A brief history of bullshit
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Foreword by Stephen Hawkings
Good evenings, my name is Stephen Hawkings and i'm a scientist. Now, now before you kids start infering that I be somewhat of a boring crap-heap, I actually happen to be quite the hipster. I can jig. Look. I can jig. Yeah. Just look at me go. Ooh. Ah. Don't touch it. Here we go. Yeah.
The following document, written by big peico of fat cow shit Alby Einstein, is probably the biggest influence on me, my work and my sex life. I ripped the shit out of it in my highly overrated, pseudo-scientific A Brief History of Time In which I myself play the second knight of Camelot and fight off evil black holes and shit. I was confined to a wheelchair at a young age but it has not hindered me mentally at all. My research and acclaim is proof of this second knight of Camelot and I have a great sex life, except when i rip my wifetoo hard. Who said otherwise? fuck you all.
One thing I hope that you gain from Einy's work is a dramatic decline in your homosexual gay life. Cause that's what you deserve fucker, with your "useful shoes" and your "moveable torso". Why the fuck do I even bother. No sex, n gay porno whats worth living for. Life sucks. Oh God. WILMER. WILMER SHOOT ME NOW...WILlmer suck my big black dick>
Chapter 1: Black Holes
Black Holes are shits. They eat everything and cough up scurvy...like street rodents. Really, black Holes are just glorified street rodents. Except they only squeak when touched by manitees. Goddamn, I've got Lice again. Black holes are, in comparison to glory holes, quite boring. They can be seen as the single most boring shit hole in the galaxy. They are so boring they are nicknamed: France of the Galaxy...
Formation of Black Holes
Unlike vaginas, Black holes do not get weaker or spotty over time. They're more like ears. The older they get, the bigger they grow and the more yellow shit they gather. Well, I guess in that sense they're like vaginas. But initially they begin as big fuck-off stars and like the leper falls under the weight of his own heavy head, the star too falls under the weight of the leper's heavy head. And also it's own gravity. The black-hole, like the leper, will frantically gather all the street rodents around it like a motorised vacuum. And the leper will survive. But the rodent will not. As my father would say:
“The leper and the Jew are the animals of the human world. We shall beat them with iron, we shall beat them with wood. But one thing is for sure. We will beat them. And beat them all. Death to Leper, death to Jew and Death to Street Rodent”
Origin of the Name
I have studied much into the savages of Africa and beyond. One thing I have learnt is that they resemble the Leper in nearly all ways. Out of respect for the Leper whose skin is predominately white, and sometimes green, I have avoided naming these holes Leper-Holes but rather opted for the word black, the most strikingly odd feature that separates these savages from the human species. At first Savage-holes or Rodent-holes seemed like my two most likely candidates. However upon gazing upon the skin of these creatures I had a moment of sorts that inspired me to really drive my disgust of their primitive being home. In all honesty I respect Street Rodents, Lepers, used Socks and sometimes even the Jew above these monsters. And all of those things disgust me greatly.
Chapter 2: The Universe
The Big Bang
Big Bang, Shmig Shmang. The only thing Big about the bang was the big load of crap it was. How does the Big Bang explain the Automobile? The Automobile is a miracle, no less, created by the miracle of god and the hands of the Leper and Jew. No Science can explain it. There was No Big Bang. IT WAS GOD! Death to Leper and Jew.
The Downward/Upward Motion Theory
This can be explained with a few simple rules.
- The Leper's limbs travel down.
- The Leper's numbers travel up.
- The Savage's privates hang down.
- The Savage's hair travels up.
- My Ham dinner travels down with the Street Rodent.
- The Street Rodent travels up onto my dinner plate.
- My wife's bosoms travel down.
- My wife's weight travels up.
Chapter 3: Time
There are many facets of this thing I call relativity. The best ones are:
These theories came to me as I watched the Street Rodents collect the limbs of the Leper who struggled to breathe. I began to think that the Leper may bear significant relation to the Jew because the Jew is also a sorry case. And perhaps if I could also create a theory that took into account the state of the Savage, my assertion that these creatures do in fact belong to the animal kingdom might be proven and it would no longer be against the law to dispose of them. My theories were correct and now, with the blessing of the nazi's I may finally be able to live in cleanliness, away from these infested streets and into noble living where I can enjoy the ham of my labour.
Alas, my hopes have soured into the heaven's, and just as a ping pong ball fails to hit the bat of an armless Leper, my hopes have fallen back down to Earth. A war has broken out and my research into boring atoms is getting more attention than the more important issues at stake. How am I ever going to eat ham without interruption from the street rodents and lepers without the help of my fellow countryman? Is it so important that some faraway savages not be allowed to bottom-feed in relative peace until problems of plague and Jew are taken care of at home?
I supposed not. Oh well...Hail Hitler. Bye for now.