Accountant

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{{Whoops|boring}}
 
{{Q|Fuck Accountants!|[[Institute of Actuaries]]|accountants}}
 
{{Q|Harsh!|[[IASB]]|Actuaries}}
 
{{Q|Lack a passion and willingness to do something meaningful with your life? Low self-esteem? Or simply talentless? Come join us!|Advertising for the ACCA}}
 
{{Q|Accountants are modern day wizards, they can genuinely make money up|[[SEC]]|accountants in 2000}}
 
{{Q|We stand corrected|[[SEC]]|accountants in 2001}}
 
{{Q|Unlike lawyers, accountants have some hope of entering heaven, like not much, maybe 5% of them, it is more to reward people for not choosing to be lawyers|[[Jesus]]|accountants}}
 
   
'''Accountants''' (''Ak-koun-tánts'' - Standard English, ''Ye Accountant'' - Olde English, ''Sátanas'' - alageasian).
+
[[File:Common stockbroker.png|thumb|right|An accountant after management found that the difference between sum of the left column and the sum of the right column equalled the $100 bills in his back pocket.]]
  +
An '''accountant''' is a [[professional]] who sits in an office all day doing a few sums. Most college students aspire to be accountants, as playing on a computer is cool, though it would be cooler if they paid you to use [[World of Warcraft]] instead of [[Excellent|Excel]].
   
== Dictionary Definition of an Accountant ==
+
College students with physical gifts do not aspire to be accountants, and may wind up hiring a couple. If being boring were an Olympic sport, accountants would always take home the gold.
'''Accountant, n'''. One of the Creator's lamentable [[mistakes]].The only beings which understand the cost of everything and the value of nothing, one who wishes they were an [[actuary]]. If there was a boring Olympics Accountants would win gold.
 
   
== The Darkness that is Accountancy ==
+
== Dictionary definition ==
Accountants are classified as demons in many religions. The [[Bible]] portrays them as rebellious beings who are the enemy of God and mankind - the embodiment of pure evil. As well as the term Accountant, their other guises are:
+
Webster tells us that an accountant "understands the cost of everything and the value of nothing."
   
*Satan
+
[[File:Carrottop-at-2007-all-star-weekend-2-17-07.jpg|thumb|left|Webster (foreground) is not an accountant, but has a few, including the guy in the suit.]]
*[[Jeff]]
+
It is not clear why we should give such credence to Webster, apart from the fact that he has eight accountants working for him: Webster has to go stronger to [[Basketball|the hoop]] and learn to box out his man. At any rate, it is not true that accountants understand the value of nothing. For example, they intimately understand the value of having the total at the bottom of the left-hand column equal the total at the bottom of the right-hand column, just as line employees at [[McDonald's]] understand the value of putting the [[hamburger]] in the [[Styrofoam]] box before handing it to the customer. To mix metaphors, it is their [[bread]] and [[butter]].
*The Devil
 
*Prince of Darkness
 
   
== Accountants in the Bible ==
+
Even the best accountant wishes he were an '''actuary'''. Accountants merely claim to be able to reach an accurate description of the past — and, on the balance sheet, the present. Actuaries claim to be able to capture the future in numbers. That is obviously where the big bucks are. However, many people who use the word "actuary" are merely demonstrating their difficulty with "l" while explaining at a party their complicated new job of junior clerk.
Accountant, or Qualified Accountant, or Professional Accountant, or Accountancy Practitioner, is a certified accountancy and financial expert in the jurisdiction of many countries. Such as other legally-restricted professions including medical doctors and lawyers, different countries have their own training and examination systems to maintain the practice quality and restrict the number of qualified accountants in their jurisdictions.
 
   
Accountants originally worked only in public practice, selling advice and services to other individuals and businesses, but today, in addition, many work within private corporations, the financial industry and various government bodies. unusual types of events that are recorded in the general journal are the establishing of a double entry system, the establishing of a double entry system and infrequent credit transactions the installing of a double entry system, infrequent credit transactions and the withdrawing and depositing of assets that are not cash and the the establishing of a double entry system, infrequent credit transactions, withdrawal or contributions of assets other than cash and disposal of non current assets. The establishing of a double entry system, the disposal of non current assets, infrequent credit contributions, the withdrawal and contribution of assets other thn cash into a firm and corrections of errors in the accounting system. In summary, the establishing of a double entry system, infrequent credit transactions, withdrawal of assets other than cash, correcting errors in the accounting system, disposal of non current asset I SAID DISPOSAL OF NON CURRENT ASSET, balance day adjustments and closing of revenue.
+
== Types of accountancy ==
  +
Accountancy is a '''profession'''. Accountancy is also a '''methodology''', which is the method the members of that profession profess to be doing all day with their heads stuck in those spreadsheets.
   
Accountancy (profession) or accounting (methodology) is the measurement, disclosure or provision of assurance about financial information that helps managers, investors, tax authorities and other decision makers make resource allocation decisions.
+
=== Accounting, the methodology ===
  +
[[File:Adriana Lima 45.jpg|thumb|left|This is not an illustration of methodology (the study of method) but of Adriana Lima, whom I could study all day.]]
  +
The methodology of the profession is to measure, disclose, or provide [[Objectivity|objective]] assurance about financial information. This helps managers, investors, tax authorities, tax dodgers, and other decision-makers and decision-evaders allocate their resources.
   
Practitioners of accountancy are known as Accountants. There are many professional bodies for accountants throughout the world, some of them are legally recognized in their jurisdictions. Such as British qualified accountants including Chartered Certified Accountant (ACCA or FCCA) or Chartered Accountant (CA, ACA or FCA), Canadian qualified accountants such as Chartered Accountants and Certified General Accountants (CA or CGA)as well as American qualified accountants such as Certified Public Accountant (CPA).
+
"Methodology" is a word (adding [[Greek]] -λογία, -logia, to something that wasn't Greek in the first place) meaning the study of method. Methodology, then, is the study of method; or perhaps, to quote [[Wikipedia]], "a pretentious substitute for the word." A lot of people, a lot of whom are pretentious, study the accounting method who personally couldn't add two numbers to save their lives. They are called the Financial Accounting Standards Board. Methodology is distinct from method-ology-ology, the study of the study. Professionals of the latter are called [[Congress]] and cannot tie shoelaces.
   
The Certified Management Accountant (CMA) designation is unusual in the United States in that it does not have a statutory basis. However it is accepted by industry and by its peer associations. In Canada the Canadian CMA designation is recognized under provincial/territorial legislation.
+
Accounting's specific methodology is '''double-entry bookkeeping'''. This embodies the principle that every [[dollar]] amount should appear identically in two columns on the page. Then, once the sum of the left column equals the sum of the right column, the page "proves." (It is the same in the IAS except the amounts are pounds sterling.) "Proving" a page of numbers is like showing your boss a page of COBOL and having him conclude that the program works because a few of the words are [[English]].
   
== Images of Accountants ==
+
The methodology is useful even for non-financial information. Accountancy is required in most legislatures to count votes for or against a proposal, to ensure that the leadership is spared the embarrassment of moving a [[bill]] that is certain to crash and burn. Accountancy is useful in [[farm]]ing, even on the non-financial side of the operation. Contrary to the old [[saw]], successful farmers ''do'' count their chickens before they are hatched. Unhatched chickens, however, are pro-rated. On the other end of the food chain, the same methodology is used in most chicken [[restaurant]]s, even though there is no accounting for [[taste]].
Accountants have been depicted in many ways throughout history. A popular image from Greek mythology is of a horned, hoofed goat-like monster holding a [[calculator]]. In modern times, the goat-like image of the accountant has been adapted into a more human-looking form of a gray, dull creature armed with a briefcase.
 
   
Accountants on rare occasions have been depicted as charming and attractive [[men]], appealing to people's vanity and presenting them with appealing and attractive temptations. This depiction was later discredited as a hoax created by a bunch of people off their [[tits]] on crack.
+
[[Baseball]] is called the sport of accountants because the sporadic real-world excitement is reduced to boring numbers, and because every box score must be "proved." Proving the box score does not prove that it describes what happened; only that it doesn't show ten runs scoring when no one ever reached base. Likewise, the accountant never guarantees that his figures are accurate; only that they are arranged neatly enough to please the FASB. The other, more useful, guarantee requires auditors, which cost extra.
   
Accountants are made of rain.
+
When accountants become [[old]] and no longer able to "prove" a spreadsheet, remedies are available. The most popular of these are [[Whiskey|86 Proof]].
   
== Accountants ==
+
=== Accounting, the profession ===
There are historical records of people worshiping accountants. Of these, some claim that they are real beings, and some view them as a [[symbol]] for the rebellious or independent aspects of humanity. Many are members of the Church of Accountancy, which claims exclusive authority concerning Accountancy and its practice. Extremists in the Church of Accountancy believe that the true accountant will one day arrive carrying a stone with stigmata.
+
[[File:Parrotman01.jpg|thumb|150px|An accountant may be able to advise a client whether to hire an him or buy a parrot. Who's a pretty number cruncher then?]]
  +
An Accountant, or Qualified Accountant, or Professional Accountant, or Certified Public Accountant, or Chartered Accountant, or Accountancy Practitioner, is a certified expert in the laws of many countries. Just as no one but a licensed medical [[doctor]] has the legal ability to set a [[bone]], and no one but a member of the [[Bar]] may legally [[bully]] your neighbors until they sign away their rights, members of these professions have the legal right to exclude others from doing sums for pay.
   
== The Accountancy - Music Link ==
+
Accountants originally worked only in public practice, selling services to individuals and businesses. As the cobbler would hang a shoe outside his shop, the accountant would hang a standard deviation above the front door and place an abacus in the shop window. In these days before the [[computer]], the tool of the trade was ledger paper. This is graph paper in [[Plaid Cymru|plaid]]. It suggests that accounting came from [[Scotland]], though if Scots could count, they might not have joined [[Great Britain]], and there certainly wouldn't be all those undrunk pints on the bar at closing time.
Accountants have also featured in modern music. Many rock stars, such as Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden, Metallica, McFly and the [[Cheeky Girls]] have recorded songs about Accountancy. Many of Osbourne's albums have criticized [[Accounting]], although some Christian groups have interpreted it as glorification. Iron Maiden voiced their concern over the treatment of deferred taxation under IAS 12 in the song "too much substance over form". The Rolling Stones recorded a song called "Sympathy for Accountants".
 
   
== The secret life of accountants ==
+
Today, many accountants also work in corporations and government. They get a predictable paycheck every two weeks just for studying and reciting the corporate policy manual. They never get a bonus, and they never forget it. They know that the only people less likely to move up to the executive suite are manufacturing supervisors. Corporate accountants all believe that any rulebook could be better if it were twice as big, and that everyone would keep making the same amount of money every two weeks. That is, they have all forgotten their roots, and nearly all are ready for a career change into elective [[politics]].
Accountants pose as very, very boring people; they sit in the office all day doing a few sums, but they are actually supervillains from a far away planet who pose as accountants in order to not arouse suspicion.
 
   
Santa clause has got everyone where he wants them because:
+
[[File:Ties.jpg|thumb|left|The tools of the accounting profession come in varieties suitable for any context.]]
  +
Corporate accountants busy themselves learning rulebooks such as those of the Financial Accounting Standards Board (FASB), including monthly addenda, and wrestling with ponderous questions such as whether that new dollop of cash is properly credited to [[March]] or to [[April]]; and when the company loses money again this year, whether to call it a "non-recurring event" or an "adjustment to reserves" or a transfer from paid-up capital to Thin Air.
   
a) He is an accountant
+
In the [[United States]], the Certified Management Accountant (CMA) title uniquely has no statutory basis. This means that [[American]]s can do cipherin' for pay and will not necessarily go to prison. However, anyone who gives them the pay may go to debtors' prison, when the stockholders sue for putting the books in the hands of someone who is not a member of the Guild. Individuals in this profession so signify by saying, "Ah reckon."
b) he is actually a villain.
 
   
There have been warnings from the government to be vigilant when opening next years' presents as a few boxes may contain pipe bombs.
+
=== Accounting in the Top 40 ===
  +
Accountants have figured into modern [[music]], as the record labels believe it will sell better than lyrics that depend on less familiar themes such as [[sex]] and [[drugs]]. Many rock stars, such as [[Ozzy Osbourne]], [[Iron Maiden]], [[Noise|Metallica]], [[Twats|McFly]] and the [[Cheeky girls|Cheeky Girls]] have recorded [[song]]s about accountancy. Many of Osbourne's albums have criticized accounting, although some [[Christian]] groups see it as glorification. Iron Maiden voiced their concern over the treatment of deferred taxation under IAS 12 in the song ''Too Much Substance over Form.'' The [[Rolling Stones]] once recorded a song called ''Sympathy for the Accountant.''
   
== See Also ==
+
== Accountants in religions ==
*[[Baby Eating]]
+
Accountants are classified as demons in many religions: major enough to eat men's souls, but without fully grown horns or cloven hooves. The [[Bible]] portrays them as rebellious beings who are the enemy of [[God]] and man. A splinter sect called the Church of Accountancy believes that, one day, the true accountant will arrive, carrying a stone with stigmata, or at least a spreadsheet that proves on the first try.
*[[Accounting]]
 
*[[Satan]]
 
*[[Suicide]]
 
   
  +
Accountants have been depicted in many ways throughout history. A popular image from Greek mythology is of a horned, hoofed, goat-like monster holding a [[calculator]]. In modern times, the goat-like image of the accountant has been adapted into a more human-looking form of a gray, dull creature armed with a briefcase.
  +
  +
==Other accountants==
  +
[[File:AccountingTillTen.jpg|thumb|right|260px|The [[Chicago]] gangsters had to fund their exploits somehow.]]
  +
In [[Britain]], a Lord-wannabee who has not achieved the noble title of [[Count]] is often described as a-countant. Currently, everyone in [[UK Government|Her Majesty's Cabinet]] is a-countant, and no one is accountant, which may account for the nation's fiscal performance, as few are even accountable. Lord Wannabee himself has promised to bring a-countability to [[Parliament|Westminster]]'s upper chamber, the House of Wannabees.
  +
  +
Across the [[water]], an accountant is also a sheet of canvas suspended by poles to shelter the livestock. The use of these devices, which the pioneers simplified to 'cowtents, was seen in ''How the West Was Won,'' one of [[Hollywood]]'s early celebrations of the [[animal rights]] movement. When the [[Indian|Injuns]] went on the warpath, the pioneers "circled the wagons" for safety, after circling the 'cowtents proved unacceptable to moviegoers. However, the producers of ''Three Amigos'' as well as the three ''[[Atlas Shrugged]]'' movies did circle the accountants to hide behind them.
  +
  +
== See also ==
  +
*[[Objectivity]]
  +
*[[Stockbroker]]
  +
{{FA|date=15 April 2014|revision=5787989}}
 
[[Category:Occupations]]
 
[[Category:Occupations]]
[[Category:Monsters]]
+
[[Category:People who could benefit from getting laid more often]]

Latest revision as of 03:02, July 3, 2014

Common stockbroker

An accountant after management found that the difference between sum of the left column and the sum of the right column equalled the $100 bills in his back pocket.

An accountant is a professional who sits in an office all day doing a few sums. Most college students aspire to be accountants, as playing on a computer is cool, though it would be cooler if they paid you to use World of Warcraft instead of Excel.

College students with physical gifts do not aspire to be accountants, and may wind up hiring a couple. If being boring were an Olympic sport, accountants would always take home the gold.

edit Dictionary definition

Webster tells us that an accountant "understands the cost of everything and the value of nothing."

Carrottop-at-2007-all-star-weekend-2-17-07

Webster (foreground) is not an accountant, but has a few, including the guy in the suit.

It is not clear why we should give such credence to Webster, apart from the fact that he has eight accountants working for him: Webster has to go stronger to the hoop and learn to box out his man. At any rate, it is not true that accountants understand the value of nothing. For example, they intimately understand the value of having the total at the bottom of the left-hand column equal the total at the bottom of the right-hand column, just as line employees at McDonald's understand the value of putting the hamburger in the Styrofoam box before handing it to the customer. To mix metaphors, it is their bread and butter.

Even the best accountant wishes he were an actuary. Accountants merely claim to be able to reach an accurate description of the past — and, on the balance sheet, the present. Actuaries claim to be able to capture the future in numbers. That is obviously where the big bucks are. However, many people who use the word "actuary" are merely demonstrating their difficulty with "l" while explaining at a party their complicated new job of junior clerk.

edit Types of accountancy

Accountancy is a profession. Accountancy is also a methodology, which is the method the members of that profession profess to be doing all day with their heads stuck in those spreadsheets.

edit Accounting, the methodology

Adriana Lima 45

This is not an illustration of methodology (the study of method) but of Adriana Lima, whom I could study all day.

The methodology of the profession is to measure, disclose, or provide objective assurance about financial information. This helps managers, investors, tax authorities, tax dodgers, and other decision-makers and decision-evaders allocate their resources.

"Methodology" is a word (adding Greek -λογία, -logia, to something that wasn't Greek in the first place) meaning the study of method. Methodology, then, is the study of method; or perhaps, to quote Wikipedia, "a pretentious substitute for the word." A lot of people, a lot of whom are pretentious, study the accounting method who personally couldn't add two numbers to save their lives. They are called the Financial Accounting Standards Board. Methodology is distinct from method-ology-ology, the study of the study. Professionals of the latter are called Congress and cannot tie shoelaces.

Accounting's specific methodology is double-entry bookkeeping. This embodies the principle that every dollar amount should appear identically in two columns on the page. Then, once the sum of the left column equals the sum of the right column, the page "proves." (It is the same in the IAS except the amounts are pounds sterling.) "Proving" a page of numbers is like showing your boss a page of COBOL and having him conclude that the program works because a few of the words are English.

The methodology is useful even for non-financial information. Accountancy is required in most legislatures to count votes for or against a proposal, to ensure that the leadership is spared the embarrassment of moving a bill that is certain to crash and burn. Accountancy is useful in farming, even on the non-financial side of the operation. Contrary to the old saw, successful farmers do count their chickens before they are hatched. Unhatched chickens, however, are pro-rated. On the other end of the food chain, the same methodology is used in most chicken restaurants, even though there is no accounting for taste.

Baseball is called the sport of accountants because the sporadic real-world excitement is reduced to boring numbers, and because every box score must be "proved." Proving the box score does not prove that it describes what happened; only that it doesn't show ten runs scoring when no one ever reached base. Likewise, the accountant never guarantees that his figures are accurate; only that they are arranged neatly enough to please the FASB. The other, more useful, guarantee requires auditors, which cost extra.

When accountants become old and no longer able to "prove" a spreadsheet, remedies are available. The most popular of these are 86 Proof.

edit Accounting, the profession

Parrotman01

An accountant may be able to advise a client whether to hire an him or buy a parrot. Who's a pretty number cruncher then?

An Accountant, or Qualified Accountant, or Professional Accountant, or Certified Public Accountant, or Chartered Accountant, or Accountancy Practitioner, is a certified expert in the laws of many countries. Just as no one but a licensed medical doctor has the legal ability to set a bone, and no one but a member of the Bar may legally bully your neighbors until they sign away their rights, members of these professions have the legal right to exclude others from doing sums for pay.

Accountants originally worked only in public practice, selling services to individuals and businesses. As the cobbler would hang a shoe outside his shop, the accountant would hang a standard deviation above the front door and place an abacus in the shop window. In these days before the computer, the tool of the trade was ledger paper. This is graph paper in plaid. It suggests that accounting came from Scotland, though if Scots could count, they might not have joined Great Britain, and there certainly wouldn't be all those undrunk pints on the bar at closing time.

Today, many accountants also work in corporations and government. They get a predictable paycheck every two weeks just for studying and reciting the corporate policy manual. They never get a bonus, and they never forget it. They know that the only people less likely to move up to the executive suite are manufacturing supervisors. Corporate accountants all believe that any rulebook could be better if it were twice as big, and that everyone would keep making the same amount of money every two weeks. That is, they have all forgotten their roots, and nearly all are ready for a career change into elective politics.

Ties

The tools of the accounting profession come in varieties suitable for any context.

Corporate accountants busy themselves learning rulebooks such as those of the Financial Accounting Standards Board (FASB), including monthly addenda, and wrestling with ponderous questions such as whether that new dollop of cash is properly credited to March or to April; and when the company loses money again this year, whether to call it a "non-recurring event" or an "adjustment to reserves" or a transfer from paid-up capital to Thin Air.

In the United States, the Certified Management Accountant (CMA) title uniquely has no statutory basis. This means that Americans can do cipherin' for pay and will not necessarily go to prison. However, anyone who gives them the pay may go to debtors' prison, when the stockholders sue for putting the books in the hands of someone who is not a member of the Guild. Individuals in this profession so signify by saying, "Ah reckon."

edit Accounting in the Top 40

Accountants have figured into modern music, as the record labels believe it will sell better than lyrics that depend on less familiar themes such as sex and drugs. Many rock stars, such as Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden, Metallica, McFly and the Cheeky Girls have recorded songs about accountancy. Many of Osbourne's albums have criticized accounting, although some Christian groups see it as glorification. Iron Maiden voiced their concern over the treatment of deferred taxation under IAS 12 in the song Too Much Substance over Form. The Rolling Stones once recorded a song called Sympathy for the Accountant.

edit Accountants in religions

Accountants are classified as demons in many religions: major enough to eat men's souls, but without fully grown horns or cloven hooves. The Bible portrays them as rebellious beings who are the enemy of God and man. A splinter sect called the Church of Accountancy believes that, one day, the true accountant will arrive, carrying a stone with stigmata, or at least a spreadsheet that proves on the first try.

Accountants have been depicted in many ways throughout history. A popular image from Greek mythology is of a horned, hoofed, goat-like monster holding a calculator. In modern times, the goat-like image of the accountant has been adapted into a more human-looking form of a gray, dull creature armed with a briefcase.

edit Other accountants

AccountingTillTen

The Chicago gangsters had to fund their exploits somehow.

In Britain, a Lord-wannabee who has not achieved the noble title of Count is often described as a-countant. Currently, everyone in Her Majesty's Cabinet is a-countant, and no one is accountant, which may account for the nation's fiscal performance, as few are even accountable. Lord Wannabee himself has promised to bring a-countability to Westminster's upper chamber, the House of Wannabees.

Across the water, an accountant is also a sheet of canvas suspended by poles to shelter the livestock. The use of these devices, which the pioneers simplified to 'cowtents, was seen in How the West Was Won, one of Hollywood's early celebrations of the animal rights movement. When the Injuns went on the warpath, the pioneers "circled the wagons" for safety, after circling the 'cowtents proved unacceptable to moviegoers. However, the producers of Three Amigos as well as the three Atlas Shrugged movies did circle the accountants to hide behind them.

edit See also

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