AFL

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“It's all about moving the ball forward. I like that... a lot.”

AFL is a more complex sport than both soccer, as it involves more body parts, and Rugby, as it involves running in multiple directions, thus explaining why it draws ten times as many viewers when it comes to the Grand Final.

edit History

AFL (Assyrian Football League) was invented in the year 712b.c. by the Assyrian Emperor. He was so tired of watching reruns of the Olympics that he decided real sport should be made. After that, it soon found fame in other places around the world, such as America, Azerbaijan and Anglo-Saxonia. Sometime between that and the Middle Ages, AFL spread into Asia and Africa. If it weren't for this seemingly commonplace migration, the Aboriginal Football League would never have formed. This is the most primitive form of the modern game.

William "The Conqueror" Shakespear's massively successful military campaign of 1523 virtually wiped AFL out from the civilised world. He detested the sport because he was horribly uncoordinated, and did not have enough skill to play against other greats of his time, such as George Washington, or Indiana Jones. However, as Australia at the time was not civilised at all, AFL was still played by the Aborigines, using a Kangaroo head for the ball.

From there, white people settled in Australia and learnt the game from the Aborigines. Aborigines who were prepared to share their sacred game with the aliens were handsomely rewarded with much gold and Tim Tams. In fact, Aboriginals who played AFL were far more important than other Aboriginals, as they secured their right to vote in 1902, sixty four years ahead of the rest of their people. Famous Aborigines who helped Westerners learn AFL include Mr T, Ray Charles and Morgan Freeman.

The first ever game of modern AFL was played on top of Uluru, where the Geelong Cats courageously defeated the Western Bulldogs 127 to 3. All points were scored by the then captain of the Western Bulldogs, Winston Churchill.

edit Gameplay

Australian Football League, or Ozy Rules (For those who cannot pronounce double letters) is one of the greatest sports ever invented. And the beauty of it, is in it's simplicity.

edit The Field

AFL can be played on any ovular, rectangular, asymmetrical or non-spherical field in the world, as long as it is big enough to fit the ball and toss a coin. On opposite sides of the field, four posts must be positioned precisely 22 cubits apart. These post can be of varying sizes, it doesn't really matter. Lord Nelson once played AFL in his parent's pond using six tent pegs and his pet frog's femurs as goalposts. He then continued once he was imprisoned for animal cruelty, by using stolen toilet seats and a brown paper bag.

edit The Ball

AFL balls are made out of kangaroo leather. This is a respectful nod in the direction of the game's rich history. Specifically, when the Aborigines played using kangaroo heads. However, the modern ball has had the skull removed after Michael Jordan kicked the ball out of the stadium, and ruined the nearby statue of Captain Cook costing the South Australian government $23. Adelaidian plastic is very expensive.

edit The Players

AFL players are expected to be nicer, better looking and more rich than the players of all of the other sports. If they do not adhere to this strict code of conduct, they are ostracised and writing articles for newspapers that no one reads. Clear examples of this are Jason Akermanis, Brendon Fevola and Jeremy Clarkson.

edit The Rules

AFL is a very simple game. It only has two rules: Don't throw the ball. Don't touch anyone else's head, neck or back. Infringement upon either of these rules may result in a 50m Penalty. Aside from these two rules, there are other acts which are socially unacceptable. These acts include kicking the ball out of the field, or swearing at an umpire. Also inculded is running too far with the ball, chopping another player's arms off and stepping over Mark. Committing any of these acts may results in a 50m Penalty. Aside from these socially unacceptable acts, there are also few more items that are not necessarily illegal, but not beneficial under all circumstances. Stepping on or over white lines and getting caught in a tackle are prime examples of these. Tripping another player and unnecessary holding are also not going to win you friends. Committing any of these acts may result in a 50m Penalty.

edit The 50m Penalty

In AFL there is only one question: To give, or not to give... the 50m Penalty. The 50m penalty involves the Umpire blowing his whistle and telling everybody to move gameplay 50m in the direction of the umpire's choice. In the 2004 Grand Final between University (Defunct) and Freemantle, debutant umpire James T. Kirk gave the 50m penalty upwards. He died in a later riot when the game was drawn nil all at the final buzzer.

edit The Umpires

In AFL, there are three umpires to police the game on the field, four umpires to collect the balls that leave the field, two umpires to check if the ball went through the posts, three umpires to look for people hitting each other on the camera, eight umpires to sit upstairs in a box and commentate on the game, twenty two umpires to move around the stands and sell drinks, twelve umpires to wander around in dark jackets and collect twenty dollar bills (Not available outside of Melbourne) and approximately forty thousand umpires to fill the grounds. Some of them even have whistles.

edit Supporters

AFL supporting is as key of a part to fashion as accessories. Some items just require certain supporter apparel. For example, if you have Gold teeth, a dollar sign necklace, pin striped trousers, a hand-carved cane and a purple dinner jacket, you probably need to support the West Coast Eagles. If you have no teeth, a red dollar sign on your bank statement, no idea of what trousers are, a broken cane and more tattoos than you can hide under a dinner jacket, you probably need to support the Collingwood Magpies. If you have a double shot latte, a goatee and a bowler hat to hide your bald spot, then you probably need to support the Richmond Tigers. However, if you prefer an iced coffee, have a moustache and a bowler hat to decorate your vintage coat-hanger, you probably need to support the North Melbourne Kangaroos. If you like losing, you should support Port Adelaide. If you like winning everything except for the big games, you should support Freemantle. If you have money, support the Geelong Cats. If you drink dirty water, support the Adelaide Crows. If you're still bragging about the time you won the 1983 talent show, support the Brisbane Lions. And if you have no drive for success whatsoever, support the Western Bulldogs. Respectable gentlemen support Hawthorn, crime lords support the Gold Coast Suns. The Sydney Swans are supported entirely by Political Minorities. Greater Western Sydney is not supported. You are allowed to support Essendon only if you have no interest in the game, but still want to brag to your friends. The Melbourne Demons are almost out of money, so there's no use supporting them. Thus, if you don't fit into any of these teams, support Carlton. Just like the other ten people you live with.

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