ASDA
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Saving you money every day. Unlike Tescos or Wal-Mart
Description
Asda (prounced AZ-DA) is a wonderful little British store that can be found wherever or however you go... yeah but it could be American as well though? Rumours are that some Asdas are over 10 miles in length but that could be a conspiracy theory trying to cover up the amount of dead immigrants buried under each ASDA store. Shoppers like to come to this store with the firm belief that they are expecting more. This is why they come. Recent studies conducted by Dr. Luneth Vader show that people don't give a damn about more food, they're just scabs and would like cheap produce.
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[edit] The Overly-friendly Staff
The managers and owners of ASDA are currently under the illusion that if the lower class worker drones harass their humble paying customers with flyers, "Lovely day" comments, and a crazy smiley face, they will return said smile or comment and shop even more in the massive sprawl of urban crap. However, our good friend Dr. Luneth has revealed that customers do not care about maniacs waving charity buckets or flyers, they just want cheap gas and clothes. Here's how to decipher the workers -
- The Overly friendly checkout girl - These workers are usualy obese in nature and have a wide smile on their face to cover their insecurities. The main thing to watch out for is the struggle to get small coins out of the checkout. Be sure to return her happy smile and not draw attention to her ass drooping over the sides of the stool she is sitting on
- The checkout boy - These workers never smile and never say nice comments. Dr. Luneth has revealed these people feel depressed and angry about their dead end and emasculating job. Be sure not to keep his company for long, he has had a long day.
- The trolley/wagon collector - These are usually male in nature and love to stroll around the car parking lot all day with nothing but 23 shopping trolleys stretched in front of him. Do not make eye contact with him, he is even more depressed and probably just wanting to listen to his iPod
- The Charity Worker - Give her all you have, she is programmed to get your money. If not, observe how insecure they look when they approach others and just get turned down. :)
- The Shelf-Stacker- the lowest of the low. Respond by making him or her carry all your shopping and get all the stuff you can't or can reach. It's what they're paid for after all
- The Cleaner - Get out of the way or feel the wrath of the mop or brush.
- The Self-Service Checkout - Do NOT use these. Big managers have put these in too fool you into using these impossible machines. Nothing ever scans right and you WILL be approached by someone who is called, "JANE - CUSTOMER ADVISOR"
[edit] What NOT to do
Never ever enter a store tapping your ass pockets and singing the ASDA theme song. JANE - THE CUSTOMER ADVISOR will ask you to leave as you look like a twat
Never mix two cleaning products in store. The result will leave a super clean floor and JUAN will have no floor to mop or brush
Never overtake someone's trolley or wagon in the tinned foods aisle. Or any aisle for that matter it's very dangerous
Do not flirt with the check-out girl. She will think you are being serious
If you feel like taking a poo near the toilet rolls because the actual toilets aren't much better, feel free to do so. When approached by security or arch enemy JANE tell them that the customer is always right, and the customer needs a shite. They will give you a 43% discount on all you see. Outside.
[edit] Products
George! The one clothing range this shop specializes in . And what a clothing range! bras, panties, bras, socks and tables! All for a reasonable price of course. That is why you shop here. Customer.
[edit] Your mother
Yes indeed and we are not joking. Your mum does indeed shop here so she can stock up the fridge with OJ.
[edit] Common Well Known Facts About This Amazing Super Store
- It's a well documented fact that small children and the demntiated old people get lost quite frequently here. Many conspiracys involve the lost being sold into the George trade or being forced to fend for themselves underneath the aisle displays.
- supermarket tills are not allowed more than 75 pound in them at any one time. Thats so the fat bitch serving you doesn't get tempted
- If you ring the "Bread's Ready and Fresh" bell before the bread is actually ready, the resultant illogic of it will cause the store to implode
- Swear to God
- Build a Tesco Value store next to an ASDA superstore and watch the Tesco store get slowly eaten up.
