Accordion

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“An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.”
~ Ambrose Bierce on the Accordion

Accordion is a book in the Bible located in the Old Testament, just after Job but before Deuteronomy. It is the third longest book of the Bible, after Psalms and Finnegan's Wake.

Accordion relays the story of how God came down to Earth from Finland and saw that His people were building false images to their other idols, Christina Aguilera and Anne Widdecombe. In a fit of rage, he launches into a stern tirade against the state of modern music, literature, politics, and then he gets off track and rails against the evils of centaurs, Iceland and Microsoft.

In sorrow, the Jews repent of their evil ways and promise the Lord that they will not do it again. God sends them to bed without desert, and transmogrifies back up to Iceland. The next morning, however, God comes back down after regretting that he may have been too strict, only to find that they are now worshipping David Bowie. God becomes furious at everybody and proceeds to invent the mad scientist Victor Frankenstein to create a musical intrument that will create a sound so pleasing, everybody will turn from their false idols and God will once again reign at the top of the pop charts.

Frankenstein, however, creates the accordion, a device so hideously mangled that it was described by Roger Ebert, who at the time was still a music critic, as "a ghoulish grab bag of torture and morbid curiosity." Julius Caesar stated "It's like a chariot crash. Actually, no, it's worse than a chariot crash, because you can't even get insurance out of an accordion."

Several people began to doubt God's powers, and the first atheist was born, and promptly stoned.

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