Accountant

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“Fuck Accountants!”
~ Institute of Actuaries on accountants
“Harsh!”
~ IASB on Actuaries
“Lack a passion and willingness to do something meaningful with your life? Low self-esteem? Or simply talentless? Come join us!”
~ Advertising for the ACCA
“Accountants are modern day wizards, they can genuinely make money up”
~ SEC on accountants in 2000
“We stand corrected”
~ SEC on accountants in 2001
“Unlike lawyers, accountants have some hope of entering heaven, like not much, maybe 5% of them, it is more to reward people for not choosing to be lawyers”
~ Jesus on accountants

Accountants (Ak-koun-tánts - Standard English, Ye Accountant - Olde English, Sátanas - alageasian).

Dictionary Definition of an Accountant

Accountant, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes.The only beings which understand the cost of everything and the value of nothing, one who wishes they were an actuary. If there was a boring Olympics Accountants would win gold.

The Darkness that is Accountancy

Accountants are classified as demons in many religions. The Bible portrays them as rebellious beings who are the enemy of God and mankind - the embodiment of pure evil. As well as the term Accountant, their other guises are:

  • Satan
  • Jeff
  • The Devil
  • Prince of Darkness

Accountants in the Bible

Accountant, or Qualified Accountant, or Professional Accountant, or Accountancy Practitioner, is a certified accountancy and financial expert in the jurisdiction of many countries. Such as other legally-restricted professions including medical doctors and lawyers, different countries have their own training and examination systems to maintain the practice quality and restrict the number of qualified accountants in their jurisdictions.

Accountants originally worked only in public practice, selling advice and services to other individuals and businesses, but today, in addition, many work within private corporations, the financial industry and various government bodies. unusual types of events that are recorded in the general journal are the establishing of a double entry system, the establishing of a double entry system and infrequent credit transactions the installing of a double entry system, infrequent credit transactions and the withdrawing and depositing of assets that are not cash and the the establishing of a double entry system, infrequent credit transactions, withdrawal or contributions of assets other than cash and disposal of non current assets. The establishing of a double entry system, the disposal of non current assets, infrequent credit contributions, the withdrawal and contribution of assets other thn cash into a firm and corrections of errors in the accounting system. In summary, the establishing of a double entry system, infrequent credit transactions, withdrawal of assets other than cash, correcting errors in the accounting system, disposal of non current asset I SAID DISPOSAL OF NON CURRENT ASSET, balance day adjustments and closing of revenue.

Accountancy (profession) or accounting (methodology) is the measurement, disclosure or provision of assurance about financial information that helps managers, investors, tax authorities and other decision makers make resource allocation decisions.

Practitioners of accountancy are known as Accountants. There are many professional bodies for accountants throughout the world, some of them are legally recognized in their jurisdictions. Such as British qualified accountants including Chartered Certified Accountant (ACCA or FCCA) or Chartered Accountant (CA, ACA or FCA), Canadian qualified accountants such as Chartered Accountants and Certified General Accountants (CA or CGA)as well as American qualified accountants such as Certified Public Accountant (CPA).

The Certified Management Accountant (CMA) designation is unusual in the United States in that it does not have a statutory basis. However it is accepted by industry and by its peer associations. In Canada the Canadian CMA designation is recognized under provincial/territorial legislation.

Images of Accountants

Accountants have been depicted in many ways throughout history. A popular image from Greek mythology is of a horned, hoofed goat-like monster holding a calculator. In modern times, the goat-like image of the accountant has been adapted into a more human-looking form of a gray, dull creature armed with a briefcase.

Accountants on rare occasions have been depicted as charming and attractive men, appealing to people's vanity and presenting them with appealing and attractive temptations. This depiction was later discredited as a hoax created by a bunch of people off their tits on crack.

Accountants are made of rain.

Accountants

There are historical records of people worshiping accountants. Of these, some claim that they are real beings, and some view them as a symbol for the rebellious or independent aspects of humanity. Many are members of the Church of Accountancy, which claims exclusive authority concerning Accountancy and its practice. Extremists in the Church of Accountancy believe that the true accountant will one day arrive carrying a stone with stigmata.

The Accountancy - Music Link

Accountants have also featured in modern music. Many rock stars, such as Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden, Metallica, McFly and the Cheeky Girls have recorded songs about Accountancy. Many of Osbourne's albums have criticized Accounting, although some Christian groups have interpreted it as glorification. Iron Maiden voiced their concern over the treatment of deferred taxation under IAS 12 in the song "too much substance over form". The Rolling Stones recorded a song called "Sympathy for Accountants".

The secret life of accountants

Accountants pose as very, very boring people; they sit in the office all day doing a few sums, but they are actually supervillains from a far away planet who pose as accountants in order to not arouse suspicion.

Santa clause has got everyone where he wants them because:

a) He is an accountant b) he is actually a villain.

There have been warnings from the government to be vigilant when opening next years' presents as a few boxes may contain pipe bombs.

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