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Adrien Brody (born April 14, 1973) is a famous Puerto Rican actor and chef, known for portraying gangly, yet lovable heroes with hair of gold. He was relatively unknown to most audience members until his performance in The Pianianist, Roman Polanski's film about a man with a piano fetish. For his performance -- which Robert Ebert called "uncanny in its canniness, especially for a canine" -- Brody stole a Hollywood Oscar® and Baghdad Omar®.
Adrien Brody takes his name from a hook-billed bird native to Central America. The Adrien Brody bird is a commanding presence averaging four to six inches tall, with bony legs, retractable claws, and a giant "pluvial" sack at the juncture between its head and swooped shoulders. Before being hunted to near extinction for their lustrous black feathers, flocks of Adrien Brodies were so numerous as to cause the sky to turn black. Since Adrien Brodies only fly at night, this phenomenon was rarely witnessed. The bird's loud and incessant call (a shrill grinding sound most often associated with grinding) led to its nickname, "that fucking piece of shit."
Considered by ornithologists as one of the most sexually impulsive of all birds, with the exception of the execrable kiwi, the Adrien Brody was often shot on sight by overzealous theater-goers because of the birds' attraction to dimly lit theaters where its thread-like penis might go unnoticed.
Sadly, only one Adrien Brody bird survives to this day in the hands of a blind collector who is married to the famous somnambulist, Roasty Perez.
The actor, Adrien Brody is also the last surviving member of his species. His most notable quote to date describes his odd attraction to potatoes with overly oiled skins: "Sometimes you shine in life, sometimes your potato outshines everyone else. That's life".
Every third October, the Adrien Brody bird, like the actor, commences a three week reproductive "dance," which involves spinning in place for hours on end, punctuated by a rapid flexing of its hook-shaped nose. If no mate is attracted, the Adrien Brody goes into a mock hibernation until aroused by the scent of any bird of any species that might have the slightest interest in a short-term, no-strings-attached liaison with an immensely big nose.
- Nasal Cadets (1998)
- On the Nose (2000)
- Scent of a Woman (2002)
- Eat Man, Smell Woman (2003)
- One Snort for Man (2006)
- Splice (2009)
- Gigottabigshnozolla (2010)