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“I'd rather have David Walliams fuck me in the ass and make me scream my name until I go to west vagina (Ahem I mean virginia).”
Aberystwyth or "Abewystwyt" is a town in Mid-Wales just south of the great city of Borth. It is often considered a suburb or satellite of Borth by the casual Welsh enthusiast, but in recent times Aberystwyth has been steadily gaining an identity of its own.
History of Aberystwyth
Aberystwyth was founded in 1089 by the Queen of Whales as a place to put old hospitals, and other assorted ugly buildings, once they had exceeded their useful lives. The town has grown rapidly since its establishment, but has been overshadowed by the growing metropolis of Borth. Aberystwyth gained its Royal Charter in 1277 when it received the royal seal of Prince Edward the unimpressive and his lovely wife Princess Sophie of Gurn. The seal allowed residents to burn furniture on the beach and marry close relatives, previously a secretive but widespread pastime. The seal died in 1280.
The last King of Aberystwyth was "Tom the misguided", who was overthrown in early 2000 by a popular revolt which saw the abolition of the monarchy and the creation of the People's republic of Aberystwyth. The status of republic was enshrined in Article 1(a) of the Constitution adopted at the Lledrod Convention, which also saw planning permission given for the Ystumtuen Bypass. As a result, Councillor Eric Griffiths was elevated to the position of Dictator General and given the keys to the Head of State's palace.
The Great War of Borth
In December 2007, the International Politics Department of the University declared war on Borth. This lead to militant Welsh Nationalists taking control of Constitution Hill and bombarding The University buildings with shoes and farming journals. Prominent leaders of the department were taken hostage by the Welsh redshirts and subjected to torturous speeches by Michael Winner. On February 29th 2008, a rescue operation was carried out by an elite taskforce. The attempt to free the hostages from their holding pen at the Borth Animalarium was thwarted by a pack of wild ponies.
The oldest of the hospitals was converted into “The National Library of Wales”, while the biggest was converted into The University of Wales, Aberystwyth. The people of Aberystwyth have found many another uses for the hospitals including halls of residence for the students of the university. As a reward for caring for the hospitals, the town of Aberystwyth was given an old (but not quite defunct) hospital, which takes pride of place in its collection. It is the current only working hospital, called “Bronglais” (being Welsh for bruised breast), after the 80s singer.
Aberystwyth became host town for the National Library of Wales by default, as it is the only library in Wales. Regenerated from the grandest hospital, originally built in 52 AD by Marco Shishkebab, the library has 2 sections: Agriculture and Fishing, and Recreation. Agriculture and Fishing has as many as 40 books including a wide and varied selection on natural resource and a definitive section on sheep farming. The new recreation section has nearly 10 books including 'what to do as a shepherd who's lost his welly-boots', 'rugby' (all 4 editions), 'a definitive look at the sport rugby through the ages', and a collection of smut.
Aberystwyth was chosen as the location of the first University in Wales due to the number of defunct hospital buildings and the proximity of the National Library of Wales. This has had a large impact on the town, bringing with it increased revenue and creating as many as nine jobs.
The University has a burgeoning student populace of almost 10,000,000,000 students, none of whom ever leave the town. The sheer number of students has lead to the rise of both of Aberystwyth's industries: one cleans puke off of pavements while the other vends junk food. The two industries are heavily integrated and operate a very successful recycling programme between them.
As well as the students the University appears to have attracted a conspicuously large collection of the strange substance administratium, which while heavy does very little but prevent activities from taking place.
The main pastime for the local youths is patrolling the barren streets of the town in their parents' cars. They will often stop, and stand around outside the cars. This is because none of them have yet worked out the way out of the town's one way system. The local charity MWNTS (Motorised Wanderers for New Traffic Systems) has campaigned, but so far failed to raise adequate funds to fix this problem.
The pastimes of the average wheel-less biped in Aberystwyth include walking very slowly around the town in an attempt to slow down people who are in a hurry, and standing in doorways to block access to shops or pubs (although most of the town's pubs ran away in 1945 when Brian Blessed piped them into the hills).
There is also a local custom known as 'kicking the bar'. In short, this involves walking the promenade and then physically kicking the railing found to the extreme north end underneath Constitution Hill. Local legend has it that strong man Raymond 'Truck' Evans once kicked the bar so hard that half of Constitution Hill fell into the sea. Revisionists see this interpretation of the custom as incorrect, arguing that the term derives from a famous historical conflict between the Billy Goats Gruff and local Ringo Starr impersonator Amy Brown.
Aberystwyth is home to an active society of Live Action Role Players, ape-like creatures who spend a lot of time in loin cloths, hitting each other with sticks and grunting. It is a little-known fact that this society is actually a front for a paranormal being regulation agency, which so far has prevented 3 separate invasions of zombies, demons and Emo-kids and continues to do so under the elaborate cover of nerdy students hitting each other with sticks.
Whereas some may say that Cymdeithas yr Iaith is the most famous society to have its origins in Aberystwyth, in the hearts and minds of the majority, the Foundation for Ethical, Liberal and Community Happiness (FELCH) lays a greater claim to this title.
It is also rumoured that Aberystwyth is the home of the fabled Ceredigion Halls Vomiting Society. CeriVomSoc was, supposedly, once the most outrageous drinking club on earth, it is said that it died out after recruitment problems caused death by alcohol poisoning and senior members were picked off by liver cancer.
Since the end of the first great empire of humanity (1919), it has been reported that at times of great danger, a race of half human, half (gay)robots appear under the banner of the IKPS ( Interestingly kinky People Society). These decendents of the first empire embroil themselves in debate, real games of risk, and other kinky activities involving whips, chains and the audio of 'Sixteen Tons' by Tennessee Ford. Rumour has it that the blitzkreig invasion of Cardiff (October 2009), involving the creation of the 'mini bank' and the abduction of a Welsh relic of the former empire known only by the code name TARDIS was organised by the Society.
Since the nightclub Pier Pressure was bombed by The Irish lead by Ger O'Gorman in 1954, the only form of nightlife in the town is in the form of an old decommissioned oil rig. This magnificent platform (previously called Piper Alpha) is located 5 miles off the coast - originally positioned so as to deceive visitors into believing that Aberystwyth was oil rich. Patrons are ferried out to the structure by speedboat and then given a true red carpet welcome. The Nighclub venue is split over three floors and prides itself on rolling out the red carpet. It was renamed "Cheesy Ken's" in 1985; a name which remains to the present day. The club is now open 18 days a week.
For the dregs of society, 'Bar Why Not' (or to those who know it too well, Yokos) offers many delights. The ambiance is sophisticated and charming; evident from the plush leather sofas and moist walls.
Aberystwyth is the home of one of Wales' most respected and thought-provoking weekly newspapers; the Cambrian News, the publication is known for its detailed focus on local news stories (be it rape, murder, serious fraud or terrorism).
The newspaper is currently recovering from a recent scandal in which it incorrectly reported the death of local legend Johnny Holly. Soon afterwards, Holly was spotted ordering batterbits at a local chippie and talking in the doorway of Cyril's stores. A dramatic retraction of the story was issued by the paper and the editor was thrown into the sea as an offering to Cthulhu.
Costa Coffee Controversy
In February 2008 Aberystwyth was invaded by Costa Rica, the initial invasion (similar to the Borth D-Day landings) was repelled by locals and employees of independent cafes driving 'pimped' Saxos and Corsas whilst playing techno music so loudly that the Costa Ricans' ears began to bleed. They took refuge in Sports World, where they reduced all stock to clear and begun to grow cannabis in the loft. Once they had perfected an intricate distillation process, they began to sell 'Special Brew' fair trade coffee to the locals. This brew is noted for its delicate aroma and nuances, although many still prefer the traditional tastes lent by the blood, sweat and tears of underpaid 3rd world labourers.
In response to the ongoing oppression of local businesses by Costa Coffee, a facebook group has been created . This group highlights the seriousness of the situation and provides a serious forum for serious debate about the severity of these serious happenings.
According to recent unconfirmed reports from the Rockstar and Rockstar North Corporations the all encompassing creators of the 18 rated, highly successful and influential Grand Theft Auto are said to be in midst of creating and developing their fifth three dimensional instalment of the franchise. It has also been suspected that Aberystwyth, the great metropolis of Borth and numerous sheep and cattle will be the main focal points for the story and locations. In early 2009, developers and researchers from Rockstar arrived in the suburb of Aberystwyth to begin laying the ground work for the future title. They interviewed many of the inhabitants; the secret millionaire loiterer outside Big Spar, the Cat Man, Pier Guy, the Nikki Sixx lookalike runner up of 1986 and the girls of Scholars. So far we have received a drip feed of information regarding characters and plots but we now know that these famous Aber characters will feature as part of the overall storyline.
A leaked source reveals a supposed storyline: You are a student, after having failed your final year exams and dissertation are forced to look for work to maintain yourself whilst you await the beginning of the next year in order to retake course and resit the year. Along the way, the Aber trains known for their unreliability are stopped due to a terrorist attack which destroys the tracks leading out of Aberystwyth. This is intensified with a cordon on all roads leaving Aber. In gameplay should you decide to breach the cordon you get four stars. Additionally the wanted system has been revamped. 1 Star will be gained for a simple offence such the punching, smacking, glassing or bricking of the AI characters or police officers. 2 Stars will be gained through the use of weapons which will include full bore shotguns, catapults, switch blades, shears nail files. More advanced weaponry enters the game as you progress. 3 Stars will gained from a collection of these offence followed up with vehicle theft which include anything from sheep to tractors to the high performance uninsurable chav mobiles. 4 Star wanted levels will introduce the slightly pissed off police. As they chase round the Aber to Borth bends they shout over loud speaker 'Pull over your vehicle boyo, go on please... McDonalds is closing...If you pull over we'll get you a McFlurry.' (McDonalds is an optional job for the player; Mc Job Mc Occupation with a Mc Pension).
For 9 months of the year, every year, an unusually large number of young quasi-adults swarm to Aberystwyth for the mating season. Over the course of this period, various alcoholic liquids and beverages are drunk; ostensibly to aid in the mating process.
Mating rituals take the form of sessions called 'lectures' and 'seminars' and those young people who do not mate well enough during these sessions die at the age of 21. Those who mate with a certain degree of success do not produce offspring but rather are reborn at the end of their 3 year mating period. The rebirth provides a new glossy coat which shines through after the sick has been washed off. This glossy coat is the sign that the young person has come of age and is now capable of making real babies. This is probably because the special liquids made the process of mating easier, but the process of producing offspring more difficult.
Pestilent scourges come and go; the Bionic Plague, the Portuguese Influenza and the Red Cockerel epidemic. But this unscrupulous monstrosity has plagued the once peaceful seaside town of Aberystwyth for decades now with absolutely no signs of stopping.
The Walrus has been on the wrong side of the authorities ever since it introduced a previously unknown venereal disease into the waters of the Irish Sea. The discovery and the transmission of The Walrusmans' Curse to humankind can be credited to a Mr Richard Pearson of Waun Fawr. The Walrus is also legendary for its inscrutable and uncontrollable left handed finger gropes.
This experimental Walrus found its way into the record books in 2009 with its latest attempt to loose 67% of its flab from its hind quarters. It lost 4008kg in the first three months from utilising a modified liposuction device known as the I.L.E.A., the Industrial Lard Extraction Appliance, initially used for oil exploration by British Petroleum in the seas off southern Argentina.
The Aberystwyth Spring
After many years of suffering from the destructive activities of The Walrus the residents of Aberystwyth took to the streets in January 2012. The protests have continued; smearings of fish paste in Borth and Clarach in attempts to lure The Walrus into a trap have been commonplace but so far unsuccessful. Pier Street and Great Darkgate Street have seen the worst of the riots with several shop windows smashed in response to shop owners giving into The Walrus' unrelenting avarice.
Ty Coc Oen Prison
Constructed in 1961 in Llanbadarn, before Aberystwyth was credited as being a town, Ty Coc Oen was the place where vagrants and criminals were held before their trials at the hamlet's wallaby court. It later fell into the greasy hands of a Mr Richard "Donkey" Pearson who has managed this horrific place to this very day. He's been condemned by Ceredigion's farmers for pilfering their pygmy sheep and keeping them in some very cramped sheds underneath the Town Hall in a place called Locality 25.5.