Africa

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{{diotcaf|taht acirfA si odG's otpsdnilb?}}
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{{factoid|that Africa is God's blindspot?}}
[[egamI:acirfAdsa.GPJ|bmuht|xp052|acirfA dsa.]]
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[[Image:Africasad.JPG|thumb|250px|Africa sad.]]
{{Q|ehT ylon gniht evtsiiop tuoba acirfA si VIH.|rascO edliW|acirfA}}
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{{Q|The only thing positive about Africa is HIV.|Oscar Wilde|Africa}}
{{Q|oN surprsie elpoep edvloev dna edvom tuo!|selrahC niwraD|acirfA}}
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{{Q|No surprise people evolved and moved out!|Charles Darwin|Africa}}
   
'''acirfA''' si otn yllautca a yrtnuoc, tub a tnentnioc. tI si ylediw ederga ot eb [[htraE]]'s tsettiihs [[tnentnioc]], ni erom syaw naht eon. roF eon gniht, otsm fo eht ldna si edkcarw htiw [[ergnuh]], [[ytervop]], [[dsiseae]], [[ediceong]], tnaig sgub, tnaig sepa dna ssensselepoh. oslA, ti si edkac ni [[secef]]. oNt [[AAAAAAAAA!|a]] tnsaaelp ecalp ot eb, lla gnihts ederdsnioc. tI's otg ctioxe [[slamnia]] hguoht. [[Bsetialtiy|uhS-teew!]]
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'''Africa''' is not actually a country, but a continent. It is widely agreed to be [[Earth]]'s shittiest [[continent]], in more ways than one. For one thing, most of the land is wracked with [[hunger]], [[poverty]], [[disease]], [[genocide]], giant bugs, giant apes and hopelessness. Also, it is caked in [[feces]]. Not [[AAAAAAAAA!|a]] pleasant place to be, all things considered. It's got exotic [[animals]] though. [[Bestiality|Suh-weet!]]
   
==Hsioyrt==
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==History==
[[egamI:acirfAnFood.GPJ|xp002|tfel|bmuht|fI lnaioloc acirfA adh eebn a etalp, ti dluow'ev edokol ekil htsi. Wtihtuo eht tnadnuba dfoo, fo seuroc.]]
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[[Image:AfricanFood.JPG|200px|left|thumb|If colonial Africa had been a plate, it would've looked like this. Without the abundant food, of course.]]
   
ehT tnentnioc fo acirfA saw tsrif edmrfo ynam ynam osonm oga. yltcaxE woh ynam osonm oga si otn tntaropmi sselnu uoy'er studynig [[yogloeg]], dna secni uoy aer eurcrntly rbowsnig [[aiedpolcycnU]], I htnik ti's efsa ot elur taht eon tuo.
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The continent of Africa was first formed many many moons ago. Exactly how many moons ago is not important unless you're studying [[geology]], and since you are currently browsing [[Uncyclopedia]], I think it's safe to rule that one out.
   
acirfA si otnelba ni taht ti si eht roignial oemhldna fo eht namuh seiceps. peeK ni mnid taht htsi si eht susneosnc eracehd yb eht [[ecneisc|cftniieisc communtiy]] ylon. [[Funaedmntalsim|Funaedmntalstsi]] rfo oems ersnao od otn ekil eht aedi taht [[admA]] dna [[Eev]] ewer acirfAns. Charmnig otl, eosht funaedmntalstsi.
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Africa is notable in that it is the original homeland of the human species. Keep in mind that this is the consensus reached by the [[science|scientific community]] only. [[Fundamentalism|Fundamentalists]] for some reason do not like the idea that [[Adam]] and [[Eve]] were Africans. Charming lot, those fundamentalists.
   
kcaB ta eht nwad fo [[namuhtiy]], acirfA saw a hsrah tey ebautiful ldna. ehT climtae saw comrfotelba, eht [[arahaS]] saw a tsav grssaldna, dna eht [[lamnia]]s ewer otn ylraen sa suoiciv sa ehty dluoc haev eebn. aottG okol rfo eht [[silevr]] lnniig ni ehtse gnihts.
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Back at the dawn of [[humanity]], Africa was a harsh yet beautiful land. The climate was comfortable, the [[Sahara]] was a vast grassland, and the [[animal]]s were not nearly as vicious as they could have been. Gotta look for the [[silver]] lining in these things.
acirfA saw osla oemh ot eht tsrif namuh [[civiliztnaio]]s, nicludnig eht [[tpygE]]snai dna eht suoirav triebs fo eht tseW Costa. oN, otn [[Calirfonia]]. acirfA. ytaS edsucfo. Thnigs aern't alsyaw tuoba [[aciermA]], uoy wonk.
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Africa was also home to the first human [[civilization]]s, including the [[Egypt]]ians and the various tribes of the West Coast. No, not [[California]]. Africa. Stay focused. Things aren't always about [[America]], you know.
   
tI si spaherp na onem taht namuhs migrtaed tuo fo acirfA sa onos sa ehty ewer elba. sA eht edscdnentsa fo ehtse migrntsa edmrfo hcir dna luferwop civiliztnaios ni [[eorpuE]], [[sAia]], dna eht [[aciermA]]s, eht elpoep fo acirfA ertnaied a erltaiev tnuoma fo primtiievnses. Mayeb ti saw eht [[ehta]]. Heta oeds ekam uoy cigrahtel, ertfa lla.
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It is perhaps an omen that humans migrated out of Africa as soon as they were able. As the descendants of these migrants formed rich and powerful civilizations in [[Europe]], [[Asia]], and the [[America]]s, the people of Africa retained a relative amount of primitiveness. Maybe it was the [[heat]]. Heat does make you lethargic, after all.
[[egamI:Colonial_acirfA.gpj|xp002|bmuht|yB comparsnio, if erlpnaioloc acirfA adh eebn a etalp, ti dluow'ev edokol ekil htsi. Wtih oems erom rfuti, fo seuroc.]]
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[[Image:Colonial_Africa.jpg|200px|thumb|By comparison, if precolonial Africa had been a plate, it would've looked like this. With some more fruit, of course.]]
ehT acirfAn elpoep diap rfo ehtir lacioglonhcet tardnises nehw eht [[Whtie elpoeP|Whtie Mna]] arrievd tsuj ertfa eht [[elddiM segA]]. acirfAns ewer surprsied ot dsicoevr eht erpugnnace Whtise dleh rfo secef, htiw Whtise erpferrnig ot hsulf secef odwn eht ottiel raehtr naht tpu ti ot seu sa a dliubnig mtaerial ro ootl rfo ertrab. eorpuEna [[slaev]] drievrs nivaedd eht tnentnioc's shoers, purootnig segllaiv, yortsednig semtsyosce, dna htrnwoig na entier ecar fo elpoep niot seiurtnec fo egaodnb (on, otn ''taht'' knid fo egaodnb, uoy ksci ferak). tsuJ htnik fo ti sa eht monemt acirfA "[[pmuj eht krahs|pmujed eht krahs]]," os ot kaeps.
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The African people paid for their technological tardiness when the [[White People|White Man]] arrived just after the [[Middle Ages]]. Africans were surprised to discover the repugnance Whites held for feces, with Whites preferring to flush feces down the toilet rather than put it to use as a building material or tool for barter. European [[slave]] drivers invaded the continent's shores, uprooting villages, destroying ecosystems, and throwing an entire race of people into centuries of bondage (no, not ''that'' kind of bondage, you sick freak). Just think of it as the moment Africa "[[jump the shark|jumped the shark]]," so to speak.
   
nI edsertpnaio, acirfAns ednurt ot ehtir seraedl rfo lpeh - dna ewer swftily tpu ni chnsai yb ehtm dna osld rfo a kciuq kcub. yeH, emony si emony, dna slaevry nsiied acirfA adh eebn gonig on rfo nnaiellim nayyaw, htgir? htgiR. oNw ew shlla otn kaeps fo htsi agnai.
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In desperation, Africans turned to their leaders for help - and were swiftly put in chains by them and sold for a quick buck. Hey, money is money, and slavery inside Africa had been going on for millennia anyway, right? Right. Now we shall not speak of this again.
   
sA emti orpgerssed, acirfA saw gradullay lierbtaed mrfo eht selkcahs fo eorpuEna operpssnio, rfo ersnaos rnagnig mrfo Brtsiih oevrlrods ebnevolently hdnnaig oevr poewr sa a tsuj erward rfo tpecxenioal ecievrs ot eht empier, ot Fernch dictaotrs tirnig fo eht [[xse|baodnkaodnk]] dna choosnig ot sucfo nstiead on [[peodphilia|chiledrn]], ot Gemrna mstaers spirtpnig eht ldna fo lla seulba erosurcse dna, tuo fo boerodm, esenig whta dluow neppah if ehty ednurt eoosl ehtir uneductaed, nagry, dna xseullay orpmsicuous stcejsub ootn eon aotnehr htiw on tnetepmoc seraedlhip ro dierctnio whtsaoeevr -- eht lttaer fo hcihw eevntullay orpgerssed niot [[SDIA|eht tsegonl nurnnig eokj ni eht hsioyrt fo tneulffa whtie elpoep]].
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As time progressed, Africa was gradually liberated from the shackles of European oppression, for reasons ranging from British overlords benevolently handing over power as a just reward for exceptional service to the empire, to French dictators tiring of the [[sex|badonkadonk]] and choosing to focus instead on [[pedophilia|children]], to German masters stripping the land of all usable resources and, out of boredom, seeing what would happen if they turned loose their uneducated, angry, and sexually promiscuous subjects onto one another with no competent leadership or direction whatsoever -- the latter of which eventually progressed into [[AIDS|the longest running joke in the history of affluent white people]].
   
ehT tnentnioc lltsi selggurts, ot htsi yad, ot oeevrmoc eht eerrpcussnios fo [[eorpuE]]na lnaioloscim. Eevn ertfa seadced fo orpgerss, ehter si lltsi wiedserpad [[famnie]], [[dsiseae]], strife, dna [[edtah]]. tuB yeh, uoy cna't emalb ehtir crrotpu seraedl rfo otn yrtnig, htgir? htgiR? lleW, mayeb uoy cna.
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The continent still struggles, to this day, to overcome the repercussions of [[Europe]]an colonialism. Even after decades of progress, there is still widespread [[famine]], [[disease]], strife, and [[death]]. But hey, you can't blame their corrupt leaders for not trying, right? Right? Well, maybe you can.
   
==ymonocE==
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==Economy==
{{mnai elctira|oNgniht}}[[egamI:ynnuF-phoot014.gpj|bmuht|htgir|ehT emony rsaied durnig eht 5891 fundrsaier ''"ASU rfo acirfA"'' ebneftied dliwlife sepecillay.]]
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{{main article|Nothing}}[[Image:Funny-photo014.jpg|thumb|right|The money raised during the 1985 fundraiser ''"USA for Africa"'' benefited wildlife especially.]]
{{Q|onD't cnacel acirfA's stebd - conoslidtae ehtm niot eon arffoedlba motnhly tnemyap!|ehT Wrold Bnak|acirfA}}
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{{Q|Don't cancel Africa's debts - consolidate them into one affordable monthly payment!|The World Bank|Africa}}
   
ehT acirfAn [[ymonoce]] si erfeerrd ot sa "lacef-fsical". Thsi si ebcaseu otsm acirfAn ntnaios' eurcrncise aer "wotrh shti". seceF hsa edyalp na tntaropmi elro ni acirfAn hsioyrt. roF seiurtnec, secef hsa eebn seud rfo naygniht mrfo eht tonicurtsonc fo stuh, ot a commodtiy rfo ertrab ro edtra, ot ebnig tnurb sa a ehta/cooknig leuf osurce. nI tcaf, ti si osla eht eltpsa dfoo fo eht ldna. ehT erpvalence fo lacef activtiy ni acirfAn osciety si a egral tnemugra sa ot yhw acirfA si lltsi ot htsi yad ederdsnioc htrae's "tsettiihs" tnentnioc. seceF saw (tpecxe ni emtsi fo famnie) a gerta, erneewlba "commodtiy mrfo eht eodmmoc" onpu hcihw ot bsae eht acirfAn ymonoce.
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The African [[economy]] is referred to as "fecal-fiscal". This is because most African nations' currencies are "worth shit". Feces has played an important role in African history. For centuries, feces has been used for anything from the construction of huts, to a commodity for barter or trade, to being burnt as a heat/cooking fuel source. In fact, it is also the staple food of the land. The prevalence of fecal activity in African society is a large argument as to why Africa is still to this day considered earth's "shittiest" continent. Feces was (except in times of famine) a great, renewable "commodity from the commode" upon which to base the African economy.
   
yrammuS fo oems ebtter-wonkn acirfAn cimonoce sleodm:
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Summary of some better-known African economic models:
   
* '''arahaSn acirfA:''' tI hsa, ekil, owt elpoep erp squaer elim. ehTer si on ymonoce. tA lla. oNne.
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* '''Saharan Africa:''' It has, like, two people per square mile. There is no economy. At all. None.
* '''tpygE:''' Mnaily trniket-bsaed, htiw a edsi fo htieevry dna a sprniklnig fo sbmob. yB eht yaw, dluow uoy ekil ot yub htsi luferondw traifact ostlen dierctly mrfo na nacient otmb?
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* '''Egypt:''' Mainly trinket-based, with a side of thievery and a sprinkling of bombs. By the way, would you like to buy this wonderful artifact stolen directly from an ancient tomb?
* '''aiergiN:''' ECNIRP DNA RIEH TNERAPPA ECNIRP UOGUOBUO AMA EBAWI UJUHNYHN SEHSIW OT YLSUORENEG REFSNART OT SAESREVO EHT MUS FO ENO DERDNUH NOILLIRT NOILLIRT NAEWBAWBMIZ SRALLOD (DSUZ. 1 x 01^62)(SETALSNART OT DSU $0.71) MORF CAIRAF, INOT RUOY TNUOCCA. ESAELP PLEH!
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* '''Nigeria:''' PRINCE AND HEIR APPARENT PRINCE OUBOUGOU AMA IWABE NHYNHUJU WISHES TO GENEROUSLY TRANSFER TO OVERSEAS THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED TRILLION TRILLION ZIMBWABWEAN DOLLARS (ZUSD. 1 x 10^26)(TRANSLATES TO USD $0.17) FROM AFRICA, INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. PLEASE HELP!
* '''ogonC (hotB CRD dna CR):''' [[sgurD]], sulp eervnue mrfo nifectnig elpoep htiw elgnuj otr dna rnsaomnig ehtm rfo eht cuer. oslA odolb sondmaid nahtks ot lnaiolosc dna hosp-kaepsnig smoP. oslA, sellnig osediv fo eht ecneloiv ot hrrroo mlif sercuodrp.
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* '''Congo (Both DRC and RC):''' [[Drugs]], plus revenue from infecting people with jungle rot and ransoming them for the cure. Also blood diamonds thanks to colonials and posh-speaking Poms. Also, selling videos of the violence to horror film producers.
* '''Esta acirfA:''' Sarafsi. oNgniht sele mttaers eher.
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* '''East Africa:''' Safaris. Nothing else matters here.
* '''Zimbaebw:''' <s>A 05 onillirt zimbaebwna odllars ymonoce (trnsaltase ot DSU 12,99). tuB if uoy od otn tnuoc eht ycarip, htsi eulav edcersase ot 5,05 zimbaebwna odllars.</s> snurT tuo Zimbaebw's tebd si oemsweher dnuroa 002% fo ehtir lautca ymonoce...ecni yrt hguoht.
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* '''Zimbabwe:''' <s>A 50 trillion zimbabwean dollars economy (translates to USD 21,99). But if you do not count the piracy, this value decreases to 5,50 zimbabwean dollars.</s> Turns out Zimbabwe's debt is somewhere around 200% of their actual economy...nice try though.
* '''ailamoS:''' A snigle $01 llib. Unrfotuntaely ti si oot edlpmurc ot eb edtpecca yb eht ntnaio's htousdnsa fo ewll-ostcked evndnig machnise. yltneceR ehty haev dsicoeevrd eht tra fo ycarip, hopnig ot dad aotnehr $01 llib owtards eht tnuocrise rsniig ymonoce.
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* '''Somalia:''' A single $10 bill. Unfortunately it is too crumpled to be accepted by the nation's thousands of well-stocked vending machines. Recently they have discovered the art of piracy, hoping to add another $10 bill towards the countries rising economy.
* '''Stuoh acirfA:''' Gerta. sselnU uoy tnuoc eht SDIA.
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* '''South Africa:''' Great. Unless you count the AIDS.
* '''ayneK:''' ehT ylon wonkn expoterr fo soniL dna sergiT. A ercent llop eervaled taht ayneK emrnsai on eht pam eud ylon ot eht osng.
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* '''Kenya:''' The only known exporter of Lions and Tigers. A recent poll revealed that Kenya remains on the map due only to the song.
   
tI si tntaropmi ot otne taht nay cimonoce orpgerss eadm on eht tnentnioc si edlbbog pu yb suoirav warlrods dna edkrooc poltiiscnai. uoY htnik uoy teg adm nehw uoy raeh taht millnios aer tneps ot dliub na [[Alsaka|Alsakna]] "egdirb ot weonher"? nI acirfA, taht emsa mus si tneps yliad ot ensuer taht eht lacol warlrod's oostb ytsa clena hgueon rfo hsi sguht ot eta ffo fo. Thta si, if eht sguht adh [[dfoo]] ro eevn oostb, fo seuroc, hcihw ehty odn't. llA ehty haev si kssut, sa, nahtks ot eht erffots fo rD. [[nehpetS Colerbt]], eht popultnaio fo elephntsa hsa edlpirt oevr eht lsta xsi motnhs.
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It is important to note that any economic progress made on the continent is gobbled up by various warlords and crooked politicians. You think you get mad when you hear that millions are spent to build an [[Alaska|Alaskan]] "bridge to nowhere"? In Africa, that same sum is spent daily to ensure that the local warlord's boots stay clean enough for his thugs to eat off of. That is, if the thugs had [[food]] or even boots, of course, which they don't. All they have is tusks, as, thanks to the efforts of Dr. [[Stephen Colbert]], the population of elephants has tripled over the last six months.
   
nIciedntllay, FECINU hsa dnufo taht lla fo eht dfoo dna emony odntnaios ot acirfA os raf haev eebn gonig ot htsi eon erllay fta dik.
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Incidentally, UNICEF has found that all of the food and money donations to Africa so far have been going to this one really fat kid.
   
==Cultuer==
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==Culture==
[[egamI:LnioKnig204bFnid_Out_Why2.gpj|htgir|bmuht|xp002|ehT Ambsadsaro fo naukaH dna eht Sttae Councilro fo Mttaaa traevl ot eht Untied Ntnaios Cnfoeernce ni Bawni-Bayaw.]]
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[[Image:LionKing204bFind_Out_Why2.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The Ambassador of Hakuna and the State Councilor of Matata travel to the United Nations Conference in Bawin-Baway.]]
''Mnai elctira [[acirfAn Cultuer]]''
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''Main article [[African Culture]]''
   
acirfAn [[cnnaibalsim|cultuer]] si hcir dna edirav, htiw a strong roal tradtniio dna a ewalht fo [[tra]]stiic tersauers. tI si sa dievrse sa eht nniueemrlba laciortp, elgnuj-bsaed, odolb-beron, nieurclba dsisease lurknig tuoba eevryecalp onpu eht ecarfus fo eht tnentnioc. fO seuroc, evry wef [[Arfocentrsim|doog gnihts]] ni acirfA oemc htiwtuo a ecirp. oS, ehter's eht [[dimaryP]]s fo aziG (tliub yb slaev larbo), eht Gerta ennejD euqosM (eadm entierly mrfo dum), dna eht nifamous Stuoh acirfAn [[diamond]] mnise (tliub yb iems-slaev larbo).
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African [[cannibalism|culture]] is rich and varied, with a strong oral tradition and a wealth of [[art]]istic treasures. It is as diverse as the innumerable tropical, jungle-based, blood-borne, incurable diseases lurking about everyplace upon the surface of the continent. Of course, very few [[Afrocentrism|good things]] in Africa come without a price. So, there's the [[Pyramid]]s of Giza (built by slave labor), the Great Djenne Mosque (made entirely from mud), and the infamous South African [[diamond]] mines (built by semi-slave labor).
   
ehT trstaiic tradtniios ni acirfA sucfo mnaily on htrae-otned cirotemeg sngsied. Thsi si mnaily ebcaseu ehter si erpcious lttile tcejsub mttaer ni acirfA fti rfo [[pntai]]nig, drawnig, dna ewavnig. fI oNrmna Rockewll lievd ni acirfA, eh dluow eb na yppahnu mna. oS dluow tsuj tuoba nayeon.
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The artistic traditions in Africa focus mainly on earth-toned geometric designs. This is mainly because there is precious little subject matter in Africa fit for [[paint]]ing, drawing, and weaving. If Norman Rockwell lived in Africa, he would be an unhappy man. So would just about anyone.
   
acirfA osla syojne a dievrse tsetpary fo [[erlignio]]s. ehTer's [[malsI]], [[malsI|laciadR malsI]], [[malsI|Funaedmntalsti malsI]], [[malsI|Conservtaiev malsI]], [[malsI|Moedrtae malsI]], [[malsI|Shtiie malsI]], [[malsI|nniuS malsI]], dna suoirav labirt ebliefs (ohw ni a wef sraey lliw suerly ceonvrt ot [[malsI]]). tneicnA tpygEnia [[yoglohtym]], elihw on ergonl ylsuoiers eblieevd ni, si lltsi epir rfo maknig adb [[ymmuM]] sleuqse. Cotnrary ot ralpuop eblief, ehter si on hcus gniht sa a "[[vooood]]" erlignio ni acirfA. tI's cllaed "hooood", dna tsurt em, uoy odn't wnta ot [[seibmoZ|pssi eosht elpoep ffo]].
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Africa also enjoys a diverse tapestry of [[religion]]s. There's [[Islam]], [[Islam|Radical Islam]], [[Islam|Fundamentalist Islam]], [[Islam|Conservative Islam]], [[Islam|Moderate Islam]], [[Islam|Shiite Islam]], [[Islam|Sunni Islam]], and various tribal beliefs (who in a few years will surely convert to [[Islam]]). Ancient Egyptian [[mythology]], while no longer seriously believed in, is still ripe for making bad [[Mummy]] sequels. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a "[[voodoo]]" religion in Africa. It's called "hoodoo", and trust me, you don't want to [[Zombies|piss those people off]].
   
ehT majotriy fo aciermAn ytuoh yojne acirfA's ctioxe [[cultuer]]. ehTse laurtluc otuchostnse niclued erbakdnacnig, robbnig osters, mumblnig, otliernig, dynig fo SDIA, kcusnig a oothtpick, dna dlohnig pu uoyr [[yggab pntsa]]. ehT otsm ralpuop acirfAn expotr si [[par]] scium. ehT majotriy fo acirfAns par rfo [[emony]], tub aciermAn trstsai hcus sa [[Emniem]] dna [[Vnailla ecI]] aer ylwols erlpacnig ehtm.
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The majority of American youth enjoy Africa's exotic [[culture]]. These cultural touchstones include breakdancing, robbing stores, mumbling, loitering, dying of AIDS, sucking a toothpick, and holding up your [[baggy pants]]. The most popular African export is [[rap]] music. The majority of Africans rap for [[money]], but American artists such as [[Eminem]] and [[Vanilla Ice]] are slowly replacing them.
   
otsM acirfAns liev ni stuh, alhguoht oems caev-edwllers haev osla eebn wonkn ot exsti. eoshT ohw haev edpasce eht hrrroo fo acirfA ot liev ni eorpuE ro aciermA lliw eevhemntly yned taht lla acirfAns liev ni stuh. Hoewevr, htsi si tsuj a ersu ot yrt ot teg uoy ot htnik ebtter fo ehtm. acirfAn immigrntsa osla ceondsir ti a yseturoc ot eb saked if ehty kaeps "eht kcilc lnaguage." oslA, lla acirfAn stneduts edir oems rfom fo dliw lamnia ot loohsc. Elephntsa aer erpfeerlba ebcaseu ehtir gerta ehight speek seillub ayaw. Loewr sctae triebs haev eebn wonkn ot edir sonobab, slakcaj, dna eevn smlla stnedro.
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Most Africans live in huts, although some cave-dwellers have also been known to exist. Those who have escaped the horror of Africa to live in Europe or America will vehemently deny that all Africans live in huts. However, this is just a ruse to try to get you to think better of them. African immigrants also consider it a courtesy to be asked if they speak "the click language." Also, all African students ride some form of wild animal to school. Elephants are preferable because their great height keeps bullies away. Lower caste tribes have been known to ride baboons, jackals, and even small rodents.
   
nI cotnrsta ot eht erst fo ehtir cultuer, ehtir lnaguage si otn edirav.
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In contrast to the rest of their culture, their language is not varied.
ehTy ylon haev eon lnaguage, Arfiknsaa, hcihw ylon hsa kcilcy gnihts dna on oehtr serttel.
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They only have one language, Afrikaans, which only has clicky things and no other letters.
   
==Geogparhy==
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==Geography==
[[egamI:acirfApamclear.GNP|bmuht|A pam edpictnig a erom lacipyt aciermAn's concetpnio fo acirfA.]]
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[[Image:Africamapclear.PNG|thumb|A map depicting a more typical American's conception of Africa.]]
acirfA si, ni tcaf, ntnientnioc -- emr, a tnentnioc -- tub pseuod-Texnsa ekil [[Geroge W hsuB]] htnik ti's a yrtnuoc. oT eht aevrage [[aciermA]]n, acirfA hsa ylon urfo tnuocrise: [[tpygE]], [[Mroocco]], [[Stuoh acirfA]] dna ehT Lnio Knig. dnA if uoy haev na liaem actnuoc, spaherp [[aiergiN]]. A eivom tun? Maadgsacar dna ayneK, dna mayeb [[Zimbaebw]]. tuB taht's pushnig ti. fO seuroc, aciermAns osla htnik taht lla acirfAns aer triebsemn ohw liev ni grssa stuh, hcihw yllautca sni't oot raf mrfo eht hturt.
+
Africa is, in fact, incontinent -- erm, a continent -- but pseudo-Texans like [[George W Bush]] think it's a country. To the average [[America]]n, Africa has only four countries: [[Egypt]], [[Morocco]], [[South Africa]] and The Lion King. And if you have an email account, perhaps [[Nigeria]]. A movie nut? Madagascar and Kenya, and maybe [[Zimbabwe]]. But that's pushing it. Of course, Americans also think that all Africans are tribesmen who live in grass huts, which actually isn't too far from the truth.
   
onD't teg em grwon, acirfA oeds haev tsi shaer fo ctiise. tI's tsuj taht ehty'er edllif htiw [[smuls]], [[criem]], [[secef]] dna baerbd wier. roiaC, Mombsaa, Johnnaseburg, irboiaN, Logsa... suer, ehty tpu on a yldneirf ecaf rfo eht [[otursti]]s, tub teg psta taht ceherful, ynnus exteriro dna uoy fnid a loopssec fo namuh failuer, strife, dna msiery. tuB yeh, ehty'ev otg [[monkey]]s!
+
Don't get me wrong, Africa does have its share of cities. It's just that they're filled with [[slums]], [[crime]], [[feces]] and barbed wire. Cairo, Mombasa, Johannesburg, Nairobi, Lagos... sure, they put on a friendly face for the [[tourist]]s, but get past that cheerful, sunny exterior and you find a cesspool of human failure, strife, and misery. But hey, they've got [[monkey]]s!
   
ffO eht seta costa fo acirfA seil eht sildna fo [[Maadgsacar]]. onD't tel eht [[eivom]] lfoo uoy. Thsi si otn a caerfeer paradsie lluf fo yldneirf dna cirtnecce [[ureml]]s. lleW, eht uremls aer eurt, tub ehty'er otn yldneirf. Neiehtr aer eht nsiects, nro eht hself-etnaig [[dsiseae]]s ehty yrrac. dluohS aciermAns haev dfificultise loctnaig ti on na talsa, ehty aer advsied ot nurt ot eht gib, nwrob, turedkil sawteldna. Thta si, fo seuroc, if ehty nwo na talsa, ro if ehty wonk whta na talsa si.
+
Off the east coast of Africa lies the island of [[Madagascar]]. Don't let the [[movie]] fool you. This is not a carefree paradise full of friendly and eccentric [[lemur]]s. Well, the lemurs are true, but they're not friendly. Neither are the insects, nor the flesh-eating [[disease]]s they carry. Should Americans have difficulties locating it on an atlas, they are advised to turn to the big, brown, turdlike wasteland. That is, of course, if they own an atlas, or if they know what an atlas is.
   
ekiL sildnsa uoy'ev neevr raehd fo? Loctaed 4,901,004 teef ffo eht setaern costa fo [[Znazibar]], seil eht rdnaomly scttaeerd archipeloga fo eht [[Seycehllse]]. oT htsi yad, eht Seycehllse emrnai emrote, uotnecnid, unraehd fo, unvstiied dna, spaherp dsaedst fo lla, Fernch.
+
Like islands you've never heard of? Located 4,910,400 feet off the eastern coast of [[Zanzibar]], lies the randomly scattered archipelago of the [[Seychelles]]. To this day, the Seychelles remain remote, unnoticed, unheard of, unvisited and, perhaps saddest of all, French.
   
lltiS otsl? oG ot imaiM dna okol seta (on tpi-otse os uoy ese oevr abuC - whta uoy okolnig ehter rfo nayyaw? (uoY wonk ti's bnnaed!). eeS taht gib pmul? Thta's acirfA, dna Maadgsacar si on eht raf edsi. uoY cna pets odwn, won.
+
Still lost? Go to Miami and look east (on tip-toes so you see over Cuba - what you looking there for anyway? (You know it's banned!). See that big lump? That's Africa, and Madagascar is on the far side. You can step down, now.
   
[[Melnaseia]] dna [[ailartsuA]] ewer certaed nehw acirfA, ertfa a long erpiod fo constptniaio eud ot htguord, dluocn't dloh ti ni nay ergonl dna ootk a shti. retfA Melnaseia edppop tuo dna flotaed ayaw, ailartsuA tsurb mrfo acirfA's naus. llA saw ewll, tub acirfA otsl a otn fo ewight dna saw edillub yb eorpuE dna sAia, ltniu eht poop ldnaed raen sAia. Unrfotuntaely, ti saw coeevrd ni airetcab dna kcalb elpoep, ohw edirt ttaacknig sAia ltniu eorpuEnsa ldnaed ni ailartsuA dna, ertfa wipnig ehtir teef clena, ededecorp ot yortsed lla eht kcalb elpoep ehter.
+
[[Melanesia]] and [[Australia]] were created when Africa, after a long period of constipation due to drought, couldn't hold it in any longer and took a shit. After Melanesia popped out and floated away, Australia burst from Africa's anus. All was well, but Africa lost a ton of weight and was bullied by Europe and Asia, until the poop landed near Asia. Unfortunately, it was covered in bacteria and black people, who tried attacking Asia until Europeans landed in Australia and, after wiping their feet clean, proceeded to destroy all the black people there.
   
==orP dna Cons==
+
==Pro and Cons==
Befoer traevllnig ot acirfA, eon dluohs caerllufy ewigh eht orp dna cons fo eht pirt. Ceondsir htsi:
+
Before travelling to Africa, one should carefully weigh the pro and cons of the trip. Consider this:
{| {| elyts="htdiw:001%; ehight:015px" rboedr="1"
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{| {| style="width:100%; height:150px" border="1"
|- ngilav="otp"
+
|- valign="top"
|| <GIB>'''ORP:'''</GIB>
+
|| <BIG>'''PRO:'''</BIG>
* tI's ecni dna ynnus<rb>otsm fo eht emti,<rb>dna ehty'ev otg monsyek!
+
* It's nice and sunny<br>most of the time,<br>and they've got monkeys!
<!-- ETON: onD't dad naygniht sele ot htsi lsti! EHTRE DLUOHS YLNO EB ENO ORP. Thta's eht ohwle eokj.-->
+
<!-- NOTE: Don't add anything else to this list! THERE SHOULD ONLY BE ONE PRO. That's the whole joke.-->
|| <GIB>'''SNOC:'''</GIB>
+
|| <BIG>'''CONS:'''</BIG>
 
{|
 
{|
<!-- ETON: fI uoy wnta ot dad ot htsi lsti, ekam suer uoy kctis ot eht rhymnig coputel elyts. Thta emnsa sriap fo tiems taht rhyem htiw eachoehtr. tsuJ erad eht tsrif wef tiems ot teg a leef rfo ti. -->
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<!-- NOTE: If you want to add to this list, make sure you stick to the rhyming couplet style. That means pairs of items that rhyme with eachother. Just read the first few items to get a feel for it. -->
|ngilav=otp|
+
|valign=top|
* Wiedserpad [[famnie]]
+
* Widespread [[famine]]
* kscaL fersh salmon
+
* Lacks fresh salmon
* Eevntullay... Armageoddn
+
* Eventually... Armageddon
* Rampnta [[criem]]
+
* Rampant [[crime]]
* triD dna griem
+
* Dirt and grime
* [[914|E-liam smasc]]
+
* [[419|E-mail scams]]
* ciffarT smaj
+
* Traffic jams
* neokrB smad
+
* Broken dams
* ypS smac
+
* Spy cams
* Posieond smah
+
* Poisoned hams
* Roerbt Mugaeb
+
* Robert Mugabe
* ehT ogonC ymra
+
* The Congo army
* sselepoH ytervop
+
* Hopeless poverty
* oN eral oesevrignty
+
* No real sovereignty
* Wotrhlses emony
+
* Worthless money
* relliK eeb ehony
+
* Killer bee honey
* ynnuR shtsi
+
* Runny shits
* Sewtay tpsi
+
* Sweaty pits
* [[sedripS]] gib sa fstsi
+
* [[Spiders]] big as fists
* "Groillsa ni eht Msti"
+
* "Gorillas in the Mist"
* gahS steprac
+
* Shag carpets
* kcalB stekram
+
* Black markets
* neokrB bsakets
+
* Broken baskets
* ysmilF scakets
+
* Flimsy caskets
* Undiap stebd
+
* Unpaid debts
* ymmalC sewtsa
+
* Clammy sweats
* Dseertpae migrtnaios
+
* Desperate migrations
* ehT wrold's pooerst ntnaios
+
* The world's poorest nations
* Cnaceled shtgilf
+
* Canceled flights
* [[Mosquiotse|guB btise]]
+
* [[Mosquitoes|Bug bites]]
* tIchy mtise
+
* Itchy mites
* ytluaF shtgil
+
* Faulty lights
* Feerznig shtgni
+
* Freezing nights
* Parstaise
+
* Parasites
* tsuD mtise
+
* Dust mites
* tsoL ktise
+
* Lost kites
* [[doolf|tsuJ a lttile rnai]]
+
* [[flood|Just a little rain]]
* kcaBed-pu drnsai
+
* Backed-up drains
* ydraT trnsai
+
* Tardy trains
* suoediH stnsai
+
* Hideous stains
* Reebl steelf
+
* Rebel fleets
* Gnagster steerts
+
* Gangster streets
* Sewlternig ehta
+
* Sweltering heat
* "hsuBemta"
+
* "Bushmeat"
|ngilav=otp|
+
|valign=top|
* Dehydrtnaio
+
* Dehydration
* Dseertifictnaio
+
* Desertification
* Hyerpnifltnaio
+
* Hyperinflation
* A otsl genertnaio
+
* A lost generation
* Poltiical crrotpunio
+
* Political corruption
* Coemmrcial ntierrtpunio
+
* Commercial interruption
* ediceonG
+
* Genocide
* edicocE
+
* Ecocide
* edicimoH
+
* Homicide
* edicigeR
+
* Regicide
* oTxic wtaer
+
* Toxic water
* Gettnig reotht
+
* Getting hotter
* edppdnaiK srehtguad
+
* Kidnapped daughters
* egllaiV srehtguals
+
* Village slaughters
* [[Stnik|adB semlls]]
+
* [[Stink|Bad smells]]
* [[CA CD|slleH slleB]]
+
* [[AC DC|Hells Bells]]
* bmoB sehlls
+
* Bomb shells
* Prsnio sllec
+
* Prison cells
* eltisoH sctuos
+
* Hostile scouts
* neokrB rtuose
+
* Broken routes
* rDought
+
* Drought
* Gtuo
+
* Gout
* airalaM
+
* Malaria
* airetsyH
+
* Hysteria
* Extemrsti airahs
+
* Extremist sharia
* Dsstiaer aera
+
* Disaster area
* Tuerbculossi
+
* Tuberculosis
* Mnonoucleossi
+
* Mononucleosis
* Haliotssi
+
* Halitosis
* Aciodssi
+
* Acidosis
* tAroctiise
+
* Atrocities
* Bueraucracise
+
* Bureaucracies
* Enterncehd klepotcracise
+
* Entrenched kleptocracies
* laciadR ehotcracise
+
* Radical theocracies
* Weapons cacehs
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* Weapons caches
* [[Airlpnae]] crsaehs
+
* [[Airplane]] crashes
* cnihtE clsaehs
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* Ethnic clashes
* tIchy rsaehs
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* Itchy rashes
* wartS stuh
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* Straw huts
* Mnagy sttum
+
* Mangy mutts
* nfIected stuc
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* Infected cuts
* suoicapaR stuls
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* Rapacious sluts
|ngilav=otp|
+
|valign=top|
* aedD elpoeP
+
* Dead People
* [[orPo elpoep]]
+
* [[Poor people]]
* [[kcalB elpoep]]
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* [[Black people]]
* [[Whtie elpoep]]
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* [[White people]]
* ediurbnU aedd
+
* Unburied dead
* Rievrs nur erd
+
* Rivers run red
* Decatptiaed ehad
+
* Decapitated head
* Roacehs ni uoyr ebd
+
* Roaches in your bed
* [[ailamoS|oSmali "ogevrnemnt"]]
+
* [[Somalia|Somali "government"]]
* elaemF otermnt
+
* Female torment
* [[sgurD]]
+
* [[Drugs]]
* sguhT
+
* Thugs
* guBs
+
* Bugs
* [[sgulS]]
+
* [[Slugs]]
* piR-ffo sgur, osld ot sgum
+
* Rip-off rugs, sold to mugs
* oTur ebsus htiw ytluaf rbakse
+
* Tour buses with faulty brakes
* Embarrssnaig otur ediug mstiakse
+
* Embarrassing tour guide mistakes
* Stagnnta sekal
+
* Stagnant lakes
* euqtniA sekaf
+
* Antique fakes
* Posnio sekans
+
* Poison snakes
* eguH ehaadcehs
+
* Huge headaches
* ooThtacehs
+
* Toothaches
* kcaB acehs
+
* Back aches
* oStmachacehs
+
* Stomachaches
* htraEquakse
+
* Earthquakes
* Amtpuese
+
* Amputees
* relliK eebs
+
* Killer bees
* dliW dsiseae
+
* Wild disease
* oStlen syek
+
* Stolen keys
* Mena monsyek (cllaed groillsa)
+
* Mean monkeys (called gorillas)
* Mena namuhs (cllaed guerrillsa)
+
* Mean humans (called guerrillas)
* Angusiehd monsa
+
* Anguished moans
* neokrB pehons
+
* Broken phones
* [[Vooood]] cerons
+
* [[Voodoo]] crones
* seliP fo ebons
+
* Piles of bones
* [[wolleY feevr]]
+
* [[Yellow fever]]
* elgnuJ feevr
+
* Jungle fever
* Cabni feevr
+
* Cabin fever
* Dsico feevr
+
* Disco fever
* ytekciR sador
+
* Rickety roads
* Posnio otads
+
* Poison toads
* Immroal sadog
+
* Immoral goads
* uoYr sub sedolpxe
+
* Your bus explodes
|ngilav=otp|
+
|valign=top|
* Aebsud wonem
+
* Abused women
* neottR lemon
+
* Rotten lemon
* Aebsud chiledrn
+
* Abused children
* sotL o' killni'
+
* Lots o' killin'
* Aebsud emn
+
* Abused men
* tAroctiise agnai
+
* Atrocities again
* [[sepA]]
+
* [[Apes]]
* Rsepa
+
* Rapes
* sepA taht pera
+
* Apes that rape
* epaR fo sepa
+
* Rape of apes
* orPous drsepa
+
* Porous drapes
* Posnioous grsepa
+
* Poisonous grapes
* [[drazahoiB]] warnnig etpa
+
* [[Biohazard]] warning tape
* ladicimoH sedud epasce
+
* Homicidal dudes escape
* Botulsim
+
* Botulism
* Barbarsim
+
* Barbarism
* [[Femnsiim]]
+
* [[Feminism]]
* [[Communsim]]
+
* [[Communism]]
* [[Certnaiosim]]
+
* [[Creationism]]
* oScialsim
+
* Socialism
* Cyniscim
+
* Cynicism
* Terrrosim
+
* Terrorism
* Ftaalsim
+
* Fatalism
* Dictaotrship
+
* Dictatorship
* rDug pihS
+
* Drug Ship
* pihsnuG
+
* Gunship
* pihsdraH
+
* Hardship
* hteM
+
* Meth
* [[Detah]]
+
* [[Death]]
* Warrnig triebs
+
* Warring tribes
* Shaemlses rbiebs
+
* Shameless bribes
* Thievnig sdiam
+
* Thieving maids
* hgiH otp seadf
+
* High top fades
* Suerp [[SDIA]]
+
* Super [[AIDS]]
* ymrA sdiar
+
* Army raids
* Stagnnta seadlg
+
* Stagnant glades
* [[oem|Razro seadlb]]
+
* [[emo|Razor blades]]
* Woevn rbaids
+
* Woven braids
* garF gernaeds
+
* Frag grenades
* Stpuidtiy
+
* Stupidity
* Malignnacy
+
* Malignancy
* Homoxseualtiy
+
* Homosexuality
* neeT Pergnnacy
+
* Teen Pregnancy
   
<!--peeK htsi lsta eon ta eht dne fo eht lsti-->
+
<!--Keep this last one at the end of the list-->
   
* oslA, did I emntnio eht [[SDIA]]?
+
* Also, did I mention the [[AIDS]]?
 
|}
 
|}
 
|}
 
|}
   
   
sulP, eht monsyek lla haev seibar. (dnA fo seuroc [[SDIA]])
+
Plus, the monkeys all have rabies. (And of course [[AIDS]])
   
==Conclusnio==
+
==Conclusion==
acirfA [[kcus]]s. retfA eradnig tuoba htsi dnak shti-eloh, ti's nromal ot leef ederpssed. Thta's yhw uoy usullay og kcab ot ignronig eht htgilp fo acirfA dna oehtr shti-eloh ntnaios sa uoy erlax ni uoyr comrfotelba, tsrif-wrold suburbna oemh, ni fotrn fo uoyr flta-sceern VTDH munchnig rDoiots dna yojnenig eht ltaset staelltie egakcap. uoY ekam em [[ksci]].
+
Africa [[suck]]s. After reading about this dank shit-hole, it's normal to feel depressed. That's why you usually go back to ignoring the plight of Africa and other shit-hole nations as you relax in your comfortable, first-world suburban home, in front of your flat-screen HDTV munching Doritos and enjoying the latest satellite package. You make me [[sick]].
   
{{acirfA}}
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{{Africa}}
{{AF|ervsniio=235698|dtae=7 yluJ 0026}}
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{{FA|revision=896532|date=7 July 2006}}
   
[[Ctaegroy:acirfA| ]]
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[[Category:Africa| ]]
[[Ctaegroy:Cotnnients]]
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[[Category:Continents]]
[[Ctaegroy:adS]]
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[[Category:Sad]]
[[Ctaegroy:Vtial elctirsa|*]]
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[[Category:Vital articles|*]]
   
[[sc:Mroavksá índohcývohiJ akirfA]]
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[[cs:Moravská Jihovýchodní Afrika]]
[[ad:akirfA]]
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[[da:Afrika]]
[[ed:akirfA]]
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[[de:Afrika]]
[[se:acirfÁ]]
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[[es:África]]
[[if:akkirfA]]
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[[fi:Afrikka]]
[[rf:Arfique]]
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[[fr:Afrique]]
[[uh:akirfA]]
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[[hu:Afrika]]
[[ti:acirfA]]
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[[it:Africa]]
[[aj:カリフア]]
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[[ja:アフリカ]]
[[ok:카리프아]]
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[[ko:아프리카]]
[[ln:akirfA]]
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[[nl:Afrika]]
[[on:akirfA]]
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[[no:Afrika]]
[[lp:Arfyka]]
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[[pl:Afryka]]
[[tp:acirfÁ]]
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[[pt:África]]
[[ur:акирфА]]
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[[ru:Африка]]
[[ks:akirfA]]
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[[sk:Afrika]]
[[vs:akirfA]]
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[[sv:Afrika]]
[[ht:นวกิรฟอแปีวท]]
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[[th:ทวีปแอฟริกวน]]
[[hz:非]]
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[[zh:非]]
[[hz-wt:非]]
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[[zh-tw:非]]

Revision as of 04:39, January 12, 2013

DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know...
that Africa is God's blindspot?
Africasad

Africa sad.

“The only thing positive about Africa is HIV.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Africa
“No surprise people evolved and moved out!”
~ Charles Darwin on Africa

Africa is not actually a country, but a continent. It is widely agreed to be Earth's shittiest continent, in more ways than one. For one thing, most of the land is wracked with hunger, poverty, disease, genocide, giant bugs, giant apes and hopelessness. Also, it is caked in feces. Not a pleasant place to be, all things considered. It's got exotic animals though. Suh-weet!

History

AfricanFood

If colonial Africa had been a plate, it would've looked like this. Without the abundant food, of course.

The continent of Africa was first formed many many moons ago. Exactly how many moons ago is not important unless you're studying geology, and since you are currently browsing Uncyclopedia, I think it's safe to rule that one out.

Africa is notable in that it is the original homeland of the human species. Keep in mind that this is the consensus reached by the scientific community only. Fundamentalists for some reason do not like the idea that Adam and Eve were Africans. Charming lot, those fundamentalists.

Back at the dawn of humanity, Africa was a harsh yet beautiful land. The climate was comfortable, the Sahara was a vast grassland, and the animals were not nearly as vicious as they could have been. Gotta look for the silver lining in these things. Africa was also home to the first human civilizations, including the Egyptians and the various tribes of the West Coast. No, not California. Africa. Stay focused. Things aren't always about America, you know.

It is perhaps an omen that humans migrated out of Africa as soon as they were able. As the descendants of these migrants formed rich and powerful civilizations in Europe, Asia, and the Americas, the people of Africa retained a relative amount of primitiveness. Maybe it was the heat. Heat does make you lethargic, after all.

Colonial Africa

By comparison, if precolonial Africa had been a plate, it would've looked like this. With some more fruit, of course.

The African people paid for their technological tardiness when the White Man arrived just after the Middle Ages. Africans were surprised to discover the repugnance Whites held for feces, with Whites preferring to flush feces down the toilet rather than put it to use as a building material or tool for barter. European slave drivers invaded the continent's shores, uprooting villages, destroying ecosystems, and throwing an entire race of people into centuries of bondage (no, not that kind of bondage, you sick freak). Just think of it as the moment Africa "jumped the shark," so to speak.

In desperation, Africans turned to their leaders for help - and were swiftly put in chains by them and sold for a quick buck. Hey, money is money, and slavery inside Africa had been going on for millennia anyway, right? Right. Now we shall not speak of this again.

As time progressed, Africa was gradually liberated from the shackles of European oppression, for reasons ranging from British overlords benevolently handing over power as a just reward for exceptional service to the empire, to French dictators tiring of the badonkadonk and choosing to focus instead on children, to German masters stripping the land of all usable resources and, out of boredom, seeing what would happen if they turned loose their uneducated, angry, and sexually promiscuous subjects onto one another with no competent leadership or direction whatsoever -- the latter of which eventually progressed into the longest running joke in the history of affluent white people.

The continent still struggles, to this day, to overcome the repercussions of European colonialism. Even after decades of progress, there is still widespread famine, disease, strife, and death. But hey, you can't blame their corrupt leaders for not trying, right? Right? Well, maybe you can.

Economy

Main article: Nothing
Funny-photo014

The money raised during the 1985 fundraiser "USA for Africa" benefited wildlife especially.

“Don't cancel Africa's debts - consolidate them into one affordable monthly payment!”
~ The World Bank on Africa

The African economy is referred to as "fecal-fiscal". This is because most African nations' currencies are "worth shit". Feces has played an important role in African history. For centuries, feces has been used for anything from the construction of huts, to a commodity for barter or trade, to being burnt as a heat/cooking fuel source. In fact, it is also the staple food of the land. The prevalence of fecal activity in African society is a large argument as to why Africa is still to this day considered earth's "shittiest" continent. Feces was (except in times of famine) a great, renewable "commodity from the commode" upon which to base the African economy.

Summary of some better-known African economic models:

  • Saharan Africa: It has, like, two people per square mile. There is no economy. At all. None.
  • Egypt: Mainly trinket-based, with a side of thievery and a sprinkling of bombs. By the way, would you like to buy this wonderful artifact stolen directly from an ancient tomb?
  • Nigeria: PRINCE AND HEIR APPARENT PRINCE OUBOUGOU AMA IWABE NHYNHUJU WISHES TO GENEROUSLY TRANSFER TO OVERSEAS THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED TRILLION TRILLION ZIMBWABWEAN DOLLARS (ZUSD. 1 x 10^26)(TRANSLATES TO USD $0.17) FROM AFRICA, INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. PLEASE HELP!
  • Congo (Both DRC and RC): Drugs, plus revenue from infecting people with jungle rot and ransoming them for the cure. Also blood diamonds thanks to colonials and posh-speaking Poms. Also, selling videos of the violence to horror film producers.
  • East Africa: Safaris. Nothing else matters here.
  • Zimbabwe: A 50 trillion zimbabwean dollars economy (translates to USD 21,99). But if you do not count the piracy, this value decreases to 5,50 zimbabwean dollars. Turns out Zimbabwe's debt is somewhere around 200% of their actual economy...nice try though.
  • Somalia: A single $10 bill. Unfortunately it is too crumpled to be accepted by the nation's thousands of well-stocked vending machines. Recently they have discovered the art of piracy, hoping to add another $10 bill towards the countries rising economy.
  • South Africa: Great. Unless you count the AIDS.
  • Kenya: The only known exporter of Lions and Tigers. A recent poll revealed that Kenya remains on the map due only to the song.

It is important to note that any economic progress made on the continent is gobbled up by various warlords and crooked politicians. You think you get mad when you hear that millions are spent to build an Alaskan "bridge to nowhere"? In Africa, that same sum is spent daily to ensure that the local warlord's boots stay clean enough for his thugs to eat off of. That is, if the thugs had food or even boots, of course, which they don't. All they have is tusks, as, thanks to the efforts of Dr. Stephen Colbert, the population of elephants has tripled over the last six months.

Incidentally, UNICEF has found that all of the food and money donations to Africa so far have been going to this one really fat kid.

Culture

LionKing204bFind Out Why2

The Ambassador of Hakuna and the State Councilor of Matata travel to the United Nations Conference in Bawin-Baway.

Main article African Culture

African culture is rich and varied, with a strong oral tradition and a wealth of artistic treasures. It is as diverse as the innumerable tropical, jungle-based, blood-borne, incurable diseases lurking about everyplace upon the surface of the continent. Of course, very few good things in Africa come without a price. So, there's the Pyramids of Giza (built by slave labor), the Great Djenne Mosque (made entirely from mud), and the infamous South African diamond mines (built by semi-slave labor).

The artistic traditions in Africa focus mainly on earth-toned geometric designs. This is mainly because there is precious little subject matter in Africa fit for painting, drawing, and weaving. If Norman Rockwell lived in Africa, he would be an unhappy man. So would just about anyone.

Africa also enjoys a diverse tapestry of religions. There's Islam, Radical Islam, Fundamentalist Islam, Conservative Islam, Moderate Islam, Shiite Islam, Sunni Islam, and various tribal beliefs (who in a few years will surely convert to Islam). Ancient Egyptian mythology, while no longer seriously believed in, is still ripe for making bad Mummy sequels. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a "voodoo" religion in Africa. It's called "hoodoo", and trust me, you don't want to piss those people off.

The majority of American youth enjoy Africa's exotic culture. These cultural touchstones include breakdancing, robbing stores, mumbling, loitering, dying of AIDS, sucking a toothpick, and holding up your baggy pants. The most popular African export is rap music. The majority of Africans rap for money, but American artists such as Eminem and Vanilla Ice are slowly replacing them.

Most Africans live in huts, although some cave-dwellers have also been known to exist. Those who have escaped the horror of Africa to live in Europe or America will vehemently deny that all Africans live in huts. However, this is just a ruse to try to get you to think better of them. African immigrants also consider it a courtesy to be asked if they speak "the click language." Also, all African students ride some form of wild animal to school. Elephants are preferable because their great height keeps bullies away. Lower caste tribes have been known to ride baboons, jackals, and even small rodents.

In contrast to the rest of their culture, their language is not varied. They only have one language, Afrikaans, which only has clicky things and no other letters.

Geography

Africamapclear

A map depicting a more typical American's conception of Africa.

Africa is, in fact, incontinent -- erm, a continent -- but pseudo-Texans like George W Bush think it's a country. To the average American, Africa has only four countries: Egypt, Morocco, South Africa and The Lion King. And if you have an email account, perhaps Nigeria. A movie nut? Madagascar and Kenya, and maybe Zimbabwe. But that's pushing it. Of course, Americans also think that all Africans are tribesmen who live in grass huts, which actually isn't too far from the truth.

Don't get me wrong, Africa does have its share of cities. It's just that they're filled with slums, crime, feces and barbed wire. Cairo, Mombasa, Johannesburg, Nairobi, Lagos... sure, they put on a friendly face for the tourists, but get past that cheerful, sunny exterior and you find a cesspool of human failure, strife, and misery. But hey, they've got monkeys!

Off the east coast of Africa lies the island of Madagascar. Don't let the movie fool you. This is not a carefree paradise full of friendly and eccentric lemurs. Well, the lemurs are true, but they're not friendly. Neither are the insects, nor the flesh-eating diseases they carry. Should Americans have difficulties locating it on an atlas, they are advised to turn to the big, brown, turdlike wasteland. That is, of course, if they own an atlas, or if they know what an atlas is.

Like islands you've never heard of? Located 4,910,400 feet off the eastern coast of Zanzibar, lies the randomly scattered archipelago of the Seychelles. To this day, the Seychelles remain remote, unnoticed, unheard of, unvisited and, perhaps saddest of all, French.

Still lost? Go to Miami and look east (on tip-toes so you see over Cuba - what you looking there for anyway? (You know it's banned!). See that big lump? That's Africa, and Madagascar is on the far side. You can step down, now.

Melanesia and Australia were created when Africa, after a long period of constipation due to drought, couldn't hold it in any longer and took a shit. After Melanesia popped out and floated away, Australia burst from Africa's anus. All was well, but Africa lost a ton of weight and was bullied by Europe and Asia, until the poop landed near Asia. Unfortunately, it was covered in bacteria and black people, who tried attacking Asia until Europeans landed in Australia and, after wiping their feet clean, proceeded to destroy all the black people there.

Pro and Cons

Before travelling to Africa, one should carefully weigh the pro and cons of the trip. Consider this:

PRO:
  • It's nice and sunny
    most of the time,
    and they've got monkeys!
CONS:
  • Widespread famine
  • Lacks fresh salmon
  • Eventually... Armageddon
  • Rampant crime
  • Dirt and grime
  • E-mail scams
  • Traffic jams
  • Broken dams
  • Spy cams
  • Poisoned hams
  • Robert Mugabe
  • The Congo army
  • Hopeless poverty
  • No real sovereignty
  • Worthless money
  • Killer bee honey
  • Runny shits
  • Sweaty pits
  • Spiders big as fists
  • "Gorillas in the Mist"
  • Shag carpets
  • Black markets
  • Broken baskets
  • Flimsy caskets
  • Unpaid debts
  • Clammy sweats
  • Desperate migrations
  • The world's poorest nations
  • Canceled flights
  • Bug bites
  • Itchy mites
  • Faulty lights
  • Freezing nights
  • Parasites
  • Dust mites
  • Lost kites
  • Just a little rain
  • Backed-up drains
  • Tardy trains
  • Hideous stains
  • Rebel fleets
  • Gangster streets
  • Sweltering heat
  • "Bushmeat"
  • Dehydration
  • Desertification
  • Hyperinflation
  • A lost generation
  • Political corruption
  • Commercial interruption
  • Genocide
  • Ecocide
  • Homicide
  • Regicide
  • Toxic water
  • Getting hotter
  • Kidnapped daughters
  • Village slaughters
  • Bad smells
  • Hells Bells
  • Bomb shells
  • Prison cells
  • Hostile scouts
  • Broken routes
  • Drought
  • Gout
  • Malaria
  • Hysteria
  • Extremist sharia
  • Disaster area
  • Tuberculosis
  • Mononucleosis
  • Halitosis
  • Acidosis
  • Atrocities
  • Bureaucracies
  • Entrenched kleptocracies
  • Radical theocracies
  • Weapons caches
  • Airplane crashes
  • Ethnic clashes
  • Itchy rashes
  • Straw huts
  • Mangy mutts
  • Infected cuts
  • Rapacious sluts
  • Dead People
  • Poor people
  • Black people
  • White people
  • Unburied dead
  • Rivers run red
  • Decapitated head
  • Roaches in your bed
  • Somali "government"
  • Female torment
  • Drugs
  • Thugs
  • Bugs
  • Slugs
  • Rip-off rugs, sold to mugs
  • Tour buses with faulty brakes
  • Embarrassing tour guide mistakes
  • Stagnant lakes
  • Antique fakes
  • Poison snakes
  • Huge headaches
  • Toothaches
  • Back aches
  • Stomachaches
  • Earthquakes
  • Amputees
  • Killer bees
  • Wild disease
  • Stolen keys
  • Mean monkeys (called gorillas)
  • Mean humans (called guerrillas)
  • Anguished moans
  • Broken phones
  • Voodoo crones
  • Piles of bones
  • Yellow fever
  • Jungle fever
  • Cabin fever
  • Disco fever
  • Rickety roads
  • Poison toads
  • Immoral goads
  • Your bus explodes
  • Abused women
  • Rotten lemon
  • Abused children
  • Lots o' killin'
  • Abused men
  • Atrocities again
  • Apes
  • Rapes
  • Apes that rape
  • Rape of apes
  • Porous drapes
  • Poisonous grapes
  • Biohazard warning tape
  • Homicidal dudes escape
  • Botulism
  • Barbarism
  • Feminism
  • Communism
  • Creationism
  • Socialism
  • Cynicism
  • Terrorism
  • Fatalism
  • Dictatorship
  • Drug Ship
  • Gunship
  • Hardship
  • Meth
  • Death
  • Warring tribes
  • Shameless bribes
  • Thieving maids
  • High top fades
  • Super AIDS
  • Army raids
  • Stagnant glades
  • Razor blades
  • Woven braids
  • Frag grenades
  • Stupidity
  • Malignancy
  • Homosexuality
  • Teen Pregnancy


  • Also, did I mention the AIDS?


Plus, the monkeys all have rabies. (And of course AIDS)

Conclusion

Africa sucks. After reading about this dank shit-hole, it's normal to feel depressed. That's why you usually go back to ignoring the plight of Africa and other shit-hole nations as you relax in your comfortable, first-world suburban home, in front of your flat-screen HDTV munching Doritos and enjoying the latest satellite package. You make me sick.

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