Abercrombie & Fitch

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{{wikipedia}}
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[[Image:Destroyed.jpg|thumb|right|225px|An Abercrombie advertisement from ''Highlights for Children'' magazine.]]
[[Image:Destroyed.jpg|thumb|right|225px|Abercrombie advertisement from Highlights for Children Magazine.]]
 
   
'''Abercrombie & Fitch''' (NYSE: ANF), also, "Grab a boobie and pinch" and "Apple Crumble & Fish"
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'''Abercrombie & Fitch''' (NYSE: ANF) is an [[American]] chain of stores that buys clothing from the local Goodwill and [[Salvation Army]] stores, sprays them with [[cologne]], and re-sells them to fashion-conscious customers, now that they have become "trendy and stylish."
is an American brand specializing in buying clothing from local Goodwill and [[Salvation Army]] stores, spraying them with cologne and re-sold as "trendy and stylish". Abercrombie & Fitch apparel is targeted towards [[high school]] and [[college]] students ages 15 through 25.
 
   
For a while Abercrombie&Fitch was run by the [[Chinese]] communist government and used to make all of their uniforms. The brand also acts as a alert system for detecting a midlife crisis. As soon as somebody over 25 is seen holding an A&F bag, people automatically know that this person is in denial that they are an old fart.
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==History==
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In its early days, Abercrombie & Fitch was run by the [[Chinese]] [[Communist]] [[government]], for whom it made all the military uniforms.
   
The company encompasses five brands: Abercrombie & Fitch, abercrombie, Hollister Co., and RUEHL No.925 and Gilly Hicks. The company has a total of 16 other minor subsidiaries of which markets the same exact clothing to every generation from 5 to 65 years old. Prices however are raised 15% with each generation.
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In the modern era, the A&F brand still has a military function, serving as a Distant Early Warning system that detects midlife crises. As soon as someone over 25 is seen holding an A&F bag, people automatically know that he or she is an old fart in denial.
   
[[Image:Abercrombie waiting for Fitch.JPG|thumb|left|225px|Mr. Abercrombie is waiting for Mr.Fitch to show up for work, he's already 15 minutes late and he has the keys to the store!]]
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==Product line==
The original plan for the company was to provide not only clothing, but guns and hunting equipment as well (Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris were said to have frequented the store for Tec-9's and pipe bombs) to supply the local in-mall militia and eradicate all enemies of the Abercrombination. This quickly sparked an arm's race with "Hot Topicans" (The bitterest of the A&F enemies) in 2023 which led to a retail cold war that ended when the Hot Topic followers committed mass suicide after realizing that they had dedicated their whole miserable and unproductive lives to hating a clothing brand with an equally fascist passion. Most of the A&F crowd, however didn't celebrate for long. By 2031, 91% of the A&F army was dead due to spreading AIDS around the college campuses of america. The casual abercrombie costumer is still a pretty common find, however whiney complaints by emos and catholics alike have led the company to tone down it's formative image of quasi-nazi, militaristic, homosexual tendancies. However tensions still remain to this day.
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[[Image:Abercrombie waiting for Fitch.JPG|thumb|left|225px|Abercrombie is waiting for Fitch to show up for work. Fitch is already 15 minutes late, and he has the keys to the store.]]
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The company encompasses five brands: Abercrombie & Fitch, Have a Grumble & Bitch, Hollister Co., RUEHL No.925, and Gilly Hicks. The company has fully 16 other minor subsidiaries that market the exact same articles.
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The main brand is targeted toward [[high school]] and [[college]] students aged 15 through 25. The knock-off brands market to customers up to 65 years of age, at double the price. A children's line targets customers below 15. Prices for that merchandise are tripled, as someone other than the wearer is paying.
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{{wikipedia}}
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The original plan for the company was to provide not only clothing, but guns and hunting equipment as well. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris swore by A&F for their Tec-9's and pipe bombs.
   
==Items for Men==
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[[Image:Afpants.JPG|thumb|right|Typical new A&F merchandise merits an extra 30% premium for the "pre-worn" look.]]
[[Image:Afpants.JPG|thumb|right|typical new A&F merchandise.]]
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A&F has armed scores of Mall Cops in their quest to eradicate all enemies of the Abercrombination. This quickly sparked an [[Nuclear arms race|arms race]] with "Hot Topicans" — the bitterest enemies of A&F — which led to a retail cold war that ended when the [[Hot Topic]] followers committed mass suicide after realizing that they had dedicated their entire miserable lives to hating a brand in favor of an equally loathsome one.
*Shirts
 
**T-Shirts
 
**V-Necks
 
**Crew Necks
 
**Oxfords
 
**Polo
 
**Chest Hair
 
*Underwear
 
**Boxers
 
**Boxer Briefs
 
**Low Rise Briefs
 
**Bikini Briefs
 
*Pants
 
**Nothing at all
 
**Jeans with holes
 
**Shovels for digging jean holes
 
**Cargo Pants
 
**Cargo Shorts
 
**Shorts
 
*Fragrance
 
*Abercrombie Arm band
 
*Dildos (dildoes?)
 
*Token asians
 
*Token black people
 
*Token other racial minorities
 
*Good-looking arm candy
 
**Heterosexuality (only available at Flagship stores)
 
   
==In Store Marketing==
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==Marketing==
[[Image:Afboy.jpg|thumb|left|A&F Greeter]]
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Taking a page from [[Wal-Mart]], Abercrombie enlists the help of greeters — but, to differentiate itself from the giant discounter, the greeters are half-naked and male, as no A&F customer would want to see a half-naked [[woman]]. The Abercrombie & Fitch greeter boy's job is to stand and look pretty, stare down fat people and nonwhites, who might blemish the chain's reputation.
Taking a page from [[Wal-Mart]], Abercrombie has enlisted the help of greeters--the twist being that the greeters are all half-naked and male... because who'd want to see a half-naked [[woman]]? The Abercrombie & Fitch greeter boy's job is to stand and look pretty, stare down fat people, non white people, avoid helping customers and offer oral sex to anyone willing to take body-shots off of his ass.
 
   
==HR==
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Print advertising attempts to appeal to the casual Abercrombie customer, but whiny complaints from advocates from [[emo]]s to [[Catholic]]s have led the company to tone down its [[advertising]], or at least its emphasis on quasi-[[Nazi]] images, promiscuous pre-teens, and dead babies.
All employees take mandatory doses of [[ketamine]] and [[Xanax]] to put themselves in a K-Hole so they can perform their job as part of the A&F employee manual.
 
   
New employees are required to study and comment on the following photo to ensure they are on the same page as current
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==Human Resources==
store management.
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Employees take mandatory doses of ketamine and [[Xanax]] to be able to perform their job as specified in the employee manual.
<center>[[File:Straighttrap2.jpg]]<br />
 
 
   
Please note that store management actually does not want you to see this photo, this is for our new employee's eye's only and since you have already seen the photo, please come into one of our stores, fill out a job application with us & be sure to print a copy of the picture shown above and staple it to your application. This will make our hiring decision much easier for us. Thank You.
 
 
[[Category:Bastion of Corporate Evil]]
 
[[Category:Bastion of Corporate Evil]]
 
[[Category:2000s]]
 
[[Category:2000s]]

Latest revision as of 22:15, January 14, 2014

Destroyed
An Abercrombie advertisement from Highlights for Children magazine.

Abercrombie & Fitch (NYSE: ANF) is an American chain of stores that buys clothing from the local Goodwill and Salvation Army stores, sprays them with cologne, and re-sells them to fashion-conscious customers, now that they have become "trendy and stylish."

edit History

In its early days, Abercrombie & Fitch was run by the Chinese Communist government, for whom it made all the military uniforms.

In the modern era, the A&F brand still has a military function, serving as a Distant Early Warning system that detects midlife crises. As soon as someone over 25 is seen holding an A&F bag, people automatically know that he or she is an old fart in denial.

edit Product line

Abercrombie waiting for Fitch
Abercrombie is waiting for Fitch to show up for work. Fitch is already 15 minutes late, and he has the keys to the store.

The company encompasses five brands: Abercrombie & Fitch, Have a Grumble & Bitch, Hollister Co., RUEHL No.925, and Gilly Hicks. The company has fully 16 other minor subsidiaries that market the exact same articles.

The main brand is targeted toward high school and college students aged 15 through 25. The knock-off brands market to customers up to 65 years of age, at double the price. A children's line targets customers below 15. Prices for that merchandise are tripled, as someone other than the wearer is paying.

Bouncywikilogo3
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Abercrombie & Fitch.

The original plan for the company was to provide not only clothing, but guns and hunting equipment as well. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris swore by A&F for their Tec-9's and pipe bombs.

Afpants
Typical new A&F merchandise merits an extra 30% premium for the "pre-worn" look.

A&F has armed scores of Mall Cops in their quest to eradicate all enemies of the Abercrombination. This quickly sparked an arms race with "Hot Topicans" — the bitterest enemies of A&F — which led to a retail cold war that ended when the Hot Topic followers committed mass suicide after realizing that they had dedicated their entire miserable lives to hating a brand in favor of an equally loathsome one.

edit Marketing

Taking a page from Wal-Mart, Abercrombie enlists the help of greeters — but, to differentiate itself from the giant discounter, the greeters are half-naked and male, as no A&F customer would want to see a half-naked woman. The Abercrombie & Fitch greeter boy's job is to stand and look pretty, stare down fat people and nonwhites, who might blemish the chain's reputation.

Print advertising attempts to appeal to the casual Abercrombie customer, but whiny complaints from advocates from emos to Catholics have led the company to tone down its advertising, or at least its emphasis on quasi-Nazi images, promiscuous pre-teens, and dead babies.

edit Human Resources

Employees take mandatory doses of ketamine and Xanax to be able to perform their job as specified in the employee manual.

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