Aberystwyth
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“I'd rather have David Walliams take a shit on my face.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Aberystwyth
“It's Famous for having the best Ham and Pineapple Pizzas in North Wales!”
~ Phil 'Gog' Cairns on Aberystwyth
Aberystwyth is a town in Mid-Wales just south of the great city of Borth. It is often just overlooked as a suburb or satellite of Borth by the casual Welsh enthusiast, but in recent times Aberystwyth has been steadily gaining an identity of its own. Infact due to the Borthian overspill into Aberystwyth the vibrant town of Aberaeron was commissioned in 2005 to take some of the expanding populous.
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[edit] History of Aberystwyth
Aberystwyth was founded in 1589 by Queen Heather Lowe of Wales. The town was originally founded as a place to put old hospitals, and other assorted ugly buildings, once they had out grown their useful lives. The town has grown in its own right since its establishment, but has been overshadowed by the budding metropolis of Borth. Aberystwyth gained its Royal Charter even earlier when in 1277 it received the royal seal by Prince Edward the unimpressive and his lovely wife Princess Sophie of Gurn. The seal allowed residents to burn furniture on the beach and marry close relatives, previously a secretive but widespread pastime. The seal died in 1285.The last known Queen up untill reasently of Aberystwyth was "Sophie the great tea consumer", infamous for her promiscuity, who after ruling most of wales and having the University PJM halls of residence named after her, left in 2006 in order to invade the land of the Hollish, formely known as Dutchland or the neverlands. Then along came Queen Rebecca Davis of Bromsgrove and King Andrew Beasely of Bala who were given the titles due to popular demand even tho they are king and queen they are not a couple, they are oftern seem around the town, they are the local celebs of the town and are widely reconised faces, they are know to clear the town of all dastardadly scum such as their nemisis the TWATS Andy is currently residing in the village castle PJM 48 (old residents of former queen) where as rebecca desided to live in the town center in the infamus Blue Garden's Palace.
[edit] Old Hospitals
The impoverished local residence of Aberystwyth decided to put these old hospitals to use. The oldest of the hospitals was converted into “The National Library of Wales”. The biggest old hospital was converted into The University of Wales, Aberystwyth. The people of Aberystwyth have found meny another use for the hospitals including halls of residence for the students of the university. As a reward for the ingenuity put into the conversion of the hospitals, the town of Aberystwyth was given an old (but not quite defunct) hospital, which takes pride of place in its collection. It is the current only working hospital, called “Bronglaise”(being the welsh for bruised breast), after the 80s singer.
[edit] National Library
Aberystwyth was chosen to be the host town for the National Library of Wales. This is the only library in Wales, and as such is a great draw to the town. The library contains over 40 books, including a very good section on farming and another very good section on rugby, the entire Smot collection and a host of other publications. It was built in 52 AD by Marco, which is why its so safe and not sliding down the hill.
[edit] University
Aberystwyth was chosen to host the first University in Wales due to the fact that the only library in Wales was situated there. This has has a large impact on the town, bringing with it great revenue to and creating at least three jobs. The two biggest industries created by the University and its burgeoning student populace are cleaning puke off of pavements and late night junk food. The two industries are heavily integrated and operate a very successful recycling program between them.
[edit] Local Traditions
The main pastime for the local youths is patrolling the barren streets of the citadel in a circular fashion in their parents' cars. They will often stop, and stand around outside the cars. This is because none of them have yet worked out the way off the town's one way system. The charity MWNTS (Motorised Wanderers for New Traffic Systems) has failed to raise adequate funds to fix this problem.
The pastimes of the average wheel less biped in Aberystwyth is walking very slowly around the town in an attempt to slow down people who are in a hurry, and standing in doorways to block access to shops or pubs. This definition, however, is historically inaccurate, as the town's pubs ran away in 1945 when Brian Blessed piped them into the hills.
There is also a local custom known as 'kicking the bar'. In short, this involves walking the promenade with any food taking the shape of a bar (chocolate, lard or steel) and then physically kicking the railing found to the extreme north underneath Constitution Hill. Local legend has it that strong man Raymond 'Truck' Evans once kicked the bar so hard that half of Constitution Hill fell into the sea. Revisionists see this interpretation of the custom as incorrect, arguing that the term derives from a famous historical conflict between the Billy Goats Gruff and local Ringo Starr impersonator David Barr.
[edit] Societies
Also home to a society of Live Action Role Players, ape-like creatures who spend a lot of time in loin cloths, hitting each other with sticks and grunting. An example of one of these creatures is Greg Miller, who is commonly seen in the woods next to the student village beating his bitches with his samurai sword. Little-known is the fact that this society is actually a front for a paranormal being regulation agency, so far they have prevented 3 separate invasions of zombies, demons and Emo-kids and continue to do so under the elaborate cover of nerdy students hitting each other with sticks.
Whereas some may say that Cymdeithas yr Iaith is the most famous society to have its origins in Aberystwyth, in the hearts and minds of the majority, the Foundation for Ethical, Liberal and Community Happiness (FELCH) lays a greater claim to this title.
[edit] Nightlife
Since the nightclub Pier Pressure was bombed by The Irish in 1954, the only form of nightlife is in the form of an old decommissioned oil rig. This magnificent platform (previously called Piper Alpha) is located 5 miles off the coast - originally positioned so as to deceive invaders that Aberystwyth was oil rich. Patrons are ferried out to the structure by speedboat and then given a true red carpet welcome. The Nighclub venue is split over three floors and prides itself on rolling out the red carpet. It was renamed "Cheesy Ken's" in 1985; a name which remains to the present day. The club is now open 18 days a week. The 19th day is reserved for the sole use of Darren Day and the induction of new girlfriends.
[edit] Journal of Births, Deaths and Temporary Marriages
Aberystwyth is the home of one of Wales' most respected and thought-provoking weekly newspapers. Originally called the Cambrian News, the publication was known for its detailed focus on local news stories (be it rape, murder, serious fraud or terrorism). However, a drop in circulation following the sex trade scandal necessitated a change of direction for the newspaper. The Board of Governors chose to focus predominantly on demographic movements, renaming it.
The newspaper is currently recovering from a recent scandal where it incorrectly reported on the death of local legend Johnny Holly. Soon afterwards, Holly was spotted ordering batterbits at a local chippie and talking in the doorway of Cyril's stores. A dramatic retraction of the story was issued by the paper and the editor was thrown into the sea as an offering to Cthulhu.
[edit] Important Events
The Great War of Borth. In December 2007, the International Politics Department declared war on Borth. This lead to the Welsh Nationalists taking control of Constitution Hill and bombarding The Old College with shoes and farming journals. This caused men to act like children and women to spout quotes from Arnold Schwartzenegger's many crap movies, including Junior and Jingle All The Way. Andrew Linkater, or Kinky Andy for short, was taken hostage by the Welsh red shirts and subjected to torturous speeches by Michael Winner. On February 29th 2008, a rescue operation was carried out by an elite SF group lead by Alaster Finlan. They worked from intelligence gathered by Paul Madrell (ex SAS, SBS Delta force, Jack Bauer, James Bond and Chuck Norris) and Intelligence Module members of the university. The attempt to free Kinky Andy from his holding pen at the Borth Animalarium was thwarted by a pack of wild ponies, who began eating SF members. The war is still going on behind closed doors.
Declaration of PRA The winter of 2007 is also notable for the declaration of the People's Republic of Aberystwyth. The main purpose of this was to clarify the fact that the territory holds no historical links to the kingdom (or apparent region) of the Turks, aka the Llanelli Scarlets. This proclamation was enshrined in Article 1(a) of the Constitution adopted at the Lledrod Convention, which also saw planning permission given for the Ystumtuen Bypass. As a result, Councillor Eric Griffiths was elevated to the position of Dictator General and given the keys to the Head of State's palace, previously inhabited by Sion Jenkins' parents.
[edit] Costa Coffee Controversy
In February 2008 Aberystwyth was invaded by Costa Rica, the initial invasion (similar to the Borth D-Day landings) was repelled by locals and employees of independent cafes driving 'pimped' Saxos and Corsas whilst playing techno music so loudly that the Costa Ricans' ears began to bleed. They took refuge in Sports World, where they reduced all stock to clear and begun to grow weed in the loft. Once they had perfected an intricate distillation process, they began to sell 'Special Brew' fair trade coffee to the locals. This brew is noted for its delicate aroma and nuances, although many still prefer the traditional tastes lent by the blood, sweat and tears of underpaid 3rd world labourers.
In response to the ongoing opression of local businesses by Costa Coffee, a facebook group has been created [1]. This group highlights the seriousness of the situation and provides a serious forum for serious debate about the severity of these serious happenings. The time for niddering jokes and skinny lattes has come to an end. Fight now, for freedom, independence, and... freedom!
Kinky Andy has become a regular attendee of group meetings during the famous 'coffee afternoon release' periods in practice at Borth prison.
