Adventure Quest

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Adventure Quest.

AdventureQuest is an online, flash-based RPG that takes place in the fictional realm of Lore. It is owned and developed by Artix Entertainment, who are also the creators of DragonFable, MechQuest, EpicDuel, and EbilGames.[1] To play AdventureQuest, one requires nothing but a web browser, an internet connection, and a complete lack of real-world interests.

Gameplay

AdventureQuest is the first of Artix Entertainment's projects that turned the Role playing game genre upside-down.[2] In fact, many people wonder why the game was ever labelled as a RPG. AdventureQuest takes the classic roleplaying elements; character development, plot, decision making and fun... and then brutally crushes them into a gory mess.

AdventureQuest

The lesser warbeast waits politely as you consider your next move.

For example, don't be fooled by the name AdventureQuest. It's just there to trick you into thinking that those two things actually happen.

Character creation

The player must go through a number of detailed and complex steps necessary to create their distinct character.

  1. Name: First, a suitable name must be chosen.[3] Ideally it would match their personality, if they had one.
  2. Class: Having selected an appropriate alias, the player can now choose to be a 'fighter', 'mage' or 'rogue'. There are no noticeable differences between any of these classes.
  3. Look: And finally, the player is presented with a default face template, which they can alter by choosing eye and skin color. At the end of the process, no visible changes have been made.

In the end, after hours of careful selection, your character will still be absolutely the same as every other character ever created.

I don’t understand why they even have any options at all.

Combat

Combat is the primary facet of AdventureQuest.[4] Upon a single click of the 'Battle on!' button, the player is transported to an elemental-themed sect of wilderness, where they land face-to-face with a similarly elemental-themed monster. If the game is feeling creative, there might be two monsters. This is a rare treat, though.

The combatants take a few steps back, face off, and proceed take turns whacking each other with their respective elemental-themed weapons. In between attacks, they spend their time by waiting respectfully, as their opponent completes such necessary tasks as contemplating their next move, drinking healing potions, and changing their armor in the middle of battle. Because 'ancient lesser War-beasts of Chaos and Doom' are always known to be respectful.

Then, mercifully, one of the red-health-bars is depleted to empty, and the loser dies a jerkily animated death in which they appear to have a seizure. Loot is handed out, and the hero is transported back to the homepage, ready to click the 'Battle on!' button and start the cycle again.

Yeah, sounds pretty bad. Still, it beats Runescape.

AdventureQuest3

BattleOn, grand capital of Lore... and it's got four buildings.

Synopsis

Setting

The game takes place on the fantastical land of Lore; a planet of inordinate magic, varied climate, and lots of monsters. Heaps of them.[5]

The player begins the game at the town of BattleOn, the largest and most established settlement in the land. It has four small buildings, a population of eight cardboard cutout citizens with the inability to move around, and lots of floating red buttons.

The following locations are available at the town:

  • The Inn: A humble, ramshackle place, the Inn has good Coopers Dry, some poker machines, and for some unexplainable reason, a stockpile of powerful magical weapons.
  • Magic Shop: A dim dwelling where Warlic, a shady individual, sells various magical substances.
  • Guardian Tower: Only those with the Guardian class can enter the Guardian Tower. You probably could have worked that out yourself.
  • Aria's Pet Shop: Aria sells kittens, overfed rabbits, dog food past its use-by-date, pre-used fish tanks... oh, and I almost forgot, magical fire-breathing dragons.
  • City in the Sky: A mysterious floating castle, long abandoned by a vanished people. They are currently being sued for not installing safety railings on the edges of their paths.[6]

All the town is lacking, in fact, is a place to buy food.

Plot

AdventureQuest does not have a central, linear storyline like many other games. The world of Lore is vast and complex, with many struggles between good and evil. Sinister forces are everywhere, and it is your job to stop them.

In other words, it has no plot.

To make up for that, Artix have introduced what they call 'quests'. These 'quests' were thrown in to add some variety to the game - or at least to create the illusion of it. While labelled 'quests', they basically consist of strings of semi-thematic battles, tied together with a contrived plot. It's exactly the same as clicking the 'Battle on' button a few times, except you have to grind through half a novel of speech bubbles between each fight. And no one reads them anyway.

Payment and Guardianship

AdventureQuest2

Pictured: Someone with way too much time on their hands.

Artix Entertainment released the game free to play; probably because no one in their right minds would ever pay for it.

However, one must fork out twenty dollars if they want access to the elite Guardian class, which unlocks bonus content. This content includes new locations, new quests, and new weapons, spells and armor. And by 'new', we mean, 'the exact same thing, just drawn differently so no one will tell the difference.'[7]

Notes

  1. They are known as 'the company with the broken space bar’.
  2. Or at least 120 degrees to the left.
  3. While naming your character 'my penis' is somewhat immature, it does add humor to the otherwise dull conversation scenes.
  4. Heck, it's the only one.
  5. That's a lot.
  6. None of them have appeared yet at the scheduled court meetings.
  7. And by ‘drawn’, we mean ‘hastily scribbled in MSPaint’.
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