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Abstract Expressionism is the best kind of art ever created, if you hate art. The Abstract Expressionist art movement was started by this one violent drunk many moons ago when he accidentally defecated all over his bed sheets one night, then squirted catsup and mustard all over the faeces because he thought he was being funny, and then hung the soiled fabric on a clothesline. In a matter of days, that disgusting bed sheet was displayed in a local art museum and pretentious art fags couldn't stay away. One such prick was art critic Robert Coates, who first coined the phrase Abstract Expressionism to describe that garbage.
Abstract = doesn't look like anything. Expressionism = serves no purpose.
After The War Against Terror was won by the United States in 1921, a new art movement arose in one of those European countries where everyone is gay and they wear little hats. This new art movement sought to destroy fine art while giving nothing back in return asides from expensive bronze coated feces in the place of once fine works of art. It was known as Dada, named after its founder, David Alan Grier. Dada kicked everyone's asses and successfully destroyed art forever. The end?
A World Without Art
After the destruction of art, things were going great. Television and cinema production exploded in popularity, and abandoned art museums were converted into Wal-Marts. Unfortunately, the death of art caused sales of fancy caffeinated beverages and berets to plummet, leading to The Great Depression. One such "artist" who was adversely affected by The Great Depression was Jackson Michael, a local Catholic priest. He hit the bottle pretty hard and developed a nasty case of Alcoholism. One night, he accidentally stained his bed sheet, as was previously mentioned, and Abstract Expressionism was born!
Artists everywhere picked up their dust-covered paint brushes and pallettes and set out to begin making pretty pictures once again! Unfortunately, they all forgot how to paint and were only able to slather random, brightly-colored shapes and lines on canvasses. But being a professional artist is only partially about talent, as we shall soon see...
Technically, Abstract Expressionism is a random, pointless application of paint and other artistic media to a canvas or a piece of paper or whatever. Anyone reading this right now has the power to become an Abstract Expressionist artist. Any and all physical and mental handicaps cannot possibly hinder the output of an Abstract Expressionist. In fact, many handicaps may help accentuate your artistic creations! Try wearing a blindfold - it could be fun.
There are two main schools of influence that have been linked to Abstract Expressionism:
- The animal kingdom. Many abstract expressionists look to the works of Surapa, the elephant that can paint, for inspiration. In addition, the bower bird is noted for its ability to construct temporary dwellings made out of colorful shit in order to get laid. Abstract expressionists are not nearly as talented as bower birds, but they also create art in an attempt to get laid.
- Children. Abstract expressionists have great difficulty advancing their artistic skills beyond the childhood level. At an early age, we all make a mess with paint and crayons, if just for fun. Abstract Expressionists continue this process, but try to make money doing it. Many abstract expressionists have the gall to claim that a child could never produce artwork like Jackson Michael. They are wrong. Children produce museum-quality abstract expressionism artwork everyday.
WOW. HOLD ON. CHILDREN ARE LEGIT INFLUENCES. NO BAGGIN OF CHILDREN.
Art schools all around the world are home to massive numbers of Abstract Expressionists at all times. This can be attributed to the fact that art schools are nothing like the real world. Visiting any given art school, one is bound to stumble upon many student paintings littering the hallways. These "works of art" are generally messy and drab, with no aesthetically pleasing quality. The Abstract Expressionist student may make one of the following artistic statements about her work:
- "This painting reflects the mood I was in at the time. I was depressed and my significant other broke up with me and I was listening to The Cure non-stop."
- "I feel that there is too much injustice and suffering in the world. This painting is dedicated to freeing Tibet and Mumia and ending discrimination forever."
- "Duuuh...me like to paint wit my fingers. It's the funnest!"
- "In order to meet the deadline of this project, I quickly slapped some paint on the canvas and formulated a bunch of conceptual bullshit to justify its existence. So in actuality, this painting is meaningless and terrible; but as the artist, I say that every brush stroke has a meaning and some people are simply too ignorant to understand this."
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