AdventureQuest
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“The love of AdventureQuest is the root of all evil.”
~ St. Paul on AdventureQuest
“The love of AdventureQuest is the root of all evil.”
~ St. Paul on AdventureQuest
Once upon a time, an evil brotherood was formed. It included Hitler, Satan, and a mysterious man named Adam Bohn. And these three did forge a dark and terrible pact, wherein Adam agreed to sell the bodies and souls of his players (both of which are forfeited according to the Terms and Conditions of the site) to Hitler and Satan, respectively. These business partners would become Artix Entertainment, the evil organization which created both AdventureQuest and DragonFable.
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[edit] AdventureQuest
AdventureQuest is a free online communist development device, used to embue communist beliefs into our youth, developed by Nazi Scientists in 1982. Their leader is Artix "Adolph" Von Krieger a mad inventor with too much time on his hands. It takes place in Lore, the Land Of Retarded Evil. This website claims to be free of cost, but beware! The "game" derives its sustenance from human emotions, ranging from anger and frustration to joyful bliss. Soon, the world will be filled with people with their souls sucked dry from from their bodies.
Of course, the soulless husks of people who wanted nothing more than to enjoy a cheap MMORPG will have difficulty fitting into the world (see Zombie).
Those who have already had their souls totally sucked out by the game often opt to become Guardians. As everyone knows, Guardians are responsible for the care of minors and small children. It is suspected that they take on these responsibilities so they can sacrifice these children to the great god Artix von Krieger.
[edit] Plotline
In order to better impersonate a harmless child's game, the AE team of specially trained subliminal hypnotists have developed an innocent-seeming storyline, filled with joy and creativity. The basic idea is that the player is a ridiculously overpowered being capable of defeating a series of lizards. Suddenly, and without warning, the player is asked to solve a lot of totally incomprehensible puzzles. In return, in lieu of gold or experiance, the player is given access to NPC's who speak no known human language, and also cutscenes which do not contain any apparent content. By level 20, the sections of the brain responsible for willpower and critical decision making have been totally fried by the specially hidden nazi messages. By level 40, the player is prepared to pledge their loyalty to 'Lord Artix' forever. At this point, AE is required to act quickly, because the player is generally left in a permanent vegetative state by level 90. Those who survive are given positions as accountants, or in Congress.
[edit] T3h-Gallan
In order to keep anyone from noticing and/or rebelling against this evil plot, Artix Entertainment has recently released a new load of storyline, which tells of the coming of a great savior named 'T3h-Gallan', who will blow up the entire planet. The ingame story then goes on to tell of how the entire world is actually a giant pinata, full of candy. In order to stop 'T3h-Gallan' from eating all the candy for himself, players must fight anthropomorphic personifications of vegetables in order to gain 'The Salivation Weapons', which will allow them to become all-powerful gods.
Unbeknownst to these poor souls, this entire sequence is nothing more than a plot to summon 'T3h-Gallan' into the internet, wherein he will conquer all things, and allow Artix to become the 'Master of the Internet'. Rumors that opening the ingame 'Vault of Truth' will cause the 'T3h-Gallan' program to enter your mind and bend you to its will are obviously and totally fake, as the AE staff have attested to.
[edit] Races
Several races are being developed. Personally, I would enjoy shape shifting the most, because then I would shape shift into a leprechaun and I could go 'capture my pot of gold'. It is true, in this game Leprechaun is a secret class obtained by a ridiculous quest where you must find Hitler's moustache. This was most likely implemented due to the fact they are racist. The possibility that the author is drunk instead should be disregarded, as it is a completely inane idea, on the whole.
[edit] Sub-Races
Sub-races are similar to classes in that you must wear a special armor to access the abilities you have gained. These sub-races are strictly for anyone who doesn't know their own race. Generally these sub-races are believed to work on the principle of mutating the wearers DNA with a temporary mutagenic field- however the presence of the 'Moron', 'Golem', 'Immortal', and the often sought after 'Cheaters and Abusers' sub-races suggest that sub-races are actually representative of the delusions and instabilities of the gamer.
One developer is quoted as saying however that the whole race and sub-race madness is a deliberate ploy to piss off the gamers. "Boy do we get a laugh... they come in all angsty and demand we fix things and we are all like 'Yeah, it's on the agenda' but really we are laughing our asses off." In other news, it was recently determined through the work of an undercover investigator that AdventureQuest staff members are, in fact, assed.
[edit] Classes
Once thought to be only a marketing ploy to keep people playing the game in feverish anticipation of them, classes have finally been introduced. They are many and varied, all unique in their own way. They are as follows:
[edit] Uncle Pennybags
This class is for those simpletons who have far too much money, or perhaps merely too great an addiction for the repetitive. They have sent in thousands of dollars apiece, foregoing food and clothing for "rare" (see Useless) items and bonuses. This is absolutely the best class in the game, as those who have enough money to obtain it are obviously far better than those who cannot.
[edit] Super-Clicker
This class is granted to those who have forgone the many other pleasures in life to click the same button millions of times in order to obtain glory in the eyes of their peers. These brave souls spend many a night ignoring even the most basic of hygiene routines on their noble quest to break mice in the pursuit of greatness. As an extra bonus, these wonderful men and women have single-handedly revitalized the medical industry to serve their inexplicable breakouts of carpal tunnel syndrome.
[edit] Haxx0r
This class is only open to those who possess no life and have also turned to the dark side, selling their souls to Satan (See Tirlerion) in return for hacking equipment. They proceed to easily level past 100 in a matter of days. Then someone finds out about them and bans them. This is the rarest class, as no one keeps it long. One of the few people who have avoided this is the mysterious character, "Soulfang", who is, according to a certain staff member, not a test/staff character. If you want to play for a long time, avoid this class.
[edit] Other Classes
Any other classes one may encounter are irrelevant when compared to these three, and those with them should be repeatedly and openly mocked and/or jeered.
[edit] Game Locations
A great variety of locations exist in AdventureQuest. They, for the large part, defy the laws of physics and good taste, and are often exceedingly ugly. They are as follows.
[edit] Caelestia
This mysterious place cannot be reached by people like you; only truly lifeless people get sent here by the "God of Evil" (Lawful Evil, he wears a tuxedo; Chaotic Evil can't wear that), Falerin. Here the "Truthseekers" continually beat the crap out of each other to seek the Truth on how to gain the super weapon, "Ub3rbl4d3", and, when they have nothing else to do, destroy The'Galin.
[edit] Isle D'Oriens
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
~ Some Guy Who Fell Off of the Isle D'Oriens on Isle D'Oriens
A floating collection of four buildings in the sky, the Isle D'Oriens is currently facing multiple class action lawsuits due to its lack of safety rails to prevent players from accidentally stumbling off the edge.
[edit] The Pit
“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
~ Jame Gumb on The Pit
[edit] Wars
Artix Entertainment routinely host wars as an explanation Deux Ex Machina for the total reversion and retcon of elements within the game. These wars are held every other Thursday in the Kyle's basement, and generally involve much crying and whining.
“Crying and Whining are a part of all aspects of the AQ experience. We have to put up with it so at least we ought to get a laugh out of the process”
~ Galanoth an AQ Developer on Player Complaints
In general, wars are fought for the mere pleasure of watching players fight hundreds of Swedish policemen with nerf bats and their feet. Underground.
[edit] Mysterious Plots
The AdventureQuest game has been subject to various conspiracies since its inception. None is perhaps more disturbing then the entire replacement of the Moglin race with a group of alien imposters who are decidedly cutesy and quite wholly unlike the original race. Not since the Klingons has so whole scale an invasion gone unremarked upon by the general fanbase.
Moglins were the odd cross genetic constructs that were mixed with a rabbit and kangaroo. There were originally created as a quick and inexpensive manual work force. However they were soon replaced with Drakel technology simply because they seemed more concerned with hugging than working.
Some have suggested that such mysterious goings on is commonplace in webgames and note the rather mysterious and often horrifying redesign of certain Neopets as evidence of this theory. Personally, I think these people have huffed a few too many kittens.
Also notable is the total lack of continuity present not only with in the game but between the game and supposed history. One must conjecture how the plot holes present therein. The geography of said history, as posted on the Forums, is almost entirely impossible to reconcile with that of the game. Indeed a map posted by the LoreMaster, the snob responsible for recording said history, has been directly contradicted by the map of the game. Such incongruity may in fact be a feature. Reference Discworld, Xanth, and numerous others with impossible to reconcile geographical features.
[edit] Z-Tokens
Z-Tokens are the most recent diabolical attempt by AdventureQuest to steal candy from a baby. Every week, instead of actually releasing fulfilling game content, a shiny new "most powerful weapon" that can only be bought with Z-Tokens which can only be bought with real money is released. The young children, fascinated by the bright colors and the possibility of a new "most powerful weapon" eagerly throw money at the feet of Artix in the hopes of obtaining some of these holy tokens.
[edit] Token Schemes
In addition to selling the tokens, the staff enjoys dangling the promise of a ridiculously small amount of tokens for every player, should enough of them agree to become guinea pigs for the "benevolent sponsors".
[edit] AQ Team
As per Artix's commands, a team of unskilled new age musicians were ordered to work on the company's games. These "artists" range from Umpa Lumpas to the people who weren't able to get a role on Saved by the Bell. Using their arsenal of undead mice and high quality low-grade software, the team was able to create many worthless additions to AdventureQuest, including the BURP, a zombie rat enlarged 300 times, the Ironer of unwrinkly clothes, and finally, the Chuck Norris Round-House Kick spell, able to punt the enemy into Carnax's behind(not to be confused with the Twilly punter which was created by Artix himself, used to entertain him during those lonely nights... sicko).
The newest member of the team is Ducky from "The Land BeforeTime," who comes equipped with +4 STR ankle bracers and The Nazi Shield of Charisma. Ducky's expertise is karate chops to the leg, which come in handy when the rest of the team decides to take unneeded breaks.
[edit] The Knights of Order
The Knights of Order, or "KoO", mysteriously appeared as part of the AQ staff a few years ago. Their job: to ignore little nooblets demanding balanced quests and weapons. Rumor has it that they were originally formed by the rogue pirate plant known as Captain Rhubarb, but recent studies show that they may actually be a secret division of Swedish Al-Qaeda, and are therefore extremely dangerous. Their current leader is Kalanyr "Teh Balance" Godmod, a crazed mod obsessed with making 5000 damage spells with 1000+ bth, as well as 5-hit armors with 500% base and random damages. Other notable KoO members include CaelCryos, an evil ice golem who serves Kalanyr, and Pae, a Vorpal Gecko of Death who enjoys crawling up forum walls and eating souls.
[edit] PETA Allegations
Startling new information about the origins of the original AdventureQuest code confirms wide consensus that it was designed by a mentally challenged hamster living in Falerin II's trash can.
“The Abuse of this hamster by ArtixEntertainment and Caelestia.net might have gone unremarked on in the dark ages. We however live in enlightened times. We find this abuse wholly unconscionable and demand ArtixEntertainment and Caelestia.net adopt Fair Trade practices immediately”
~ PETA Spokesperson on Hampster exploitation for fun and profit
Also, it has been proven that Artix Entertainment uses hamsters to power their servers. There has been much talk to switching to the more modern chihuahuas, but AE does not possess sufficient funds to purchase that many dogs AND fund upkeep on Artix's twelve mansions.
[edit] Community
[edit] Forums
One should note that AdventureQuest comes with an abundance of forums. These include the 'Smoke More Weed forum' (also known as The OOC Room), the 'G4/\/\3r5 forum' (for those who can't type in normal English), and the 'Newb forum' (for new initiates to the Nazi Party). Unfortunately in these restless times the AQ Forums are filled with many kids who have not yet hit puberty arguing about whose fictional NPC master is more "ebil", and those who suck up to the mods (see "KoO or "The Moderators"). Making the whole situation even more unfortunate is that the previous sentence is actually true.
More detail is given below, at the cost of a number of operatives' sanity and minds. May they get the finest treatment available.
[edit] Major Forum Groups
The majority of forum users are split into three primary groups.
[edit] The Asshats
These users feel the need to try to prove their greater intelligence and abilities over the rest of the forums by being total asshats to other users, creating threads radiating elitism sufficient to boil an egg at eighty paces. These users rapidly rise to be idolized and become generals over the lower classes, many of whom seek to emulate them. They often end up so idolized they believe they're a forum god, leading them to do something idiotic and be perma-banned.
[edit] The Worshippers
These users worship the ground the staff and any moderator walk on, and would cut themselves for the chance to even read a post from Artix himself. Fortunately for their continued health, this rarely occurs. They are known to craft small figurines of their idols and build shrines to them, as well as try to please them by finding any post that could possibly be construed as offensive by a particularly fussy censor for a preschool education video, and reporting it during their hourly prayer sessions.
They are also known for their lack of any sense of humor and ritual murders of those who mock their idols. They also happen to be the reason I registered on the site. Now you can't see my IP, freaks.
[edit] The Morons
The most numerous group of all three, not partly because it includes both of the others to some degree, these users are not merely, as was originally thought, unintelligent, but in fact possess a form of anti-intelligence, the polar opposite of thought itself. To merely see them speak causes reeling of the head and will soon lead to dementia, snippiness, and possibly even assimilation into their ranks. They are among the most powerful of the forces at the Axis's disposal.
[edit] The Moderators
There is a team of "community enhancers" whose only job is to prevent whiners from bitching on the forums and stop morons from starting intelligent conversations in the chat rooms. These people usually come from Canada and often have short tempers. A conversation with a "Mod" (Mod is short for Model Whiner Eater and is used to make the "community enhancers" feel better about themselves) would go something like this:
mod: 'Shush!'
whiner: 'no!'
mod: 'SHUT THE @#%& UP OR YOURE B&!'
whiner: 'no! No! NO!!11one!!1'
mod: *ban*
As you can see, the mod makes the right decision and, instead of wasting time, gets right to the point and destroys the problem (which is the obvious solution to EVERY problem).
It is rumored that the mods have discussed banning all forum users. This is a very good idea as it would solve the problem of disruptive (all) users on the forums.
[edit] Bug Reporting
I have retrieved what is commonly believed to be the official forum instructions for bug reporting; they read as follows:
Did you find a bug? Remember this very important information! Introduction: No matter what you or anyone else may think, you are the only person to have this bug. Or to have had it, or who ever will have it. No one else EVER knows about this bug so there is no sense checking for a post already about it. Part One - Information You Need In Your Post Now that we've established that you need to make a thread for this bug report, let's talk about what information to include. Some irreputable sources say that you should include information such as your web browser and version of flash. They are lying, so be sure not to listen to them! What you need to do is make a post wherein it includes absolutely NO information about the bug. If you are one of the few people puzzled by these instructions, do not be concerned! The vast majority of users know that Captain Rhubarb and Artix are omnipotent so typing this stuff out would just be a waste of their time, and yours. Part Two - Formatting Your Post It is crucial that you use the correct formatting for your post! This is to make sure that the staff knows that your bug is the only legitimate one there and is therefore the only one worthy of their attention. For starters, choose the largest size for your text, bold it, and underline it. Making it red can never hurt either. Make sure that you have caps-lock on when you type, your post MUST be in all capitals for it to be noticed! Now that we're past the actual text, we can discuss other important parts of your post. Be SURE that you include plenty of those angry red smilies; the bare minimum for them is one at the end of each sentence. It's probably a good idea to scatter them throughout the sentence, though. And once your post is complete, add plenty of exclamation points and 1s to the end of it. I recommend something like !!!11!111!!11!!!1!11!1!!!1 Part Three - Getting A Response Even though you recognize the AQ staff as your god, you have to realize that they do in fact forget to fix the bug that you mentioned in your post. The solution to this is very simple! Every 5 minutes, post a new response to in the thread with something along the lines of "didd u ficks mi buug yett?". Be sure that there are no capitals or correctly spelled words in these posts, that would only make it harder for a Bugs forum moderator to read. Alright, that is all the information you need to report a bug! Now go get started!
It is suspected that this is to allow dealing with bug reports to be used as a punishment for moderators displaying any sense of compassion or sanity.
[edit] IRC Channels
AdventureQuest has several IRC channels hosted on the Caelestia network. #batttleon is the channel for delusional people who think that the game exists, while an asylum for those too far gone is located in #Yulgarsinn. Whereas the mysterious #aq-gaming is reserved for those fanboi's who, deluded into thinking AdventureQuest is a roleplaying game, need to be imprisoned for the general welfare.
Consensus is that all of these locations are just a place for angst-ridden fanboi's to air their dirty laundry while waiting for the rare and holy experience of a visit by one Artix von Krieger who, being a proper God, rarely deigns to grant any real time for his subjects.
"This consensus is suspect", Remarks one Staff Member "As sed person rarely deigns to visit his Staff either"
It is theorized that this limit to communications is due to Mr. Krieger constantly having to relocate, as he is actually a former member of the Japanese yakuza, on the run for giving valuable yakuza secrets to the Nazis and plotting to take over with his genetically altered rabid wolf, whom he has named Daimyo.
While he has been gone, the mysterious otherworldly assassins Falerin and Serian lorded over the Caelestia.net chat rooms, suppressing the innocent masses and forcing innocents who stray onto the server into slavery as "Operators". Recently it has been revealed that this action was a prelude to a war by Caelestia.net against ArtixEntertainment (see The Great War below).
[edit] The Truthseekers
A group of filthy extremists recruited by the God of Evil to conquer Artix Entertainment with his deep and complex plots, the Truthseekers can absorb innocents into their masses even more effectively than Swedish Al-Qaeda. They wish to depose Artix as the company's supreme Nazi. The group is composed of loyalists who either talk about their lives and/or websites or roleplay valiantly, braving the tasks such as describing their character's hair and eye color in the utmost detail and creating new and incredible elements such as "smokefall" until Failerin arrives for planning. They are currently attempting to rewrite LORE's history and make Artix a fish, so they can offer him as a sacrifice to Sarah the Nerfkitten.
You have three classes to choose from upon joining; Geek, Moderator, Flaming Moron. The geeks tend to spend several hours discussing the meaning of simple, one syllabic words in even more detail than Bill Clinton. The Moderator spends hours role-playing with themselves, while the Flaming Morons pretend that they are all powerful and edit reality to meet their will, such as through slaughtering others in one-sided fights, and pretending they can manipulate time.
[edit] Recent Changes in Social Behavior
Over the past several weeks, interesting emergent behavior has been observed; seekers inexplicably abandon their duties of the utmost importance, saving the world and telling us what their hair looks like, in order to fight each other for no good reason. These fits of rage often pit friends against each other though the participants, despite sustaining grievous injuries, never quite manage to die.
[edit] The Great War
On August 12th 2006 Caelestia.net declared war on ArtixEntertainment joining the allies against the evil Nazi Artix von Krieger and his servitors the Dominatrix Tomo and the unstable sociopath Westwind. Falerin III was said to personally have fired the opening Salvo's on ArtixEntertainment himself.
While at first considered to be another lame war event, and a possible sequel to the Carnax Saga, it is now widely regarded as a possible attempt to take over the fanboi population.
A idea given credence by Falerin III himself.
“We have been the bitch of Von Krieger for far, far too long. Our resources handle the fanboi population not his... So let see how he handles a little civil war”
~ Falerin III on War on Artix Entertainment
The war confirms widely held rumors that Falerin II who has been represented as an NPC in the game recently is also Von Krieger's love slave.
Shortly after the war began, von Krieger pulled out his trump card, his enslavement of Shockwave.com. With the forces of Shockwave.com at his disposal and their plethora of mind numbing games available to patrons of Caelestia.net the situation looks dire indeed.
