There is no denying that over the last bunchload of decades America has come under attack many times. Usually there is a particular individual leading the attackers, a face for every foe. And on that face you will invariably find hair. Facial hair. These rebels, revolutionaries and ruffians do not rise to their positions of power by chance, they embrace the power bestowed on them by their magnificent moustaches. Don't believe me? Consider, if you will, the commies.
edit The Rise of Lenin
Vladimir Lenin was the first to use this immense power to lead his people. (If you don't count Lincoln, who stumbled upon it by mistake, never truly understanding the dark forces he dealt with.) Lenin, who had been known to hassle Grigori Rasputin over the source of his unholy power and womanizing skills, finally got sick of waiting for an answer. He and several others conspired to kill him. As Im sure you all know, this was damn tricky. When old Raspy finally did give up the ghost, his beardly secrets passed to the nearest bearded man. Lenin.
edit The Rise of Trotsky
Lenin immediately freaked out and created the Soviet Union through sheer force of will. This is a fact. Unfortunately for Lenin, he died. There was now a rather important question to ask. Who would inherit the revolution? Fortunately for Trotsky, Lenin had an answer.
With a pointier beard and a fuller moustache, Leon Trotsky was the perfect man for the job. Leon stood to take control of the largest country since ever! He would get all the vodka he could drink and all the capitalism he could crush. Yes, the future looked bright indeed for old Leon... Hmm? What's that ladies and gentlemen? Yes I think I hear it too... It sounds like the earthshaking roar of a power hungry Josef Stalin!!!!!!!!
edit The Last Rose of Stalin
Even with his beard/mustache synergy, Trotsky knew that he didn't stand a chance in hell against Josef Stalin's mighty fighty moustache of doom. He fled to Mexico City, the last place in the world that Stalin would look for him. There he hid for 3 years, completely unaware that Stalin had taken the form of his gardener. Finally, when Stalin felt that he had gained Trotsky's trust, he pulled an ice pick from his voluminous 'stache and rammed it right into Leon's trachea! RIGHT into his TRACHEA!!! Stalin then returned to the Soviet Union, his thirst for unprovoked vengeance slaked. Little did Stalin know that the Soviets had a neighbour who was still VERY thirsty. (Insert Nazi Fanta joke here)
edit Der Aufstieg des Führers
The greatest man ever to come out of Germany (oops Austria). Hitler and Stalin quickly became friends. That is until Adolph got bored with the western front. Stalin was shocked and... well ok, he wasn't shocked at all at this betrayal. As the war on, Hitler became more and more aware of the magnificence of the Stalinstash. Realizing that he could not compete, Hitler killed himself, thus killing his source of power.. his moustache. P.S. Britain and America did nothing. Moving on to Cuba...
edit Castro Rises from the Undead!
Fidel Castro and Che Guevara, both noted Cubans and facial hair aficionados, were planning a revolution of their own, but they knew they couldn't do it alone. They asked Stalin for help. Stalin generously gave Fidel the gift of long life and public speaking, while he gave Che the gift of kickass guerrilla warfare skills. Fidel felt a bit cheated, but he kept his mouth shut. You don't argue with the leader of the oppressed world. These superpowers required a regular supply of cigars to maintain, but this was not a problem. At all. The revolution was a smashing success. Cuba was even able to really badly embarrass America in battle. Seriously, I doubt the Caribbean will ever again see such ownage. To this day Cuba remains completely free of Americans. And Money.
edit The Fall of Communism
As for mother Russia, Stalin soon grew bored of running the Soviet Union. In a foolish effort to shake things up, he shaved his mustache and several items such as a box of cuban cigars fell out of it. Stalin died in his sleep several hours later. With Stalin dead and Castro embargoed and dying, the world will soon be bereft of mustachioed foes of America. Or will it?