Aesop's Fables

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 16:22, June 24, 2005 by Nemmo (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search

Aesop's Fables are a collection of moral tales by Aesop, who is some old, dead, Greek guy.

These fables use interesting stories to get across a moral. This is because Aesop basically couldn't get to the point, long winded old bore that he was. Some of Aesop's fables are still used to irritate children to this very day.

Some of Aesop's Fables

The Tortoise and the Hare

A tortoise and a hare agreed to race. The hare took off at a tremendous pace, but lay down to sleep on the way. The slow but steady tortoise thus emerged victorious.

Moral: Tortoises frequently carry rohypnol. Never leave your drink unattended when tortoises are about.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

All through the summer, the busy ant collected grain for the winter. Meanwhile, the feckless grasshopper did nothing but sing and dance. When winter came, the ant retired to his hole to install storm windows and reorganise his mortgage payments. The grasshopper had died a month earlier when he crashed his Harley into an oncoming semi-trailer during a two week bourbon and cocaine binge. Teenagers still kept pictures of the grasshopper on their walls, years after the ant had died of complications arising from surgery to remove a kidney stone.

Moral: Live fast and die young.

The Boy who Cried Wolf

Once, there was a boy whose job it was to guard the village sheep. Unfortunately, he got a little too 'attached' to one of his charges, if you know what I mean. After the Humane Society reported him to the authorities, the cops came to arrest him. Cunningly, the boy cried 'WOLF!' very loudly, and then escaped in the ensuing panic.

Moral: Always have a contingency plan; you don't want to go to prison as a sheep molester, for God's sake.

The Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs

Once there was a goose that laid golden eggs. The farmer who owned the goose was ecstatic. Then some hired goons from the local gold mining consortium came by and shot the goose and broke the farmer's legs.

Moral: Don't rock the boat.

The Fox and the Grapes

Once a fox saw some black grapes hanging from a vine. He tried every means at his disposal to get to them, but he could not. 'The grapes are sour' he declared, and stomped off indignantly. About a day later, the grape withdrawals really started to take hold, and so ended up having to fellate a grape-pusher in Athens.

Moral: Where are my goddamn grapes! Don't hold out on me, man!

The Scorpion and the Frog

One day a scorpion came to the bank of the river. Unable to cross, he asked a frog for a lift. The frog agreed. Four hours later, the frog deposited the scorpion on the bank.

'Did we have to go via those rapids?' asked the scorpion. 'Wouldn't it have been quicker just to go straight across?'

'Nah, mate, this was a shortcut,' replied the frog. 'That'll be $67.50.'

Moral: Cabbies are bastards

The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse

A town mouse came to see his cousin in the country, and dined at his house. The country mouse spent the evening angrily denouncing the teaching of evolution in public schools. A month later, the country mouse went to the city to return the visit, and was brutally mugged at an ATM. It was six months before he could leave the hospital.

Moral: There's many a mickle as makes a muckle.

The Horse and the Bartender

A horse walked into a bar, so the bartender said 'Why the long face?'

Moral: Hypocritical speeches are easily seen through.

The Lion and the Mouse

Once a lion was awakened from his sleep by a mouse. The lion raised his paw to crush the mouse, but the mouse begged for mercy. 'If you let me live,' he said, 'I will one day repay your kindness.' The lion scoffed at the idea that a humble mouse could ever help a mighty lion, but nonetheless he let the mouse go. The mouse promptly sued the lion for an estimated five hundred thousand dollars, citing assault and mental anguish. The lion took to the bottle, and died a penniless wino.

Moral: No good deed ever goes unpunished.

The Crow and the Pitcher

Once a thirsty crow landed on the table of a beer garden. He noticed that on the table was a pitcher half filled with cheap American beer. The crow tried and tried to dip its head into the pitcher to get the "beer", but was unsuccessful. He noticed pebbles lying on the pat, and one by one he carried them to the pitcher and dropped them in. Slowly, the level of the beer began to rise, until, at last, the crow could drink. Unfortunately, he drank so much that he became intoxicated and flew into the windshield of an oncoming bus.

Moral: Crows like cheap beer

no... wait...

Moral: Crows like their drinks "on the rocks"

The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Once a wolf decided to get closer to the flock, so he disguised himself as a sheep. He walked amongst the flock, deceiving sheep and shepherd alike. That night, as he was about to devour one of the sheep, he was repeatedly sexually molested by the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Moral: Even the cleverest of schemes can be ruined by a running gag.

The Bull and the Frogs

Once there were a couple of frogs standing next to a bull. One of the frogs said to the other: "i bet you can't inflate yourself to become as big as this bull". The frog felt offended and went to see her psychoanalist. The next day she returned and answered: "no, i can't become as big as the bull but i'm OK with that".

Then the bull trampled on both frogs.

Moral: bulls don't give a shit about frogs.

Personal tools