A Talking Boat

Don't you just hate it when you get into a boat, expecting nothing more than a quiet sail around the marina, or a spot of whale harpooning, and all of a sudden it turns around and starts talking to you, telling you that you are the chosen one and have to go on an epic quest and shit?

Wouldn't you much rather just laze around your island cutting down grass and chasing errant piglets? Perhaps you'd prefer to stay home with your soup-wielding grandmother, rolling around incessantly and attempting to hit your neighbor with a sword hundreds and hundreds of times? Or maybe you'd like to dedicate your free time to repeatedly entering and exiting peoples' private properties and breaking their pots in an attempt to discover how it is exactly that they regenerate so quickly?

Well here's how.

First Step: Identification

Keep your eyes open and your wits about you, or you too can fall prey to this possessed freak.

Does your boat have...?

• A bearded prow?
• A lurid red and yellow colour scheme?
• A mouth?
• A disgruntled expression?
• A raspy, sagacious voice?

If your vessel displays one or more of these symptoms, it is likely that you have a talking boat. Don't get in. It'll steal you away from your family and make you wear an unflattering green elf costume.

Second Step: Evasion

Talking boats are generally unsinkable and have an inbuilt homing instinct, much like the domestic pigeon. However, being a member of the fish species, they are seaborn and thus pose no harm unless you decide to go swimming. But why on earth would you? There are cyclones and octopi and turtles out there, just waiting to devour you. Plus, I'm pretty sure you can only do some weak cross-breed of doggy paddle and breast stroke.

Simply stay on land. Look, look, it's stuck in the water! Ha ha! It can't touch you now! You're free to roam around like an idiot, jumping off cliffs and hitting things with your sword!

Famous Talking Boats In History

Other than The King of Red Lions, the most famous talking boat is the SS Titanic, which famously died after a shock collision with a large, looming iceberg.

Two main theories surround its untimely demise:

• The Suicide Theory: The Titanic was a well-known misanthropist. It is suspected that the unbridled hedonism and dilly-dallying of its occupants was too much for the nettlesome vessel and as a response to this, it sunk itself out of spite.

• The Murder Theory: Some suspect that the death of the Titanic was not, as generally assumed, an unhappy accident, but was in fact the result of gross misconduct and unrelenting abuse on the part of its captain. Known to have bragged about the speed of the ship, it is rumoured that his overzealous coal-shovelling into its iron lungs led it to contract the common cold, which filled its lower organs with mucus and caused a slow, painful sinking.

Recently, the Titanic has been the subject of a small arthouse movie of the same name. Critics of the film lambast its callous dismissal of the ship's own narrative and overbearing focus on a tedious romance. The film's soundtrack featured a rap by Celine Dion that sampled recordings of actual ships screaming.

Stop, Children, What's That Sound..

Next time you're in a marina or out at sea, listen to the loud, melancholy bellows emitted by our metal friends. It sounds much like the music of indie-electro group Whalesong, only less aggravating.

Recordings of boatsong are available, and are often prescribed by medical doctors to those suffering from stress or anxiety. Results of listening to boatsong range from feelings of serenity to tranquility to vague dissatisfaction.

Things Easily Mistaken For Talking Boats

• Actual red lions that are capable of walking on water and talking
• KITT/Knight Rider
• Whales
• P Diddy's yacht
• A talking raft
• Normal boats
• Jesus