A Victorian Gentleman's Guide to the Trivialities of Courtship
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Why the long face? What's this you say, you're having trouble with Women-folk? Oh dear Johnson, oh dear oh dear. Still, Stiff upper lip, or should I say Stiff lower member? Ha Ha Ha, that is the problem I assume Old boy?
What! Speak man!, you're not some mumbling Frisian I do hope! Do you walk around in wooden shoes? Do you spend your evenings getting baked, then calling directory enquiries, asking for the number to directory enquiries? HA. No, I didn't think so. You're BRITISH man! My God, speak up for the love of all that is gloriously pompous!
I hope you haven't been seeing those China-women Johnson. Oh Johnson you old rascal! You picked up an oriental venereal disease, didn't you? Oh there's no shame in it ole sport. Quite the rage. Come on man, whip it out, I'll see what I can do, come on don't be a shy old Aunt ...
Oh! Slow on the uptake, my boy. Why didn't you say so in the first place? You have trouble talking to the opposite sex. Well, to tell you the truth, I never saw the appeal in women myself, and I always thought that, like me, your loafers were airborne...
Say Again? Are you...?
No, No, not at all! What a thing to accuse me of! HAH HAH HAH! Now Johnson old boy, I'll help you with your problem. As I am an expert on the subject, I will take it upon myself to tell you everything you need to know about women. Let's fill up these glasses before we start, Johnson my rogue.
Step the First; In Which You Shall Approach the Lady in Question With Much Vigour and Manliness
Women. Can't live with them, Can't live with them .... What? Oh yes, Now listen carefully Johnson, this first stage is quite simple. Ladies don't like you to beat around the bush, so to speak. Well, maybe the Prussian girls - HA HA HA! Do you get it? It's because they are ... oh never mind, chirst, no wonder this ninny can't get laid. You should exude confidence from every pore, from every glance and utterance, and from the very core of your being, man! Stride confidently like a lion! Regard her with a sneer and a toss of your manly hair and DEMAND that she talk to you. Go on, practice on me, we're all friends here!
“Um ok, uh, Hi, I'm Sir Charles Johnso-”
Ah- Can I briefly interrupt you there ole chap. Look into my eyes, it'll make it more real, yes ... that's nice, oh yes, please continue!
“... Uh, as I was saying, well, you really look wonderful tonight, and well ...... would you mind terribly ... shagging me?”
No, no, no, see, there was your first mistake. You should have addressed me as 'My Lady'. Immediately you have lost my respect, not just in the roleplay, but in real life, rude sir. I actually like you a little less ... Oh, Ha Ha Ha, only kidding, lets try it again, shall we, but this time, pout a little ... a little more .... that's it - bingo on the back of Queen Vicky! Yes, yes, pout, that's hot, keep going. No, no, I'm sweating from the heat in here, Johnson. Summer in London you know. OK, lets try it again. ACTION!
Oh well then, ... START!
“Oh! My Lady Humphrington--”
Nice, a fine yumpshire squire, now pout more!
“Lady Humphrington, what an enchanting evening dress, what colour is your pubic hair?”
Ok, good enough. Onwards to stage the second.
Stage The Second; In Which You Shall Converse With the Lady in Question, and Pretend to Show an Interest in Her Tedious Life
Alright Johnson, this is the stage that separates the men from the boys - myself, I'm partial to both pray tell. What? Nothing! Women are renowned for their personalities, or lack thereof! Ha! HA HA, Can I get a high-five Johnson? Come on, don't leave me hanging sir!
My, your hands are so soft - Moving on. Women, although varying in size and gender, are all pretty similar. Topics of interest include Sewing, Embroidery, casual racism, tragic tales involving small animals, and other such nonsense. Topics of disinterest: Sports, making sense, poker, and toilets. They never talk about toilets, have you noticed, Johnson. And it's been proven by Science that women's brains are half the size of a male chimp's, which explains much about their daily cleanings. Overall, good Sir, just try to make yourself sound like you really do give a rat's arse about their feelings and plans. Speaking of which, would you mind perking up a little? Just stretch. Oh yeah, go on, stretch ... Stretch MAN. Better. Bend your spine backward, let me see the arch. Perfect. Ok, lets roleplay again. Aaaaand Action!
“uh well, uh-”
Stop dilly-dallying man!
“Maam, you look really beautiful, much like the uh ... stoat with a broken ... wing ... that I nursed back to health. Have you ever seen a 2-incher?”
Perfect! Let's go on to Stage the third.
Stage the Third; In Which the Hitherto Casual Relationship Advances Into More Amorous Territory
You're doing exceptionally well Johnson. Ok, now I want you to use your imagination this time. Imagine you're a big scary tiger. C'mon ole chap, growl, growl Johnson, go on ...
“This is weird”
HA HA HA! You always were the joker Johnson Old Boy. But seriously, growl ... I need this ....
“I'm having second thoughts abou-”
GROWL, YOU PANSY!
Yeah, you like it when I make you do stuff, um *cough* *cough* I mean - uh - The ladies love that sort of thing. So be a bit more assertive, c'mon, give it a go. Okay, I know! Lets try some dirty talking. And don't mind my hand down my trouser leg, I have a terrible... itch, Boer War jungle rot I've been told.
“Ah, I think I should leave”
The Fuck you will, you're in this shit too deep now motherfucker! Now talk dirty to me like you would to those tarts you've been stalking. Make me feel like a little slut!
“Oh my God, Sir, I really should be going -”
DO IT OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU,
I WILL FUCK YOU UP MOTHERFUCKER
.... Now .... Impress me ....
“uh well, oh christ, um”
SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BITCH
Um, lets take this to the next stage ... uh, I can't guarantee you an orgasm, but uh, I do own some arable land in the Hindu Kush if you're interested ...”
Ok, now mount me,
“No Sir, I am leaving, this is weird”
It's not weird! It's entirely normal. It's called courtship you ninny!
No, wait! Don't go! Oh well, I would have showed him how to get any Lady alive. Must be a faggot. Well, time for a little aged strong-mans-poison, hair of the dog as it were, and then home to Penelope and the brood. Barkeep, another round, and don't scrimp on the pourage. Ah, good evening Bishop, care to join me for a pick-me-up?