“Hello there, and welcome to the AOHELL Customer Service Support Line! If you have received any horrible Anti-Virus threats, please press one. If your computer is at optimal performance and needs a new virus boost, please press two. If you want to cancel your contract with us, then please hold and we'll direct you to our legal action department for court proceedings.”
AOL is the world's most widespread Spyware Application, after Micro$oft. Distributed on CDs, it presents itself as software which enables the user to connect to the Internet. In reality it secretly changes the values of the capacitors on the user's motherboard, causing poor computer performance. The trojan is aimed at inexperienced users who do not realize that their operating system already contains software to connect to the internet.
Origins of the AOL virusEdit
Little is known about the origins of the American Ovulation Lifetime (so-named because of the intense menstruation and general bitchiness that is to follow anyone infected), however many speculate that it is the product of an evil North Korean plot to infect American computers. A new type of the virus is now known an America Offline due to the uselessness of connectivity virus, a disease that, even today with inoculations like the Cable and DSL antibodies still infects many a hapless internet user. The first instances of AOL, not to be confused with AWOL, were found among small children who would steal their parents' ATM card and use it to buy the drug chat that would let them enter a delusional world in which they were All-American football athletes so they could have cyber sex with 36-year-old virgins from Detroit. Sadly, it wouldn't end there... Addictions were quelled at first, by the immense price of chat and its sister email, costing nearly $2.00 for an hour's high.. Then, dealers realized if they got together, and handed out all the chat and email you could handle in a month for a set price, they'd have it made.. and made they did, with AOL 3.0.... (Was there ever an AOL 1 or 2?)
Despite dealers constantly not offering the service, refusing their best customers with 'busy' signals and 'try again later' messages, the helpless flock of sheep that was AOL users fled back time and time again for their chat.
The third evolution of the chat/email drug known as AOL 3.0 was widely considered one of the most dangerous, and infectious types of narcotics available. Using only a credit card number, and your first name dealers were able to infect you and your computer with a virus that was now more deadly than ever. It was a sad time for the world, as AOL brought forth a never-ending supply of n00bz to the world... spam and Pr0n grew like wildfire and in the midst of it all, as parents tried helplessly to barter with the AOL dealers to get their children back.
But their cries would fall on deaf ears...
AOL Infection TypesEdit
Type Pr0n+EditPeople infected with this type of AOL become neo-vampiristic fetish-obsessed zombies.. Hunting endlessly for more and more Pr0n, using chat and email to proliferate and spread their vicious disease. Pr0n is then made more salacious by the AOLer and put back on the web. The most disgusting would be when Mel Gibson, a hapless racist who started fights with Jews in chatrooms, took a picture of a nude, spread-eagled Angelina Jolie, put the face of Dakota Fanning over hers, then titled it SALTY TIDBITS on his desktop. He then used it to replace the picture of his father, Oprah Winfrey as his background.
People with this dreadful strain of the AOL virus constantly lure people into a false sense of security, then, give them a harmless-looking link. Upon opening said link, the user will find a picture consisting of one of the following:
The original Goatse (everyone should know what a goatse is...)
A similar shock picture (such as tubgirl, Lemonparty, Sourmath, Hai2u, etc.)
Either of the above, only the window multiplies many times and plays fast paced techno music`, or a person shouting exactly what it is you are looking at. (last measure!!)
Also, in the rare case that the victim is epileptic, the window will consist of flashing colors or a Pokemon episode, which will send the poor victim into a seizure!
Type Anarchy of LamesEdit
Among the rarest types, this type affects primarily the punks of the Internet. It causes all their mohawks to grow uneven within days, and for moshing abilities to debilitate within a week of infection. A most horrific effect of this cause all Anarchy "A"s to transform into Republican elephants. This has caused many a punk to take the "other way out" and surrender to the Microsoft Borg to be assimilated.
The most common, and also considered to be among the most deadly in large numbers.. AOL Type N00b+. These flamers will believe anything they are told, and will buy chat and email using their parents' credit cards without remorse, sometimes finding themselves with thousands of dollars of debt. n00b is also a synonym for AOL users.
AOL = LOLEdit
AOL is now considered as internet slang. It can be used in a way to describe a funny event. Such terms as AOL, LAWOL, LM(F)AOLO, RAOLF, OMIGADROFLLAOL.. An example "Dude my house just burned down becuse my computer over heated while running aol!" "OWNED AOL!!!" This comes from the fact that AOL does really make you "laugh out loud"
Type Desperate 40 year old negative virginEdit
This strain of the disease causes self-respecting, married middleaged men into crazed, sex craving lunatics. More often than not, said sex is wanted from young teenage girls, but in Mark Foley's case, he went after boys.
Priests in the Catholic Church have been infected from the dawn of time (except Father Ted, he was spared this cruel fate), also going after boys. This lead to the comment by a high school kid, "So a rapist, a pedophile and a priest walk into a bar. Oh sorry, that was just the first guy!"
Type "La gaffe d'AOL" (contested)Edit
Scientists at AOL Research recently diagnosed a shocking new "Gaffe d'AOL" type.
Prof. Wildside of their Thought before action department released the following statement unto the scientific community on the 3rd of August 2006:
"At this early stage of discovery little is known. However we strongly believe Gaffe d'AOL to be a more serious mutation of Femme non surveillée avec AOL CD syndrome."
A typical sufferer may Google for:
2006-03-24 03:07:13 17556639 Hannah Montana porn
2006-03-23 22:09:00 17556639 how to kill your wife
2006-03-23 22:11:26 17556639 wife killer
2006-03-23 22:11:53 17556639 how to kill a wife
2006-03-23 22:13:34 17556639 dead people
2006-03-23 22:15:01 17556639 pictures of dead people
2006-03-23 22:16:23 17556639 killed people
2006-03-23 22:15:21 17556639 porn
2006-03-23 22:15:28 17556639 James Woolway
2006-03-23 22:16:57 17556639 dead pictures
2006-03-23 22:17:10 17556639 dead pictures
2006-03-23 22:20:15 17556639 murder photo
2006-03-23 22:22:14 17556639 steak and cheese
2006-03-23 22:30:36 17556639 photo of death
2006-03-23 22:33:14 17556639 death
2006-03-23 22:33:47 17556639 dead people photos
2006-03-23 22:35:24 17556639 photo of dead people
2006-03-23 22:37:31 17556639 decapatated photos
2006-03-23 22:40:07 17556639 car crashes
2006-03-23 22:41:29 17556639 car crash photo
2006-03-23 22:43:11 17556639 Sarah Jessica Parker
2005-03-23 22:49:08 17556639 uncyclopedia
Many other independent researchers however disagree with Prof. Wildside's statement (at least these that have downloaded the torrent), and firmly believe this new discovery to simply be an extreme outbreak of Prison d'AOL.
Respected AOL'olgist Dr. Hans Googled of Barrel O'Fun research countered Prof. Wildside's statement on the 7th of August 2006 with: "When compared to Décommander l'abonnement d'AOL SVP syndrome, and in conjunction with acute form Ma facture d'AOL n'est toujours pas décommandée complex. "Gaffe d'AOL" is simple outbreak of Prison d'AOL."
Noted NASA Scientist Dr. Hans Zarkov countered Dr. Hans Googled's statement on the 10th of August 2006 with:
"I've been TELLING them for YEARS! This is only the beginning! And it's not a form of Prison d'AOL, it's an outbreak of the more deadly Celtic strain: Stop charging my credit card NOW YOU BASTARDS or I'll have the law on you!
At the time of writing, the only known cure to Prison d'AOL and Stop charging my credit card NOW YOU BASTARDS or I'll have the law on you is to cancel all your charge cards, close your bank account and start praying. In some extreme cases victims have resorted to moving home.
Further investigation by Dr Hans (involving crystal ball of course!) shows that Daffy Duck is the main suspect.
Introduce AOLers to common internet terms, such as O Rly?, Do a Barrel Roll!, and OMGWTFBBQ! Then, go into random chat rooms, start a random fight here or there, randomly leave, and disappear off the internet for about 5 days at a time, making people miss you, and want REAL internet.
Methods of Avoiding InfectionEdit
Don't use AOL. Period. Just in case you find yourself getting closer to the free trial downloader, have your friend help you out. Give him a bat, and tell him to keep an eye on your computer use for a while. Make sure that your firewall is configured to "anti-AOL" for more efficient protection against AOL inadvertently installing itself on your system. If you suspect an infection is imminent;fast,pray,repent and repeat for only one who is mighty (Goku, Famine, Ninjas,
Pirates Ninjas Arrr! Pirates etc.) can stop it.
If you are ever asked to keep your friend from using AOL just remember:
"Friends don't let friends use AOL"
What the Government is DoingEdit
If sent an AOL disk, the government will promptly send the disk to an intern, which, in turn, will consume it with her enormous government fangs; after which they'll produce a ridiculous amount of paperwork and not get anything done for a couple of weeks. The government will then send you a copy of a chewy disk and food stamps so you can buy lobs of ham and throw them at the neighbor boys, or, Zombie jesus when he comes about.
What to do if an adventurer is youEdit
Hardy adventurers with at least 68 in their primary stat have found that the worst members of the AOL culture can be effectively battled by reading the dictionary to them. Each reading of the dictionary does 30 to 60 hit points of spelling damage. If you don't have a dictionary, it is at least advised that you wear something heat resistant to avoid flaming trolls.
What Zombie Jesus is DoingEdit
Zombie Jesus is inherently cooler than you. The question is not what Zombie Jesus is doing for you-it is what you are doing to stop AOL N00b type.
What Would Jesus Do?Edit
What /you/ can do to help fight AOLEdit
Well, since you can't personally kick AOL's ass, kick everybody's ass who uses AOL.
Then, steal everything they got, and take scandelous photos and release them to the internet. (Remember to use AOL to access the Internet!)
Or... You can just get Winston Churchill to fight AOL and kick their ass.
Fun things to do with AOLEdit
Besides getting all other AOL users with the same proxy repeatedly banned from Wikis like this one (the Goatse poster needs more than having their nuts repeatedly kicked in, more like smashed with a meat cleaver and ground in broken glass), you can take a free AOL trial CD and place it in the microwave. It is kind of like putting tinfoil in the microwave, but looks like so way cooler. You also can go to the beach and throw it if you can not afford a Frisbee, or take 1000 of the free CDS and use them to defend yourself from clinjas. Alternatively, you can attempt to haxx0r the AOL software itself, but this is usually rendered impossible since the only people who bother to install it are the common n00b. They also make totally acceptable coffee cup coasters, or xmas decorations! In addition, you could shit on it, place it near a streetlight, and watch dogs go past it and piss on it repeatedly, then upload the video on Youtube.
WARNING!!!! Never, EVER place an AOL CD in a computer CD or DVD drive.
NOTE!!! If you see an AOL Floppy disk, do not discard it, immediately fix it by removing the write protection and formatting it.
AOL Terms of ServiceEdit
In the AOL Terms Of Service, you'll find a small paragraph mentioning that they reserve the right to ignore any instance of the word "not" appearing in such a manner that it would prevent your computer from installing any of their programs.
I.E. "Do not install the AOL Internet Explorer Toolbar.
As seen by the AOL Terms of Service: "Do install the AOL Internet Explorer Toolbar.
In the same paragraph, AOL also reserves the right to respond to any complaint/cry for help/cancellation request/etc that the customer makes with this: "Whaaaaaaaatt? No way man, you craaaaaaaazy!"
AOL in the Business WorldEdit
In 1342AD AOL merged with Time (Magazine) and (Jeep) Wrangler to form the biggest Interweb-Magazine-Jeep company in the world. They promised the moon and the stars and sun to their stockholders. But they were foolish! They didn't know that if you brought the Moon to the Earth, tidal forces would destroy the Earth! Not getting their shiny stellar objects, the stockholders were extremely angry. This caused AOL stock to fall. Soon afterward Time and Wrangler distanced themselves from AOL. Their relationship is very strained now and both sides are openly dating new people.
Defeat of AOLEdit
One day, a people that has AOL in his computer and a stupid nick (noogai3) has started an animating program to create viruses and defeat them, having fun, BUT one of them, The Chosen One ran out of the animating program, fucking the computer. He destroyed many programs in that computer, and he was trying to get help by using AOL when AOL was defeated, so it spred all over the world, hunting AOLs only. They say he will never be happy until it finishes his great fight with AOL. (Credits: Alan Becker, Moyea Software)