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“I was disquallified for zipping the math and zop the economizaps in zoobity zop quiz”
“How come asians always get the highest scores?”
“There are nerds here”
Academic Decathlon is an inter-parallel-universe competition between genetically engineered nerds from the many parallel forms of the United States. It hosts 42 events that include chemistry, art, quantum mechanics, and the crowd favorite: Nerd Gangfight. The last event has led to multiple deaths and the use of an atomic bomb on California for winning too much. The top score in the competition is 10,000 but this has only been achieved by Albert Einstein when he competed in 1984 and Chuck Norris in 1991. Normal human beings can only ever hope to score OVER 9000!
Acadec, as it is most usually called, was the brainchild of Dr. Robert Peterson and a time traveling Abraham Lincoln. The two decided that high school nerds needed a mechanism of annihilating in competition another human being to improve their self-esteem. Because mildly athletic students would crush physically atrophied geeks in mortal combat, Honest Time-Traveling Abe suggested that they include subjects that would scare away the average adolescent, like math. Dr. Peterson agreed, and Abe entered a portal to assist Jesus in fighting World War III.
Significant Events in Acadec History
1853 - Demidec Dan and Abraham Lincoln brought the first alpacas to North America
2042 - Founding of Decathlon, Dr. Jonathan Peterson warped back to 1924 by Lincoln to begin competitions.
1927 - Adolf Hitler and Albert Einstein were both on the same AD team as varsities. After Einstein got first and Hitler got second at regionals, states, and nationals(in spite of the non-existence of the national level at the time), Hitler spent World War II trying to kill Einstein but shot himself in 1945 when he failed. Also on the Academic Decathlon team at the time was Ludwig Josef Johann Wittgenstein who was one of those super-honors who gets medals in and trophies in everything while maintaining over a 4 GPA. Adolf, Ludwig, and Albert were all roommates at the national competition. Albert and Ludwig were quite displeased that Adolf always wanted to go to bed a 7:30 to make sure he would be able to Wake up at 3:00 in the morning to do emergency cramming. His annoying sleep patterns made it difficult for Albert and Ludwig to play X-box all night and survive the following day of red bull and Marshmallows. On their last night, Lugwig and Albert stuck Adolf's hand in warm water. This made a very humorous plane ride back home to Austria.
1994 - DemiDec Dan, one of the patron saints of Decathlon, was the first human to score OVER 9000 and was allowed to enter mortal combat with Chuck Norris. Knowingly making one of the greatest mistakes of his life, he agreed. It is rumored Jesus allowed himself to get killed again while blocking one of Chuck's roundhouse kicks in order to protect Dan on the bequest of his buddy Lincoln. Lincoln's motivations in the matter remain unknown. Upon his certain defeat, Dan was spared by the mighty Chuck who forgave him because of his prodigal skill in flashcard ninjitsu.
2008 - Through the premonitions granted by a particular quote in a resource guide, a 2nd year competitor from New York managed to equip the weapons now known as "guns for hands" in the Nerd Gangfight Event. Although the oracle of the quote is not known (to the guy writing this article, who would really appreciate a clarification) his influence on the gladiatorial contest is epic. The New Yorker managed to single-handedly decimate an entire team from the state of Orange. His scores in the written part suffered accordingly, as he consistently set his scantron sheets on fire with his laser beam target designators.
2009 - Galactic Overlord Kris "Sank the Tank" Sankaran rips the heads off of all by scoring a record 9,461 points in the California Academic Decathlon. The planets realign in order to assess his needs of glory.
2011 - Planking becomes an official event and a monster score of 9,894 is accomplished by John Goodman from the Pennsylvania team, setting the bar for all future competitors. California's Stephen Hawking came very close with a score of 9,600, but due to USAD rules, handicapped people cannot exceed a 9,600 point range.
- Math Events: 42 Theory, Fractal Annihilation, Algebra I-IIII, Random BS, Quantum Mechanics, Geometry, Logs, Cutting Logs, Building Log Cabins, Functions, Calculator Operation, Dynamic Fail, Math-urbating, and Newtonian Super-Calculus. Math tests hold the current record for number of head aspolsions during any event, including head asploding.
- Art Events: coloring, finger painting, and pinch-pot molding.
- Language Events: Essay, Lang & Lit, Espanol, Frances, Canadian, Geek, 1337-sp33k, and Klingon. Every major winner since 2001 has been a Trekkie, or just has no life.
- Economics Events: Micro/Macro/Ubermicro and pretending to accomplish important legislation.
- Music Events: Hendrix Impersonation and de-metaphorizng Pink Floyd songs.
- Science Events: Gnome Theory (see Physics), Chemistry, quantum mechanics, Evolutionary Biology, and spontaneous head asplosion.
- Super Quiz: usually a very obscure topic that puts decathletes off guard. Competitors are given a series of 5 questions with 7 seconds to answer each. Failure to get over five correct results in death or optional humiliation by peers. Followed by death.
- Mortal Peril: Speech, Interview, Nerd Gangfight, QWOPing, Desk Pressing, Sautering, head asploding, Glasses taping, Planking, pocket protectoring, and social interaction. (Has a suicide rate of 99.98%)
- Non-Perilous: none.
There are several thousands of ways in which decathletes can prepare for the competition. All of them are strongly reccommended to new team members, however none of them are effective. So far only one form of preperation has been shown to actually yield an increase in scores whereas all others are more likely to cause head asplosion
Studying more is the result of having studied for a period of time, and then afterwards studying more. Famous examples of studying more include when a certain anonymous man spent an hour studying, and then proceeded to study for one hour more.
Practical Applications of Studying More
- Several experiments have shown that approximatly 100% of the time studying more will always increase a student's score, in all other case score was apparently lower.
- Reports have shown that the only way a decathlete can score OVER 9000 in the competition is by studying more. Generally this requires a student to travel back in time after receiving a score under 9000, and then studying more.
Risks and Limits of Studying More
- Most doctors agree that excessive amounts of studying more can result in hunger, loss of weight, matter, and friends, as well as death or even Epic Fail.
- Though little testing has been made upon the subject, most professionals agree that after studying for infinity hours it will no longer be possible to study more; if a further increase in score is needed even after this point you are recommended to study in several dimensions at once, thus studying more within this limited time frame. Another common solution is to study more efficiently.
Throwing Under the Bus
In order for power-hungry future dictators to throw other decathletes who under their current path will become competing dictators it becomes necessary to "throw them under the bus." This is done to break their spirit so that the other future-dictator will serve as a servant general who gets tried for war crimes when his regime fails. In AD, "throwing under the bus" refers to both the literal action and the metaphorical action, should that metaphorical action be setting on fire, shooting with lazor beams, blowing up, or any other possibility of undermining another decathlete. The following nouns have been thrown under the bus: Alexander Shepard, Benedict Arnold, Otto Strasser, Oscar Wilde, Alexander Shepard, Zeno, Trotsky, Ween, All Kinds of Cake, Cheesecake, Aristotle, Whitey Tighties, Alexander Shepard, This Section of the Article, Alexander Shepard and many others (read: Alexander Shepard, known lunatic at '07, '08, and '09 Nationals).