Aberystwyth
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“I'd rather have David Walliams fuck me in the ass and make me scream my name until I go to west vagina (Ahem I mean virginia).”
Aberystwyth or "Abewystwyt" is a town in Mid-Wales just south of the great city of Borth. It is often just overlooked as a suburb or satellite of Borth by the casual Welsh enthusiast, but in recent times Aberystwyth has been steadily gaining an identity of its own. In fact due to the Borthian overspill into Aberystwyth the vibrant town of Aberaeron was commissioned in 2005 to take some of the expanding populous.
The quite notorious Walrus is a resident here.
edit History of Aberystwyth
Aberystwyth was founded in 1589 by the Queen of Whales She is a big fat whale that came from the ocean. Her name is nicki minaj. The town was originally founded as a place to put old hospitals, and other assorted ugly buildings, once they had out grown their useful lives. The town has grown in its own right since its establishment, but has been overshadowed by the budding metropolis of Borth. Aberystwyth gained its Royal Charter even earlier when in 1277 it received the royal seal by Prince Edward the unimpressive and his lovely wife Princess Sophie of Gurn. The seal allowed residents to burn furniture on the beach and marry close relatives, previously a secretive but widespread pastime. The seal died yet earlier still in 423 BC. The most recently over powered ruler of Aberystwyth was "Tom the 'misguided' coffee connoisseur", who while infamous for his many numerous pranks and most famous for renaming the old University PJM halls of residence after his no longer secret lover, was over thrown in early 2011 by a revolt after ruling most of the low lying areas badly and the highlands not at all, because he so loved to drink coffee instead of taking action, when he attempted to capture Borth, a final act of idiocy, it resulted in the over throwing of the monarchy and of a president being put in place.
edit Old Hospitals
The impoverished local residence of Aberystwyth decided to put these old hospitals to use. The oldest of the hospitals was converted into “The National Library of fat lady whales”. The biggest old hospital was converted into The University of Wales, Aberystwyth. The people of Aberystwyth have found meny another use for the hospitals including halls of residence for the students of the university. As a reward for the ingenuity put into the conversion of the hospitals, the town of Aberystwyth was given an old (but not quite defunct) hospital, which takes pride of place in its collection. It is the current only working hospital, called “Bronglaise” (being the welsh for bruised breast), after the 80s singer.
edit National Library
Aberystwyth became host town for the National Library of Wales by default, as it is the only library in Wales. Regenerated from the grandest hospital, originally built in 52 AD by Marco 'Shish' Kebab, is thought to be the safest old hospital as it is not sliding down the hill. The library has 2 sections Agriculture and Fishing, and Recreation. Agriculture and Fishing has as many as 40 books including a wide and varied selection on natural resource and a definitive selection on sheep farming. The brand new recreation section has nearly 10 books including 'what to do as a shepherd who's lost his welly-boots', 'rugby' (all 4 editions), 'a definitive look at the sport rugby through the ages', and a smot collection. As a whole the Library is a great draw to the town.
edit University
Aberystwyth was chosen to host the first University in Wales due to the number of old abandoned hospitals and the proximity of the Library in Wales. This has had a large impact on the town, bringing with it great revenue and creating as many as nine jobs.
The University has a burgeoning student populace, of almost 10,000,000,000 students (statistic has an error margin of +/-99.9999% as no-one has counted them all),none of which ever leave the town. The sheer number of people has lead to the rise of both of Aberystwyth's industries one cleans puke off of pavements while the other vends junk food. The two industries are heavily integrated and operate a very successful recycling program between them.
As well a the students the University appears to attracted a conspicuously large collection of the strange substance administratium, which while heavy does very little but prevent activities from taking place.
edit Local Traditions
The main pastime for the local youths is patrolling the barren streets of the citadel in a circular fashion in their parents' cars. They will often stop, and stand around outside the cars. This is because none of them have yet worked out the way off the town's one way system. The charity MWNTS (Motorised Wanderers for New Traffic Systems) has failed to raise adequate funds to fix this problem.
The pastimes of the average wheel less biped in Aberystwyth is walking very slowly around the town in an attempt to slow down people who are in a hurry, and standing in doorways to block access to shops or pubs. This definition, however, is historically inaccurate, as the town's pubs ran away in 1945 when Brian Blessed piped them into the hills.
There is also a local custom known as 'kicking the bar'. In short, this involves walking the promenade with any food taking the shape of a bar (chocolate, lard or steel) and then physically kicking the railing found to the extreme north underneath Constitution Hill. Local legend has it that strong man Raymond 'Truck' Evans once kicked the bar so hard that half of Constitution Hill fell into the sea. Revisionists see this interpretation of the custom as incorrect, arguing that the term derives from a famous historical conflict between the Billy Goats Gruff and local Ringo Starr impersonator Amy Brown.
edit Societies
Also home to a society of Live Action Role Players, ape-like creatures who spend a lot of time in loin cloths, hitting each other with sticks and grunting. An example of one of these creatures is Greg Miller, who is commonly seen in the woods next to the student village beating his bitches with his samurai sword. Little-known is the fact that this society is actually a front for a paranormal being regulation agency, so far they have prevented 3 separate invasions of zombies, demons and Emo-kids and continue to do so under the elaborate cover of nerdy students hitting each other with sticks.
Whereas some may say that Cymdeithas yr Iaith is the most famous society to have its origins in Aberystwyth, in the hearts and minds of the majority, the Foundation for Ethical, Liberal and Community Happiness (FELCH) lays a greater claim to this title.
It is also rumoured that Aberystwyth is the home of the fabled Ceredigion Halls Vomiting Society. CeriVomSoc was, supposedly, once the most outrageous drinking club on earth, it is said that it died out after recruitment problems caused death by alcohol poisoning and senior members were picked off by liver cancer. Some say there are 3 surviving members Codenamed Chuck Norris, Brian and The Stig, and last time they met up, a town that was unprepared for their arrival was drunk dry, in under 45 minutes. Although it is widely rumoured that the CeriVomSoc record was set in the societies heyday when the many members, which could be as numerous as 19, visited a specially organised CAMRA festival - CeriVomSoc after arriving 4 days late to the week long event, drank the remaining 159 barrels of ale in just short of 3 minutes and 28 seconds, setting an impressive pace of 24.76 Gallons per second, onlookers were said to have been disgusted by the festival's lack of planning when fore warned about the presence of CeriVomSoc, providing a meagre 6000 Gallons of beer.
Since the end of the first great empire of humanity (1919), it has been reported down the decades that at times of great danger, a race of half human, half (gay)robots appear under the banner of the IKPS ( Interestingly kinky People Society). These decendents of the first empire embroil themselves in debate, real games of risk, and other kinky activities involving whips, chains and the audio of 'Sixteen Tons' by Tennessee ford. Rumour whisper that the blitzkreig invasion of Cardiff (October 2009), involving the creation of the 'mini bank' and the and the abduction of a welsh relic of the former empire known only by the code name TARDIS. Infamous figures from this group included the original 'English man, Scottish man and Irishman" known collectively as the 'Three Jokeateers', Johnny, Martin and Gorro. It remains unknown why these politicians have never appeared to rescue Kinky Andy, perhaps that's a mystery best left to the imagination...
edit Nightlife
Since the nightclub Pier Pressure was bombed by The Irish lead by Ger O'Gorman in 1954, the only form of nightlife is in the form of an old decommissioned oil rig. This magnificent platform (previously called Piper Alpha) is located 5 miles off the coast - originally positioned so as to deceive invaders that Aberystwyth was oil rich. Patrons are ferried out to the structure by speedboat and then given a true red carpet welcome. The Nighclub venue is split over three floors and prides itself on rolling out the red carpet. It was renamed "Cheesy Ken's" in 1985; a name which remains to the present day. The club is now open 18 days a week. The 19th day is reserved for the sole use of Carl Culleton and the induction of new girlfriends. Nathan Robinson attended pier pressure on a number of occasions in the early years of his youth. After assaulting some male members of the doorstaff (sexually), he was eventually employed full time at the club where he operates a suck-hole in the male toilet. For the dregs of society, 'Bar Why Not' (or to those who know it too well, Yokos) offers many delights. The ambiance is sophisticated and charming; evident from the plush leather sofas and moist walls. Yes my dear friends, if you find one of your party missing it's fair to say that Yokos has them now and you should move on in search of a 'Clock Tower Pull'.
edit Journal of Births, Deaths and Temporary Marriages
Aberystwyth is the home of one of Wales' most respected and thought-provoking weekly newspapers. Originally called the Cambrian News, the publication was known for its detailed focus on local news stories (be it rape, murder, serious fraud or terrorism). However, a drop in circulation following the sex trade scandal necessitated a change of direction for the newspaper. The Board of Governors chose to focus predominantly on demographic movements, renaming it.
The newspaper is currently recovering from a recent scandal where it incorrectly reported on the death of local legend Johnny Holly. Soon afterwards, Holly was spotted ordering batterbits at a local chippie and talking in the doorway of Cyril's stores. A dramatic retraction of the story was issued by the paper and the editor was thrown into the sea as an offering to Cthulhu.
edit Important Events
The Great War of Borth. In December 2007, the International Politics Department declared war on Borth. This lead to the Welsh Nationalists taking control of Constitution Hill and bombarding The Old College with shoes and farming journals. This caused men to act like children and women to spout quotes from Arnold Schwartzenegger's many crap movies, including Junior and Jingle All The Way. Andrew Linkater, or Kinky Andy for short, was taken hostage by the Welsh red shirts and subjected to torturous speeches by Michael Winner.
On February 29th 2008, a rescue operation was carried out by an elite SF group lead by Alaster Finlan. They worked from intelligence gathered by Paul Madrell aka 'Rapey Paul' (ex SAS, SBS Delta force, Jack Bauer, James Bond and Chuck Norris) and Intelligence Module members of the university. The attempt to free Kinky Andy from his holding pen at the Borth Animalarium was thwarted by a pack of wild ponies, who began eating SF members. The war is still going on behind closed doors. Surprisingly the UOTC, also known as the North Face Gillet Society, played no part in this war, they spent the entire period, wearing obscenely small shorts, passing round the 4 female members round in a pass the parcel fashion, and tell war stories about 'this one time in Sennybridge' and 'You don't know many you weren't there, for 48 hrs...'
In an soap-opera development, it appears that kinky Andy has become pregnant with Paul Madrell's and/or James Vaughan's child around November 2009. The evidence is wide ranging and very dubious. Paul is suspected to have left Aberystwyth to avoid paying the future child support and James blames the angel Gabriel. Although these theories may seem somewhat credible it still remains a hotly debated subject around the International Politics building with numerous slogans and statements etched into the toilet walls as well as verbal and physical actions carried out between lecturers and staff. The most well known of these concern the debacle between Vaughan and Gerry Hughes in which they eventually participated in a common International Politics method of settling arguments; a duel of funnelling the fastest to determine who had the weakest liver and the smallest balls.
Declaration of PRA The winter of 2007 is also notable for the declaration of the People's Republic of Aberystwyth. The main purpose of this was to clarify the fact that the territory holds no historical links to the kingdom (or apparent region) of the Turks, aka the Llanelli Scarlets. This proclamation was enshrined in Article 1(a) of the Constitution adopted at the Lledrod Convention, which also saw planning permission given for the Ystumtuen Bypass. As a result, Councillor Eric Griffiths was elevated to the position of Dictator General and given the keys to the Head of State's palace, previously inhabited by Sion Jenkins' parents. However, he chose to swap the keys for those for the public toilets in the Public Shelter; demonstrating good judgement, for once in his sad little life.
According to recent unconfirmed reports from the Rockstar and Rockstar North Corporations the all encompassing creators of the 18 rated, highly successful and influential Grand Theft Auto are said to be in midst of creating and developing their fifth three dimensional instalment of the franchise. It has also been suspected that Aberystwyth, the great mega-city of Borth and numerous sheep and cattle will be the main focal points for the story and locations. In early 2009, developers and researchers from Rockstar arrived in the suburb of Aberystwyth to begin laying the ground work for the future title. They interviewed many of the inhabitants; the secret millionaire loiterer outside Big Spar, the Cat Man, Pier Guy, the Nikki Sixx lookalike runner up of 1986 and the girls of Scholars. So far we have received a drip feed of information regarding characters and plots but we now know that these famous Aber characters will feature as part of the overall storyline.
The plot in development as we know it so far....
You are a student, after having failed your final year exams and dissertation are forced to look for work to maintain yourself whilst you await the beginning of the next year in order to retake course and resit the year. Along the way, the Aber trains known for their unreliability are stopped due to a terrorist attack which destroys much of the tracks leading out of Aberystwyth. This is intensified with a cordon on all roads leaving Aber. In gameplay should you decide to breach the cordon you get four stars... how original. Additionally the wanted system has been revamped. 1 Star will be gained for a simple offence such the punching, smacking, glassing or bricking of the AI characters or police officers. 2 Stars will be gained through the use of weapons which will include full bore shotguns, catapolts, switch blades, shears nail files. More advanced weaponry enters the game as you progress. 3 Stars will gained from a collection of these offence followed up with vehicle theft which include anything from sheep to tractors to the high performance uninsurable chav mobiles. 4 Star wanted levels will introduce the slightly pissed off police. As they chase round the Aber to Borth bends they shout over loud speaker 'Pull over your vehicle boyo, go on please... McDonalds is closing...If you pull over we'll get you a McFlurry.' (McDonalds is an optional job for the player; Mc Job Mc Occupation with a Mc Pension).
To be continued...
edit Costa Coffee Controversy
In February 2008 Aberystwyth was invaded by Costa Rica, the initial invasion (similar to the Borth D-Day landings) was repelled by locals and employees of independent cafes driving 'pimped' Saxos and Corsas whilst playing techno music so loudly that the Costa Ricans' ears began to bleed. They took refuge in Sports World, where they reduced all stock to clear and begun to grow weed in the loft. Once they had perfected an intricate distillation process, they began to sell 'Special Brew' fair trade coffee to the locals. This brew is noted for its delicate aroma and nuances, although many still prefer the traditional tastes lent by the blood, sweat and tears of underpaid 3rd world labourers.
In response to the ongoing oppression of local businesses by Costa Coffee, a facebook group has been created [1]. This group highlights the seriousness of the situation and provides a serious forum for serious debate about the severity of these serious happenings. The time for niddering jokes and skinny lattes has come to an end. Fight now, for freedom, independence, and... freedom!
Kinky Andy has become a regular attendee of group meetings during the famous 'coffee afternoon release' periods in practice at Borth prison.
edit The Great Migratory Mating Season
For 9 months of the year, every year, an unusually large amount of young quasi-adults swarm to Aberystwyth for the mating season. Over the course of this period, various fluids, liquids and beverages are drunk; ostensibly to aid in the mating process.
Mating rituals take the form of sessions called 'lectures' and 'seminars' (think semen) and those young people who do not mate well enough during these sessions die at the age of 21. Those who mate with a certain degree of success do not produce offspring but rather are reborn at the end of their 3 year mating period. The rebirth provides a new glossy coat which shines through after the sick has been washed off. This glossy coat is the sign that the young person has come of age and is now capable of making real babies. This is probably because the special liquids made the process of mating easier, but the process of producing offspring more difficult.
edit The Walrus
Pestilent scourges come and go; the Bionic Plague, the Portuguese Influenza and the Red Cockerel epidemic. But this unscrupulous monstrosity has plagued this once peaceful seaside town of Aberystwyth for decades now with absolutely no signs of stopping.
The Walrus has been on the wrong side of the authorities ever since it introduced a previously unknown venereal virus into the waters of the Irish Sea. The discovery and the transmission of The Walrusmans' Curse to humankind can be credited to a Mr Richard Pearson of Waun Fawr. The Walrus is also legendary for its inscrutable and uncontrollable left handed finger gropes.
This experimental Walrus found its way into the record books in 2009 with its latest attempt to loose 67% of its flab from its hind quarters. It lost 4008kg in the first three months from utilising a modified liposuction device known as the I.L.E.A., the Industrial Lard Extraction Appliance, initially used for oil exploration by British Petroleum in the seas off southern Argentina.
His exploits are legendary; his reputation is loathsome - Dr. Peeshasheet of the Marine Pest Agency (Aberystwyth Office).
edit The Aberystwyth Spring
After many years of suffering from the destructive activities of The Walrus the residents of Aberystwyth took to the streets in January 2012. The protests have continued; boycotts of Asian Division products and large smearings of fish paste in Borth and Clarach in attempts to lure The Walrus into a trap are all commonplace. Pier Street and Great Darkgate Street have seen the worst of the riots with several shop windows smashed in response to shop owners giving into The Walrus unrelenting avarice.
edit Ty Coc Oen Prison
Constructed in 1961 in Llanbadarn, before Aberystwyth was credited as being a town, Ty Coc Oen was the place where vagrants and criminals were held before their trials at the hamlet's wallaby court. It later fell into the greasy hands of a Mr Richard "Donkey" Pearson who has managed this horrific place to this very day. He's been condemned by Ceredigion's farmers for pilfering their pygmy sheep and keeping them in some very cramped sheds underneath the Town Hall in a place called Locality 25.5.
