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“In Soviet Russia, you do Victorians!”
“Invented a bloody Steam Powered Dildo, that's what they did for us!”
“Rape is pretty soft-core for me.”
Lord Adam Hart-Davis IV, referred to by close friends as Adam Hart Dildo-Head, is a world renowned scientist with a fetish for cycling. He is most famous for his invention of the bike powered dildo which he first demonstrated to the world on his programme What the sex toy industry did for us. He is married to both Tony Robinson and Marty Jopsom. He first became interested in a TV career after being seen by the head of the BBC; Charles Darwin in a bike fetish pornographic video. From this moment on, he became the most well known person on TV (bar Fred Dibnah, whom Hart Davis aspires to be like) appearing in such programmes as How many fists can I stick in my ass and What the fuck did any of these people do for us. With a decline in his pornographic video career in recent years, AHD has become a well known icon of the music industry with such well known hits as Oh, shit, where has my helmet gone and Please love me...i'm a scientist.
Birth and early years
Adam Hart Davis was born on the 6th of November 1769. It was a long and painful birth for his mother as during his time in the womb, he had worked on his first ever science experiment. He had attempted to build the first prototype of the bike powered dildo that was to make him famous in later life. Unfortunately, due to the lack of materials in this first laboratory, he had to make the bike out of what he could find floating around, which included his own excrement and large lumps of cast iron his mother had eaten to fuel his love for science and engineering. Due to the sheer size of this early prototype, it came as a huge shock to his mothers vagina as he dragged it out with him that she ripped. This initial prototype was however doomed to failure as his use of a ferrous metal; Cast Iron meant that after only a few uses, the anal fluids involved would destroy the sexual contraption.
He first learned to ride a bike at the age of around two and a half months - in the year 1798, amazingly, due to his brilliant use of 'THE FORCE' this was long before he learned to walk and even before he learned the art of documentaries about the past...where it is believed he would rather be. His first bike was a red and white model of the Williams 600000000 bike. Note the red and white colour scheme, this was of course before he chose the extremely camp pink and yellow colour scheme that became such a well known part of AHD's clothing.
Pink and Yellow
Since Hart Davis first donned the pink and yellow clothing there has been much speculation amongst philosophers and poloticions alike as to why this has happened.
Aristotle is widely known to have said...
|“||I'm sure that his favourite dildo at a young age must have been this colour scheme. It's certainly what chose my favourite two colours.||”|
Winston 'Sex' Churchill had this to say on the topic...
|“||Adam Hart Davis' clothing will remain a mystery to us till the end of humanity. It is my firm belief that the very moment that the mystery is revealed, the Universe will collapse into a heap of Dildo shaped objects.||”|
Of course, Churchill was wrong, as we now know that it was in fact Overly Gay Man. This extremely camp, although possibly not gay as recent evidence has shown has terrible fashion sense. However, as AHD's sexual looks show us, he clearly got something right when designing Lord Davis' costume. Originally, as with most other superheroes, it was planned to cover his face to hide is true identity from the public. However, as he was so sexy, it was decided to show his face to the world even if, a few people would burst into orgasm just by looking at him.
The Chode Equation
A little known fact is that this brilliant piece of mathematical beauty; the Chode Equation, sometimes known as The Hart Dildo Equation was in fact conceived by the brilliant mind of Adam Hart Davis. Hart Davis had always been fascinated by the mathematics behind penis', indeed, coming up with several well known measuring systems, such as the Chodeatron scale and the Rictor Chode for the measurement of Chodes. Although these allowed a Chode to be measured, it didn't add much to the scientific understanding of these great beasts. For this, a scientific investigation needed to be carried out. By using various scale models, wind tunnels and imitation anus', Hart Davis came up with the most perfect equation in the universe, showing the amount of force that can be exerted by a Chode upon an Anus or Vagina before it rips.
This piece of mathematical beauty is as follows...
Failed to parse (lexing error): E_E=1/2 kx^2 ≡ E_k= 1/2 mv^2
- v - Velocity of entry of Chode in Failed to parse (lexing error): 〖M/S〗^(-1)
- m - Mass of Chode in Kg.
- x – Extension (stretch) of vagina/anus when penetrated in metres.
- K – Spring constant (springiness) of vagina/anus in Failed to parse (lexing error): 〖Nm〗^(-1)
Adam Hart Dildo Head and the Riding Stones
It is not truly known where the name Adam Hart Dildo Head came from, but it seems to have stuck and is now accepted to be an alternative name to his true name, sometimes more widely used in fact. From all the evidence we have regarding this choice of name, the best we can explain the naming process by is a group of Year 10 students sat in a Biology lesson were discussing their favourite bike riding, homosexual television scientists, which of course bought them onto the topic of the Lord of Science Adam Hart Davis. However, some confusion seems to have arisen by a certain Kit Lightning Strike Johns (whom we know now to be retarded) who seemed to have an idea that Mick Jagger was called McJagger and that Adam Hart Davis was in fact Adam Hart Dildo Head.
This name, that began merely as a confusion, has stuck with the public's respect for the great man and has become almost synonymous with his real name.
It was only after this confusion with the names, that AHD and Mick (Mc) Jagger became great friends. Mick (Mc), clearly taking a great interest in Hart Davis' attempts to improve the dildos of the world suggested in 1823, that they teamed up. This they did, to create the first ever band in the world...ever! After an initial working title of The Hairy Dildos dismally failed, they decided to take split the name between their interests. Naturally, AHD chose 'Riding' due to his love of bicycles, and Mick (Mc), being a world renowned Palaeontologist, chose to follow in the footsteps of his hero Dinosaur George Blasing and used the word 'Stone'.
This name bought instant success and they began touring the world in the bit at the back of Hart Davis' bike that used to carry all the science stuff for his shows in. It wasn't until 1845, when more bands had began to spring up, that the Riding Stones realised they needed to do something different. They decided, to write a song, entitled "Bicycle Race" (a song later covered by Queen for Adam Hart Dildo Heads 74756th Birthday). This song, being the first song, ever written ever became an instant hit, appearing on the TV show Top of the Chode. It was the invention of the band and the invention of the song that earned Adam and Mick (Mc) the title of most innovative people in the world. They took out a joint patent on the two inventions in the year 1848, which meant that all other bands had to stop operating and all other songs had to be destroyed. This, much like the effect the Catholic Church had on science, had much the same effect on music, leading us to having such god awful tripe as NIN today.
Unfortunately, Hart Davis' obsession with developing improved dildos proved to much for Mick (Mc) Jagger, and the sexual relationship between the two began to fray. The final straw was when Adam tried his new invention which comprised of 16 dildos strapped to the rear wheel of a bike upon Mick's (Mc) soft un-stretched anus. The rip that this caused also created a rip through the relationship between the two band members as no longer could Hart Davis stimulate Mick (Mc) with his Dildo themed inventions. The band finally split on the 16th of July, 1901 after releasing one last single; Oh Dildo, where art thou?
The Invention of Emo
For a brief period after the split up of the Riding Stones, AHD became very depressed. He took to wearing Skinny Jeans, cutting himself and also grew a fringe over his eye. This invention became known as Emo, another first for Adam Hart Davis. He patented this idea in 1864, this patent stopped people from being Emo for the next 25 years. Due to this pressure, kids started kind of copying it...naming their style, Scene...which was just a half arsed attempt to be Emo like Adam Hart Dildo Head. Fucking Scene kids.
In another attempt to be like him, they began using another of his ideas when the patent expired, this being the camera. Unfortunately, this is widely regarded as, as bad an idea as not shooting J.D Salinger before writing the Catcher in the Rye as it has caused untold misery and created pages with "146384692486349683469348643 photos of me" on Facebook.
His Huge Dong
It is well known, that Adam Hart Davis posses the largest penis in the known Universe. It measures an astonishing 3258340698326903148671307918530913678134902860732409487543096982345917810989146091486146981346991467507291857109787957 x 〖10〗^45 billion trillion gazillion miles long. He uses this to pleasure several beautiful women, and each and every dildo made by him is based upon the shape of this amazing penis, albeit on a far smaller scale to reduce the risk of serious anal injury if used by the inexperienced operator.
Hart Dildo Enterprises
The breakdown of the Riding Stones led to AHD being rather short of money. He first tried to get a job in a porn film, but was rejected due to the fears that he may show up the other porn stars due to his giant dong. He decided, that he should use his natural abilities in some way to help him make money. This was of course the application of bike power to dildos. His first patent on behalf of the company was issued in 1933; coincidently the same year Hitler (a big fan of the application of alternative energy to dildos) came to power. Hitler decided to fund the foreign inventor in an attempt to help pleasure himself to a greater degree. Unfortunately, Hart Dildo Enterprises failed to pleasure the Fuhrer which lead to the start of WWII. Fortunately, for the Allies however, Churchill seemed to be heavily stimulated by the 1940 model, which led to the RAF winning the Battle of Britain. Contrary to popular belief, the US did not enter the war due to Pearl Harbour, instead, Theodore Roosevolt was highly dissatisfied by his Nazi manufactured dildo, he decided to try out the British made Hart Dildo Enterprises patent Dildo, which pleasured him far more. He agreed to enter the war with the Allies if a lend/lease agreement could be set up with the British Government on the supply of Hart Dildo Enterprises Dildos to the US Senate.
However, as was the case with most British industries, the Unions became to powerful and eventually went on several strikes. People just couldn't work without the stimulation provided by these Dildos, and by the 1970's due to this lack of sexual stimulation, Britain entered a gloomy period of three day weeks and so forth. By 1976, a once proud British company had gone bust. On the 16th of February 1976, the last dildo rolled off the production line, bringing to a close the long history of the company.
Happily, however, an enterprising young man bought up the patents and tooling, and as of 2010, has began manufacturing a small range of original dildos under the banner Fenton Dildos.
After the success of Hart Dildo Enterprises, AHD had money to invest into a TV career. He wanted to remove himself from the pornographic industry and instead concentrate on Scientific and Historical Documentaries, aimed at a wider audience than lone 16 year old boys without girlfriends. After constantly masturbating in front of the head of the BBC and raping David Dimbelby repetitively, it was decided a series would be set up combining his love of cycling and sex. It was to be called Local (RAPE) Heroes, it followed a format where he would ride around the country in his obligitary pink and yellow clothing and bicycle, meeting famous rapists from certain areas, then re-enacting their rape using materials stored in a trailer behind his bike; usually involving lots of sticky tape and scraps of wood.
Unfortunately, rape was banned in the year 2006, along with paedophilia and general child molestation (even though Catholic priests are of course exempt from this rule), these set of ridiculous laws stopped a lot of programming including the highly popular George Blasing paedophilia series. This bought to an end this initial series.
However, the BBC had heard of this impending legislation long before the 2006 date, and had began producing a set of series under the collective title "What the Fuck did they do for us?". These ground breaking series looked at a different group of people for each separate series, with each series comprising of 6 episodes spread over 6 weeks. It would see Hart Dildo looking at important features of interest to each group and discussing with experts the importance of each artefact and group of people. What the series is remembered for is Hart Dildo's excitement at having a go with whatever was being shown to him. This is fondly remembered in the British public's hearts when he tried out the first mechanised dildo, developed way back in 1712 by Thomas Newcomen. This great contraption of wood and black cast iron ripped Hart Dildo's ass right down the middle meaning he had to have several operations on his anus before he could return to broadcasting.
- ↑ It may be possible that creatures with larger penis' live in far off parts of the Universe, but it is impossible to reach these distant places, until the patents expire on Hart Davis' Spaceship Warp Drive patents.
- ↑ This could be simplified to 325 squillion, but Hart Davis holds a patent on the number a squillion.