Adolf Hilter

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Throughout history there have been many Hitlers. This is not one of them. Perhaps you were looking for Hitlers?
“Mein Führer! I mean, my dickie ol' chum!”
~ Heinrich Henry Bimmler on Adolf Hitler Hilter
“I am not a racialist, but, und dis is a big but, ve in der National Bocialist party belieb das Überleben muss *incomprehensible pseudo-German gibberish*”
~ Adolf Hilter on His well-known speech

Adolf "Chuckles" Hilter (not 1889 - present) was not Adolf Hitler but in fact John Cleese which was discovered after genetic analysis of his moustache. After a period of time slapstick comedy no longer entertained Chaplin and he decided the only way he would ever laugh again was to watch millions of people suffer. This lead to him taking on the pseudonym Adolf Hitler and pick a random group of people to commit genocide against. After a game of Ip Dip Do this ended in the holocaust.

Early life

Hitler-portrait
This is not Adolf Hilter.

Adolf "Chuckles" Hilter was not born on April 20, 1889 to Alois Hilter and Klara Pölzl in the small Austrian village of Braunau am Inn. He did not have five siblings, four of which never reached adulthood and the fifth, who did, being named Paula. Hilter's father did not whip Hilter regularly, nor did his father die when Hilter was just 13. Likewise, his mother did not die a very painful death from breast cancer on December 21, 1907. But, although she did in fact die on December 21, 1907, Hilter's mother died a very painful death from penis cancer. Let me repeat: penis cancer. Indeed, it is not breast cancer, and is therefore a disease very different from breast cancer.

Hilter, though, never had the strong desire to be a painter. He was not a poor student who dropped out of high school at the age of 16 either. He was never rejected twice from the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna because he was very bad at drawing people as well as stick figures. Hilter didn't even like art. In fact, he has lifetime bans from several art museums for attempted arson.

In World War I, Hilter was not a hero who was awarded the Iron Cross twice for bravery. He did, however, volunteer for the German army, although he cried most of the time, and hid in a corner whenever someone blew a whistle. He was later kicked out for being a pussy.

Random-Reich-Fascist-Fun-Facts! HURRAY!

Remaining Family of Hilter

Although most of Hilter's family have either changed their name or went Grand Theft Genocide on people, some are still left. Amongst them are included Donald Alberts Hilter, William Crick Hilter, Jesus of West L.A. Hilter, and, of course, Barney the Nazisaur. Hitler was believed to be gay and in love with jewish actor David Star, it was from here he developed his hatred of Jews after he discovered the lack of foreskin.

Rise to Power

Myhead
This is not Adolf Hilter either. It's just Donald Alberts Hilter

In early 1920, Adolf Hilter did not join a small right-wing party that became the National Socialist German Worker's Party later on. Because of his awful skills in public speaking (he st-t-t-uttered) and also the fact he was not a member, Hilter was not chosen to be der Führer of the Nazi Party. Thus, he was not arrested and jailed in 1923 when the Nazis tried to seize power in Munich.

While he was not in jail, he spent his time not writing someone else's book, Mein Kampf, or My (not Adolf Hilter's) Struggle. This book, which Hilter in no way wrote, did not assert that blonde was the best hair color and blue eyes topped all other eye colors, nor did it assert that blonde, blue-eyed people were part of a master race of Aryans that were far superior to all other people, especially Jews. Even though he was not in jail, he soon ended up there for third degree nudey-grooving.

Hilter-portrait
This is Adolf Hilter (notice the mole of the left side of his face. No, not your left, Hilter's left. Yes, Hilter's left. Hilter's left. Hilter's. Yes... Yes... NO, NOT YOUR LEFT!!).

When released from prison in 1924, Hilter did not revive the Nazi Party because Hitler did that and Hilter didn't. The party, though, did become a big hit by 1932, and in 1933, Hilter was not appointed Chancellor of Germany by President Paul von Hindenburg. He did not succeed Hindenburg after his death in 1934 either, thereby not making him der Führer of what would soon become known as the Third Reich.

The Holocaust

Since the beginning of his rule, Adolf Hilter had often been busy not orchestrating what he called the Final Solution and others called the Holocaust. It would ruin his name forever and ever. He wasn't ordering such an event due to several factors:

  1. He was not der Führer of Germany.
  2. He probably might not have been in Germany at the time, though he probably might have been in Germany.
  3. He might not have been born yet.

Literally, he did nothing of such a sort as the Holocaust to people. In other terms, he did not order that all Jews, homosexual men, Gypsies, Jehovah's Witnesses, promiscuous women, loonies, liberals, mentally retarded people, and just plain dumbasses be sent to either concentration or extermination camps. Actually, he loved Jews, homosexual men, loonies, mentally retarded people, dumbasses, and even Jehovah's Witnesses, so he could never do something like that to them. Except fot Gypsies. But no one counts them anyway.

Well, he might have been willing to do it to the Jews if they really pissed him off by denying him entry to an art school, but they didn't, as Hilter never applied to any art schools, especially not any art schools located in Vienna, Austria. He also might have been willing to kill off Jehovah's Witnesses also, but then again, aren't we all? I mean, don't those grimy little door-to-door bastards make you want to organize the systematic placement of them into camps where they'll be either killed while taking a shower in poisonous gas or starved to death? I mean, they're so asking for it; you have to at least think once about every time they knock on your door.

Holocaust
A cabin full of happy Jews at the wonderful Auschwitz Summer Camp program. You can just see the excitement on their faces (which might or might not have been photoshopped).

Really though, if Hilter ever was in power and called for the Jews to be sent to camps, he meant for them to be sent to fun summer camps like Auschwitz or any of its five sister camps, Bełżec, Chełmno, Majdanek, Sobibór, and Treblinka.

Nuremberg Trials

Once the Third Reich was dissolved after World War II, Adolf Hilter was indicted (in absentia, as he was missing) for counts of Crimes Against Humanity, War Crimes, Crimes Against Peace, more Crimes Against Peace, and "Conquering Half of Europe Without Obtaining a Permit or Any Sort of Proper Authorization to Do so Prior". Shortly afterwards, Hilter's case was brought to trial on November 20, 1945.

Startling testimony and horrific accounts surrounded the trial, along with vivid, high-quality photographs of very, very, very skinny people. Fortunately, though, every witness implicated Adolf Hitler instead of Adolf Hilter. Thus, Hilter was found innocent. Sadly, this did not stop people from confusing him with Hitler.

1936 Olympics

Hilter did not keep his hate for Jews secret, especially not when the 1936 Olympics were hosted in Berlin, refusing to hide anti-Semitic banners and signs as the athletes competed against each other for the gold. This didn't change much, though, as Hilter didn't have any anti-Semitic banners, nor did he have anti-Semitic signs. He didn't even hate Jews for that matter. Even so, Jessie Owens still kicked his ass.

1934–1939: The Years of Evil, Treacherous, Murderous, Malevolent, Satanic Jews a Lot of Crap Happening in Europe

In the mid-1930s, tensions mounted with in the world between Hilter and… well, everyone else. He was not at all rebuilding Germany’s army, thus not violating the Treaty of Versailles. Most of the world believed he was, but, in fact, he wasn’t. Hitler was. Hilter was only the victim of a bad name and was not at all in any way, shape or form Adolf Hitler. But, the Soviet Union, thinking that Hilter was indeed Hitler, signed the Non-Aggression Pact with him instead of the person who had actually proposed it (Hitler, of course). This mistake was what enabled Hitler to attack the Soviet Union without looking like a backstabber to anyone whatsoever.

The pact itself, though, ended up being almost the same as the treaty that Great Britain and France had proposed a couple years earlier to the Soviet Union: Poland was to be divided evenly and absorbed into the agreeing countries. In return, there will be world peace, unlimited food, and free T-shirts. Poland, being the evil and possibly Jewish country it was, protested against the pact. They were ignored however, because no one cares about the Jews——I mean, because they forgot about Poland. Of course people care about the Jews. Hilter cares about the Jews; he loves the Jews.

Soon, though, the tensions began to grow worse. Hilter, excited that he was going to control half of Poland because Stalin was a dumbass, started pushing for control of the Sudetenland, a German-speaking region of Czechoslovakia (kuh-zeh-CHO-slaw-vuh-KEE-uh). Wait... that doesn’t sound right.

Excuse me whilst I look for a textbook.


Poland

The author of this article appears to have forgotten all about this section. You can too if you bang your head against a brick wall for a very, very, very, very long period of time.


The Invasions

Aha! Found the textbook!

Hilter Invasion Path
Hilter's series of misguided invasions. Clearly, he did not know the way to Checkeslovakya.

Indeed it was. Adolf Hitler pushed for control of the Sudetenland, not Adolf Hilter. Sorry about that. Now, back to Hilter, but not, I must emphasize, not in any way, shape, or form (except emphasizing that Hilter is not Hitler) back to Hitler. We only go back to Adolf Hilter. That is it.

Almost immediately, Hilter became outraged. Not only was he given credit for Hitler’s actions, he had barely lost his chance to annex a large portion of Czeckaslovawkia. Thus, on September 1, 1939, Hilter launched a surprise attack on Poland, believing it to be Checkoslavackya (give him a break, he failed geography). This, though, was not an unusual occurrence, though. As the matter of fact, it was rather common. According to the 1940 German Census, about 2 million people listed their favorite activity as invading Poland, so it was not uncommon for it to be invaded seven or even eight times a day, most often by large groups of German soldiers.

But Hilter’s suspicious one-man invasion sparked the attention of the League of Nations, as it was extremely rare for only one man to invade Poland. This organization, with all its genius developed from years and years of collaboration without having to listen to Stalin’s mad, schizophrenic ravings, quickly pounced upon the situation, immediately declaring that Poland was asking for it.

447px-Benito Mussoloni and Adolf Hilter patch peacehat
Adolf Hilter, wearing a Star of David armband, and his close ally, Benito Mussiloni.

Soon after his one-man invasion, Hilter realized that he was not in Czeckoslovokea, but Poland. Thus, he returned to Germany to replot his failed invasion. This went on for several months until April 9, 1940, when Hilter, confident he had the right directions, set out again to invade Checkaslovakia for the second time. Unfortunately, this time Hilter ended up invading Denmark, which was not even in the same general direction as the intended target. Hilter tried again on the same day, but his frustration took him further north, into Norway.

Ashamed at his failure, Hilter returned to Germany. Upon his return, though, Hilter began to plot his invasion a third time. Just one month later, on May 10, 1940, Hilter set out again to capture the Sudetenland from Czeckaslowvokya. But this time, he had a secret weapon: a map and a compass. Hilter, having never used a compass before, mistook the south needle to be the north. Thus, instead of carving his way through the Sudetenland, Hilter plowed straight through Belgium and Luxembourg into France. Hilter, though, did not realize that he was in the wrong country, so he marched further into France until he reached the English Channel.

This stumped Hilter, leaving him confused for several days until he finally realized that he must be in Greece. But, as Hilter was rather tired, he sent a telegram to his close Italian friend, Benito Mussiloni, to come and pick Hilter up. Of course, when Benito Mussiloni invaded Greece for Hilter on October 28, 1940, he was completely unable to find him. Hilter, tired of waiting for Mussiloni, returned to Germany alone, where he, embittered by his failures, disappeared completely from the face of the Earth. He has never been seen since. Until he woke up from the dead and tried to run for mayor in Minehead.



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Preceded by:
Not Paul von Hindenburg
(Not)
Chancellor of Germany

1932 - Present
Succeeded by:
N/A
Preceded by:
N/A
(Not)
Führer of the Third Reich

1933 - 1945
Succeeded by:
Not any Nazis
cy:Adolf Hitler
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