Air traffic control
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Air traffic control (ATC), is a free-of-charge directly-linked chat phone server that help elderly people spend the rest of their days talking to bored airline pilots. Old-aged people who sign up for this ATC chat portal are called "Air traffic controllers".
The language used in ATC sessions are slightly different from usual phone calls and chats, as very old people usually experience a mutation in their brains at around the age of 85. After this mutation, they seem to develop problems speaking and giving directions normally. To help these elderly people talk successfully using the ATC server, the ICAO and FAA adopts the ATC language (Anciently Traditional Chats, which is currently used widely by old people born before 1825) for Air traffic control sessions.
Air Traffic Control was first developed by the British in the 1920s, when a bunch of British 90 years olds began to protest the government for not giving them enough free tea to drink at home. The British government then gave these very, very old people something else--- a free phone!! With a direct connection to exciting pilots sitting on planes at London's airport!!
Then, in the 1950s, the Americans elderly, bored of game cards and cut short on exciting WW2 headlines, began to protest the U.S. government for not providing them with enough entertainment. The U.S., seeing the success the U.K. has on keeping their elderly entertained, decided to be a copycat and stole one of U.K.'s ATC servers, and reverse engineered it and began to manufacture it in domestic U.S. factories. This was very successful at first, but after several years, the American 90 years olds began to get bored again because the pilots they talk to fell asleep all the time, and they wanted to talk and be able to see the planes themselves at the same time. Therefore, the FAA put forth a new plan, and built towers at airports with ATC servers installed inside, so 90 years old controllers can see the planes. However, talking to planes could be sometimes be dangerous too. Many elder people began to get drowsy after talking for several hours, and began misdirecting planes. This resulted in multiple mid-air and ground sexual contacts between planes, including one that occurred on an island off the coast of North Africa, which killed more than 500 people. To keep aviation safe, the U.S. government along with the ICAO came up with numerous, mind-blowing ATC rules and traffic separation procedures, which could be compressed all into one 3000 pages regulation book. Also, in case the elderly at ATC sessions has Alzheimer's and completely forget the rules, the ICAO installed STCA (Short-term Conflict Alert) systems on ATC screens to warn the 90 years olds if they had put two jumbo jets on a course for performing sex with each other.
Today, 90 years olds and still talking to planes each day, but the FAA administrator has yet put forth a personal guarantee that these controllers are the best trained, prepared, and readied professionals of all industries on this planet. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, there is absolutely no need for you to worry about your safety at airports or in the air (at least to a point you won't have to panic about your plane performing sex with another plane)
Air Traffic Control, of course, use Air Traffic Control or "Anciently Traditional Chats" language. Below is a professional sample session at a major US airport on a quiet weekend.
UAL 3422: Ground, United 3422 ready to taxi
ATC Ground: (coughing) ... right... I had a bad infection yesterday with my grand-daughter, you know, it's E. Coli.
UAL 3422: OK acknowledge that, but do we have clearance to taxi? United 3422
ATC Ground: Yeah, yeah. United 3422 is cleared to taxi. Expect runway, um, well... it looks like all the runways are quite filled. By the way, what's your name son?
UAL 3422: Uh, it's captain Mark here, we acknowledge the push clearance
ATC Ground: Yep. And have you by any chance been to Walmart's lately? 'cause I am curious on whether or not their onions are on sale, my daughter wanted me to buy her some for her boyfriend
UAL 3422: Negative United 3422. But can we request directions for taxi to take off, we've got a busy schedule ahead
ATC Ground: Okay, from what I see here in the tower you are headed for Las Vegas... is that correct 3422?
UAL 3422: No sir, we're actually headed for LAX. So what are our direction? United 3422
ATC Ground: Uh, wait, I need to use the bathroom, hold on. Hey Billy! Come here my boy, can you handle this plane for now while I go pee?
UAL 3422: What was that? (pause) Hey so do we have taxi clearance? Hello?
(3 minutes later)
ATC Ground: Hey United 3422 morning I am back! (pause) Whow! Guess what? Nobody is parking themselves on taxiways today so I am gonna taxi you straight to the runway and uh, can you taxi to and hold short of runway 4L using Victor Alpha Alpha Delta Alpha Golf Alpha Kilo Alpha Kilo for me while you monitor my lovely wife at tower? Hahaha
ATC Ground: United 3422 please check your transponder. I don't have you on radar.
ATC Ground: United 3422 Do you hear Kennedy Ground?
DAL 45: Ground, it's uh Delta 45 with you I think your grandson just cleared United 3422 for takeoff on 22R two minutes ago.
ATC Ground: OK thanks, so he took off. (pause) wait, what?
(End of Recording)
edit ATC Fears
Air Traffic Controllers will beg anything on earth and prey every hour of their lives hoping planes won't shout "Mayday Mayday Mayday" or "Pan Pan Pan" on them. Even more scary to the Controllers are mid-air collisions, for that the controllers all fear that one single event of such type will immediately send all of them into a underground cell run by the Nazi party. Also, controllers in the U.S. fear foreign pilots as much as they fear Satan, ladybugs, and chickenpox, as foreign pilots that don't understand english never seem to stop bullying the controllers by saying "Say again?" and "Sorry, no English. hahaha".
edit In Popular Culture
Air Traffic Controlling is sometimes done as a sport in many TV contests. Usually each player will take control of one type of ATC in an airport, and compete with other players on how fast they can talk to planes without crashing them. Sometimes these contest become so radical that all an ordinary person can here between the conversation of the pilots and controllers is "Shoop da-whoop!" "Shoop da-whoop!"
- There are five main types of air traffic control: ground control (responsible for talking to pilots after they landed or while they're taxing, instructs pilots on how not to ramp other people while taxing), tower (for old people that like to say the same phrase 3000 times a day "Cleared for takeoff" "Cleared for takeoff" "Cleared for takeoff"), approach control (Controllers that make sure pilots don't land on the wrong runway or kiss another plane's butt right after touching down), departure control (after you takeoff from the ground, tower and ground controllers simply want to get rid of you because they're too busy swearing at another newbie pilot) and center control (the only type of atc where the controllers don't care about airports, these controllers are really nice and charming people that would never forget to put you in a holding pattern whenever you enter their airspace (and patiently tell you to turn right, left, claim, descend, contact another boring old man, or set squawk codes) --- their greatest fears is if two planes kiss mid-air)
- The only reason only old people become air traffic controllers is because the job is super boring, dangerous, and time consuming. Fortunately for young people, they got their grandpas and grandmas doing these boring work from them, 'cause they really got nothing to do otherwise.
Even with all the ATC procedures and safety equipment already in place, it is still not enough to prevent infrequent mistakes on the old controllers' part. Recently, administrators and agents at the FAA are developing a new air traffic control system to replace the old one. According to American aviation authorities, this new system will allow pilots and air traffic controllers to better communicate and locate each other, along with introducing a multiplayer gaming system between air traffic controllers and pilots, allowing the two sides to play co-op against or with each other while on-duty. This, according to the FAA and other aviation authorities, should lower the risk of sexual contacts between planes mid-air.