Adam and Eve
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“Disguised myself as a snake today and went for a little stroll in the Garden of Eden. Met two right mugs.”
Adam and Eve were the first human beings, if the Bible is to be believed. They are also considered the first rednecks, since they are siblings who had sexual intercourse with each other. If Charlie Darwin is to be believed, they would have been Neanderthals. Christian fundamentalists think it's much nicer to believe the Bible than to believe Darwin. Incidentally, if you are a religious fundamentalist and believe the story of Adam and Eve then you look a bit Neanderthal.
Innocence, then the Snake
Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden. They were both naked. They were the very first humans. And they were pure, although they were naked. They had never managed to do anything wrong, ever. That meant that they were totally inexperienced. They didn't know that doing naughty things can sometimes be fun. They didn't know that you sometimes feel guilty afterwards. They had no idea that being naked is embarrassing. Adam and Eve also didn’t know that wearing sexy underwear can be more exciting than being naked. Anyway Adam looked at Eve’s tits & pussy, and he had no idea what to do with that. Eve looked at Adam’s little wang, which excited her.
Anyway, along came this talking snake. The snake spoke to them and said,
"You can find out all about things if you eat some tasty fruit from this lovely tree."
"God told us we shouldn’t eat fruit from that tree."
"Come on don't be pussies."
"God said if we eat that fruit we'll DIE on that same day."
"God was just making that up. Of course you won't DIE."
"Er well.... we're not sure."
“If God didn’t want you to eat that fruit why on Earth did he put the tree there? You don't think God is Evil do you?”
“You think God really wants us to eat it?”
"You want to find out about everything, don't you?"
"Well...perhaps... The fruit really looks tasty."
"Yes, eat the fruit. If you eat the fruit you'll be cool, and you'll be like God and know what God knows. That'll be cool, really cool."
Did they ask themselves the right question? They just didn't consider that they shouldn't eat it because God had told them not to. Nobody had told Adam or Eve that disobedience is wrong. So rather than saying "OMG, IT'S A TALKING SNAKE" and running a mile, they ate that tasty fruit. Then they knew what to do with each other. And they got excited. And they fished. Afterwards they got embarrassed. And they covered themselves up. But that didn’t help them. They just weren't innocent any more. They stayed dejected in the garden, and waited for God's wrath.
God in a very bad mood
In the cool evening God came into the garden. The leaves had wilted. Black toadstools had sprouted in the flowerbeds. And then God stepped forward, and His mighty foot landed right in a pile of steaming dog doo. "JAHDAMN IT!" God bellowed, scuffing His immense sandal on the grass, "Those IDIOTS have had crazy sex in bed and now EVERYTHING IS SPOILT! Her boobs must be huge." God wanted to know why they had hair on their privates and were so aroused. And God didn't like the reason.
"Adam and Eve, why are you wearing that hair?" God demanded to know.
"And why are you hiding?” God demanded to know.
“Er we didn’t think it is right to be naked in front of you. My sperm is much more fresh, you see. So we covered ourselves up”
"How did you find out that you are naked?” God demanded to know.
“Er. . .well. . .umm. . .”
”You’ve had wild sex. After I told you not to!”
"We didn't know that was wrong till after the kid came along."
”That's just not good enough."'
"We tried to make up for it. We got those hairs on our privates."
”That's still not good enough."'
“Lord, why did you put that clean bed in the garden if you didn’t want us to fuck real hard?”
”I get to ask the questions. You don’t!"'
“Will you kill us today like you said you would?”
”I’ve changed my mind. You won’t die today. You’ll die sometime.”
So God forced them to leave the garden. Perhaps the garden was still beautiful. They could never go back. Adam lived over 900 years, according to Genesis 5. We don't know how long Eve lived. Perhaps Adam blamed Eve.
“It’s all your fault! You shouldn’t have given me that wretched fruit!”
“No it’s your fault. You should have warned me!”
Perhaps they blamed God for putting the tree there. It’s dangerous to blame someone who is as powerful as God, even if there's a goddamn good reason to blame him.
Funkier versions of Genesis circulate in the demon worlds, with unparalleled emphasis on God's libido. It all is supposed to have begun with Satan's idle advice to God against jerking off in the public, and the subsequent pissed of God's fight with Satan which ended up in penile fracture on both sides. Satan moved on, shedding his limbs and faking renunciation, while God grew a 'once-in-a-million fuckin-Godlives' fruit that was to help him re-vamp his virility, by generating holy bone.
Satan advised Eve that Adam eat the fruit. When Eve approached Adam, Adam just couldn't miss the glory of architectural advantage, and ate the entire fruit, leaving God boneless for eternity. .
Were Adam and Eve Having Orgasms?
Adam and Eve were in that garden of delights for some time before they got round to sinning. They were naked and could see each other's nipples, clit, and penis erect. And they could see all the animals multiplying fruitfully. They could see how animals do it. They must have seen what to do, surely.
One day Adam and Eve must have seen two dogs making puppies. And Adam never said,
"Come on Evie bend over, let's do what the doggies are doing."
And Eve never answered, "Yes, Adam dear that would feel really good."
Adam and Eve found out lots of cool things when they fucked hard. We inherited their sin but we didn't learn what they learnt. We just don't know. That's certainly intriguing but we just can't find out. It's unfair, we must pay for the sin but we don't know what they knew about sex. We'll have to imagine and guess.
Sad! They hated making babies because that wasn't what they really wanted.
Anyway God cursed them by forcing them to be nude for the rest of their lives, even after Adam got a beer gut and Eve let herself go.
What happens if you break Uncyclopedia rules? Well, if you break God’s rules it’s worse. Many little n00bs don’t know they’ll get into trouble for breaking Uncyclopedia rules. That doesn’t help them. Adam and Eve didn’t know they’d get into trouble for breaking God’s rules. That didn’t help them either. God made Adam and Eve leave the garden because they’d been naughty. Adam lived over 900 years and remembered what he'd lost. We don't know how long Eve lived. Adam and Eve had children. And their children committed incest because they were all the spawn of the same parents. We’re all descended from those incestuous relationships.
We're all at fault for being born to a mother and father descended from Adam and Eve. We’re all cursed because Adam and Eve were disobedient before they knew that disobedience is wrong. That’s called the curse of Original Sin. Thank you, God.
No, you're wrong!
You are either a communist or a peabrain! Everybody knows that there WERE two people at the beginning of the world named Adam and Eve who gave into SATAN FRUIT!
Yeah! You just got PWNED by the Kansas State Board of Education, bitch!
Pictures of Adam and Eve
Who doesn't love Adam and Eve? Everybody does. In fact, they love them so much that decided to paint lots and lots of pictures of them. Thing is, everybody liked leaves more than they did Adam and Eve's itty bits, so, they went on a leaf-painting rampage and stuck leaves on pictures of Adam and Eve's glory parts. Poor Adam and Eve. Even though they didn't like their privates shown to the world, it is not appropriate to stick wet, slimy, gross fig leaves on people's private parts. It's just plain rude.
You know, everything would be solved if people just stopped painting Adam and Eve...they don't even know what they looked like, so what the hell are you painting?