A Satyr's Tragedy

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Stop hand Attempt to explain joke
Before I tell the story, it is imperative I explain what a Satyr is, as the public school system doesn't believe in teaching all kids about Greek Gods, any more. Blame McCartneyism. I do. Anyway, according to Greek mythology, satyrs are the male companions of Pan and Dionysus that roamed the woods and mountains. They were often associated with sex drive and apparently had perpetual erections. I know. It's fucking magical or something.


edit It's story time, kiddies

Satyr statuette

This is what Stan wasn't.

There was once a satyr named... Stan. Yeah. Anyway, Stan was very different from other satyrs. You see, he suffered from ED. This made all of the other satyrs, with their perpetual erections and abilities to balance cups of wine on said erections, to make fun of him constantly (think Rudolph, but not a bastardized mix of Judaism, Paganism, and Christianity). Even the satyr named Phil, the one who trained Hercules and had a penis so small it wasn't visible to the naked eye, was more popular than Stan.

edit Early childhood

Cyclopsjc

Cyclops raped his father later on.

When Stan was very young, his only friend was his brother. This all changed when his brother had his penis beaten by Perseus. After having his penis beaten by a baby God, his brother became extremely popular. He never hung out with Stan again. This made Stan very suicidal. Due to his suicidal tendencies, the satyrs god Dionysus abandoned them on an island off the coast of Greece called Sicily. The satyrs were then made the slaves of Cyclops. This made Stan even more hated.

One day an adventurer named Odysseus, along with his crew, landed in Sicily at Mount Aetna near the location of the satyrs. When Stan's father encountered the hungry travellers, he traded some of Cyclops's food for liquor without permission from Cyclops. When Cyclops saw Odysseus eating his food, he became very frustrated and tried to kill him. Stan tried to tell Cyclops what happened, but he was thoroughly beaten by the one-eyed giant, who claimed he was a lying phony. While Cyclops beat the shit out of Stan, Odysseus and his crew retreated to their ship and left. They didn't even bother to thank Stan for saving them.

All of the satyrs made fun of Stan for helping a human for the next three months.

edit Later childhood

After being betrayed by both humans and satyrs, Stan realized that everyone was a douche, even writing an entire journal about it. He stopped trying to be cool. He wrote a few songs about being "artsy and misunderstood" and also founded a My Chemical Romance fansite.

On the weekends, he would go to comic book stores and pick fights about if the entire Green Lantern Corps could beat Jay Garrick, the original Flash. Usually, the fight would end with Stan getting shoved into a garbage can and rolled down the street. The store owner, a fat balding man by the name of Comic Book Guy, hated him, but Stan was his best customer. One day though, the other satyrs broke into Stan's house and destroyed all of Stan's first-edition Lois Lane comics from World War II and left X-Men comics in their place. The X-Men comics only served as a reminder of when he was a child and his father was raped by Cyclops. Forever scarred, Stan no longer would read another comic book. The loss of comic books caused Stan to become even more depressed.

Stan was stil very lonely.

edit Adolescence

Yahoo

He learned game where?!

Satyr by lolita art

He actually thought he could get this. Fool.

When all of the other satyrs spent their free time drinking alcohol, dancing, and gang-raping Helen, Stan would be in his room, alone, trying to get an erection. Stan was very smart (So smart in fact everyone in his geometry class cheated off him every fucking day.), but no matter what he learned, he still couldn't find a way to get an erection. All that porn he looked at only made him hornier, but he was incapable of getting it up.

He fell in love with a satyress in his film class. This female satyress was very artistic and was also a member of the choir. She wasn't at all attracted to him (Why would she be? Seriously...), but Stan had a plan! He was learning some game by listening to the advice of people on Yahoo! Answers and was learning pick up chicks. Of course, it didn't matter how much he improved his game as he was still ugly and couldn't get it up. Then, a miracle happened! Some guy invented a pill that gives erections!!! Stan ordered a full box of the magical pills. He was going to get lucky, dammit!

He started using the game he learned to get the satyress to like him. Eventually, Stan managed to get her to even give him hugs. Whenever she would hug him, Stan would get a tingling in his pants. One day, Stan decided it was now or never. He was going to get laid. He had asked the satyress to the movies. She accepted. Stan prepared his arsenal. Chloroform rag, some money, a pack of Trident, one extra small Trojan, and the full bottle of the magical pills. Stan swallowed the full bottle.

He got to the movies just 30 minutes later, and he ran up to where she was standing. She was very much impressed by his lack of limpness. They proceeded to enter the theatre. Two tickets to see Wolverine: The Musical, a bag of gummi bears, two Dr. Peppers, and a small box of nachos for the lady. They sat down in the third to last row. It was clean for once. Plus, there weren't many people around. It was all going Stan's way for once (Priceless!!!).

Thirty minutes into the movie, Stan was still hard, but the satyress was too into the movie, which would last for another four hours, to do anything about it.

edit Conclusion

When the movie ended, the satyress looked at Stan and told him she was ready. Stan gave no response. He sat there with a blank stare. Stan had died due to how long the bloodflow had been redirected from his brain to his penis. Also, blood started oozing from the head of Stan's penis.

That, kids, is why you should see a doctor if you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours. I'm serious.


The End.


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