From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“All ASDA stores are now open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year from now until forever and ever and ever and ever...”
- Saving you money every day
Most people shop at ASDA, in hopes they will catch something and be able to sue
ASDA (pronounced ASS-TUH) is a wonderful little British store that was founded by Stephen Hawking. It can be found wherever you go, spreading like a disease through the entire world... Known as Walmart in America (when it's spread like the plague too), ASDA plans to take over the world one ass-pat at a time. Rumours have it that some ASDAs are over 10 miles in length but that could be a conspiracy theory since in the London stores the bread isles are that long. Shoppers like to come to this store with the firm belief that they are expecting more for less money, but recent studies conducted by Dr. Luneth Vader show that people don't give a damn about 'more', they're just scabs and chavs that think TESCO is upmarket. Currently, Walmart/ASDA are in holy jihad against Tesco for world domination, money, the title of 'Most Irritating Supermarket Car Park Ever', world domination, more chav shoppers, money and world domination.
The Overly-friendly Staff
The managers and owners of ASDA are currently under the illusion that if the lower class worker drones harass their humble paying customers with flyers, "Lovely day" comments, and a crazy smiley face, they will return said smile or comment and shop even more in the massive sprawl of urban crap. However, our good friend Mr. Winkler has revealed that customers do not care about maniacs waving charity buckets or fliers, they just want cheap gas and clothes. Here's how to decipher the workers.
- The overly friendly checkout girl - These workers are usually obese in nature and have a wide smile on their face to cover their insecurities. The main thing to watch out for is the struggle to get small coins out of the checkout. Be sure to return her happy smile and not draw attention to her arse drooping over the sides of the stool she is sitting on.
- The checkout boy - These workers never smile and never say nice comments. Mr. Winkler has revealed these people feel depressed and angry about their dead end and emasculating job. Be sure not to keep his company for long, he has had a long day.
- The trolley/wagon collector - These are usually male in nature and love to stroll around the car parking lot all day with nothing but 23 shopping trolleys stretched in front of him. Do not make eye contact with him, he is even more depressed and probably just wanting to listen to his iPod.
- The charity worker - Give her all you have, she is programmed to get your money. If not, observe how insecure they look when they approach others and just get turned down.
- The shelf-stacker - The lowest of the low. Respond by making him or her carry all your shopping and get all the stuff you can't or can reach. It's what they're paid for after all.
- The cleaner - Get out of the way or feel the wrath of the mop or brush. (It is this Public Enemy No.1 who sees you waddling down the aisle and mops the floor's anyway, because the dust of the shoes will make your job that much harder).
- The self-service checkout - If you like to hear the phrase 'Unexpected Item in Bagging Area', then this crappy machine will be your best friend for ever and ever and ever. You can't scan anything from alcohol to an apple without a depressed looking emo having to enter a special number to make himself feel important. Showing any signs of confusion or stuggle and you WILL be approached by someone who is called, "JANE - CUSTOMER ADVISOR"
What NOT to do
- Never ever enter a store tapping your back pockets and singing the ASDA theme song. JANE - CUSTOMER ADVISOR will ask you to leave as you look like a twat.
- Never mix two cleaning products in store. The result will leave a super clean floor and JANE will have no floor to mop or brush.
- Never overtake someone's trolley or wagon in the tinned foods aisle. Or any aisle for that matter it's very dangerous. And if you squeeze through a gap between a trolley when someone else is trying to get through too, it WILL be a death sentence.
- Do not flirt with the check-out girl. She will think you are being serious and will call security claiming harassment.
- If you feel like taking a poo near the toilet rolls because the actual toilets aren't much better, feel free to do so. When approached by security or arch-enemy JANE tell them that, "The customer is always right, and the customer needs a shite." They will give you a 43% discount on all you see. Outside the shop. Repeat this process several times in the same store and receive a free law-suit.
- Never go to Asda's in your office suit. The indiginous Asda shopper will think you are an undercover official from the Department Of Work & Pensions, and will give you the evil eye from the other side of the 10 mile long bread aisle. Tip - Always take your walking stick with you and walk with a limp. No really.
- If the check out girl asks if you want a bag for your 'quality' produce, do not reply with, "I already have a bag in front of me." The check out girl will take anything as a compliment.
- Never use actual cash, even if your shopping amounts to only 7 pence. You WILL get mugged as soon as your foot steps outside of the door.
- George! The one clothing range this shop specializes in . And what a clothing range! bras, panties, bras, socks and tables! George specialises in kids sleepwear, underwear, and school jumpers that rip as soon as you get rid of the receipt.
- Smart Price - The only brand that has a money-back guarantee if your child is not bullied at school for the Smart Price chocolate you put in his lunch box.
- ASDA Cheap Brand Shizz - The lesser economically developed people of the country (or chavs as we call them) have a strange and fatal attraction for the like of cheap home brand stuff that never break the piggy bank (if they care to own a piggy bank.) The quality of the home brand 'produce' is questionable, with many users dying within 5 minutes of inhaling the 'produce'. An investigation from the CIA revealed that ASDA produce should not be inhaled, injected or shoved up your ass but instead should be used as stated in the instructions. Many chavs (sorry, "The lesser economically developed people of the country", as politically correct goverment nobodies would like us to say) reacted furiously to these findings. "I aint never shoved no washing up liquid up my nose," cried Victoria Beckham
Common Well Known Facts About This Amazing Super Store
- It's a well documented fact that small children and the demented old people get lost quite frequently here. Many conspiracies involve the lost being sold into the George trade or being forced to fend for themselves underneath the aisle displays.
- Supermarket tills are not allowed more than 75 pound in them at any one time. That is so the fat bitch serving you doesn't get tempted.
- This becomes decreasingly common, as all shopping above the amount of 7 pence is never paid in cash.
- If you ring the "Bread's Ready and Fresh" bell before the bread is actually ready, the resultant illogic of it will cause the store to implode.
- Christians go there annually for pilgrimage.
- Build a Tesco Everyday Value store next to an ASDA superstore and watch the Tesco store get slowly eaten up.
- The men working in the George department of the store thay are more than likely gay, or in denial if they are straight
- 98% of Asda shoppers are on Sickness or disability benefits.Walking sticks are the most purchased product followed by wheelchairs and pregnancy testing kits.
- The average age of the Asda mother is 12 years old - her partner has on average 200 tattoos and 40 piercings.
- Shell suits,white trainers and white socks are the preferred attire worn by the Asda Shopper
- Zach Bailey is their best employee
- ASDA use green in their logos because the original sign was red; however, the owners saw how well the other shops were doing and threw up, and the Polish cleaner never did remove it.
- Tupac Shakur and Tom Jones fought in an ASDA store back in 1995, it was known as the 'Great Bumble Bee fight'.
- In Latin, Asda translates to Tesco but Tesco translates to Horsemeat. Weird that.
Your mom shops at asda and comes back with herpes