A Midsummer Night's Dream
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“Yeah, I tried to write a poem about asses once. Although it wasn't so much of a poem as it was a reenactment. And it wasn't so much a reenactment as it was an enactment. And it wasn't so much doing it once as it was doing it several times per day. And it wasn't so much doing it several times per day as it was doing it constantly with every man, woman, and stoat in the town.”
“Well, this appears to be a boring novel.”Written by William Shakespeare as a "fuck you" present to Queen Elizabeth I, while under the influence of marijuana after a night of huffing in the bushes with his lover, Britney Spears, A Midsummer Night's Dream quickly rose in popularity under its original title, One-hundred And One Ass Jokes (A Comedie). The unabridged version contains more nudity, faerie frolicking, and bestiality than its far more tame modern day counterpart.
While many consider Shakespeare's other works to hold some literary merit, they concede that Shakespeare is also pretty damn good at telling ass jokes.
The play was recently remade as a musical Puck's Potion.
Cast of Characters
The cast consists of:
- Puck (Briefly introduced to rhyme with the word fuck once or twice.)
- Oberon and Titania (Originally Huge Cockmanguy and Big ol' Juggies)
- Mr. Ass for a Head, the figurative and literal butt of many a joke.
- Minor cast members
The following list of characters is in alphabetical order
Bottom is an ass. He is so much of a selfish egotistical ass that he is even literally an ass for part of the story. That really says something about him. He likes to act. That says something about him. His family is not discussed in the play. That also says something about him. Yet in spite of him being an ass, a dead woman named Titania falls in love with him. That also says something about him. Oh, and someone considering a sex change calls him Pyramus. That also says something about him. (In Act 5, it is arguable that Bottom actually dies, but this is largely disproved when he gets up again. However, he may be responsible for Flute's death, though Quince does not die. This of course in addition says something about him.) Actually, everything about him says something about him. That last sentence also says something about him. That link up there says something about him. His willingness to kiss another dude says something about him! His being the first person listed on this list of characters says something about him! His ability to stay alive and monolougue five minutes after he's stabbed himself in the heart says something about him! What does it all say about him, you may ask? I don't know, the fact that you are still reading this also says something about him! Wikipedia says some stuff about him!
Cobweb is one of the four boring fairies in the play. Really, who gives a shit about some dumbass fairies? Like most of Titanic's fairies, Cobweb lacks free will. Cobweb is a detached part of Titania that Titania directly controls, Titania's fairy-eye coordination is quite good. While the name is not mentioned, Cobweb is actually one of the fairies in Act 2. See also Peaseblossom. He also likes to suck on some mean as cock. if you read in act ll scene l he states well im going of to go suck some mean dick!!
Demetrius likes to hit it and quit it. He also loved Helena. But then we learn he values money more than anything, for when Egeus bribes Demetrius to pretend to love Hermia, Egeus's daughter, Demetrius obeys, wanting the money and actually falling in love with Hermia. However, Demetrius dies. Except that's not the end to it, for Demetrius's body continues to act, loving Helena. (Note that it is not Demetrius loving Helena, for he is dead.) Demetrius's body even takes part in a marriage, in spite of being dead. Please note that Demetrius is not Lysander, nor is he anyone else. He is, however, dead.
Egeus is evil. Wanting to put revenge on Helena for attempting to murder him, and also wanting to rid of his daughter Hermia who hates him, Egeus does the following. Egeus bribes Demetrius to break up with his girlfriend Helena to try to marry Hermia. Since Egeus has been best friends with dictator Theseus since early childhood, Theseus will value what Egeus wants above the law. Egeus takes advantage of this, telling Theseus to threaten to kill Hermia if she does not marry Demetrius. Egeus likes this, for it gets rid of Hermia for sure and also puts down Helena. Demetrius also likes this, for he wants the money. However, Egeus is betrayed by Theseus in Act 4. Soon afterward, Egeus commits suicide.
Flute is under an identity crisis and he is considering a sex change. He therefore decides to take part in a play and find out what it's like to be a woman by playing the part of a woman named Thisbe. Quince accepts Flute's eagerness to play the part. However, in the middle of the play performance in Act 5, Flute commits suicide.
Helena is Hermia's best friend since childhood, and, with Hermia (who hates her bad father Egeus) 's demanding, Helena attempts to murder Egeus but fails. As a result, Egeus revenges Helena, and Helena loses her love Demetrius. Later, in Act 3, Helena is suddenly loved by two dead people, but does not realize it. Sadly for Helena, she ends her story by marrying a talking corpse whom she does not know is dead. Yes, she's at a loss and also liked to have hardcore lesbian anal finger sex.She is A mother fucker.
Hermia is best known for her hate of her father, Egeus. Hermia is second-best known for her love of her boyfriend, Lysander. Hermia is third-best known for her hate of Demetrius (fortunately for her he dies). Hermia is fourth-best known for her friendship with Helena. Hermia is fifth-best known for her marriage with Lysander in Act 5.
Hippolyta's nickname is Hippie, and this actually says a lot about her. She has delusions and hallucinations about sleeping with Greek gods, and the fact that she is repeated being raped by the guy she's about to marry (Theseus) doesn't even barely register in her mind. If you haven't guessed already that all this is because she's high on zillions of drugs, you're stupid. She smokes and drinks, is high on pot, takes cocaine, heroin, various hallucinogens, mild tranquilizers, illegally takes prescription drugs, and inhales things, among many others. She is a druggie.
Lysander is madly in love. Well, okay, he's a good guy. It's too bad he's unconscious during Acts 2 and 3, but he comes back and is just as before in Act 4. He's actually a nice guy. By the end, he is happily married, but in the epilogue is crushed by a steam roller. Just goes to show you that there never is a happy ending.
Moth is the boringest of the four boring fairies of Titania, who no one gives a shit about. Moth barely speaks to the extent that it is questionable whether Mot even has more than one line in the whole play. And this is not because of being deaf or mute. Rather, it is believed to be because Mot is autistic. It is also rumored that Moth lacks free will and is actually a robot, or a rairy or fobot. Many have speculated he will play a role in Terminator 4, where he must find John Connor for the thousanth time.
One of the four boring fairies of Titania, Mustardseed is also the only one out of the four of them that certainly has something amazing by fairy standards: free will. Mustardseed uses this power to have a free-from-Titania anonymous appearance in Act 2. Mustardseed's sex is uncertain.
While many view Oberon as ageless with his title "King of Fairies", it is more than obvious that Oberon is middle-aged. In fact, it is very clear that Oberon is going through a mid-life crisis. He has cheated on his wife Titania, and, worse yet, has attempted to rape Hippolyta, though he failed because Theseus beat him to it. Worse yet, he wants Titania's own adopted child to steal, and he knocks Titania out to get it. Worse yet is what he wants to do with the child, since the reason he wants this boy known only as "Indian" is to sexually molest him. Yes, Oberon is a child molester. Worse than that, even, Oberon is a murderer. Oberon kills Demetrius, or at least is responsible for his death, in fact, he let mentally retarded Puck do the dirty work. Nevertheless, we see that Oberon is a morally bad guy, pretty bad.
Let it be known that as despicable a character as Oberon is, he's a total badass and can ruin anyone's shit without blinking. He eats children for fun and causes family murder cylces. In the list of immortal badasses we have Odin and Oberon and that's pretty much it. Not even his wife can hold anything against him since he just makes her fuck a donkey for a few hours just for his amusement. Hail Oberon!
Peaseblossom is one of the four fairies in the play. Like most of Titania's fairies, Peaseblossom is beautiful. Peaseblossom is part of Titania that Titania directly controls, . While the name is not mentioned, Peaseblossom is actually one of the fairies in Act 2. poop
Philostrate is the only notable servant of Theseus, mostly because he is the only servant with his own lines. Perhaps it is best to describe Philostrate's character by quoting him: "I am ever-so-consistently loyal to my glorious master, boss, and king. It is my deep honor to loyally serve the great mighty King Theseus. I shall therefore deeply merrily serve Theseus and do all in my power to do exactly as Theseus wants, and never to do something or anything whatsoever that even slightly annoys Theseus. I shall do exactly as Theseus pleases, for Theseus good and he pay me minimum wage and he feed me well."
(Note: Puck is also known as Robin.) Puck (Robin) is Oberon's main servant, or as one put it, "Oberon's Philostrate", only Puck is a much more major character. This is almost certainly because Puck is a more interesting character. The main thing you need to know about him is that he is mentally retarded. While he is physically an adult, he has a mental age of about five or six. Because of that, Puck has only the capacity to do as Oberon tells him to do, and to just be his stupid self and act like a kid. Puck, unfortunately, likes to play with people, to stupidly and blindly mess up their lives out of his stupidity. He succeeds in doing Oberon's dirty work, i.e. killing Demetrius, then goes too far and also knocks Lysander unconscious. He watches Titania be dead, then fools around with Bottom, then with Titania. He doesn't know what he's doing, nor does he know anything.
Quince is a skilled playwright and director, and it has been suggested that by Shakespeare including Quince it is such that Quince actually represents William Shakespeare himself. Quince directs the performance of the play Pyramus and Thisbe, and fails miserably. Judging by the problems the various actors have, this isn't very surprising. Quince is okay.
Snout used to be a human, but in the middle of the play, perhaps Act 3, he turned into a wall, never to be human again. He thus remained this inanimate object, the only remaining human characteristics being the abilities to talk and pass wind.
Snug, plays a lion in the play within the play. He is afraid of playing the lion because if he makes his roar to loud it will scare the ladies and they all (people in the play) be hung. Snug has a hard time remembering is lines therefore he is known as the "stupid man."
As his name suggests, Starveling starvels all the time. Nobody knows what that means, but it certainly is so. Starveling thinks he is Neil Armstrong hundreds of years ahead of time. It is also known that Starveling is homosexual. This is perfectly okay though.
Theseus is the King. This makes him very powerful over Hippolyta, Philostrate, Hermia, Egeus (only later), and everyone else. Yet still Theseus likes his best friend since childhood, Egeus. They've long been pals. This leads Theseus to give in his power to Egeus, authorizing Egeus to kill Hermia if he wishes. (This isn't actually a normal law, contrary to misconception. This was in a utopia.) Theseus also rapes Hippolyta again and again, taking advantage of her drug addictions. However, later in the play Theseus betrays Egeus in Act 4 and marries Hippolyta in Act 5.
Titania is Oberon's wife. Titania likes Theseus too, but Theseus doesn't care, he's too busy. Titania is also a great adoptive mother to Indian. When Titania gets delirious (It's Oberon's fault.), she mistakes Bottom for Indian. This is disastrous, for Indian gets molested. Titania is also known for her direct control of Peaseblossom. Titania is also known for her direct control of Cobweb. Titania is also known for her direct control of and imposition of autism on Mot. Titania is also known for her watch over Mustardseed. Titania is also known for delivering the punch line, for she is the last character in alphabetical order.
- What was Shakespeare smoking when he wrote this? Should it be legalized?
- Would you call the Puck a liar? Would you call him a Puck?
- Since a robin is a bird and a goodfellow is a gangster, can we assume that Puck is a feather-brained hoodlum? Discuss.
- If you had a dream like this, would you commit suicide afterwards? Why or why not? If not, would you ever be able to sleep again?
- Does being a fairy make Oberon gay? Does being married make him straight? Justify your answer.
- If you took all of the sex away from this production would it still be interesting? Discuss.
- Would you fuck Puck? Justify your answer.
- Why god, Why?
- If a woodchuck could chuck wood how much wood could a wood chuck chuck?
- Why could Shakespeare not possibly be the author of this play? Who is the real author? Do you think it could be worth communicating this evidence to any Shakespeare or general theatre groups in your area? They will almost certainly want to hear about it.
|The complete works of William Shakespeare|
|Tragedies:||Antony and Cleopatra | Coriolanus | Hamlet | Julius Caesar | King Lear | Macbeth | Othello | Romeo and Juliet | Timon of Athens | Titus Androgynous | Titus Andronicus | Troilus and Cressida|
|Comedies:||A Midsummer Night's Dream | All's Well That Ends Well | As You Like It | The Comedy of Errors | Cymbeline | Love's Labour's Lost | Measure for Measure | The Merchant of Venice | The Merry Wives of Windsor | Much Ado About Nothing | Pericles, Prince of Tyre | Taming of the Shrew | The Tempest | Twelfth Night | The Two Gentlemen of Verona | The Two Noble Kinsmen | The Winter's Tale|
|Histories:||King John | Richard I | Richard II | Henry IV, Part 1 | Henry IV, Part 2 | Henry V | Henry VI, part 1 | Henry VI, part 2 | Henry VI, part 3 | Henry VIII | Richard III | Richard IV | Richard V | Richard VI | Richard VII | Richard VIII | Richard IX | Richard X|
|Poems and Sonnets:||Venus and Adonis | The Rape of Lucrece | The Passionate Pilgrim | The Phoenix and the Turtle | A Lover's Complaint | Sonnet 18|