Affordable Monthly Payments
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Blown your mortgage on poker and crack? Got enough credit cards to tile a small bathroom? Whatever your circumstances self employed, psychotic, dead, we could help.
Need money for home improvements, a new car, or just to get your next fix?
Got so many loans your bills arrive in a skip? Don’t worry.
With us you can consolidate all your small debts into one enormous debt tumour, with a tentacle. Now that might sound like it makes no financial sense, but then what do you know about finances? You’re in debt. You might think the last think you need is another giant loan, but this isn’t a loan it’s a once in a life time opportunity! Because we’re not like the others, we’re different. We're not going to wrangle you like a helpless debt puppet. That’s a promise, not a legally binding promise. But a promise non the less.
Still need convincing? Well look at what our customers have been saying...
Think of all your little debts as leeches. Do you want to be covered in leeches? I didn’t think so. Or you could think of it in terms of diseases; by getting a loan with us you’re trading cancer for flu, so everyone’s a winner.
Unlike other loan providers, our repayment scheme is pyramid shaped, statistically proven to be the most honest shape.
Our affordable monthly repayments are convinient and inexpensive, we accept all major credit cards and even major internal organs, got a kidney you don't need? Then use it to pay off up to 3% of your intrest! If you don't have a credit card: don't worry! You can apply for one on our free collect phone number. A credit card is a happy plastic friend that'll never let you down, ever. Plastic squares don't lie like people, and you can use them to buy cars and other incredibly expensive items, with no consequences!
Credit Cannon is the company you can trust, like you’d trust a priest,except this priest can take your house. But in a nice way. Call now and we’ll give you a choice of free gifts (Batteries not included) to welcome you as a customer. Choose between a set of titanium plated steak knives, an illustrated biography of Richard Nixon or one of those weird spinney clocks that old people have
Call Credit Cannon now and give the icy comatose corpse of your finances a life saving electric shock.
edit DULL LEGAL THINGS YOU SHOULD IGNORE.
I agree to the repossession of my home and all assets in the event of a missed repayment, or at any time Credit Cannon LTD sees fit. I also cede Credit Cannon the mineral rights to my liver for 1000 years. I also agree to enter any children in my possession into a Nigerian ‘Student exchange Program’ in association with Nike INC.
In the case of non payment of debts I agree to mutilation with pliers until such time as Credit Cannon LTD is repaid in full, at a rate of one million percent interest (Adjusted for inflation.)