Canadian Morning Show
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Canadian Celebrity Convention
Avril Lavigne: Where the hell am I? Who are you people? I don't, like, need you! I don't, like, have to listen to anyone! Grr!
Ellen Page: Avril, chill. You're just at another Canadian Celebrity Conference. I have no idea why you keep forgetting but- HEY! Five seconds just went by! Hey everybody, I'm quirky and indie!
Avril Lavigne: I don't get why you, like, have to keep telling everyone every five seconds how quirky and indie you are, Ellen. I mean, like, what the-
Ellen Page: Hey HEY I'M QUIRKY!
Sarah Chalke: Ehmagawd! You guys! It's so nice to see you all again!
Ellen Page: Also indie!
Avril Lavigne: What are you, like, talking about, strange blonde twitchy girl? We don't even, like, know you. Like y'know?
Ellen Page: Yeah, you're not at all as quirky as me, nor are you as indie.
Sarah Chalke: What? No! You know me. I'm Elliott Reid from Scrubs, the sitcom! With Zach Braff!
Ellen Page: Now HE'S quirky and indie.
Sarah Chalke: No! Don't think about him, think about me! What about Roseanne?
Avril Lavigne: Doesn't ring a bell to me.
Ellen Page: Yeah, but you also pronounced David Bowie's name wrong once. I mean, who DOES that? He's DAVID fucking BOWIE.
Avril Lavigne: Whatever, JUNO. I don't need you. Ehn!!
Sarah Chalke: Hey guys, it's William from the Black Eyed Peas!
will.i.am: Naw dawg, it's will.i.am.
Ellen Page: That's weird, why do you pronounce it that way? It doesn't even sound "gangsta", you just sound like you're a character in Green Eggs and Ham.
will.i.am: It's supposed to be artsy.
Avril Lavigne: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ART IS! You don't know like anything about me! You don't know me! Piss off, Fergie's Entourage Member!
Sarah Chalke: Guys, guys, stop! Have you all forgotten the real reason we're here?
Ellen Page: To be quirky and/or indie?
Sarah Chalke: No! The real reason we're here is because we're all Canadians! You know, the land of the chill and the home of the eh?
Avril Lavigne: I don't fucking need Canada!
will.i.am: Yes, Avril. Yes you do, yo.
Ellen Page: We all need Canada. Even the quirky and indie ones among us. She is our lady, oh, she is our home.
Sarah Chalke: Right! Now do you think we can all get along under the one common bond that unites us?
Avril Lavigne: Instability?
will.i.am: No, shawty. Canadian citizenship.
All: Oh Canada! Our home and native land!
Our First Commercial Break
Well, hi everyone! It's me, Amberly LeQuaince here again! I bet you want me to give you some MORE Ready Recipes, huh? And by the way, I had a PlexiGlas screen installed so now you can't throw overripe produce at me anymore! Mmk? Let's get goin'!
Roast Polar Bear Kidneys
- Find a sleeping polar bear.
- Shoot it with a tranquilizer blow dart.
- Drag it back to your igloo one-handed as a feat of strength.
- Remove the bear's kidneys.
- Take a Sharpie and write "BOTH YOUR KIDNEYS ARE GONE. CALL 911" on the bear's paw.
- Return the bear to the place you found it.
- Spear the kidneys on a sharp-pointed stick.
- Roast them over a fire.
Sweet Pickled Beaver
- Try to stop laughing at the name.
- No, seriously.
- Okay, you know what? It's not even that funny.
- Of course we mean the ANIMAL beaver.
- Oh, fuck it.
Boiled Otter Toes
- Remove the toes from a chubby otter.
- Bring 2 cups of water to a rolling boil.
- Place each toe into the water, adding a cup of- Holy shit, he's back. Run. No, seriously, man, RUN. I'm not fucking around here, he's pissed off that you took his toes and he's back. You may think otters can't run well with all their toes missing, but you're wrong. Here, try this. Hey, otter! What's that over there! Okay, now- no wait. Okay. Okay, now! Run while he's looking over there!
Our Second Commercial Break
Hockey for Healthcare
Hockey for Healthcare was an historical hockey match between Wayne Gretsky and Dave Coulier. They played one-on-one. If Dave Coulier won, Canada would be renamed Well Blow Me Down! and if Wayne Gretsky won, all Canadian citizens would get free healthcare. It was a close game, Dave Coulier being the masterful goalie that he is, but ultimately Wayne won- and that is how the Canadians started not caring if they injured themselves.
This is our most favorite hobby! Watch!
What are you going on a-bote a-gane? I'm sore-ry but I can't understand why you can't just wait until to-more-oh to buy your snowshoes. You don't even have enough Toonies to buy them! You hoser!
See, wasn't that just grand?
Polar Bear Grand Prix
This is an annual event where all the Canadians who have trained their whole lives compete to win glory, fame, whores, and more Loonies than you can shake a beaver at! Each athlete mounts their polar bear (but not in that way) and races them across the snowy tundra. Much like the Iditarod races, these can take days to complete. But worry not- Canadians are all born with a layer of blubber to keep their bodies warm in extreme conditions.
I don't know what you're on about. Canadians don't like hockey that much, nor do we like beer. At all. In fact, we'd much rather enjoy a nice heady Merlot while re-reading Catcher in the Rye. We're a very sophisticated people, actually.
Our Third Commercial Break
See You To-more-oh!
Well, that about does it for this morning, everyone! Enjoy your day, and be sure to wake up with us again to-more-oh. And remember kids, always use a condom!