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“The public believes the town of Adelaide needs more attraction. Aren't the churches enough?”
Adelaide (Adelaida southernensis) is where the people of Australia go to die or meet skanks. This explains why there are so many churches (Adelaide's nickname is City of Churches) and old people. Named after eminent time-travelling documentary presenter Sir David Adelaide (often mistakenly spelled "Attenborough"), it was once the capital of South Australia and in its heyday had a population of just over one million people, of which 72% to be fictitious. The governments efforts of increasing population were on the downfall after the vicious and bloody drop bear attacks of 2003. Today it is a sorry place, fraught with danger, with its many gothic-style churches being refurbished as bordellos. Adelaide's water is notable for being directly supplied from the sewerage pipeline of Melbourne.The temperature swelters in summer periods and causes permanent brain damage to whats left of the population.
Known as the City of Penises and 'that fuckin' hole' (there being approximately 27.1 lesbians per cubic furlong in the greater metropolitan area), pious interstate visitors (those kicked out of Tasmania because of physical deformities which make it impossible to breed with siblings) and also Jesus may be disappointed to learn that almost every church in Adelaide that has been turned into a bordello or has been turned into a pub.
Adelaide was officially proclaimed a city on the second Sunday after the first full moon during the March Equinox in 2049 BC, and again three weeks afterward by Batman. In 1987, Adelaide was sold to Christopher Skase's company Quintex for NZ$ 8 million (approximately 76 US cents) and was subsequently moved to Perth. Three years later, Adelaide celebrity Anne Wills, renowned for being fat and jolly on local television, nicked off with it and returned it on the back of her ute to its original location, with the help of Adelaide's patron, "Lady Genevieve the Awe Some".
Prior to its effective destruction and subsequent colonisation by drop bears, Adelaide was a socially progressive city. Adelaide's greatest achievement was in 2001, when it erected the first and only ebony flag in the world. Also in 1894, it made the world first decision to allow the area's indigenous population the vote. In the same agreement, the power to vote and hold land was taken away from the local white population. A prominent figure at the time, one Mr John Howard, was quoted as saying, "Well, they were here first, so I don't see why they shouldn't have these special rights. I am very sorry for all the troubles we have caused them..."
All things considered, however, nothing too far out of the ordinary ever really happened in Adelaide. One event of note occurred in 2002, shortly before the city's demise: the evil robot Robotcha landed just beyond the city's outskirts at Mt. Lofty, and was generally observed to be acting in a rather stroppy manner. After going on a rampage through the city, he was finally stopped by the legendary, mysterious, hat-with-dangling-corks-wearing local hitman known as Attrebus. Robotcha caused a total of 424 million Ostrayan dollars in damage, mostly to the city's renowned Shrine of Pretentious Oddness: a colossal pair of fossilised cow testicles locals worshipped as a pagan idol, displayed in the main retail district of Trundle Mall. However, destructive vendettas of this nature by gargantuan robots have been seen to take place recurringly in many cities around the world, most notably in Oslo, Tokyo, and Adelaide's sister city, Chernobyl.
On the night of Christmas eve 2011, the 1 millionth person was murdered in the Emo Park. Bear Jones officially declared the victim dead at 82:2100 hours. Media sources have claimed responsibility for the event, some even making headlines, such as "Millionth person dead. Record broken around the world". After this incident, the major of Adelaide claimed Emo Park on Pultney Street the official death town square.
- The Festival Theatre, located aside the Torrens in the City, is a stunning example of contemporary drunken Adelaidian architecture.
- Westpac Banking Corporation locates its headquarters in the city's tallest building, with a bright red logo embedded atop. Unfortunately it fell on March 22, 2012 and killed 22 people. The logo has since been re-embedded on the top with 10 of the 22 bodies stuck to the 'W' because they could not be removed.
- A Botanic Garden arose in 1892 but was replaced with an open-grave cemetery in 2010.
- The Beach House, at Glenelg Foreshore is a popular tourist attraction, requiring only two mortgages to ride the bumper boats and is serviced by the Tram extension.
- AAMI Stadium is an exemplar example of urban planning built in the West Lakes Shore region. An attractive stadium, used for aussie rules football matches, home to the mighty C(r)ows and Port Power(less).
- Mike Rann used the states money to purchase crystal meth and now the state's broke. Again.
- Drink tap water! Now with 1.9% less chlorine! That's a great improvement!
- The Media Emperor Rupert Murdoch is overseas and away from his hometown.
- WOMADelaide 2012 was a major success for Adelaide. Only 152 people were stabbed to death by suspicious police and no one smoked pot.
- A prediction poll conducted by CNNNN in April 2012 has found that 91% of Adelaidians whinge, and 9% believe themselves to be nonexistant. The response has since been overwhelming, with close to 1.1 million responses whinging that they don't whinge.
Before the Carnage
Adelaide claimed to be a prominent centre for both the fine and the crude arts, and was home to some of Ostraya's most famous festivals, including the municipally acclaimed WORMADelaide (a delightful congregation of people from all over the world who can’t sing or play instruments coming together for a solid week of music-making, funded by the government (in vegemite)) and the Fringe Festival (so called because it was held, and entirely based, in John Howard’s large bushy eyebrows and receding fringe). Adelaidians thus customarily had the legend “The Festival State” proudly embossed on the rear of their motor vehicles. Another phrase commonly used for this purpose promoted the state of South Australia as the “Gateway to the Outback”, although of course the whole state cannot be a gateway to a thing contained almost entirely within itself.
Skyscrapers in Adelaide were traditionally painted with brightly-coloured racing stripes down their sides. This was done in remembrance of the many shenanigans denizens undertook pursuing the obscure pastime of Gromp Rei (outlawed in the city's ancient past), but mosty because wanky architects thought the skyscrapers looked really sexy that way. The practice actually only made the buildings about 3% more erotic.
Rupert Murdoch originally came from Adelaide, although the denizens of the city sealed that information away until such a time as Hell froze over, so as to prevent other similar obnoxious people from immigrating in a gregarious-ish mood and getting the nice new airport terminal all dirty. Although Hell has not yet (officially) frozen over, the information is now free to the general public, in light of the fact that there are no Adelaide denizens left to care. The terminal is now a Drop Bear bordello owned by Amanda Vanstone.
The Drop Bear InvasionIn the early hours of 4 March 2003, most of Ostraya's vast population of Drop Bears, displaced from their forest habitat due to excessive logging, began to infiltrate and spread through Adelaide's suburbs from the north. Within thirty-six hours they almost completely wiped out the city's population, but left all structures relatively intact. Those perishing in the disaster included Hermann Goering, Socrates, Sailor Cancer and Your Mum. A national day of mourning was scheduled for October 30, 2936. In an interview televised on the country's popular current affairs programme, Toadie Tonight, the only surviving resident, Judith, detailed the horrific gore she had witnessed, and explained how she survived the marsupial onslaught by using her dark magic to temporarily transport herself into an alternate universe in which she hid under an upturned Mini Cooper.
After the attacks, in order to prevent further bloodshed, Federal Parliament designated the city and its environs as the National Drop Bear Sanctuary, and 90% of Ostraya's Drop Bears fell under the protection of the mighty Kintiser (who always administered his civic duties to the city from his single-bedroom flat in Perth) on the site. A tenuous accord was reached between Judith and the beasts, allowing her to live in relative comfort in the air-conditioning system of the Town Hall, with the freedom to shriek and cackle as she pleases. Some time later the Kintiser was ambushed by nearly 500 Drop Bears in a public lavatory near the Fremantle Railway Station, and was messily devoured. The incident pertained to a quarrel between the Drop Bears and the Kintiser over the latter's failure to provide an adequate supply of umbrella pornography. After this, the Drop Bears were granted self-administration, which was successful for a time, until the Queensland government, under Sir Joe Bjkjkljkjkljjlky-Petersham, surreptitiously drained the River Murray into a large tank for nefarious purposes that as yet remain unknown. With Adelaide's water supply cut off, the Drop Bears migrated and staged a mass protest outside Parliament House in Canberra. They were consequently deported to the sulfur mines in the Philippines, ridding Ostraya to a large extent of one of its principal scourges.
However, most (but by no means all) of the remaining 10% of Ostraya's Drop Bears have now moved into the Smackdown sanctuary to take advantage of self-government and liberal prostitution laws. Therefore, although water has begun to be imported from Iceland (and also piped in cheaply from contaminated reservoirs in Sydney), Adelaide remains a treacherous place to be, especially since staplers and pudding are now supected to also be present in the city. The Drop Bears, both in Adelaide and the Philippines, are rumoured to be plotting their next offensive - BEWARE.
Founded as a non-convict, ergo non-slave-labour colony, Adelaide's early economy relied on settlers buying their land, and employing other Europeans to work for money. With no local goldfields, citizens hoped to get rich with agriculture. God laughed hysterically at them for three quarters of an hour and further reduced the region's annual rainfall, down to two sevenths of a millimetre. Despite this, the city slowly grew until 1939 when local-cherry-farmer-turned-acting-premier-of-South-Australia Thomas Playford sent enough anonymous threatening letters to Federal Government officials to have Ostraya's World War Two production facilities constructed in Adelaide. After the war, a wide range of electrical goods were made in Adelaide (a fact difficult to believe for modern consumers) and decorated war hero General Motors contracted Holden (one of many renowned firms somehow founded in Adelaide, others including News Corporation, Boost Juice, Lloyd's of London, and Auntie Shazza's Fluffy Dice Emporium) to make car bodies. "Springtime for Hitler" had given way to "Springtime for Adelaide", which was much the same thing.
However, by the turn of the century, increased competition (for money, by the government) saw a downsizing in Adelaide's manufacturing sector and its economy in general. Analysts predicted it was only a matter of time before the perpetually troubled Mitsubishi plant closed its doors, due to the phrase "are you a Ford, Holden or Mitsubishi man?" is not making it in into the popular lexicon. An economy based on aged care, telemarketing and Centrelink-form-processing began to emerge.
After the rape of by Drop Bears, the economy of Adelaide is now divided into two reasonably distinct sub-economy-type-things. The desultory bogans of the B.O.B. barter simply, for their day-to-day needs and wants, using mostly VB or other poor-quality beer. The Drop Bear economy on the other hand consists almost exclusively of umbrellas, so-called "pornographic" images of said umbrellas, and prostitution of said umbrellas in their bordellos. Drop Bears like umbrellas. I don't know what to tell you.
It is also important to note that according to the latest governmental statistics, a large portion of Adelaide's economy is based on marijuana. Being even before the Drop Bear invasion the mariujana capital of Ostraya, 75% of the country's bikies have migrated to Adelaide looking to participate in the booming pot trade that made, and still makes, the City of Churches a city of stoners.
This of course contibutes to Adelaide's insanely vibrant nightlife, detailed above, helping make it by far the most "happenin'" party destination in Ostraya and a mecca for the most thrill-seeking-ish of thrill-seekers from all over the nation. Most visit upmarket Hindleeeee Street, located in the heart of Adelaide where a constant supply of drugs, strippers, bordellos and churches-cum-yiros-shops can be found. We suggest that those of you who are suicidally intrepid should check the place out, but advise that open-toed shoes should not be worn whilst walking down Hindleeeee Street due to the used syringes and high chance of a Drop Bear eating one's exposed feet.
- Adelaide - Major destinations include Randell Mall, Hindlee Street, King Willy Streak, Victoria Bitter Square, and numerous back alleys regularly occupied by meat-cleaver wielding drop bears who will unleash all hell upon you if you fail to follow due procedure of the purchase of marijuana.
- Kuntś Town - Who doesn't know Kunt? He's a fucking legend, that's why we named a town after him. Rumour has it he shagged Anne Willis. Score!
- Edward's Town - Kunt's brother. He's a fucking wanker, that's why we named a town after him. Rumour has it he shagged Anne Willis. Queer!
- Narcwood - Located in the lavish, luxuriously green promenades which span the right-wing of the Adelaide urban geography, this place is filled with many a executive corporate who is probably doing drug deals with the AWB in their backyards. A popular destination is the Narcwood Parade, where you simply, parade yourself until a Drop Bear comes along and kicks you in the nuts for being a tosser.
- Mal's Burn - Full rich people with Porsche's and evil fluffy white dogs. It is a statistically made up fact that 67.3% of home's in Mal's Burn have big trees, 6 children and at least 7 BMW's in their drive ways. It is also a certified rubbish fact that 99.9% of people who live in Mal's Burn are drug dealers and are infiltrating the government to make the home's in such places as Flagstaff Pines, Elizabeth, and Salisbury even worse.
- Basket Range - Where else better to fine tune your shooting skills? Little Red Riding Hood and her basket of apples make for a day's fun of gunning down a dead corpse.
- Derek - Want marijuana? Call Derek. He lives in Derek. It's not that hard to find him. Do be cautious though, he lives in the North.
- St Marys - This unsaintly village boasts the largest percentage of druggies within a 10km radius of Adelaide Shitty. Don't be fooled by its resemblance to an outer northern or southern suburb.
- Bel-Air - The setting of the famous yank sitcom "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".
- Hope Valley and Happy Valley - Are actually the same place.
- West Beach - Some country town somewhere in the west. What you'll find here is miles and miles of dead bodies ashore and swathes of radioactive storm clouds which have had a very profound. That's why they built the city's only caravan park here - to leave tourists a very alienated and god-forbid-they-should-come-back-alive impression of Adelaide, West Beach, Santa's Crotch. Whatever the hell this place is.
- Poo Raker - Oh, ye children do beware as you trespass the farms of Poo Raker. Apparently whatever shit lands in the North, he shoves it back over Grand Junction Road into the South. Truth be told, the shit's been hitting the fan a fair bit lately.
- Kill Burn - Does anyone remember when Maggie killed Mr. Burns? Yup. It happened right here in Adelaide.
- Kill Kenny - Bastards!
- Clear View - Quite the opposite place really. There couldn't be more stoners about, in fact, the place is so stoned - the air is green. Not much of a clear view of anything to be seen here.
- Well And(?) - An event of historical insignificance occurred here when a dying man's last words were "Well And?". Crack-house developers clearly seized on the opportunity to make the most of Adelaide's stoned-as property market.
- Poort Adelaide (not Port Adelaide) - Yes, the spelling is correct. This area is a backwater country village compromising some 10,000 inbred men who behave, well, like idiots. They support the Powah and know no other colour than teal, black and white, which explains the reason why the area looks like a desolate landscape that has been subjected to atomic weapon testing by the Drop Bears during the French Reconaissance. Most suburbs within a 10 km radius bear similarities to this district. A haven for the colour-blind, but fails to impress others.
- Glen's Elg - Ahhhh, the serenity of basking in the pot-stenched air and crisp radioactive winds blowing off the western coast. A giant kangaroo laid its droppings here (see some article before or after this one) a masse of plastic sticks is found here, as is an Irish Pub and a couple hundred stoned youths streaking or skinny dipping on the seaweed shores of Glen's Elg. Somehwere in suburbia lies the tree upon which Glen Elg (some dude who lived and died some time ago) dry-humped it excessively that it actually bent over. Now it is a shrine for Japanese tourists in the area, that the tree received when one gave. No, really, it is.
- Salisbury Downs- Best place ever!
- Darlington - Locals barely remember the day when someone told his sheila, "Darling...ton". What happened? I don't know, we're drunk and stoned. Ask the fucking neighbour.
- The South - The southlands are a strange place. One way freeways, bogans, bogans, and more bogans. The only thing interesting is the large flagpoles at Stan Vac's Port. He's dead too. And why he's worth remembering, well no-one knows. They're too illiterate and stoned to know. The beaches are glistened with many remnants of the Giant Kangaroos skid marks whilst he tried to clean himself after his unusually large dropping at Glen's Elg.
- Adelaide Hairport - Want to know what a vagina looks like? Come here, and you'll witness first-hand what a vagina looks like. Massive dildos come in and out all the time - its a great educational place for aspiring teenagers wanting to get laid.
- The North - South's arch nemisis. They're pretty much just like them. Bogans, Mumma's Paro, oh and dare I say
- Elizabeth - This needs no introduction furthermore.
- Elizabeth North - Let's not go there, alright kids?
- Elizabeth Vale - Ooooh. Tsk. Not a pretty place.
- Elizabeth South - General Coke Whores Holdings factory is here. You know, where all the drugs get made? The cars are just a cover-up.
- Elizabeth East - It's just the same place really, the crime rate's just a bit higher is all.
- Elizabeth Grove - Go visit Elizabeth on Laydown Road, she's a 15 year old whore you'll give you a blowjob and an STD for 5 bucks.
- Elizabeth Park - Suicidal? This probably isn't the place for you. Insane, murderous and delusional? Welcome!
- Elizabeth Downs - Christ, could there be any more Elizabeth's? Clearly the people here have Downs Syndrome to come up with such an imaginative name.
- Parafooled Gardens - Love graffiti, syringes at the bottom of slides, drunk 12 year old girls, white boys in 50 cent tanks and Coopers bottles decorating the roadsides? Well, you have now found your dream suburb.
- The East - The place where all the 'posh' people live. Houses there are usually a few millimetres bigger than those of the North and South, however they are filled with hopeless decorations and ornaments in a failed attempt to look like Buckingham Palace. To live in the East, one must be 100% pretence and have a personality of 0%. Notable landmarks include Beaumountain house, a house slightly bigger than the rest, a few pretentious schools that people actually pay to attend and Burnside Village, the local emo hangout (the whole centre combusts every 10 minutes, leaving shoppers, erm, not exactly alive and well).
- The West - No one in South Australia knows what's there. Even the people who live in the West. There's nothing except a few hay bales as far as anyone's concerned. That, and some football team called the Bloods. We assume the natives from Para Hills have taken over.
- Marion - This unusual suburb is unusual as an unusual shopping mall occupies the entirety of the suburb which is unusually crowned as the second largest shopping mall in the Forgotten Hemisphere. So whats here? The world's largest cinema. 20+ screens showing shit all day in their shit seats and shit super-stadiums and shit-sound experiences. Truly a tourist Mecca for teenagers aspiring to lose their virginity in a public place.
- The Adelaide Hills - A collection of small towns, totally devoid of interest. Where old people go to die (and indulge in useless handicrafts).
- Staberfoyle Park - The Drop Bears considered carrying screwdrivers for protection, but then moved out to the nearby Happy Valley
- Everything-else-in-between. No comment - its just suburbs with a few paedophiles, murderers, stoners, dickheads and Anne Willis.
Adelaide drivers are the second worst in Ostraya. This can mainly be attributed to the fact that the Drop Bears are always either drunk, stoned, or of Victorian origin.
Adelaidians experience troubles in rather complicated driving skills, such as merging. This attributes to the reason that they are in fact the 2nd worst drivers in the nation, behind rival Canberries. The art of 'merging' can be described as an intricate maneouvre in which one slides his/her automobile (or billy-karts as they have in Adelaide) from one set of white stripes to another. The process of indication by simplistic hand gestures such as the 'F' finger and fisted knuckles, as well as shifting the steering wheel to the left or right, or reverse follows suit. Many Adelaidians are frought with poor eyesight due to unconsciousness (either stoned or drunk) and fail to complete due course in the arts of 'merging'. The road rage fatality toll now stands at 1,298,642,298 something incidents to date. The Emperor Media Mike Rammed has pledged some 5 bags of kangaroo droppings towards the construction of underpasses to be built along the city's major transport corridor, known as Shith Road. Intersections built will feature 'slip lanes', which to the dismay of many Adelaidians involve the process of merging. The Labour Government in charge has no idea how to manage the city's transportation network, as they are too busy mingling with Far Eastern counterparts and giving birth to hordes of Drop Bears. The Primed Minister Of Crammed Trammes, Mr. Fatrick Condom lounges in his office all day smoking a couple hundred joints of locally and legally purchased marijuana, and mumbles incoherently whenever his advisories (albeit transsexual secretaries bearing much resemblance to Shrek himself) interrupt his daily shaggings by the flurry of 'Fix it Fat' media reports often hounded by tabloid mediocre Drop Bear journalists who plague the Ad Versatiser Offices. The management of the states newly acquired trammes services, operating from the 'Bay' to locals, to the 'Shite' which is where famous localities such as Randell Mall and Hindlee Street are found, as well as the notorious Mars Bar and Department of Crammed Trammes building whom Fatrick Condom resides, has won numerous awards by Indian transportation officials for 'best resemblance to Indian public transport networks'. One such award can be found in Randell Mall, where two very prominently large silver testicles are found atop one another.
Quite surprisingly, Adelaide does actually have an established public transportation system consisting of trains, trams and buses. Having an established public transportation system that actually works though is a different matter entirely. Starting from the most common are the buses. The bus is a long penis-like vehicle designed to take fat, lazy men who don't want to walk to where they want to go but still want it to take just as long. As a result, buses are heavy, cumbersome, slow and is the number one cause of accidents on the road. since road users will have to exercise fancy maneuvers such as merging in order to satisfy their lust to be in front. Inside the bus there is a strong smell of tobacco, weed, alcohol and fat man body odour as well as screaming children and drunk and high psychics staring into your soul. As a way to cope with these horrid nasties most bus drivers drive while stoned to help deaden the senses. It is also commonplace to see bus drivers driving with one hand on the wheel and the other hand on a bottle of rum. For any normal sane person to catch the bus, side effects could include hallucination, frequently looking at the watch, repeatedly pressing the red "Stop" Button and a sudden loss of job and/or consciousness. The worst bit for them is waiting an hour for a bus that is supposed to come in less than 15 minutes. They see a bus in a distance and they cheer, reach for champagne and have a party. Then they see "Not in service," "Special," or "Fuck you, buy a car." They often commit suicide after seeing this.
Although Adelaide's rail network is officially used exclusively for freight, some clever folks have enabled the transportation of passengers in and out of Adelaide by attaching a diesel motor to a couple of livestock carriages to use as passenger trains. While simplistic in design these trains offer some remarkable features. The most impressive is of course having a first hand experience on what it's like being a cow in a livestock wagon, particularly during peek hour. These trains also sport transparent drawing canvases, fighting arenas and public urinals all in each carriage. Also the best part about it is that its free. For some reason there are blue rectangular boxes installed at every door which have been noted for displaying red "X" signs and making a lot of noise. The use of these is still unknown, a popular theory is that these blue boxes house the train's rudimentary safety system.
Adelaidians are bemused at their former governmental officials, the Mad Libs for constructing the world's only one way expressway. With an operating time of 22 hours every day, it is a shrine for 'L' (Losers) and 'P' (Pissed) plate drivers to cruise in their 1980's boxed convertibles at astonishing speeds of 82kph (a record held by the Honourable Marjorie Jack-off Nelson when she rode her billy-kart down the hill). The all-persuasive policing force do little than to stand by and shag in the bushes adjacent the expressway and scream 'COME' every time someone goes by faster than 65kph. The thrusting, that is.
Established sometime during the First Gulf War, the Oh! Barn, a dirt track which 8 wheeled billy-buses travel along whom the city's Emos, Stoners, SceneKids, and drunk politicians travel aboard through the River Torrens, which is filled with numerous animal feces, some from the Honourable Fatrick Condom himself (who is not humane). This marvelous form of transportation is a signature trademark of Adelaide's surrounds and connects the Shite to the Golden Grove, where lavish meadows of marijuana crops are grown, with a couple thousand stoners sitting outside their doorsteps, again mumbling incoherently about the racket the billy-buses make every time they go past.
Expressways are sprouting all across the city, at the expense of many kangaroo droppings handed out by the Emperor Media Mike Rammed, and the city has only one freeway which navigates forgotten districts of the city - such as Mount Barker (home to a 2,735,864,538 metre tall rubber chicken, and millions of kilos of happy happy weed), Lobethal (a town notorious for its hippy-themed Christmas festival, and all other things sacrilegious), and Hahndorf (Cock Village) - the Germans fortress during the Second World War, where Hitler's private bunker is found under the local inn. His mettwurst ist hugen bugen!
Adelaide often experiences violent dust storms, known as "Adelaide Dust", which move down from dust covered city of Whyalla, also known as Pig City. On occasion, discarded nuclear waste (found almost everywhere in the South Australian desert) mixes with the dust and upon its arrival creates a nuclear radiation blanket over the city, keeping it toasty warm and radioactive. In the past this was handy for streetlighting and in the manufacture of cyclists' fluorescent night jackets, formerly a major industry. The phenomenon probably also explains how the Drop Bears got to be so friggin' huge.
Stoning is a major sport praticed in Adelaide, whom up to 70% of citizens regulary partake daily. It has the highest particpation rate of any Forgotten Hemisphere country in the world, trailing its nearest competitor, the Neverlands by over 53%.
Stolen from the neighboring Bitter Victorians, Football is dominated at local fields on Shaturday afternoons, where seemingly unco-ordinated fat lards roll around in mud and play fancy with an ovular shaped ball by handpassing, kicking or headbutting it to opponents and teammates alike. Large crowds witness the occasion, pledging allegiance to the Queen before each game and scull down many a beer before shagging their wives in the canteen. Young children are advised to shag in the trees, or play nice by being umpires for the match, where distortionate results are recorded. In such instance, Central Districts beat some forgotten team from the south 400-0. Crack-dealing and alcoholic incidents are regularly seen, as to beware of Para Hills wielding meat cleavers in case they lose, chasing the entire opposition home to wage war against 'the infidels'.
Amy's Stadium (owned by an 11 year old dyslexic girl) is home to the Adelaide Krows, and Port Adelaide Pow-ah. They are the state's representatives to the national competition, the AFL. Both the Krows and Pow-ah have won premierships, but Port suffered a disgracefully humilating loss of 119 points in the Grand Final against Peelong, Bitter Victoria. An exodus of 12,083 members withdrew from the Port Adelaide township following the incident. Players are often stoned, drunk, or just plain unco-ordinated and run around in tight frocks screaming for attention from their fans at participating home matches to hear the call of 'Carn Da Crowes', which is thought to be a sentimental tribute to Russell Crowes and bears little resemblance to the team in support.
New figures prove Adelaide is crappier than initially believed.
- According to the figures the average Adelaidian has; 3 and a half children; 45% married; owns 24.2% of their home; sees half a movie each week; watches 3.2 hours of TV ads a night; enjoys recycling plastic but not paper; can't tell the difference between a latte and a flat white; pretends not to cheat on their taxes; and believes God was an astronaut.
- Adelaidians are among the nation's most avid users of marijuana. More than 80% of households have a marijuana operation of sort running, with 56% of those having two or more computers, one of which was bought "brand new" at a "bargain price" from a guy they met at the pub. The average person spends 1.4 hours a day bitching, usually in office hours, with 4.5 hours a month spent fucking their boss and 7.2 hours a month forwarding joke emails and viral videos of monkeys playing ping-pong.
- Melbourne has long suffered from "Second City Syndrome" with Melbourne, but this is clearly changing. More than 93% of citizens now believe Adelaide's "branch office" mentality is not on the wane, and that Adelaide is as good as Blackpool, and is just as international and is every bit as famous and sexy, and produces just as many celebrities as Blackpool does and doesn't have an inferiority complex at all.
- When asked what emblem would best represent the spirit and the mindset of Adelaide in the 21st century, the survey results showed a three-way tie between: a middle manager shuffling paper; a middle manager organising a marijuana operation; and a middle manager kicking a vending machine because his Twisties got stuck in the coil.
- Not surprisingly, public transport proved to be a hot topic among respondents. Of those surveyed, 35% said the system was doing a "fine" job, 45% said it was doing a "not fine" job, 23% demanded a higher standard of graffiti, 62% welcomed the reintroduction of smoking in trains and on platforms, while 40% said they still couldn't find a ticket machine that took paper.
- More than 92% were excited by the prospect of Big Brother's return to television, but did not believe they would see it in their lifetime; 22% said they would, but that it still wouldn't be worth watching; 21% of respondents wanted to know "Who's Mikey?"
- Adelaidian's are among the least health conscious in the nation. More than 92% said they got up at 11.30am each day to go to McDonalds, order a supersized Big Mac meal and shove their faces full of shit. In conjunction with this they observed a strict, calorie-controlled diet. Nobody surveyed would agree to a polygraph test.
- Adelaidians are nothing if not sports mad. According to the survey: 22% of people said they were "completely" sports mad; 37% said they were "somewhat" sports mad; while 18% still asked "Who's Mikey?". When asked whether stoning should be considered a sport, 66% said: "Why not? Cricket is".
- The survey confirmed Adelaide as the nation's fashion capital. An overwhelming 89.6% of people said they wore clothes on a regular basis, with 22% painting their toenails black and 67% believing that psychedelic leggings are long overdue for a comeback. Some 16% demanded legislation restricting the wearing of bling in public by people over 45, while more than 47% wanted all undercover police officers to wear feather boas.
- City of dreamers. The people of Adelaide love their dreams, with 22% dreaming in full colour, 12% dreaming in black and white and 16% dreaming in hi-def; 12% complained about bad reception, 45% dreamed in 16:9 while 17% enjoyed a full 2.35 widescreen aspect ratio. Some 34% complained of letter-boxing and only 8% said they dreamed in the Imax format. Nobody surveyed reported 7.1 digital sound in their dreams.
Although officially administered by the Drop Bears and in practice a near-lawless environment, Adelaide is still claimed by the South Australian government as being under their rule. Although the South Australian government's role in administering Adelaide is becoming reduced to an extent, their influence on high society still remains, as does their influence on the bogans of the north.
The Conspiracy Theory
It is a little-known but telling fact that during the days when Ostraya was under threat of attack from Liechtenstein and planners in Sydney were drawing up the strategic withdrawal, the line was actually drawn just south and east of Adelaide, as the Powers that Were (and Be still) did not consider the city of churches-cum-pubs as worthwhile to retain as Brisbane (with its stagnant mangrove swampland), or the inbred island of Tasmania (the sole export of which is mutants; in fact freak shows flock to the Apple Isle (so called due to its shape, which is similar to that of a computer) to get genuine world-class deformities). Thus Adelaide would have been ceded to Liechtenstein's evil empire along with Westralia and other expanses of empty sand in the vicinity. From this, one of many examples, the stigma surrounding Adelaide in other areas of Ostraya can be percieved. Eminent statisticians at the University of Estonia have estimated that this stigma is 89% justified, but they were drunk at the time. However, there is a theory that speculates that there may still be a utopian paradise concealed within Adelaide, which I would go into detail upon, including more crap concerning batty Judith, and the stuff about the arrangement of various brightly-painted chunks of concrete placed behind the State Parliament so as to discombobulate Billy Connolly, if I weren't so tired right now. Get off my back, you bastards.
Great Wine Crisis of 2007
In February 2007, the South Australian wine industry faced a major shortage after all their grapes turned sour. Fortunately, this crisis should soon be resolved thanks to all the whining coming from the Adelaide United Dance Company coach and director John Kosmina and prima ballerinas Roslyn "You've got the wrong" Aloisi, Carlotta Veart and Michelle Valkanis.
Adelaide's nightlife is very busy for paramedics, doctors, police and firefighters, especially on nights of a full moon. Predomiantly the "nightlife" is basd in the CBD especially the bogan district (Myra Hindley St and the West end) or the more upperclass East end. This part of the city is being purchased piece by piece by the Church With Guitars.
Regardless a plethora of bashings, lynchings and looting occur and allow fun for the whole family. Corporate boxes are available for hire (Apply to the Church with Guitars - deposit payable). Nightlife in the city is especially busy during the summer and spring seasons and it is rare not to see ethnic turf wars or bogans fighting over 2 dollar beers, women, football or just to lose those last few brain cells. On Friday and Saturday Nights, the Premier, Mike Rammed can be seen on Myra Hindley St amusing banked up motorists by bouncing a basket ball or holding a hula hoop while wearing nothing but Budgie smugglers and a pair of white knee length gumboots.
One aspect of Australian culture, pubs, are especially busy during the weekend as are bars, brothels , stripclubs and ethnic nightclubs full of smelly ethnics, who end up getting all the women instead of the dropkick pissed inbred aussies. Unlike other Australian and Ethiopian cities most venues are closed by 4.25pm on normal days and remain closed on Christmas, Boxing Day, Shrove Tuesday, St Valentines day, the seventh Sunday before Lent, St Crodegang's day, Mike Rammed's Ascension Day, Bookkeepers Tuesday, when the temperature drops below 12 degrees or on days of the week that contain an "S" when spoken in any IndoEuropean language.
In 1901 when Adelaide was merely made up of a few tents and some beers, an Italian ship named CigBocks did a stop over as they were running out of petrol and required to find some BP Ultimate. While inquiring in the town, the CigBock crew agreed to have some some of the beer that made up Adelaide.One thing led to another and the CigBock crew started shagging all the women in Adelaide. As a result of this porn movie, Adelaide is now filled with some of Ostraya's most beautiful females when compared to Melbourne. Sydney is not part of the comparison as it is full of gay men, fuck knows whats going on in Darwin, Brisbane and Perth can go get fucked. Unfortunately a large percentage of the female population of Adelaide is infected with a debilitating affliction known as Boganism. This is characterized by drinking bundaberg rum, wearing moleskins and an RM Williams rugby top (collar up optional) or Salisburianism. Salisburianism is characterised by Tracksuit pants, ugg boots, tramp stamps and clothing sporting the brands FUBU and/or Wu Tang. Females infected by Salisburianism are regular supporters of the Port Adelaide Football Club, also known as "Portadlayd". These women are extremely disgusting and should be avoided at all costs, especially if they smell like the inside of a Salvation Army shop.
More or less described in the above paragraph, even if you arrived intentionally in Adelaide and were not merely deported, the northern suburbs is the last place you would want to be. Mainly populated with boguns, this area is well known for gun fights, gangs, serial killers and its derelict housing industry. If you ever go to the northern suburbs, here are some good tips.
Non-alcoholic state drink
Most Adelaidians that aren't drunk or stoned drink Farmers Union Iced Coffee. This drink was created by a gold mine that exploded due to all the drop bears dumping the bodies of the people they would kill into the mine. The gold from the mine immediately melted as it got to within a centimetre of the sun and fell into a coffee factory. Most Adelaidians will refer to it as liquid gold.
“This city ain't big enough for the both of us.. no really it isn't.”
“Who the f**k stole my children?”
“Ive had mongolian horse diahorrea that tastes better”