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“AP? What's that?”
~ a High School Girl on AP Tests

One day in May, a certain unnamed testing service saw millions of unhappy students wandering about, horrifically depressed, huffing kittens to keep themselves going. When that testing service asked some of these students what was wrong, they received complaints of getting too much sleep, of being bored with variety in their routines, and wanting nothing more than to hear the same set of obnoxious and redundant instructions repeated from time to time in a sterile laboratory setting.

Consequently, that testing service decided to help college-bound students overcome their depression and become happy, enlightened individuals.

edit Why Take an AP Test?

“Oooh, that's what colleges are looking for! ”
~ Your Mom on AP

The acronym AP stands for Anal Punishment and the main purpose of taking AP tests is to learn about the human anatomy through rather vigorous and brutal demonstrations of anal rape. The rape process usually lasts 3-4 hours, depending on which subcategory you choose. Students are graded based on how well they handle the rape in a timed testing environment. For many top-flight colleges, this scholarly characteristic becomes a deciding factor when narrowing down the list of prospective students.

Part I of the test is typically a multiple-choice questionnaire. The purpose of this less vigorous section is mainly as a probe; it acclimatizes new test-takers to the AP experience and gathers real-time feedback as to adjust the force of the rape as it happens. Part II of the test is the written portion which requires students to write an deep, thoughtful evaluation and analysis (or several!) of the rape. When it is over, 9 out of 10 students of those students who respond to the mandatory survey report being feel thoroughly cleansed and happy, if not slightly sore.

The AP Exam has been compared by several Western Civilization experts to be as pleasurable as a barium enema.

It is consequently obvious that, given these glowingly remarkable characteristics, AP tests and the associated courses should be taken. Constantly. At all costs. Which aren't much, mind you... AP tests are cheap. According to testing experts at the Princeford Review, the prevailing wisdom is that you should always schedule your student for five or more AP tests at each administration. Due to the excessive friction generated during the rigorous exam, however, one should always take care to avoid scheduling consecutive sessions.

edit Understanding the Grading System

“OMG! I got a 3! ”
~ another High School Girl on passing
  • 5 - Inexpressibly, Unequivocally Qualified Asian
  • 4 - Awe-inspiringly Qualified Asian
  • 3 - Qualified Asian
  • 2 - Qualified American
  • 1 - Your Mom is-more-Qualified Qualified

It is important to note that while AP tests are entirely subjective, they are commonly graded on an inverse-proficiency scale. Additionally, outstandingly-high performance on the Anal Punishment exam is no guarantor of real-world success (see Oscar Wilde).

edit Preparing for Your Exam

A typical AP exam consists of 80 1,000 multiple choice questions and 50 essays, all of which must be done in 2 hours. You also have to pay $90 for your 2 days of hell. To receive a score of 3, you must copiously study 30+ hours a day for at least a week before the exam. For a score of 4, study 40+ hours a day a month prior to the exam. A score of 5 is impossible unless you are Einstein or Asian. Asians are a rare exception to the studying guidelines and are born with the ability to pass an AP exam with virtually no preparation. Roughly 98% of non-Asian students taking the exam fail. (The other 2% cheated off an Asian.)

edit Receiving and Interpreting Your Scores

You will most likely receive your graded exams via the United States postal service, or, if you're really lucky, a bunny will deliver it to your doorstep. The man wants you to know that you will receive your scores about a month after your test, but he's lying. It will probably be about a year, assuming it doesn't get chewed up by the bunnies. The percentage of "lost tests" is increasing exponentially each year. Sorry.

Some experts attribute this decrease in successful student-test match-ups to the fact that the bunnies are really hungry and also to the fact that their populations are increasing rapidly, due to a lengthened mating season and other unknown factors.

edit Test Preparedness

The secret to successfully preparing for an Anal Punishment Exam is using generous amounts of Vaseline and giving up any notions of maintaining your anal virginity several weeks prior to the exam.

Be sure to bring only pink markers for the written portion. The highly-qualified AP readers that will be grading your tests will not be able to read your answers otherwise. Additionally, make as many stray marks as possible to ensure fair grading. Extra points are awarded for sparkly or scented answers. The readers especially enjoy when students draw little pictures in the margins for their amusement.

Typically, there are several guides available for preparing for an AP test, such as Sam's Teach Yourself How To Not End Up Working Fast Food For The Rest Of Your Life In 21 Days or BubbleFest Confidential: Your Guide to Acing the AP. Then again, you could just go to a blissful meadow of joy and think happy thoughts.

edit Available Tests by Subject Area

edit Discovered Trends and Ongoing Studies

It should be noted that most AP students have convinced their parents they are perfect. Perfect. In doing so, they have allowed their children to do whatever the hell they want (naturally, months in which tests are administered notwithstanding).

Some things these AP students spend time doing while not testing ironically includes drinking heavily and having promiscuous sex. Mysteriously, focused studies have shown that AP students spend excessively large amounts of money achieving the latter when compared to other groups of students.

edit See Also

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