From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
These fables use interesting stories, which feature English-speaking animals as the character base, to get across a moral. They were written to be relevant and meaningful to children who could relate to the various stereotypes the animals symbolized. Aesop wrote his stories in this manner because he was inarticulate and couldn't just get to the point. I had a collection of fables when I was younger, and you know what it taught me? Not a goddamn thing!
Some of Aesop's Fables
The Tortoise and the Hare
A tortoise and a hare agreed to race. The hare took off at a tremendous pace, but lay down to sleep on the way. The slow but steady tortoise thus emerged victorious.
Moral: Tortoises frequently carry rohypnol. Never leave your drink unattended when tortoises are about.
The Ant and the Grasshopper
All through the summer, the busy ant collected grain for the winter. Meanwhile, the feckless grasshopper did nothing but sing and dance. When winter came, the ant retired to his hole to install storm windows and reorganise his mortgage payments. The grasshopper had died a month earlier when he crashed his Harley into an oncoming semi-trailer during a two week bourbon and cocaine binge. Teenagers still kept pictures of the grasshopper on their walls, years after the ant had died of complications arising from surgery to remove a kidney stone.
Moral: Live fast and die young.
The Boy who Cried Wolf
Once, there was a boy whose job it was to guard the village sheep. Unfortunately, he got a little too 'attached' to one of his charges, if you know what I mean. After the Humane Society reported him to the authorities, the cops came to arrest him. Cunningly, the boy cried 'WOLF!' very loudly, and then escaped in the ensuing panic.
The Fox and the Grapes
Once a fox saw some black grapes hanging from a vine. He tried every means at his disposal to get to them, but he could not. 'The grapes are sour' he declared, and stomped off indignantly. About a day later, the grape withdrawals really started to take hold, and so ended up having to fellate a grape-pusher in Athens.
Moral: Where are my goddamn grapes! Don't hold out on me, man!
The Punch Line that could
One day a little boy named Jesus kept on making the same joke again and again. Whenever one of his friends would use a verb in conversation, he would take that verb and insert it into the empty space in his formula joke that was metaphoricaly relevant to his life and was evidently symbolic of somthing. The joke went like this; "Your mother *verb used* the *noun used*" or something of equal stupidity. At first he got a few laughs but overall everyone agreed he was a bit of a fag and nailed him to wooden planks to shut him the fuck up once and for all.
Moral: Your mother is the lord and saviour!
The Scorpion and the Frog
One day a scorpion came to the bank of the river. Unable to cross, he asked a frog for a lift. The frog agreed. Four hours later, the frog deposited the scorpion on the bank.
'Did we have to go via those rapids?' asked the scorpion. 'Wouldn't it have been quicker just to go straight across?'
'Nah, mate, this was a shortcut,' replied the frog. 'That'll be $67.50.'
Moral: Cabbies are bastards
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Story unavailable at present time due to impending court case concerning blatant copyright infringement.
Moral: Cheaters never prosper
The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse
A town mouse came to see his cousin in the country, and dined at his house. The country mouse spent the evening angrily denouncing the teaching of evolution in public schools. A month later, the country mouse went to the city to return the visit, and was brutally mugged at an ATM. It was six months before he could leave the hospital.
Moral: There's many a mickle as makes a muckle.
The Dog and the Ghost
A Ghost took to terrorising the people who lived in the area surrounding an abandoned amusement park. A team of Children and their Dog came to investigate. The Ghost attempted to chase the Children out of his abode while the Dog made a sandwich. The Ghost was caught and the Children removed his mask to reveal his true indentity.
Moral: Never underestimate the tenacity of meddling kids... and their dog, too
The Horse and the Bartender
A horse walked into a bar, so the bartender said 'Why the long face?'
Moral: Hypocritical speeches are easily seen through.
The Horse and the Bartender, Whom Was Also a Horse
A horse walks into a bar, so the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Moral: Get the punch line right the first time, douche.
The Horse and the Bartender, Who Was Also a Grammar Nazi
A horse walks into a bar, so the bartender says, "The word "whom" is for direct objects and the verb "to be" takes a predicate nominative in the subjective case, not a direct object."
Moral: I am a douche.
The Grammar Nazi And The Horse
A horse walks into a bar, so the bartender says, "Sprechen Sie nur Deutsch! Tod zu den Juden! Das Reich steigt vor allen Nationen!"
Moral: You lost the war, go home.
The Lion and the Mouse
Once a lion was awakened from his sleep by a mouse. The lion raised his paw to crush the mouse, but the mouse begged for mercy. 'If you let me live,' he said, 'I will one day repay your kindness.' The lion scoffed at the idea that a humble mouse could ever help a mighty lion, but nonetheless he let the mouse go. The mouse promptly sued the lion for an estimated five hundred thousand dollars, citing assault and mental anguish. The lion took to the bottle, and died a penniless wino.
Moral: No good deed ever goes unpunished.
The Crow and the Pitcher
Once a thirsty crow landed on the table of a beer garden. He noticed that on the table was a pitcher half filled with cheap American beer. The crow tried and tried to dip its head into the pitcher to get the "beer", but was unsuccessful. He noticed pebbles lying on the pat, and one by one he carried them to the pitcher and dropped them in. Slowly, the level of the beer began to rise, until, at last, the crow could drink. Unfortunately, he drank so much that he became intoxicated and flew into the windshield of an oncoming bus.
Moral: Crows like cheap beer
Moral: Crows like their drinks "on the rocks"
The Dog and the Hare
Fine Ales. Hot Food and a Selection of Sandwiches. Two Meals for the Price of One. Free Parking. Turn off at junction 12 then turn right past the first set of traffic lights, then turn right again at the church and we're on the the left opposite IKEA.
Moral: Book now to avoid disappointment.
The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
Once a wolf decided to get closer to the flock, so he disguised himself as a sheep. He walked amongst the flock, deceiving sheep and shepherd alike. That night, as he was about to devour one of the sheep, he was repeatedly sexually molested by the Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Moral: Even the cleverest of schemes can be ruined by a running gag.
The Bull and the Frogs
Once there were a couple of frogs standing next to a bull. One of the frogs said to the other: "I bet you can't inflate yourself to become as big as this bull". The frog felt offended and went to see her psychoanalyst. The next day she returned and answered: "No, I can't become as big as the bull but I'm OK with that".
Then the bull trampled on both frogs.
Moral: Bulls don't give a shit about frogs.
The Ass, the Cock, and the Lion
An ass and a cock where playing around in a straw-yard. Jimmy "the Lion" Badger, the local sheriff, arrested their owners and threw them in prison. Then the centrist judge sentenced them to nine years in a state penitentiary for sodomy.
Moral: NOT IN THIS COUNTRY!
The Tree and the Reed
"Well, little one," said a Tree to a Reed that was growing at its foot, "why do you not plant your feet deeply in the ground, and raise your head boldly in the air as I do?"
"I am contented with my lot," said the Reed. "I may not be so grand, but I think I am safer."
"OMG n00b." said the tree. Then a Mexican landscaper came and weed-whacked the reed. "¡Adios Señor Flexibilidad!"
Moral: You're in America now. Speak English.
The Democrat, the Republican, and the High School Student
The high school student would not go two minutes without a poorly thought out George W. Bush joke or reference. After two hours of it the Democrat and the Republican were both sick to death of the high school student's poorly thought out and generally unfunny quips. So they put aside their differences and beat the holy hell out of the teenager. Then they went back to disagreeing with each other about the current administration, albeit in a much less annoying environment.
Moral: If a guy's not funny, beat him up and laugh at him.
The Two Men in the Round Room
One day a man, thinking himself clever, decided to trick another man. He invited him to a completely round room, and asked him to pee in the corner after he left. A few minutes later when he returned, he found the man had peed all over the walls, the floor, the furniture, and the ceiling. When he asked him what the hell he was doing, he stabbed him, hid his body in the round basement, and fled.
Moral: If you have any information that can help lead to the capture of this man, please call 1-800-AmericasMostWanted
The Hawk, the Kite, and the Pigeons
The pigeons, terrified by the appearance of a Kite (Bird Of Prey with Large Nasty Talons), called upon the HMO Hawk to insure them. He immediately ran a background check on the pigeons and agreed to insure them for a flat rate of $250(US) a month. When they let him into their shelter for a final inspection, they found that he made more havoc and slew more pigeons in one day than the Kite could pounce upon in a whole year.
Moral: Only acquire insurance from a reputable agent. Trust Life. Trust Geico.
The Nurse and the Wolf
The Wolf, still smarting from his encounter with the Boy who cried Wolf, ran to the nearest hospital whereupon he was tended to by an attractive Nurse wearing a PVC outfit with a low neckline. The Wolf's eyes turned to love-hearts on stalks and his tongue rolled out across the floor. The Nurse turned into a Bunny and gave the Wolf a stick of dynamite. The Wolf's fur was blown off in the explosion, and a nearby Pig said "Th-Th-Th-That's All Folks".
Moral: Believe everything you see in cartoons
The Tax Collector and the Pharisee
The Tax Collector, always eager to collect taxes and such, was hard at work stealing money from the poor. The Pharisee, on the other hand, was content to remain an uprtight self-righteous prick. Eventually, they both died, although the Tax Collector had more money at the time.
Moral: Not everything has a moral, moron
The Greek, the Macedonian and the Persian
A Greek, a Macedonian and a Persian decided to rob the Ephesus Central Bank together. They succeeded and ran away with some 5,000,000 drachmas. The Civilian Guard, however, was soon after them. The three robbers decided to hide in trees. Each climbed up a separate tree. The Civilian Guard was soon under the trees, wondering if there was something up there. The Greek had done some fast thinking and said 'tweet'. "Ah, it's just a sparrow" said one of the guards. The Macedonian then said 'cuckoo, cuckoo'. "Ah, it's just a cuckoo" said the guards. After this, the Persian shouted: "Moo!"
Moral: The Persians are stupid (apparently Aesop was a bit of a racist)
The Other Greek, Macedonian and Persian
Shortly after the shannanigans of the previous Greek, Macedonian and Persian at the bank, a second trio attempted to reenact the event at the Second Ephesus Central Bank. They escaped with an undisclosed amount of drachmas but were befuddled to find the Civilian Guard after them. Again. However, these robbers decided to hide in an old abandoned shed. As the Civilian Guard stormed around outside the shed, the robbers hid inside old, unused sacks. One of the guards walked into the shed, and noticing the sacks, began to kick at the sacks. The quick witted Greek quickly let out a muffled "Meow Meow". "Ah, it's just a cat" the Guard announced. The second Macedonian, not all too original but still sharp, let out a "Woof Woof". "Ah, it's just a dog" said the Guard. As he approached the Persian's sack, the Persian shouted "Potatoes Potatoes!"
Moral: Persians aren't the sharpest spoons in the shed. Also: since the potato was first introduced to Europe during the 16th century, the Persian shows some monumentally bad thinking when shouting the name of a plant no one knows.
The Rabbi, the Priest, and the flaming visage of Frank Lloyd Wright
The Geisha, the Monk, and the Jew
A geisha, a monk, and a Jew were out fishing on a lake. The geisha was hungry, so she got out, walked on the water, and went to the nearby sushi bar. Thirty minutes later the monk was feeling horny, so he got out, walked on the water, and went to the nearby gay sex club. Minutes later, the Jew decided to find the others, so he got out, tried to walk on the water, but drowned. The monk turned to the geisha and said "I guess we should have told him where the rocks were."
Moral: Hitler was right. Also, geisha win at everything!
The Ass, The Cock, and The Bitch
Once upon a time, there was this guy who was an ass. He also was a bitch. And a cock.
Moral: After writing this fable, Aesop realized that he was the ass/cock/bitch that he had talked about in his story. He promptly took out a gun and shot himself.
The Fable Above
Once upon a time, there was an author who was uninspired. The author wanted to take part in the clever genius of his peers in writing short stories with ironic and humorous morals. In the end though, he fell short due to the fact the author was just imitating their peers rather than developing inner creativity. LOLZZz AM I RIT7E GUYZ?!?!?!
The Grasshopper and the Octopus
All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all of his acorns. And also, he got a race-car.
Moral: Don't bother being original. Just rip off Futurama.
The Lonely Senator
A senator get's lonely in Washington DC. So he tried prostitutes, and he wasn't happy, he tried gay sex and he wasn't happy he then got himself a dog and was happy.
Moral: If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
The Two Muffins
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin said, "Boy it's hot in here." The other muffin said, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"
Moral: Dude - you need to lay off the brownies.
The Importance of Being Earnest
“No, you stupid bastard. That was me”
The Fox and Apollo... and Mercury
A crow caught in a snare prayed to Apollo to release him, making a vow to offer some frankincense at his shrine. But when rescued from his danger, he spaced on his promise. Shortly afterwards, again caught in a snare, he passed by Apollo and made the same promise to offer frankincense to Mercury. Mercury soon appeared and said to him, "O thou most base fellow? What use could one such as I have for stupid frankincense?"
"Dude," replied the fox, "I've got a great source for weed - only $6 a G!"
"Deal." answered Mercury.
Moral: Frankincense is a f-ing lame gift.
The Fox and the Crow
Moral: Don't give your food to foxes
Whoever added this story to this article is a friend of Dorothy
The Hare, the Duck and the Hunter
A hunter was out looking for his nightly meal. He was very, very quiet and soon had both a Hare and a Duck cornered. He was unsure of which to take for his stew pot at home.
Meanwhile, a sneaky, slant-eyed Jap with buck-teeth began wringing his hands together and laughing evilly. The Hunter, Hare and Duck put aside their differences and united against their common enemy. Through cleverness, strength and good old-fashioned American know-how, they poked the Jap in the butt with a bayonet.
Moral: Buy War Bonds.