Aberdeen
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“Aberdeen; the silver city with the golden, green and glowing sands and bronze bimbos.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Aberdeen
“What's an Aberdonian's favourite drug? Ken fit a' mean!”
“And those bastards don't even miss me.... Oh, shit! Wrong Aberdeen! I wanted the one in Hong Kong!”
~ Kurt Cobain on Aberdeen
“Its so grey, I can hide easily.”
~ Nelly the Elephant
“There's no atmosphere there, i have to wear my spacesuit.”
“It has Dean Reily! He's so hot with his fake tan!”
~ Keith Monro
“I bet fat people live there.”
“Aberdeen is the universes closest thing to a black-hole”
~ Bux
It's like Barlinnie withoot a wall. Miserable grey granite blocks o' hooses.
Aberdeen (pronounced A-birdeen by the local working classes and plentiful crack and smackheads) is Scatland's third largest city. If it wasn't for the oil industry it would be much smaller and probably a bigger shithole than St Andrews. Don't even get me started. Aberdeen is a town in the north east of Scotland. Discovered accidentaly by vikings attempting to reach the Faroe Islands, it doesn't have much in it, apart from a lot of people who have unusual yet intimate relationships with sheep. This bothers the sheep somewhat, because they think that if they're going to do things like this, they should probably do them in a place more exciting than Aberdeen (perhaps skegness?). Sunny Aberdeen surprisingly shares the title of Scotland's sunniest city with Dundee (known locally as Scumdee) and its famous Beechgrove Garden was Scotland's first RSPB nature reserve for flamingos that flock here for the region's tropical summer climate. This is in great contrast to its harsh winters when Polar Bears migrate here from the Arctic Circle and may be seen on the A90 between Garthdee and Stonehaven on a regular basis.
The city has a long and sandy coastline noted for it's massive quantities of hypodermic needles, untreated sewage, used condoms. ABERDEEN IST KRIEG
For decades it has been an Aberdonian tradition to dig up the most attractive areas of the city such as Rubislaw in order to build urban catastrophes such as Torry or Northfield on the outskirts of the city. The most recent urban blight is the Stewart Milne development at Kepplestone; known locally as 'Tillydrone West'. This concrete and steel tribute to 1960's council houses completely over shadows all else on Queens Road. For those who have purchased a Kepplestone Manor apartment, or those who are just visiting, rumour has it that the laminate kitchen floors can only support a maximum of 16 people. Given that most parties take place in the kitchen this could be socially limiting.
The "granite" also makes Aberdeen the world's most radioactive city and the Geiger counter was invented here by James Clerk Maxwell, former professor at the ancient University of Aberdeen who also discovered the major rules behind electromagnetism, the kinetic theory behing gases and founded Cove Rangers FC in 1857. Microbiologists at this institute in the 1970s were also responsible for using this background radiation to develop genetically engineered seagulls the size of small labradors. These can still be found at Aberdeen beach and the city retired undefeated in 1997 with UK's highest 'death by seagull' mortality rate. This technology was soon outlawed by the Turkish government before the revolutionary work was used to build the Dounreay nuclear power station in Caithness.
On an overcast day, because of the city being entirely grey, it becomes camouflaged. If you wander around Aberdeen on an overcast day, you may find yourself bumping into walls you thought were just part of the cloud. Aeroplanes have been known to mysteriously crash in the middle of Union Street. This is also due to camouflage. These accidents can be useful as it means that people can see through the cloud because of the resulting fires.
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[edit] Demographics
The population is around the 2 hunder thoosan[sic] mark and at least 150,000 of those are addicted to using little glass pipes.
In the beginning, there were only 2 industries in Aberdeen: Fishing and "Selling your Fanny"(prostitution). Then, in the late 70's when the Oil Boom began, the fishermen got kicked out and moved up North to Peterhead (Holy fuck, don't ever go there, it's the smack capital of the world, seriously, they have more than the Afgans).
The oil industry means that the hookers are better off than they were. This has resulted in some truly remarkable resistances to heroin. One "Mangey Spunk Bucket" from Tillydrone claims that she now needs 2 kg of the best quality heroin she can find every day. She doesn't even have time to cook it. She simply stabs herself in the jugular with a McDonald's straw and gets one of her 23 children to blow clumps of the brown powder down it. Her eldest son Mark, aged 11, says "I'm really proud of my Mummy, she has an overdose about once a week and we all think she is going to die. But somehow, she pulls through and we sneak the smack into the hospital for her while she recovers. Like one of my Dads used to say, I can't remember which one, but he said "If you fall over get right back up and punch someone in the face, then have another go."" What a close family.
A small but heavily armed and Libyan trained contingent of the Provisional Irish Republican Army. Formed by a group of Irish students disillusioned by the sheer number of soldiers in the city who claim allegiance to some old doll from London who doesn't pay taxes yet they claim to be Scottish and proud. This group aims to educate these moronic fools but will take to the gun if unsuccessful in making these soldiers see the error of their ways.
[edit] Student Population
Aberdeen city centre is home to a rich, inexplicably large population of students, of which about 0.5% are local future sheep shaggers. Students rarely stray from the city centre unless they have to, but will still make jokes about Northfield and Torry without actually knowing where they are/having ever been there. The only thing that unites students is a complicit, universal ignorance of where they actually are.
Aberdeen is home to one university, founded by Lord Elephant of Stonehaven in the year 500BC. It is characterised by pretensions of granduer, snobbery, King Street, debt, and failure. For 90% of the year neither students nor faculty are required to be on campus. It is rumoured that for those portions of the year the Queen Mother keeps the place going from her base in the library. Characteristics of your average University student include: being English; walking around campus with books under one arm, coffee in hand and pretending they're at an actual university; studying Psychology; being Nigerian; bitterness; a relentless drive to take 'fun-filled' photos and post them on Facebook so that everyone back home doesn't know what a shithole you've landed yourself in; being English; fear of the local population; illness if they spend too much time away from looking cool on Belmont Street (Dahling, isn't Kilau just, so, I don't know, coffee?); being English; and absolutely no tolerance for alcohol. For most undergraduate students, Guildford is the centre of the universe. There are about 5 Scottish students who are not local, all of whom have extremely refined 'I'm not really here' complexes and spend their nights drinking while thinking of the rejection letter they received from Edinburgh.
Rivals to the students of University of WhyAmIHere (pronounced 'Ah-ber-deen') consist of those who attend Robert Gordon's Nursery, a glorified gym which teaches crafts such as Retail and Disney Films, and is believed to house 50% of Nigeria's population (the other 50% live in the University's Fraser Noble building). Students who attend the Nursery are remarkably similar in their English, Nigerian and 4% alcohol characteristics to those who attend the University, but both sides will claim that they are vastly different whenever given opportunity.
It should be noted that the students of the artsy part of the Nursery, Castle Grayskull, do not hold themselves comparable with any other groups of students. They're far too UN!QUE, totally creative, TALEnTEd! and high on cheap smack shipped from Torry and fed intravenously from their blank canvases of creativity to worry about the other students, all of whom are boring, stupid, poor, English, Nigerian, and not doing anything. Out of all student groups, those of Castle Grayskull have by far the most developed 'I'm not really here' complex. Once they split themselves from the Nursery (none of them will ever admit that they are actually a student of the Nursery even though they all are) splitting themselves from Abiredeen was the next step.
Scientist have found the sexiest gay in the universe and this person goes to a university in Aberdeen. The only information that has come out about this person is that his name is Stevus and he has a gigantic brain
[edit] Economy
Oil, battered mars bars and sheep prostitution.
[edit] Distinguishing features
Aberdeen does not and never will have any distinguishing features, interesting monuments, or famous figures, except for the massive statue of Colin Powell's inside Boots. The only other exception is its Doric accent. Locals put the sheer dullness down to the rain, grime, and unbelievably irritating accent everyone has, but these are not, in fact, the true culprits. Aberdeen is, in reality, a battery city for Las Vegas. A vast cable, running right through the planet, connects the two cities. Anything of the slightest interest is sucked from the former city and channeled into the latter. This was also responsible for Aberdeen being dubbed the 'energy capital of Europe'. This allows for bright lights, excitement, and all night parties which would otherwise be physically impossible. Centuries of overload have drained all colour out of Aberdeen, and now even moss is beginning to expire there by dint of being too interesting for the city. Black and White Movies are often shot on location here, as nobody needs to bother to take out the coloured film.
The development of the subsurface cables allowed the city's Robert Gordon University to become a world centre for the development of pipelines. In return for the exported energy, oil was imported from the USA to all over northern Scotland. However, in May 1974 part of the pipeline at St Fergus burst and flooded the North Sea with oil. These hydrocarbons were later recovered by large oil companies (e.g. BP) who set up numerous oil rigs which also act as offshore illict stills.
Aberdeenshire is famed for its numerous malt whiskies and it was mainly Chivas Brothers that set up these offshore stills under the name of BP to avoid hefty government taxes. These days, a warmer climate due to global warming has also allowed for the growth of marijuana on these platforms hundreds of miles away from the nearest police-station in Stavanger. The plants are brought onshore at Aberdeen harbour where it is processed and hidden inside fish en-route to Fraserburgh. Most residents in the city have never seen an oil rig in real life and are yet to realise that they don't really exist, a story invented by the notorious local paper the Press & Journal to cover up for husbands/wives that claim to be offshore while they are really having casual relationships with their spouse's best friend in Majorca. Many people may also be familiar with the folk song 'The Northern Lights of Old Aberdeen'. Local folklore suggests that the Northern Lights or Aurora Borealis is a natural atmospheric phenomenon that may one day become visible should the clouds ever clear or the city ever turn its street lights off. Experts from the University of Aberdeen claim however that this phenomenon is the result of raw sewage slowly leaking from the International Space Station and becoming trapped in the uppermost atmosphere. These waste products produce methane gas which may ignite when superheated meteors burn up on entry, producing a dazzling display of light in the night sky.
Aberdeen's 'King Street' is acknowledged by the 'Department of Large and Pointless Things' as the longest road in the local universe. To walk along King Street is not difficult, in fact it is fairly easy, but to cross to the other pavement is certain death! The IRA (Insane Roadsters of Aberdeen) disagree entirely with the international road safety regulations and will swerve INTO you, if seen attempting to correct which side of the road you wish to be on. It is said, that if one walks down King Street they actually travel back in time! And if one were to walk up, time would pass as if normal (just more dangerously). "To get off King Street, one must take a right turn." thus spoke God, which is in itself a cruel joke as King Street is EVERYWHERE and has no rights!
[edit] Irish Occupation
At some point in the 21st century a previously undocumented Irish tribe called the O'Pharmacys launched an aggressive campaign on the village of Aberdeen, although their first target was Edinburgh but were repelled by an already existing clan; the O'Physicians. The arrival of the O'Pharmacys resulted in the alcoholic content of the village quadrupling to 80% overnight. Coupled with the tribes astonishing knowledge of mood altering compounds such as cabbage wine, Aberdeen now contains more langers than Cork and a commonly heard phase is "Tis no Cork". These cunning Irish used their chat-up line of "Thirty Three and a Third" to seduce Scottish maidens. Upon their initial arrival the inebriated Irish staggered into its administrative centre "City Hall" and proceeded to erect posters proclaiming the status of the town to be "Under New Management". The first act of the new council was to rename City Hall as Paddy's Bar. The Aberdonians themselves never protested as they were all out shagging sheep (see sheepshagginganity)and the only occupants of the town were the pungent Polish who accepted their new masters with glee in the hope of kinder working condtions, alas they would live to regret it as the now infamous "Union Street Massacre" would prove.
[edit] Recreation
Aberdeen is the home of the sport Sheep Shaggin', an extremely fun, furry version of tiddly winks. The only difference lies in the lack of tiddly and presence of Aberdonians pumping their best ewe rotten. Due to a shortage of suitable sheep, this year's Sheep Shaggin' has been cancelled in favour of knife fighting, chibbin' and heroin addiction, with experts on hand from Glasgow to provide direction. Throughout the month of August, seminars will be held by Tommy Sheridan, Neil Lennon and Fernando Ricksen. Those interested should assemble outside their local at closing time. Beastiality is generally frowned upon by a minority of residents (mainly Dutch oil workers), although Aberdeen-Angus are always there for those wishing a bigger challenge. another good activity is to "shag" the old one legged prostitute some say she is a local legend and goes by the name of emma, and that she is harder to find then the loch ness monster, big foot and aliens put together, but it seems everyone in the city of aberdeen has claimed to have seen and/or had sex with her, but no one really knows.
NIGHTCLUBS INCLUDE
- Espionage ( The Nage ) Aka " The Ghetto"
- Liquid
- Tillydrone
- Exodus - Local Gay Bar
- The Broadsword
- The Moorings
- The Attic (Flat) on Crown Street, where a wannabe Lawyer, and an Artistic Kitchen Seller host lavish parties at their Parents' expense. a visiting Nurse serves drinks on occassion.
- Peep Peeps aka the local soccer casuals(look up youtube)
The Winter Gardens, set in the Duthie Park, was a memorial to the famous comedy act Mike and Bernie Winters who spent their twilight years in a tent at the top of the Broadhill. At night time the Duthie park is also used as a recreation area for homosexuals and transvestites. Members of Grampian police are often seen scouring the Duthie park after dark, with their truncheons firmly grasped in their hands lookin to score. The sunken Union Terrace Gardens, in the shadow of His Majestys theater, is often described as an Oasis in the middle of Aberdeen City. Who by, is not quite clear. From a vantage point high on Union Terrace, tourists can watch as junkies and jakeys while away the sunny afternoons frolicking in the Gardens.It's a bit like going to see the Lions of Longleat, quite safe as long as you stay a good distance away! Despite the safety implications, guided tours through Union Terrace gardens are organised by the City fathers. A council official is dressed in a safari suit and pith helmet which once belonged to Don Estell in the TV series 'It aint 'alf hot mum'. Tours cost £20 and start at the Union Terrace toilets, at the Union St end of the park. Booking in advance is recommended. The tour meanders through the park on a miniature train whilst junkies use old syringes in the style of pygmy blowpipes. Tourists are reminded to keep their hands and belongings inside the carriage. Flak jackets are compulsory. Another favourite recreational pastime for young Aiberdonians is 'hingin aboot the chippy' (standing about, outside the fish and chip shop). This pastime can be seen in nearly every area around Aberdeen from Tillydrone to Torry. An Aberdeen chip shop has also won a place in the Guinness book of records for having the smallest portion of fish and chips whilst at the same time also being the most expensive (see page 102 Guinness book of records). Many Aiberdonians will also while away the hours by wandering round Poundland(nothing over £1) on Union St, exclaiming loudly "ooh" and "ahh" and "I've never seen onything so cheap" . However in 1984 the sheer weight of numbers caused the floor to collapse and tragically many lives were lost. Lives could have been saved but emergency services could not gain access due to crowds of scavengers trying to retrieve items of value such as triple A batteries and plastic storage boxes. Aberdeens other claim to fame was the outbreak of typhoid which swept the UK ( 1968) started in in a ' You'll Have Had Your Tea' cafe in Langstane Place. You'll Have Had Your Tea cafe's were a once famous chain of Scottish cafes. The typhoid was started by a contaminated tin of Argentinian corned beef which was smuggled off a trawler. Staff noticed it was contaminated but decided to serve it, as it seemed a bit of a waste not to use it. A sculpture of a Fray Bentos tin of corned beef has pride of place within the foyer of St Nicholas House. It was sculpted by the local artist Sandy Thomson( Auchterturra).Visitors to St Nicholas House often ask how to tell the difference between the sculpture of a tin of corned beef and the local councillors? A good way of telling, is that the tin of corned beef is much more productive!--Goldfinger 13:45, 13 June 2009 (UTC)
[edit] Sport
The city is famous for Aberdeen FC (Sheep Warriors) who famously won the 1983 European Cup Winners Cup after player John Hewitt spiked Real Madrid's water bottles with laxatives. Fans still refer back to these 'glory years' and most now accept that from the exception of the Aberdeenshire Cup, the Dons will never lift another piece of silverware again. The less well known Cove Rangers also play in the city but are destined to go another twelve years without scoring a goal in the Highland League.
The old dilapidated Pittodrie Stadium had to be sold to clear the club's spiralling debts due to Stewart 'Shylock' Milne, their majority shareholder. They are arranging to play their home fixtures in the public park from 2011 with help from the Council.
- NOTE** For 2008-2009 AFC Home Games All Players MUST Wear Wellies Provided (SFA Legislation)
The city is also home to the club with the longest name in Rugby Union, this being Aberdeen Grammar School Former Pupils Rugby Football Club (AGSFPRFC), a team assembled of players that have never set foot inside Aberdeen Grammar School in their lives and dream of one day playing in front of a crowd larger than 200. This is mainly because they play their home games at Rubislaw instead of their school grounds and even fans from their nearest opponents Dundee cannot be bothered with the 346 mile round trip to Aberdeen.
[edit] Awards
- Most Non-Existent Town 1987
- Most Likely Place To Be Raped By Seagulls 1988
- Most Camouflaged City On A Cloudy Day 1989
- City Which Produces Most Levitating Smog 1990
- Most Molested Sheep 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 (banned from enetering 2005/06/07/ for winning so often), 2008, 2009
- City Most Overrun By Zombies 1992
- The Only City To Win The 1995 Award
- City With Most Lost People 1996
- City Least Appreciated By People With None Of The 5 Senses 1997
- Largest Graveyard In The World 1998
- Most Grey Pains Used To Paint One City 1999
- Biggest City Where You can Wear Your Own House 2000, 2005, 2009
- City With Sexiest Over 65s 2001
- City Home To Most Flying Dinosarus 2002
- City With Youngest Mother "9 years old" 2003
- City With Most Wandering Balls 2004
- The Only City Where The "Keep Out" Sign Is Worth Reading 2005
- Largest Profit In The Area Of Cheap Cider Sales 2005
- Most Virgins Deflowered 2006
- City With Tastiest Fattening Salad 2007
- Most Drunks at one given moment 2007 ( Scotland Vs Italy. 2007 )
- Capital City of Poland 2007
- City with the smelliest suburb- Tillydrone 2009
- "Stinks O' Fish" Award winner - Silver - 2009
[edit] At War with Glasgow
The conflict in its present form can be traced to (like most aspects of Scottish culture) the Scottish Premier League. It began as mere rivalry and taunting with the Aberdonians being the recipients of many sharp-toungued, quick-witted insults from a Glaswegian contingent. The dispute began to escalate rapidly after the foot and mouth cull. It was revealled, several months after teuchter-farmers had destroyed their lovers, live-stock and boyfriends (some go that way) that the results had been fabricated by a bored bam named Bobby McCockmearse. Since then, conflict has raged and Union Street has been plagued by several Weegies that apparently have been stranded in Aberdeen for the last twelve years, always asking "I only need another quid for ma ticket' or 'any spare change for a cup o' tea big man?".
[edit] Twinned Cities
As well as having numerous clones across the United States, Aberdeen has several twin cities which comprises 82% of Aberdeen FC's fan-base. Macau was formerly in the list below but political links were severed after the Chinese stole Aberdeen Harbour and relocated it to Hong Kong. All these clones and twinned cities look and smell exactly the same (Fish and weeks old worn underpants)
- Regensburg
- Stavanger
- Clermont-Ferrand
- Gomel
- Bulawayo
- Stalingrad
- Chernobyl
- Galway
- Dublin
- Ballygobackwards
- Jodie Marsh's Underpants
- Ralph Davidson's Caravan
[edit] Nearby Places
- Angus
- Banchory
- Brechin
- Fraserburgh
- Huntly
- Keith
- Kemnay
- Lossiemooth
- Lost (as in the Strathdon hamlet)
- Montrose
- Pennan
- Peterhead
- Tuam, Co Galway
- London
- Candy Mountain
[edit] Famous Aberdonians
- Mufasa from Schoolhill - This is Aberdeens most famous lion, that must be ridden by tourists and residents alike.
- Bryan The Lion on Schoolhill - Legend has it he was struck down by the Thor while on his Saturday night piss up.
- Dennis Law - Famous Scottish footballer famous for eating his own head in 1987
- Annie Lennox - singer in the band The Eurthymics had hits with The Sheepy Song and Weegies go to Hell
- Alex Ferguson - Awarded Freedom to leave the City in 1983. He promptly did.
- Tom from MySpace
- Jimmy Calderwood - Once managed to beat Rangers... with a stick
- Scotty from Star Trek
- Sir William Chutney Ferrett
- Kurt Cobain (decided he couldn't live with that shame)
- Former US President Frank Sinatra
- Wolf from Gladiators
- Jamie Watt - scorer of Cove Rangers' only goal in season 2002-03
- David Carry - Won the 100 m dash for people afraid of yellow tape at the commonwealth games.
- Sandi Thom - Singer from Aberdeenshire, who upon getting a UK number one single returned to Aberdeen and received a welcoming gift of a flock of sheep
- Doctormog
- Garda Seamus
- Chris Cusiter - Scotland Rugby Player, Once beat a stronger England side using himself two forwards and a comically misshapen turnip.
- Jimmy Hendrix - First learned to play the bagpipes backwards.
- Belly Gonna Getcha - That huge belly from the Reebok adverts gained his mass eating nothing but Aberdeen Butteries.
- A sheep - shagged by all Aberdonians.
- Ralph Davidson - Aberdeen College institution, has their refurbished library at Gallowgate named after him (Ralph Davidson institute of learning and pile extraction centre of excellence).
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