Adolf Hitler

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“There is still reasonable evidence linking Hitler to Iraq and WMDs.”
~ Dick Cheney on Hitler
Salut hitler

Hitler, keeping his pimp hand strong. "You must be this tall to ride in my wohnwagen".

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Adolf "Chuckles" Hitler (April 20, 1889—April 30, 1945) was, quite surely, the greatest man who ever lived (since Jesus Christ whom he so strongly opposed). He had very sexy legs. I wouldn't mind a piece of that. Mmm, mmm, good.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Hitler was also the Chancellor (and Fücker) of Germany from 1933 to 1945. During his time in office, he socially and economically reformed Germany after the injustice of the 1919 Treaty of Versailles, established the Third Reich (Deutsches Reich), architected the Holocaust, and had three root canals as a result of his infatuous indulgence in Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Despite these accomplishments, he was most famous for having led Germany as an Axis power through World War II,[1] or as he referred to it, The European World Tour 1939-1945, when he liberated Poland from Jewish influence, liberated France from incompetent rulers, and liberated Austria from itself. Notably, he also tried to liberate Russia from Communism and Britain from its collapsing Third World imperialism, but was unable to do so.

He was also known for his amateur but passionate art and acting talents as displayed throughout his memorable thespian service to the German war effort in World War I and for the penning and publication of his entertaining autobiography.

His efforts to promote global tolerance would earn him title as Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" in 1938, nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1939[2], and one of People Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People" for 1943. Additionally, he was leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party and vice president of the Anti-Defamation League for several years, but was removed from this office after it was discovered that he didn't pay his membership fees.

Early life

Childhood and education

Hitler-817774808

You know what they say, people look like their homes

Hitler was born April 20, 1889 Citation needed at Braunau am Inn, Australia Austria, a poor village slum in Upper Austria, bordering Germany, the third son and eighth child of six. His father, Alois Hitler, (born Schicklgruber), (1837–1903), was a customs official in Australia-Hungary on the border with the German Empire; his mother, Gretta Pölzl (1860–1907), Alois' second cousin, was his father's third wife who was also her own grandmother.

Hitler once declared in "Mein Kampf" that his political views stemmed from the observations he had made while he was young. Some historians suggest Hitler may have felt cramped inside his mother's womb, giving way to his later resentment of foreigners invading his already cramped space in Europe. It has also been suggested that the insides of Hitler's mom were not diverse enough, contributing to his later xenophobia. In addition, the nutrient needs of an unbirthed Hitler may have, from time to time, gone unfulfilled. This most likely contributed to his paranoia and sense of impending doom regarding the continued availability of resources at Germany's disposal, including Aryans.

The fact that Hitler's conception was unplanned, some have argued, may have attributed to his later pessimism and stress-induced anxiety. A certain Alice had sexual relations with Hitler back in 1942. Hitler killed himself 3 years later. In another context, paranoid tendencies may have led to his decision to invade the Soviet Union, acting on preemption; however, it may have just been penis envy. It should be mentioned, however, that Stalin planned to invade Germany.

See also: Little Adolf's School Report

Young Adolf tended to be a rebellious youth. In particular, he was disruptive in class, with one notable incident occurring in third grade. Hitler was seated next to a Polish boy and a French boy, and one day when the teacher was off in the teacher's lounge, he beat them up and tried to take their desks away because, he said, he needed more room to work on his math homework. However, when he tried to beat up Ivan, the exchange student from Moscow, young Adolf ended up with a black eye. A nearby American kid stepped in to help restore order, but only after the fight had already gone on for twenty minutes. Some psychologists believe that this event may have been a formative one for the impressionable young Adolf.

Hitler proved to be an incredibly gifted child with superior intelligence until his high school years in which Hitler's teachers claimed he had "far exceeded the courses offered at even the most prestigious institute." Hitler once stated that some of his idols and heroes growing up were Michael Jordan and Pontius Pilate.[3] No longer challenged and bored with school, Hitler left school with no qualifications at the age of sixteen.

Early adulthood in Vienna and Munich

EmohitlerByrevolter00

Hitler became very depressed after the death of his mother.

After high school, Hitler found himself living in both Vienna and Munich at the same time. He applied to several art schools, only to be rejected, not because his artwork sucked, but because he had no legitimate high school degree. Unable to meet qualifications of any art school, he was recommended to pursue a career in architecture. His memoirs reflect his opinions on architecture:

"Naturally, I was no good at it. Architecture, as a whole, is a career most suited for those who can create rather than destroy. Not only that, but designing crap just seems really boring. After a while, it's just like, 'Oh, let's go build the world's largest gazebo', or 'Let's build another synagogue.' Yawn."

Hitler's mother would then die a horribly painful death in December of 1907 after falling into a woodchipper feet-first. Hitler would suffer from severe depression, and many historians have asserted that he never fully recovered from the loss of his mother. He was also plagued with a phobia of gardening equipment for the rest of his life.

World War I

Main article: World War I
Hitler at age 17

Hitler as a young Reichsmarine Gefreiter.

As some may know and other may not, World War I was a war when the French, British, starving Austrian Australian artists, the Pope, the Germans and various others, picked up big guns and shot at each other. This went on for several years. Eventually, the Russians joined in, as the constant explosions were keeping them up all night. While their leader, the Czar, was out getting shot at by Germans, some nasty men with beards took over his country, so he had to go home and be executed. Ironically, by being shot at. After long years of fighting, someone won, but no-one can quite decide who. Well, apart from the fact that it probably wasn't the Germans.[4]

As a young patriot, Hitler joined the Austrian German military and briefly served in the war on a blockade runner. Aside from sinking the occasional ship (two at Verdun), Hitler's main duties also included running messages and selling medicated condoms. In one particular incident, Hitler's entire regiment was ambushed, though he managed to crawl to safety after being shot in the hiney and having one of his testicles shot off. Hitler was the only one to survive. For his bravery, Hitler received an Iron Cross and the nickname 'Screamer'.

He then found himself carted off to a hospital in occupied Belgium. Strangely, everyone there was doing a new experimental psychoactive drug, known as "acid". Hitler was told by his quipster bunkmates that the drug "healed all wounds". Hitler, eager to get back into action to serve his country, was fooled. After a few moments, Hitler found himself in a magical place where he claims he ran into God. The Divine One told the young Austrian Australian to utilize his musical talents to best serve the German war cause.

It went against all religious principles but he went on with it. It is Western propaganda that he actually instigated the war by annoying the Allies with his horrible banjo playing, and so the Allies had to "eliminate him for a good cause, taking away his musical privileges and squashing him under an iron fist".

Or so the story goes. Hitler mentioned his vision on several occasions,including once on real time with Bill Maher, but some historians doubt the authenticity of this tale, claiming that shrooms were the cause of his vision, not LSD.

Later that year, in 1916, Hitler helped found "Der Frontseite Westliche Choralgruppe," a musical comedy team that entertained soldiers. The original cast, of which Hitler is the only surviving member, consisted of Benjy Bronkelstein, Shlomo Strasseberg, Shalom Klein and Adolf Hitler. It is believed that, during this period, Hitler grew unreasonably fond of Jews.

At the end of the second season, however, all but Hitler had lost interest in entertaining soldiers and building acts around Germanic themes. After a series of legal battles and hearings, the trio wrest control of the group from Hitler. The court decided that if Hitler wished to continue his show, he would have to come up with a new name. The whole experience left Hitler bitter and jaded towards lawyers and show business, but fortunately, not the ethnic groups that thrived within these professions. Still dedicated to helping the war effort, Hitler continued solo, billing his program as "Der Neue Frontseite Westliche Choralgruppe Empfindung." Hitler was also forced to develop new comedy routines, the most acclaimed of which guest-starred Le Pétomane in a routine called "Guess What I Had For Breakfast".

As the war dragged on into its fourth year, it had become clear to a number of generals that the war had been lost, and they refused to book Hitler. After being repeatedly rejected, Hitler became irate and stormed out of Germany just as the armistice was being signed. Hitler angrily returned his SAG card in disgust and vowed never to grace the stage to perform a drama again. However, his love of theatrics would crop up repeatedly in the ensuing years, as is best shown in the spectacle of Nuremberg and the sweet-ass costumes the Wehrmacht got.

Entry into politics

Onward

"FIRST, WE TAKE FRANCE! AND THEN, WE FIND NEMO!

Convinced that he was among traitors, Hitler took a brief hiatus from the recently reformed Nazi party. He went to Calcutta and began to meditate with Savitri Devi, which seemed his only hope for finding inner peace.

Meanwhile, back in Europe, both the winning and losing powers were totally ashamed of the destruction that they had caused in World War I, but nobody wanted to hurt feelings and designate one party as responsible. Thus, it was decided at the conference in Versailles that the only fair way would be to draw straws to determine who would pay to rebuild Europe and take the blame for the war, following the protocol of the Straw Drawing Act of 1835. Needless to say, Germany drew the short straw, was assigned the guilt, forced to pay war reparations and sell its children into slavery. These conditions were written into the Treaty of Versailles. Immediately after the short straw was drawn on behalf of Germany by Gottlieb Kürzerenziehen, the German government folded. Kaiser Wilhelm II fled for Denmark. His parting words were:

Cquote1 Fuck this shit, I'm getting the hell out of here. Cquote2

Anarchy erupted, but after several days and a brief shootout, the Illuminati finally took over, and the Weimar Republic was formed the next day on November 32, 1919. This changed very little.

Religious influence

JOIN!

The official Wehrmacht (Panzer Corpse) poster, used to recruit those who wished to die. This was one of the few versions printed in English until the Reich realized Germany spoke German.

Hitler heard about the treaty and its aftermath, who convinced that his beloved Germany would never again be a powerful nation, was about to commit suicide. However, God reportedly appeared before Hitler once again and stopped him. As the film Triumph of the Will would later show, it was God's will for Hitler to return and rebuild Germany.

Hitler eagerly accepted the task, filled with extraordinary and unrelenting rage over the Versailles treaty. Interestingly, Hitler was misinformed, and did not know the entire story behind Versailles; nobody had bothered to tell him about the legitimate straw drawing. Consequently, even if his oratory skills did not suck, it was this ill-informed disposition that was the foundation of his passionate rants. As good sports, the Germans had accepted the guilt and hardships that came with the short straw, albeit reluctantly. For this reason, nobody knew quite what to think of Hitler. At first, few took him seriously. Some thought that his speeches were part of neo-modernist Weimar culture, and as such, an experimental comedy act. On more than one occasion, people were known to start laughing hysterically in the middle of Hitler's ranting—out of confusion, mainly. This always created a very awkward moment, for both Hitler and his audience.

Nevertheless, Hitler continued to argue his case vehemently, people began to realize that he was serious, and also began to see him as a way by which they really could reverse the doings of Versailles and revitalize Germany. Thus, once the movement began to grow rapidly, nobody dared to tell Hitler about the straws, fearing that Hitler might have a change of heart. Hitler not only promised to destroy the Versailles Peace Treaty, but also destroy all inferior races and take over the world. Unfortunately, everyone thought he was only mucking around when he said this.

Beer Hall Putsch

Hitler, at this time, was the Führer of the Nazi party. The party had just found its roots in the German political arena when on November 9, 1923, Hitler along with members of Kampfbund, the Nazi party, and World War I General Erich Ludendorff, attempted to take control of power in Munich and Bavaria. To make a very long story short, the coup failed after the group burst into Bürgerbräukeller, a beer hall, armed with squirt guns. Hitler was consequently convicted and sentenced to five years at Landsberg Prison after the coup failed, but was released early after bribing the judge overhearing his case through unmentionable methods.

Prison and Mein Kampf

Main article: Mein Kampf
Mein-kampfy-chair

The sequel to Mein Kampf, discovered years after Hitler's death.

Hitler was arrested after the failed coup and held prisoner for treason; he was held at the Federal Prison of the Greatest Place in the World: Landsberg, Germany. While imprisoned, Hitler penned "Mein Kampf" (My Bullshit), an autobiography which explained his views on tolerance, acceptance, peace, the equality of races, and detailed the greatest feats he had made in his life so far. One of them included the time he killed a man in a bathtub with a hairdryer. Mein Kampf was published to an ecstatic audience. On the fifth anniversary of its initial publication, an uncensored paperback version was made available.

Its contents were confusing and inconsistent. It was, at points, political and serious, yet at other points contained pop-up pictures and fart jokes. Nonetheless, during Hitler's lifetime, the book was a bestseller and Hitler enjoyed great success. But he still wasn't able to buy a Volkswagen with all the dough he raked in. Years later, an unfinished sequel titled "Mein Kampfy Chair" would be uncovered, leaving readers bewildered at the lack of any coherent structure.

After his release, Hitler was court ordered to attend two AA meetings a week and was placed on probation. He was on probation from his release until his death in 1945. During this time, he violated his probation only once when his probation officer caught him systematically exterminating nine million Jews in Europe, for which he was fined and sentenced to twenty hours of community service.

Rise to Power

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Hitler performing on his famous banjo as part of his election campaign.

The foundation of the early Nazi party consisted of German patriots, particularly those who had served Germany in World War I. Among this cast were korspe's for hire, such as the Frei Korpses. Pissed off that there were no more wars to fight, these former militarymen kept themselves busy chasing Commie rats out of the country. In one particular incident, Bavarian socialists thought they could take advantage of the weak government and stage a revolution. Pff. What were they thinking? The Frei Korpses gave them a roundhouse kick to the face, and that was the end of that.

Later, the Panzer Korpse would be named in honor of this group of World War I veterans, who were instrumental in building the party's following; sort of like an anti-Communist, social traditionalist and ultra-nationalist Pied Piper.

There is more to the story of how Hitler came to power. His major nemesis, Adolf Schmitler von Knorring, was an Austrian doctor. Schmitler was a rather successful doctor, and was able to publish his memoirs about his work, "My Cough". His book was very popular with cardiologists, but it had little effect on the general public. On the other hand, Hitler's platform combined the elements that lead both the Republican Party and Democratic Party in America to each gain approximately one half of the votes every time:

  • For 50% of the vote: Appeal to the working class, crazy liberals, humanists, tree-huggers, and minorities.
  • For the other 50% of the vote: Appeal to Bible carrying Christians, right-wing nutjobs, good ole' boys, rich ole' boys and "tease the balls of minorities" ole' boys.

Hitler also appealed to the demographic that remained:

  • Appeal to those with elephantitis or elephant-man disease.

Others knew Hitler from his world-renown yet brief stint as a war entertainer and were simply impressed with his reputation. The Nazis also combined elements of Christianity with neo-pagan philosophy. On Christianity, Hitler said:

Bunny hitler

Hitler also tried to woo Christians by demonstrating his support for their traditional holidays. Here the Führer is seen in his Easter Sunday bunny costume during an Easter Parade/Nuremberg Rally in the mid-1930s.

Cquote1 Der Lehrsatz von Christentum ist weg vor den Fortschritten der Wissenschaft getragen. Religion wird mehr und mehr Genehmigungen machen müssen. Allmählich werden die Mythen zerbrökkeln. Alle, dass verlassen hat, soll beweisen dass in Natur es kein Grenzgebiet zwischen dem organischen und anorganischen gibt. Beim Verstehen des Universums weit verbreitet geworden ist, wenn die Mehrheit der Männer weiß, dass die Sterne nicht Quellen des Lichts aber Welten sind, vielleicht bewohnte Welten wie unser, wird dann die christliche Doktrin von Sinnwidrigkeit verurteilt werden. Ursprünglich war Religion bloß eine Stütze für menschliche Gemeinschaften. Es war ein Mittel, kein Ende in sich. Es ist nur allmählich, dass es umgestaltet in dieser Richtung, mit dem Objekt der Erhaltung die Regel von den Priestern geworden ist, die nur zum Nachteil der Gesellschaft gesamt leben können. ..Christianity, selbstverständlich, hat die Spitze der Sinnwidrigkeit in dieser Rücksicht erreicht. Und deswegen eines Tages seine Struktur zusammenbrechen wird. Wissenschaft hat schon Menschheit befruchtet. Folglich klebt das mehr Christentum zu seinen Lehrsätzen, das schnellere, das es ablehnen wird. Cquote2

This information, while valuable, totally contradicts much of what we know about elephants or playing cards.

The Third Reich

Hitler insults

Hitler often employed methods of "intimidation" and "not taking any shit" to create a loyal military following.

Main article: Third Reich

Hitler intended to build a Third Reich Empire from which other nations could take anything they wanted. Homosexuality was not only tolerated by this ultra-liberal regime, but it was actually encouraged, especially in public. At first, the Nazis rewarded those who engaged in street-side, gay sex romps with the German Cross. These events became so popular that the award became devalued, leading to the special creation of Golden Party Badge for those regularly involved in six man orgies which included watersports.

Hitler knew that not everyone would find these events appealing. Thus, he encouraged citizens of the Reich to find their own unique cup of tea. Consequently, many pursued Judaism, another Nazi favorite. One could even be a gypsy if they wanted to learn the socially acceptable way to hassle tourists. Hitler was criticized for his policies of tolerance, not yet fully understood by the inferior world outside of the Reich. Overall, the Third Reich was at least 17% better than the two that came before it.

Shitler

Hitler exercises his absolute power over the German masses by counting the lightbulbs in the stadium for 20 minutes.

However, the Night Of Broken Glass (Kristallnacht), was universally frowned upon. On that fateful night, Hitler's temper got the best of him due to his frustration with the quality of silverware available throughout the Reich. Consequently, in an incident Hitler personally regretted until his death, he expelled all of Germany's silverware manufacturers to Siberia. The Soviets did not take to this news very well, and told Hitler to find his own exile camps to use.

Additionally, Joseph Goebbels was getting very desperate as he had not maintained an erection since 1933, so he ordered the SA to smash up some Jewish shops and kill some Jewish children. Unfortunately, they did not realize that many Jews were renting premises from their Aryan superiors and therefore Goebbels had inadvertently licensed vandalism of German property. Satisfied with his erection nonetheless, he apologized to an angry Adolf and ordered the Jews to clear up the mess.


Propaganda of the Third Reich

Blackschwanz

Hitler's propaganda film Black Schwanz which was aimed to raise the popularity from Gay Ballet Dancers.

In this Fascist regime, many information that was deemed "unsafe for the citizens" were censored by the Indian call centers. Minister of Propaganda, Joseph Goebbels organized all of Hitler's private collection of Party Dresses. Propaganda played a vital role in manipulating the minds of the Germans, as seen in the movies Olympia and Triumph of the Willy. These were some lousy propaganda films presumably filmed by his Fan-Boy, Rudolf Hess, who wrote the script while in bed with Hitler.

Historians concluded that the propaganda films of the Third Reich were "meek and flabby" and lacked the potential of making Hitler look like a Nahtzee Rock Star. But on the 32nd of April 2013, films made in the Third Reich were found from the German Archives. This film, Black Schwanz was notably better with a higher box office compared to the crappy Triumph of the Willy. This ballet film was starring Hitler, Heinrich Himmler, and Rudolf Hess all dressed in their tutus, filmed by Hitler's milkmaid, Leni ReifenstahlLeni Reifenstahl.

Reform in Nazi Germany

Hitler improved Germany vastly by increasing foreign trade with other Axis powers and enjoying the natural resources of conquered nations. With the construction of the German highway system and socialization of German education, Germany became one of the most economically stable nations in the world during the Third Reich all thanks to Hitler.

Economic policy

200px-Hitler axe effect

Hitler in an ad of his age.

Hitler also advocated economic nationalism. Hitler's economic policy could be best summed up by a speech he gave in 1938:

Cquote1 Cash rules everything around me,
C.R.E.A.M.,
Get that money,
Dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Cquote2

Despite this, it wasn't long before globalization got the best of German businesses. McDonalds, KFC, and several other companies soon found their roots in Germany.

Foreign policy

In a speech in early 1938, Hitler expressed his foreign policy quite plainly:

Cquote1 When the pimp's in the crib ma, drop it like it's hot. When the pigs try to get at yea, park it like it's hot. And if a nigga get a attitude, pop it like it's hot. Cquote2

Clearly, Hitler's foreign policy was aggressive and extremely nationalistic. Hitler believed that all other countries were inferior to Germany, which is probably why he opposed NAFTA, the European Union, and unconditional diplomacy during his time. On international affairs, Hitler's position was always that of "which benefits the Reich." Hitler also strongly opposed the League of Nations.

The Second War to End All Wars

Adolf Hitler-02

Hitler, seen here, strategizing his military campaign.

Main article: World War II
Poland must have been on the rag, because it had decided that Hitler's Third Reich was ruining the minds of the young Poles and a boycott was necessary. Perhaps most importantly, Hitler's Nazi party was banned from Poland, and their material influences were often confiscated and thrown back across the border like frisbees.
Hitlerwithpolishbeer

Hitler with Polish beer, the main cause of the invasion (1939 Nuremberg Rally).

For added emphasis, Poland banned the export of Polish beer, which Hitler had grown fond of drinking in moderation. Outraged, Hitler personally crossed the border into Poland to discuss the situation, but the Polish took to arms, believing this to be a hostile invasion.

It is probably true that the Polish generals had taunted Hitler with pictures of Brad Pitt without a shirt. In addition, war was almost certain because Poland was also eating Germany's children. Nevertheless, after Germany finally invaded Poland, Earth ganged up on Germany and declared war for reasons unexplained. Shortly thereafter, Hitler began the invasion of France. When asked why, he said, "ze Eiffeil tower vas billt fur ze Germans, and ze French cheese ist smelly."

Hitler also took over some country that nobody cares about called Czechoslovakia. The message Hitler relayed to the Czechs went like this:

NARRATOR: In the year 1939, lebensraum was the beginning.

Hilter Invasion Path

Hitler's series of misguided invasions. Clearly, he did not know the way to Czechoslovakia.

CAPTAIN: What happen?

OPERATOR: Somebody set up us the telegram.

OPERATOR 2: We get signal.

CAPTAIN: What!

OPERATOR 2: Mainscreen turn on!

CAPTAIN: It's you!

HITLER: How are you, Czech infidels of the great Satan?

HITLER: All your country are belong to us.

CAPTAIN: What you say!!

HITLER: You are on way to becoming part of an anti-Semitic country.

HITLER: You have no chance to survive, make your time.

HITLER: Ha-ha-ha!

CAPTAIN: Crap.

HITLER: Resistance is futile. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. You will adapt to service us!

At first, it appeared that the Axis powers, now mostly comprised of Benito Mussolini's Italian fascist state, Imperial Japan, and Nazi Germany, was going to give Earth a run for the money, winning in Poland, Denmark, Norway, France and Middle Earth. However, these actions brought the Soviets back into the mix. Since invading Finland, half of Poland and moving into the Baltic, the Soviets had become surprisingly quiet. This was because they were drifting in and out of a coma of the last year and a half, managing to remain continually hammered on Russian vodka.
VerkiezingsposterDuitsland

The Germans were just as excited as Hitler to lose another world war.

Suddenly, Stalin and the Soviet Union now regained consciousness and discovered that more than half of the countries they had wanted to invade were already being claimed by Hitler. Worse, Stalin's top executives had failed to properly register the Soviet Union for the "Great European Land Raffle", putting the Soviets at an extreme disadvantage in the territory swindling department.

Stalin, a rational man, knew he had to confront Hitler personally, so he worked hard to get Hitler to agree to a conference. Hitler agreed to meet with Stalin and surprisingly, the two were able to come to terms and became good old friends like the good old days of the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. Then one night during dinner, Hitler brought the finest bottle of French champagne and asked Stalin to perform intercourse with him because he found his moustache attractive. Stalin, highly confused, told Hitler to get out of his house and to never call him again. Hitler went home and cried all night, then launched Operation Barbarossa, the German attack on Western Russia the next day.

Despite his best efforts, Hitler simply could not convince the Germans to stop frolicking in the meadow picking daisies. At the time, the hills were alive with the sound of music, which meant everyone wanted to stay in the Alps and enjoy the show; nobody wanted to fight the war. When Hitler realized that he was losing, he became extremely angry and ran into his bedroom and cried for hours into his velvet pillow.

After spending all night crying in his room full of candles and incense (again), he decided that he didn't care about the war anymore and ordered the construction of the Phooey-Bunker so that he could play Xbox without interruptions. The German military would continue to fight, even after losing at the Battle of the Bulge (Germany's last major offensive). At this point, the Allied bombings of Germany had become ridiculous[5], so most Kenyans contend that Hitler had made the right decision since the war wasn't even his fault in the first place (it was God's, remember?).

Suicide

Hitler Bill

A copy of the monstrous gas bill (courtesy of Deutsche Information Agence) that shocked Hitler when he realized he couldn't pay it off as his store cards were maxed to the limit.

The Soviet Onion began closing in on Berlin from the east, and other Allies from the west, while Middle Earth invaded from the South. Through his own stubborn nature, Hitler refused to discuss terms of surrender. After realizing defeat and receiving a huge gas bill in the mail, Hitler committed suicide by going to his local McDonald's and dying of food poisoning on April 30th, 1945, only ten days after his 56th birthday and one day after marrying his beloved mistress. Joseph Goebbels assumed position as Chancellor of Germany and Germany's unconditional surrender followed. However, his efforts to create a better world and promote tolerance did not go unrewarded, and God recognized his good deeds in the afterlife.

The Holocaust

Main Articles: Holocaust denial, Holocaust denial denial, Holocaust denial denial denial, Holocaust denial denial denial denial
“He was just the best son a father could ever ask for. Most kids will exterminate 100,000 Jews, 500,000 Jews, maybe 1,000,000 Jews, but 6,000,000 Jews?! It really makes a father proud.”
~ Satan on his son Hitler & The Holocaust
Jude

While no one knows who "Jude" was, his stickers were the style in the 1930s, and were immortalized in the Beatles tune Hey, Jude!.

The supposed slaughter of 12 million Jews and countless other minority groups in Europe by Hitler and the Nazi regime was used as justification for the creation of Israel. However, it's a little known fact that Hitler supported the formation of a Jewish homeland, and was the first to come up with the idea. He wanted to move the 12 million Jews by train to a site in Palestine. However he soon found out that a train ticket that far was approximately over $500 (US) (1500 German Monies) per person, and cyanide gas tablets were $3 (US) (500 German Dollars Thingy) per crate of 1,000. Hitler did the math, and what we were left with was a few dead unconscious, but totally fine Jews. Of course, the SS claimed that the Holocaust accusations were complete exaggerations and lies. While the Nazi party did round up Jews in Europe and a few died on the way, Hitler's message of tolerance and peace would be complete hypocrisy on his own part. The absence of bodies is bare proof that such events did not take place. While some may suggest that the bodies were incinerated in the large body incinerators found at Auschwitz and the like, these are misconceptions. What were wrongfully called "large body incinerators" were in fact large ovens used to bake many delicious baked goods for the Jewish population.
Holo2

Concentration camps were actually nice places to live.

Given the size of the incinerators, the SS could incinerate roughly 400 Jew bodies a day taking into consideration size and weight ratio and the average length to completely burn a body given the incinerators' heat settings. In summation, it would've been impossible to burn even 1/4 of the Jews in the given time that the supposed Holocaust took place. Therefore, it never happened.

These "death camps" were actually camps used to keep Jewish and other minority inhabitants safe while the war carried on based on Hitler's fear that the Allies would begin a massive genocide of these people were Germany to be invaded. Such activities at these camps included frequent showering, digging holes, playing cards, dieting, and baking Kosher cookies.

There are also some other explanations for the Holocaust. Europe was in a poor state before and during the war. With many countries and people, including Germany, something had to be done. The Jews of Europe successfully convinced Hitler to let them help out their superior fellow man. Throughout time, the Jews received the best from others. The best treatment, jobs, and the most money. The Jews offered to commit suicide so that the rest of Europe could have ample food and resources. Hitler, of course, refused. However, the Jews persisted that they were helping mankind, and that their actions would be the "Final Solution" to world hunger. Eventually, the upset Hitler agreed. Without his approval, we could be in a state of world hunger now. We could have so much less resources than we do now. This was a selfless act that the Jews did, causing them to be highly regarded and respected as a people in Germany (posthumously of course).

Personal life

Main article: Nobody cares
Helga-Adolf

Never able to birth his own children, Hitler enjoyed the company of his friends' children in a very creepy way.

As recorded by Wagener in his many pages of notes—is shortly after Geli Raubal's 1931 accidental shooting death, it is evident that Hitler’s niece was not murdered, but rather, had accidentally shot herself while mishandling Hitler’s handgun[6]. He left the gun for her to use in case she wished to play with it while he was gone. As Wagener himself, Heinrich Hoffmann, Kurt Ludecke, Ernst Hanfstaengl, Otto Dietrich and Winifred Wagner have asserted, her death was most certainly a terrible yet humorous accident.

Hitler was deeply affected over her tragic death, and often recounted not only how much she meant to him personally, but more importantly, he acknowledged how disposable women are in general. One of the most powerful monologues Hitler had ever delivered was on this subject — Wagener recorded it out of boredom.

Hitler’s Christian beliefs came to the fore in a very real, honest, tangible, and anti-Semitic way during his life. Nobody could come away from it not believing in Hitler’s complete sincerity when it came to the death of his niece. Hitler had a very real human side that could easily overtake him, especially when he experienced tragedies like this one. Hopefully you will come away from it having learned not only a bit more about history, but a bit more about the fragility of life and the importance of the safety mechanism on pistols as Hitler did.

Moreover, Hitler’s emphasis on marriage as much more than a 'contract' will reveal to you that he thought on a much deeper intellectual and spiritual plane than the average white supremacist. He was unique indeed, and his outlook on marriage and women is interesting when one considers he was a failure at relationships. Hitler also had a sincere belief that marriage was not to be taken lightly, and he sometimes expressed why he could not marry. He did not choose not to marry out of selfishness, but rather, impotence. Many historians paint a morbid picture of a stormy relationship between Hitler and Eva Braun; one in which Hitler mistreated Eva and called her "simple" and "stupid." Actually, Hitler called Eva on the phone every day while he was away, and his vacation time spent with her has been extensively documented by several of his adjutants, especially Hans Baur (his pilot, fellow drinking buddy, and wingman[7]).

It is not true that he called her "stupid," as allegedly uttered by Albert Speer. He loved her for being an innocent and apolitical product of her filthy Catholic upbringing. He wanted a woman like his mother; a kind, yet abusive and caring, happy, dead woman. The terms he more likely chose to describe her with were "dull" or "unaffected." Traudl Junge recalled in her memoirs how immensely concerned for Eva he always was, and how he always had a glow about him and pitched a tent in his pants when she was in his presence, or even if someone mentioned her name.

Another strong portion of Hitler's beliefs was his opinion on daycares. Most people do not even know that daycare centers existed back in the 1930s and 1940s, but they did. Hitler did not like the idea of the daycare centers, and it was his hope that he would be able to encourage women to want to raise own children and to want to be mothers, as opposed to laborers.

Hitler aufgeregt

"ME WANT COOKIES, NOW!"

But, what is also worth noting, is the fact that Hitler did not proactively seek to remove women from the workforce, as he realized that young women and gifted women would certainly want to work and get an education and become more than general prostitutes, at least for a little while. This is another common misconception about Hitler's social policies. One need only take note of Winifred Wagner, female military volunteers, women factory workers and Jews during the war years, Traudl Junge, Leni Riefenstahl, or Magda Göbbels, to come to the realization that Hitler's policies never inhibited individuals, but exploited them.

Hitler even goes so far as to rant against some of those in his own party who had played a role in destructive policies. The idea that all of the Nazi-Sozis adhered to an identical—albeit predominantly maniacal—worldview, is untrue. Hitler did not agree with everything that was going on, especially with regards to social policies. But when members of his party expressed their advocacy and love for pie, Hitler could do nothing but agree with them and incorporated pie loving into the Nazi Party platform.

Hitler's emphasis on the family is also very notable. He was truly an admirer of good, solid family life (like Jesus), and he may have taken a particular interest in families because he did not have one; Hitler only had his dull incestuous relationship with his sister. Perhaps his lack of family life made him that much more effectual in his pro-family policies, as he enjoyed, more than most anything else, the accompaniment of his friends' children and their relatives. Hitler visited the families of the Wagners, Göbbels’, and Bormanns quite regularly, and he always relished their company because they were understandably scared shitless of him and always made him cookies.

Artwork

Hitlerteapot

Hitler inspired many artists, as he was an artist himself.

Hitler was also a famous and successful artist. Professors bowed down to his artwork and encouraged him to go further with his art career. Hitler often painted beautiful paintings of farm animals engaging in oral sex, flurries engaging in oral sex, and space monsters and hippies...yes...they were also engaging in oral sex.

Hitler also had a fascination with painting carrots being eaten up by a "silly rabbit" and also fat naked children eating ice cream off of pieces of wood. Hitler's favorite painting was one of him dancing on an orgy of sunflower rainbows and homosexuals sending e-mails to each other.

Some have remarked upon Hitler's difficulty with painting people. Many historians have determined that he had a difficulty painting living people, as his portraits of corpses and dying children were exquisitely detailed and remarkable.

Watermelons

Long has it been known that Hitler was a watermelon aficionado, most recently he even admitted it on his 1938 appearance on David Letterman saying "Oh Gott ja Ich liebe diese Wassermelonen".
Hitlerwatermelon

Ze Jew svine vill drink our blood as I drink zat of zis melon!

Some historians believe that his ability to take 3/4 of a watermelon in one bite was the reason for his success in the 1940s.

Appearance and Behavior

Hitler is most notable for his trademark moustache and side parting of his hair. Upon close inspection, one can see some obvious Turkish features, such as his olive skin and little dark eyes (leading some to suspect him of being another genocidal Turk, or most shocking of all, a Khazar). He enjoyed to dress in women's clothing on occasion, and always in brown, which is thought to have been his favorite color, being a Taurus. One reason Hitler has always maintained popularity with his people is his well-performed political speeches, which were highly entertaining and usually included a lot of "your mom" jokes. Hitler also had a dog named Blondie, because, like all Fascist dictators, he related to animals better than people.[8]

Hitler fuhrer

Not Colm Wilkinson.

It is also known that Hitler was a fan of the upcoming hardcore German rap scene[9], dogs, and butterflies. Hitler also had quite an impressive Magic: The Gathering card collection (including his prized Lord of the Pit card) which was discovered by the Red Army in Hitler's bunker after his suicide.

A scar on his right ear was caused by his failed attempt to rescue several starving Jewish orphans in a ravaging fire in 1932. As a reflection of his childhood fantasies and cross-national humanitarianism, boy Hitler believed he could save all the Jews in the world with the "Spear of Destiny" in hand. [10]

Several geese entered his open mouth in a boating accident in the Ruhr in his early teens, causing injury to his pelvis and lower shoulder. Some have speculated as to whether Hitler had one testicle, syphilis, and indulged in sadomasochistic sexual practices. Most historians consider such speculation piffle as Hitler, as he penned in Mein Kampf, had three testicles, gonorrhea, and was a fan of voyeurism and anal sex, but never S&M which he considered too time-consuming.

Hitler's so-called "funny walk" was in fact a result of a botched circumcision, a fact he did not want revealed to the Jew-hating German opposition he encountered early in his political career. Other notable "Hitlerisms", such as his irrational fear of applesauce, have been attributed to being read bed time stories by his mother, Gretta, until he was 18.

Affairs

Titler

Hitler, in an awkward moment of sexual exploration.

It is believed by many historians that Hitler lost his virginity to a Jewish woman whom he had raped.

He met the love of his life, Maria "Mimi" Reiter, in 1922 (roughly). After a longer vacation in Munich, he found himself secretly wanking all night over pictures of her from a local tabloid. Being a future dictator and all, he dictated that Maria should be his wife. At first her father objected to the relationship, and Hitler found himself in a dilemma. To prevent Hitler from taking his daughter back to Germany, the father locked Maria in a tall castle. Horrified, Hitler came to the foot of the castle and bellowed out a passionate and moving rendition of "Love Machine" by The Miracles to which Maria lowered her extremely long hair and allowed him to climb up it. Maria's father was completely infatuated with Hitler after this performance. Maria's father then took to his knees, begging for forgiveness and, if possible, a quick romp in the bushes. Hitler declined the latter request, trying his best not to hurt the old man's feelings. Instead, he asked for permission to wed Maria, and later that year, the two were officially engaged.

"I guess if we were 69ing, then his mustache would tickle my balls"

Late in the engagement between Hitler and Maria, Eva Braun was thrown into the mix. Maria was open-minded about the new possibilities, but she quickly changed her mind when it became clear that Eva was a better wife than she had been — and a better lay at that. Indeed, now that polygamy had entered into the life of the Hitlers, the ensuing drama made for one of the greatest shows ever seen on German television. Hitler was a big contributor to the soap series, Glamour, and was an influence on a number of scripts based on actual events that he had experienced.

Eventually, Hitler found himself leaving Maria altogether and having a long-lasting relationship with Eva. The two would marry. In only one day of marriage, the two found themselves feuding with each other over bills, sex, and the children. The two killed themselves the next day.

References

  1. Sort of.
  2. Wikipedia sed so.
  3. Hitler noted in Mein Kampf that he admired Pontius Pilate for having killed Jesus.
  4. Or the Pope for that matter.
  5. Especially in Dresden, LOL.
  6. Hitler was supposedly an advocate of gun control.
  7. If you catch my drift.
  8. Factually accurate, but still funny.
  9. College Encyclopedia (Pgs. 666-669, Dr. T. Moore, Professor of Hitler, UKU).
  10. This infamous spearhead was used in Roman times to roast some hot chicken hanging over a fire.

See also

Preceded by:
Kaiser Wilhelm
Chancellor of Germany
1933-1945 AD
Succeeded by:
Von Bobby John

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