Actuary
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
An Actuary is generally believed to be the intellectual elite of the business world. Just ask one they will confirm this. They use their brilliance in mathematics, statistics, economics, finance and problem solving abilities they tackle different problems and give simple solutions. Actuary profession has been rated as the best job the last 5 years according to Actuarial Weekly, all those surveyed were Actuaries, coming in last was Accountant. It is generally believed that inorder to qualify as an Actuary you must already be a millionaire and repeatedly bang your head against a solid wall for 10 years straight.
[edit] TV SHOWS/MOVIES where the word actuary has been mentioned and you have thought what the f$@! is that?
- Ugly Betty "We have a bowling team called the debitz, with a z, the z scares the Actuaries"
- About Schmidt "He was an actuary before he retired"
- Along Came Polly "Reuben Feffer (Ben Stiller) is an Actuary"
- Stranger than fiction "I had a girlfriend, she left me for an actuary"
[edit] What does an Actuary actually do?
They Actuarialate. The word actuary is difficult for most to say making actuaries seem smart for even having the mental ability to pronounce such a tongue twister. Thats why actuaries say they studied actuarial science, an even harder word to say making them sound like geniuses for doing such a crazy degree.
Thats why if you were to ask an actuary what they do they would reply: "actuarialting which is simply a series of actuarialations that prove the null hypothesis is abstractly absurd to the alternative, alternatively altering estimations of the estimate to best fit the null, not in any accordance with null spaces unless we are dealing with actual actuarial vector spaces in which the basis of being an actuary fits in with the axioms of the subspace, I know, I know it sounds difficult but its not for me, I am actually an actuary."
[edit] What does Actuarialating consist of and is it even a word?
- Yes its a word look it up in any actuarial dictionary, you will find it right after Actuarial
- Lots and lots and lots and lots of Maths. eg. Projecting their Vectors into Subspaces
- Advise on investments. eg. Ask an actuary which stock will go up, then if it does you make money, if it does not sue him/her for giving you the wrong advice, win win for you, and don't feel bad actuaries are loaded (Just ask one they will confirm this).
- Sign important pieces of paper. eg. Whether or not an Insurance company has enough money to pay out all its claims, and Actuaries never make mistakes because they are all so so so
smatsmart. cough HIH collapsed due to wrongful estimation by their actuaries cough...wait...other people cant do any better...
[edit] How to become an Actuary?
Becoming an Actuary is a long and grueling process where only 8% of those who start go on to complete and be certified. This is because the Institute of Actuaries who determine what it takes to become an Actuary have worked out with their economical brilliance that price is where supply meets demand. So if they cut the supply of Actuaries right down to pi per year they can earn lots of mula.
Depending on which country one chooses to study in and at which profesional body you which to sign with, it's a terrible procedure becomming an actuary. Few people who are actuaries actually know what actuaries do. You study your ass off, fail, study some more, fail and eventually drop to accounting science or computer science or to a bachelors in the electric jazz triangle. To spite what people will tell you or what you may believe most actuaries hate accountants because it is everyone's fall back plan. Before a potential actuarial student decides to major in stats, economics and maths they all considered becoming a CA. So you pass a couple of modules, you retake the rest and boom, eventually you are stuck writing your qaulifying exams.
If one goes to a university, you probably won't see any actuarial science students ambling about. These are the people who will skive off a stats lecture to study stats. These are the people who can't have a conversation with you without slipping the words "confidence interval", "integrating factor", "moral hazzard" or "chi-squared" into EVERY sentence. They generally get together in basements at three fifteen in the morning and read math poetry.
Steps you must complete to become an Actuary:
- Count to infinity not once, not twice but thrice.
- Learn the last digit of pi.
- Integrate
where u=
. (hint: convert to polar coordinates)
Become oldBe Old (
).
- Calculate the difference between 0.99999 reoccurring and 1 as a fraction with real numbers
- Have Grey Hair.
- Become Senile.
- Divide by 0
[edit] How much do actuaries earn?
Nobody really knows the answer to this question except for actuaries themselves as they know everything (Just ask one this). Some people speculate upwards of $200 000 - $300,000 per annum but because of the long rivalry between actuaries and accountants, actuaries refuse to lodge tax returns in case accountants learn of their true remuneration and attempt to become an actuary throwing out Actuaries balance of supply and demand.
[edit] Engineers vs. Actuaries
It is a common fact that Engineers and Actuaries have been at war for many years. It is unclear which party is currently winning the war. It is also unclear why the war was started in the first place, and what they are fighting about. Nevertheless, the Actuaries still continue to baffle engineers with crazy mathematical proofs to the 285'th decimal point (the main weapon of the Actuary). In defence, Engineers just round the numbers provided by the Actuaries to the nearest million. The duration of this war has been in dispute by both sides - Actuaries insist it started a couple of thousand years and 23.387223786261 seconds ago, while engineers insists it started a 1000 years ago (give or take a couple of millenia).
Also, Engineers are in general much better looking than Actuaries. This is not maths or stats related so Actuaries don't mind.
[edit] Actuary>Accountantsx3
Actuaries are smarter than accountants, its a simple fact (Just ask any Actuary). Hundreds of thousands of new accountants go into the work place every year looking for jobs, this creates a huge supply for a much slower growing demand forcing Accountants wages down into the dirt where they belong. Actuaries make it so hard to become an Actuary that the demand for Actuaries overwhelmingly succeeds the supply pushing up their wages into the heavens where they belong. A newly qualified accountant earns less than $30 000 per year where a newly qualified Actuary earns over $100 000 a year hence why actuaries are at least 3 times better than accountants. This annoys accountants who point out the difference between God and an Actuary is that God doesn't think He is an actuary.
[edit] What Actuaries actually believe in
(Just ask one they will concur on this).
[edit] Common Facts about Actuaries.
- They love to categorize things (for proof see below)
- They are old
- They
thinkknow they are better than accountants - They work for big evil corporations
- They enjoy theme parks and rollercoasters
- They love the number 5318008 and tend to be ugly
- They use
magicmathemagic - They are not particularly fond of peppadews
[edit] See also
