Australian rules football

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Australian rules football, or footy is a sport more complex than both soccer, as it involves more body parts and umpires, and rugby, as it involves running in multiple directions. In most instances there are more stretchers involved than in cricket.

edit History

Footy was an invention commissioned by the Channel Seven Network so that there would be weekend television other than the Pommy imports of gardening and Antiques Road Show during Winter. As the Seven Network's main studios were located in Melbourne, the Victorian Football League was established to ensure that there was sufficient material to broadcast in the first place; over the years, non-Victorian clubs have been introduced in an effort to hunt and gather even more viewers, resulting in the Australian Football League.

edit The Game

Footy Mark Andrew Walker

Experience in lion-dancing is a prerequisite for Australian rules football.

edit Field

Footy can be played on any ovular, rectangular or asymmetrical field in the world, as long as it is big enough to fit a Toyota logo and toss a coin. On opposite ends of the field, four posts are placed vertically so that the ruckmen of both teams can fit through sideways. These posts must be thin and soft enough so that should the ball hit them and rebound, the score review panel will be unable to see the deflection in the 24 frame per second replay; this ensures that the umpire's original ruling is kept, and that the score review panel is as pointless as the match review panel.

edit Ball

Official Australian Rules footballs are produced by the "all Australian" company Sherrin, which guarantees that at least . Prior to 1978, all footballs were made out of kangaroo leather; the switch to the cheaper cow hide came when the RSPCA launched its "Equality of Animals and Man" campaign, which deemed that kangaroos have a special place in Australian society on the 50 cent coin and deserve not to be skinned. This is akin to how dogs are our companions, and should not be eaten, while chickens may be consumed provided they are raised cage free.

edit General rules

The rules of football are best characterised by what is not permitted, among which are throwing the ball, pushing a player in the back and chopping a player's head off. Efforts to adhere to these rules usually result in a general melee, followed by either a ball-up or a free kick against the player "in possession" of the ball, which in some cases means their shin is on top of the ball yet underneath another player's belly.

The scoring system of goals being worth 6 points and behinds 1 point was introduced by the Federal government as an incentive for young Australians to properly learn their multiplication tables, especially for those who aspire to become commentators or goal umpires.

edit 50 metre Penalty

The 50 metre penalty involves the umpire blowing his whistle and telling everybody to move play 50 metre in the direction of the umpire's choice. People accustomed to watching other sports are often confused because in footy, the umpire points towards the defending goal of the team that wins the penalty. In the 2004 Grand Final between Port Adelaide and the Brisbane Lions, umpire James T. Kirk gave the 50 metre penalty upwards. He died in a later riot when the game was drawn nil all at the final siren.

edit Umpiring

In footy, there are three field umpires to police the game on the field, none of whom have the right to give players detention. They do however have the right to raise their arms and call "play-on". In contrast, a player who raises his arms in the protected area will have a free kick paid against him if the umpires decide that his arms are hindering their eyesight. Compare this with how police may taser unarmed men, whereas tapping an officer on the shoulder may land you the charge of assault.

On the other hand, goal umpires and boundary umpires are much more likeable people and have a better relationship with both the players and spectators. In particular, boundary umpires make the assumption that players and spectators have poor eyesight; boundary throw-ins are done so that all people, from the ground up to the third level of the stadium, can get a good glimpse of the ball.

With field umpires getting skinnier and weaker by the season, the 2013 rule changes saw field stoppage ball-ups to be conducted by merely throwing the ball up as opposed to bouncing the oblong ball onto the ground; umpires will only have the opportunity to demonstrate their skill and strength after goals and at the start of quarters.

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