Abercrombie & Fitch

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Destroyed

An Abercrombie advertisement from Highlights for Children magazine.

Abercrombie & Fitch (NYSE: ANF) is an American chain of stores that buys clothing from the local Goodwill and Salvation Army stores, sprays them with cologne, and re-sells them to fashion-conscious customers, now that they have become "trendy and stylish."

edit History

In its early days, Abercrombie & Fitch was run by the Chinese Communist government, for whom it made all the military uniforms.

In the modern era, the A&F brand still has a military function, serving as a Distant Early Warning system that detects midlife crises. As soon as someone over 25 is seen holding an A&F bag, people automatically know that he or she is an old fart in denial.

edit Product line

Abercrombie waiting for Fitch

Abercrombie is waiting for Fitch to show up for work. Fitch is already 15 minutes late, and he has the keys to the store.

The company encompasses five brands: Abercrombie & Fitch, Have a Grumble & Bitch, Hollister Co., RUEHL No.925, and Gilly Hicks. The company has fully 16 other minor subsidiaries that market the exact same articles.

The main brand is targeted toward high school and college students aged 15 through 25. The knock-off brands market to customers up to 65 years of age, at double the price. A children's line targets customers below 15. Prices for that merchandise are tripled, as someone other than the wearer is paying.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Abercrombie & Fitch.

The original plan for the company was to provide not only clothing, but guns and hunting equipment as well. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris swore by A&F for their Tec-9's and pipe bombs.

Afpants

Typical new A&F merchandise merits an extra 30% premium for the "pre-worn" look.

A&F has armed scores of Mall Cops in their quest to eradicate all enemies of the Abercrombination. This quickly sparked an arms race with "Hot Topicans" — the bitterest enemies of A&F — which led to a retail cold war that ended when the Hot Topic followers committed mass suicide after realizing that they had dedicated their entire miserable lives to hating a brand in favor of an equally loathsome one.

edit Marketing

Taking a page from Wal-Mart, Abercrombie enlists the help of greeters — but, to differentiate itself from the giant discounter, the greeters are half-naked and male, as no A&F customer would want to see a half-naked woman. The Abercrombie & Fitch greeter boy's job is to stand and look pretty, stare down fat people and nonwhites, who might blemish the chain's reputation.

Print advertising attempts to appeal to the casual Abercrombie customer, but whiny complaints from advocates from emos to Catholics have led the company to tone down its advertising, or at least its emphasis on quasi-Nazi images, promiscuous pre-teens, and dead babies.

edit Human Resources

Employees take mandatory doses of ketamine and Xanax to be able to perform their job as specified in the employee manual.

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