Admin Banning Tools
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Administrators use many tools to keep the Evolution alive in the internet world. The admins here on Uncyclopedia have invented several state-of-the-art weapons over the years for the use of banning users who misbehave. Often these weapons are forged by the hands of deities. At times, to vanquish their foe, admins decide to use the weapons of other admins. Here is a short list of the custom weapons used by today's admins here at Uncyclopedia.
Poisons and Mêlée Weapons
Codeine is a general use poison used extensively by admins during World War BENSON, often against leader of the IP powers, BENSON. Invented by Jerimiah Tobias Code in 1899 as a cleaner burning alternative to Cyanide, Codeine became an excellent choice in chemical warfare with many IPs. Codeine is approved by the Cruel IP Punishment Act.
When released through the air, Codeine can have several effects on the target including:
- Pain in the heart and brain
- Regurgitation of the left lung
- Extreme admiration of Phil Collins
- Diarrhea (the shits)
- Posthumous bowel movements
Near the end of his life, Elvis Presley hid his legendary microphone in the depths of the Sands hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada to keep is powers from being used for the evils he prophesied. Sir Elvis visited the Sands hotel one day. Tipsy from drinking a litre of Grey Goose, he dropped a poker chip onto the floor which began to roll on it side. After following it for a short period of time, Sir Elvis tipped over in a location close to the chip, ending up with Grey Goose all over his favorite jacket. In order to hide from the bouncers who might ask him to leave, Sir Elvis attempted to hide in a small cabinet which revealed a secret tunnel. At the end of the tunnel lied the shrine of the Microphone of Elvis. Today, Sir Elvis uses his microphone to rape the ears of new users and destroy the enemies of Uncyclopedia.
Gwax™ wikiwax is often a safe alternative to the previously used Freon to clean and polish wiki articles. However, Gwax™'s secret recipe Asbestos baked bean paste is a nice alternative to other methods of banning newbies because of its similar consistency to honey that can be used to trick newbies in select few spots. It's secret recipe is also used often in other applications such as preventing flamewars from spread. Although a major cause of Mesothelioma in the geek population, its critics have been strangely silenced in recent years.
Robert Charles Murphy created the R/C chainsaw for the general purpose of sheer mayhem. It has infamously been used liberally "for opponents to the Vaterland such as various capitalist pig dogs criticizing our dear country for its apparent lack of humour to those in it only for the money". With a maximum speed of 50 KB/s few have ever escaped the wrath of the R/C Chansaw. The R/C chainsaw, although one of the funnest ban tools to use by admins, is also one of the hardest to control considering it requires you to guide it to the loser using its short range remote control. That means it requires much movement, and thus will not ever become a popular banning tool.
Roman Lord Flammius ordered one of the most devastating banning utilities at the time. It is rumored to be made by the very hand of Mars with the steel stolen from Thor's electrically charged hammer. The flammable banhammer has been passed on from generations of administrators for a pure form of banishment that few other tools can create. Several admins have used the Flammable banhammer throughout the years:
- Flammius - Roman Empire
- Lord Flammable I - British Empire
- King Flammable VII - British Empire
- Tsar Flamechev the Merciless - Russian Empire
- Kaiser Flamehelm - German Empire
- Reichsfuher Flameler - Third Reich
- Flamel Castro - Cuba
- Flame Il-Sung - Dear Great Peoples Democratic Republic of North Korea controlled by our Great And Dear Leader
- Senator Flameboldt - United States
- Chairman Flammable - People's Republic of China(current)
Removal from service
After the unanimous approval of the Cruel IP Punishment Act, the Flammable Banhammer has been removed from service for its extreme use of humanity, burning IPs with a single blow from its fiery head of doom. Thus due to its retired service, it has been put on display in the Uncyclopedian Museum as a centerpiece in the main showroom.
Baron H. of Zombie is a rich aristocrat, and famous professor working for the German division of the Umbrella Corporation combined the chemicals Zomboxide(Ommmmm), a common chemical for the culturing of Marburg, and Baromite (a generic spread similar to Vegemite) - the Englishman's favorite San Francisco treat - to create an irresistible sandwich spread that permanently bans 9 out of 10 of every infected IP after a 30 day incubation period, and is capable of spreading to others by direct contact. 1 out of 10 are able to still return through proxies, only to fall for the same half eaten sandwich that got them earlier.
The Keitana was made in Imperial Japan by one of the finest smiths in all of Tokyo. The metal on the sword is light and without error. When it is put into contact with an IP it can slice through it like a hot knife through slightly melted butter. It was used extensively during the Keiteikura period as the main weapon of the Keiteikura shogunate. However, the original Keitana is currently sitting in the Uncyclopedian Museum. Plastic copies of the original Keitana can be purchased for a small fee from the Gift Shop on level 2.
Wraths of God
Atomic Pants were first theorized by Wehrner von Pants, who later implemented the weapon in experiments with Uncyclopedia's intern population. Atomic pants have been used only twice in the last century against the very toughest of the alternate dimensional resistance. Atomic Pants harness the power of raw Unununium to create powerful explosions, releasing deadly amounts of bannination afterwards, killing innocent bystanders indirectly with either a powerful bone crushing shockwave or Wilde Syndrome.
Robert H. Nytrospawm, a soldier in the Vietnam war, was looking for a high powered explosive to destroy the greatest opponents. Using a concentrated form of Nitroglycerin and forming it into a powerful Napalm, Nytrospawn invented Nytropalm. The concoction will burn with ease even in the worst possible conditions. However, it is expensive to make so most admins don't bother with it unless it's a special occasion. It works great with forest fires.
Josef Stalin, admin of USSR, needed a quick way to get rid of Ukrainians, and so he invented famine, although it is disputed that Ireland, or even God actually invented famine before Josef (both were mysteriously found dead several days after the claims were made). Famine slowly starves the user of humor until they eventually die off from the site. It's a slow and painful way to remove users, but it is an effective way that often makes the user leave permanently from the site.
Braydie Bunch Cocktail
The Braydie Bunch Cocktail was used extensively against Soviet oppressors during World War II by Finnish resistence. It is named after Michael Braydie, who signed the Braydie-Martin Non Aggression Pact between Britain and the Soviet Union. As a result of this non-aggression treaty, the allies gained Estonia and Latvia, as well as the exotic frontkeeper Lithuania. The Cocktail is comprised of gasoline, soap, and the left side of Connor Oberst stuffed inside an empty bottle of Smirnoff. A twisted rag is inserted into the end and lit. When thrown at a user, this cocktail can wield devastating results including seventh degree burns.
As a scientist under the influence of the Nazi government, Professor B. B. Bob created the BobBobBomb as a powerful weapon against General Eisenhower and the allies. The BobBobBomb's name comes from the two bobs that come right before the explosion(Bob Barker is not one of them). It proved effective in driving off the forces for over a year, but not without the cost of a smear campaign that almost cost B. Bob to be relieved of duty.
The Tompkins Submachine Gun (Also known as the Tompy Gun, and the Tompkins SMG) was a prime tool of banning technology created by Leonard Tompkins in the early 20th century. The Tompkins SMG is one of the most famous banning tools on Uncyclopedia, probably due to its excessive use by many Admins during the first iPod Prohibition. Its most iconic feature is its circular cartridge on the bottom, rumored to hold the "turtle eggs" that many newbies describe come out of the gun when fired at them.
The gun is capable of shooting 500 users per second, a relatively high rate at the time it came out. Because of the high rate of fire and inaccuracies which allow for many causalities, it has become the prime choice of many admins for casual injuring of IPs. Newbie shooting walls featuring this gun have become quite fashionable in many circles, though it often hits the wall rather than the target due to three factors:
- The gun tends to shift to the left
- There is only one newbie to be shot
- The gun is inaccurate
Despite its inaccuracies, the gun remained popular up to its eventual banning to the general admin population before the second iPod prohibition under the Cruel IP Punishment Act, which required a license for such guns by admins wanting to use it.
Bradaphasers are experimental weapons used extensively in the field of prose and Star Trek, but mostly Star Trek. It's chief advances over the gun are its pinpoint precision, and abilities to write prose at near instantaneous speeds. Its power settings, which are revert, and kill, are also very handy features favored by admins. Unfortunatley it has a short battery life, and it hasn't been invented yet. Current obtainable models are plastic replicas. You can still make a cool "pewww! pewww!" sound to pretend you have a weapon until the next century invents it.
The chron gun is only capable of being wielded by God himself, which means it isn't really used at all. The chron gun is capable of dispensing 4 metric tonnes of pure ownage in a minute period. This is in contrast to other admin banning tools which often can only work at a half metric tonne of pure ownage.
Heckler and Hindley USP
Hecker and Hindley's USP line of handguns are quite popular for the sedition of general domestic disturbances around suburban parts of Uncyclopedia. It is capable of dispensing 12 bannings before reloading without an extended cartridge, which usually can dispense 16 bannings. Warning shots(usually in the leg), are often performed with this gun, though at times less conventional mêlée weapons are used in substitute when the USP is unable to be used.
H&H also produces the UMP machine gun for quick shooting runs. Unlike its smaller cousin the USP, the UMP is used for more hardcore problems, such as occasional resistance from the Uncyclopedian Home Army(who's motto is "A bullet for every Admin"), and homicidal blankers.
The M-16 Rifle (more formally known as the United Wikia Rifle), is a class of rifles used formally by the Uncyclopedian Defense Forces. It is a key weapon in tactics and strategies used by administrators for big operations such as the repair of Arabic Uncyclopedia after the fall of the administrator صدام حسين عبد المجيد التكريتي, who oppressed users and stored stockpiles of hidden atomic pants that have remained hidden to this day. Plus, that asshole stole R. C. Murphy's donuts. This weapon is quick to reload, quick to fire, and wields effects that are equivalent, if not greater to the SQ-47 used by many Drammi insurgents for the durability and reliability it gives to them.
Many of the admin banning tools have yet to be remembered by the general Uncyclopedian population, possibly due to influence by the C***l and the Trilateral Commission. However, because of the legacies of these tools of internet deaths, many admin banning tools that are not in common use anymore have made their home in the Uncyclopedian Museum, where they are stood side by side with peices such as the painting Codeine's Mother, the statue Waiting Wilde, and a genuine replica of Eli Rulez's Inside Joke Gin.
After being attacked by a insurgent band of standbyers, MIcrosoft started work on a a massive project, the Banhammer (after the older, manual version outlawed by by the CIP act.) While sharing the same name, the premise was completely different, instead of bringing painful doom on one noob at a time, it would track violators and simply block the violator from access.
It was quick, cool, and efficient, and admins could spend time on "other things". It was a giant advance in the field, and many others were quick to make their own versions.
Noobs, Trolls or disobedient oldie members are the ones who usually get shot at, then ask questions later. Sometimes the Noob surrenders, allowed themselves to get captured into custody, then are mod cued to ensure the posts fit the board, and finally get probation to stay in the forum. But it's too late for oldies who continually break the forum rules, and get executed point-blank range. Trolls? Never.
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|Utilities||Ban Patrol · Quick Redeeming Value Verification|