Acne
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“OMG there's a volcano on my face!”
~ A kid on First Time Acne
“By once again choosing to spend all of your free time out on the surface of the sun until melanoma has developed, you have forced me to pull the attending dermatologist away from his acne seminar and validate his most ridiculous of career choices.”
~ Dr. Cox on acne seminars
“Acne is irritating.”
~ Captain Obvious on Acne
Acne, is a gay way to say facial herpes. It is also known as "pimples", "zits" or "pizza-face" (derogatory), is most amusing when it is at its worst. The larger the pimple, the more amusing. What makes this disease so great is the endless hours of fun one can spend in front of a mirror (in private, of course), squeezing the base of the larger zits until they violently erupt. No one quite knows what the human fascination with bursting pimples is. But people are also fascinated by death, aren't they? The most patient zit-poppers have the wisdom to leave the little zits alone, letting them mature into huge, ripe pus-pockets, as these are the most desirable.
The mirrors of a true acne enthusiast are their bragging rights. Rarely cleaned, these mirrors have dried-up squirts all over them. One can compare the severity of the zit they just squeezed with those they squeezed in the last several weeks.
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[edit] Backne (baack-knee)
This takes the pimple-popping to orgy levels, where numerous participants can "squeeze the crap out of" the gruesome bumps upon the backs of their friends. Usually, in such an exercise, the participants will all be familiar with each other. However, there are a few clubs where, one can perform the bubble-busting with strangers, heightening the excitement.
With the proliferation of these groups, also comes another, morally-deprived group, known as the acne prostitute. These low-life men and women will whore themselves on the street, offering their zits for popping for a nominal fee. If you are interested in a night with one of these people, you can find them in the seediest part of any major population center. Of course, protection is a must: gloves. sterny has mad acne
[edit] Assne (ass-knee)
Assne is a plethora of pimples and zits that are located on one's badonkadonk. This hilarious condition causes discomfort while doing normal acitivites, which is hella funny to watch. Assne is very common among bus drivers, airplane pilots and Turkish citizens.
[edit] Fool's-cne (a.k.a. fools-cne)
One way to recognize this condition is a large, red bump, which has no white apex or summit. These should always be squeezed. The pus, having no real escape to freedom, will be forced out of the zit and into the surrounding skin, developing into many, many, many more pimples for your pleasure. The above photo is one of the more successful competitors in the International Freakshow. but really now sterny has really good acne
thomas kennedy has got really bad back acne its chat
[edit] Blackheads
The Blackheads have been criticised by the Church of Scientology for their "verbally graphic" lyrics which depict women as zit-slaves. According to Women's Rights Coallition, their music is "...wrongfully objectifying women, lowering them to the role of a zit-slave, for which men are already perfectly suited." MADD, expanding their horizons, is boycotting The Blackheads, stating in a press-conference that "the latest album is promoting squeezing acne while intoxicated, which will only lead to serious injury or death." Not wanting to be outdone, the Women's Rights Coalition President Tom Cruise said in his Pidcast, "What The Blackheads are doing is wrong, just wrong...shit my ass hurts..."
There has been no comment on these comments, interestingly enough, either from the musical group, or from anyone else.
[edit] Conjoined Twins
[edit] Death by Acne
Two hilarious incidents have occurred in history, in which acne sufferers died under odd circumstances. 1982, an adolescent Johnny Jenkins (age 34) sprouted his first pubic hair. It also brought with it his first pimple, which Johnny proceeded to pop before a mirror (instinct drove him to it, we assume). Little did he realize that his hemophilia would cause him to bleed to death. He only realized his mistake the moment after the white stuff spewed forth, preceding the never-ending trickle of blood. He bled to death in a matter of seconds. He was excited, and it was a big zit, okay?
The other most read-about death was that of "Shorty" Williams of the Bronx, New York in 1956. His body was covered with huge bumps. However, his frustration with these bumps was that they were of the "fools-cne" type, and he yearned to "squeeze." He never had the chance. One day, when his fools-cne was especially prevalent, and most of his blood was tied up in the bumps, he had an erection. The immediate loss of blood to the brain killed him.
It is unfortunate that neither of these deaths received any "honorable mentions" in the Darwin Awards.
It is cases like these that make some people choose to become a dermatologist. They dedicate their lives to destroying acne (mostly by squeezing zits).
A treatment called Accutane, which is basically Chemotherapy for zits, is discouraged, even though it works (???). Minor symptums of accutane are:
1. Really chaped lips. 2. Your face becomes worse, and stays that way until Accutane decides to actually do something. 3. Death.
[edit] Acne in the Media
Since 2003, there has been a momentum building in the media, which centres around various aspects of acne. It began when Oprah did a four-part special, entitled Dealing with Acne. This was quickly followed by a spoof-special on the Conan O'Brien Show, entitled "Acne Sufferers, the Bain of Society". Of course, this triggered a massive wave reality shows (just about anything stupid will trigger this). These included Survivor, Volcano Face, ', and Largest Acne Bump in the World.
