AFI (band)

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The Killers

They may look innocent, but beware

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about AFI (band).

AFI (A Fire Inside) is a homicidal quartet from Ukiah, California that has been excreting music since 1991. In the band's early years their sadistic operation went smoothly hidden as nobody cared for their first albums. However, since 2003, with the release of their album Sing the Sorrow, AFI who wrote lyrics about desolation and isolation ironically became popular. It appears that America's current "desperate-for-a-new-fad" attitude has led to the public acceptance of this so-called music. Now that they have become known, their homicidal operations have come to lose their deceptiveness. Looking back at their songs, such as "Miss Murder", "Killing Lights", "Kill Caustic", "Death of Seasons", "God Called In Sick Today", and "Bleed Black" (not yet known to be an emo reference or a racist comment), it is a wonder that these homicidal plans had not come to be known until recently.

What is an AFI?

AFILIVE

The Concert Calamity of 1999. The seemingly excited fans are actually reaching for help.

Many people wonder what AFI really stands for. The most popular suggestions (according to a national poll) are:

A Fire Inside

What kind of bullshit is this? It doesn't even make sense. No. Impossible. If you think this is it, you're a fucking moron. Get out. You're not wanted here.

Americans For Incest

While it does seem to make sense initially, given that you would have to be some kind of inbred moron to appreciate this 'band's' music, the whole concept just goes completely against the emo oeuvre of hating everything about your family and your life. Emos would go in more for a band that advocated killing your sister, not fucking her.

A Few Idiots

What their listeners first thought their name stood for.

Ah Fuck It

This is what people say when the give up on trying to figure out what AFI stands for, but then realize that they might be on to something.

All For Imps

This one actually makes sense when one compares them to imps. If you don't know what an imp is, get out.

Armed Forces of Iraq

This explains itself. People heard that there was a national poll and instantly just assumed that it was about Iraq, despite the fact that it was a 'band'.

The current "1x2=3 Society" saw three capital letters and instantly thought that it must be an acronym. Instead, ALL CAPS was simply used for emphasis, but was over looked by a vast army of dumbshits. An afi is actually a real thing. An afi is a seldom used term for "One Who Kills Through Punk". The term has not been used previously since 3rd century Rome during the short period in which the Italian tyrant Cagnasino Maternastronzo ruled using a hypnotic noise he made by scraping metal shards against the skulls of deceased people. He called the sound teppista, which was translated to English in the 14th century as the word punk. An archaeologically uncovered dictionary (a term not coined until the 17th century) described "punk" as being "the Roman sound of brute metal torture and/or homicide. Therefore the literal meaning of afi is "One Who Kills Through the Roman Sound Of Brute Metal Torture," which became an obvious choice to describe the 'band'.

History

The Start of the 'Band'

AFI formed on October 29, 1991, when disturbed Davey Havok, psychopathic Saduchi Vonswello, and government official George Ozenen met in a location which is not allowed to be revealed to the general public under penalty of law. All of them were "moments away from murderous rampages" when they met. However, after a while of talking and a longer while of heavy drinking, the three noticed the unusual trend in American history: homicidal maniacs hadn't left much of a widely noticed impact on society, while rock musicians were known by everyone in the country. After moments of deliberation, the decision was made and AFI was formed with the simple intent to kill and rock out while doing it.

Black Sails In the Sunset

Not technically the first album, but nobody gives a shit about the earlier ones.

Blacksails

An ancient gothic spell is imbued within the vinyl on this record, if listened to without a fringe that passes your eyebrows a giant ship will tear apart the land and charge towards you, run you over and kill you.

Strength Through Wounding

This is not a song, it is the sacred chant of the AFI. "Through Our Bleeding, We Are One!" It is said that if someone not a member of The Despair Faction is to sing this chant, they will instantly be shot dead, with no gun in sight.

Porphyria This song is actually a tribute to the son of Cagnasino Maternastronzo, Porphyria Maternastronzo. Porphyria is said to have been the first man in history to shoot himself in the head five times and live. Sadly, he was killed by the sixth shot.

Exsanguination Exsanguination is formed by the root words Exsanguin and Nation. Exsanguin is a sound wave that melt the brains of those who hear it for extended periods of time. It is said to be the very same sound used by the creators of High School Musical.

Malleus Maleficarum Obviously, this is a magic spell. Nobody is sure what this spell does when used correctly, but experts believe it to lower the pH levels of liquids, turning them into acidic toxins. This spell is muttered repeatedly during this song, which led to the Concert Calamity of 1999, when 96 beers instantly dissolved their drinkers.

The Last Kiss This song was made to protest the rumors that Davey Havok was a gay transvestite. He describes in depth his last kiss with his ex-girlfriend, most of which is incredibly inaccurate in relation to the female body which he claims he has "hit up many times."

At A Glance This song is made to brag about the wickedness of AFI. While most people, when looking at a murderer, may take a moment to process the fact that the person they are looking at a person who is about to kill them, people who take just a glance at AFI know that they will soon be violently slaughtered.

God Called In Sick Today This was the most popular song of the album, which really isn't saying much. "God's sick days" are the days when AFI commits their homicidal acts. The belief of Havok is that on certain days, God takes a sick day, allowing crimes to be committed with no possibility of Godly retaliation. This however, creates a paradox seeing as AFI claimed previously to be atheist.

The Leaving Song: Parts I and II Ha, they tricked you! You thought they were leaving in the first song, but BOOM!, they leave again, proving that they were there the whole time. Watching... Waiting...

Bleed Black Researchers have yet to discover whether this song is either meant as an emos greatest dream come true ("FUCK YES! I'm so emo, my blood is the colour of darkness, bitches!") or a racist slur ("Yo, all you black peoples is gonna bleed!").

Silver and Cold This reinforces the rumor that they truly are vampires, even though evidence has proven that Hunter, and on occasion, Havok, are the only ones who consume blood. So if not vampires, what does this mean? Nothing. Don't look too much into it. It's pointless. Simply created to force your head to explode violently, and nothing more.

Dancing Through Sunday Obviously, this was a typo, as AFI does not dance. It was meant to say lancing through Sunday, referring to one of the early victims, Sunday Bachovan, who was viciously run through with a lance. This error didn't go unnoticed, however, Havok neglected to fix the mistake, earning him the prestigious award of Laziest Serial Killer of the Year for 2003 at the annual Killy Awards (previous winners include It, Harold "The Thing" Addams, and George H. W. Bush).

Paper Airplanes A song dedicated to Kill #86, the first accidental kill, which occurred when a paper airplane (fucked and then thrown by Jade Puget) struck the center of the throat of an unsuspecting victim. Ironically, it was also their first murder while on a plane.

decemberunderground

Decemberunderground.jpg

Cute bunnies flying in a circle. Currently the official symbol of homicide. Irony at its finest.

Prelude 12/21 This was AFI's very first bible reference. If one looks to Preludians 12:21, it states as follows: "And the homely beggar knelt down, offering the blood of his daughter in return for his eternal life. And He cast down a red light, one of which had never been seen before by the prophets, and He said, 'Thou hast not paid they immortal dues as thou must. For this offense, thou shoust be smighted!' And so it was." (A self-congratulations is in order for the most offensive and controversial paragraph yet.)

Kill Caustic It's killing. Is any more really necessary? They kill. People get killed. The end.

Miss Murder

Miss Murder, the 3rd song on decemberunderground, is BY FAR the most popular song by AFI as it was actually respected as a real rock song, winning Song of the Year at the 2006 VMA's and Most Murderous Melody at the 2006 Killy Awards, and even making it into Guitar Hero. And yet, nobody is completely sure who Miss Murder is. Some people have come up with the theories that it is the girlfriend of one of the members, but this is very unlikely, seeing as Davey Havok is a transvestite, Jade Puget has only one love (his guitar), Adam Carson is gay and Hunter is definitely not a human being.

Missmurder

A photo commonly assumed to be of the true Miss Murder, but when one looks closely, it's actually Davey Havok.

So who is Miss Murder? philosophers say that Miss Murder is really just a symbol for the beauty of death, but a study proved in 2008 that all known philosophers are suffering from mental illnesses, causing them to believe the non-factual that they themselves create and pass off as fact. (The most famous of these philosophers is Oscar Wilde, the founder of Uncyclopedia, a website devoted to present explanations of common people and things and current news events, all of which are fictional.) Others think it may be a victim, most likely their first victim. This likely possibility is supported by the fact that the first victim of each person (in their own respects) was female. It is possible that they believe these women, nicknamed "Miss Murders" may be haunting them, or even convincing them to murder more.

Then again, it may have just been a title chosen to create controversy over the song, increasing its popularity, although it is doubtful that their combined IQs would have placed them at an intelligence level as high as this.

The Interview

CreepyHavok

This is officially labeled "Davey Havok," but it seems fairly unlikely. This obviously isn't a male, and seems even a little bit too creepy to be a transvestite.

It went as follows:

redacted

Sadly, the interview ended with Arson and Puget in the hospital with bad burns and fractures, and one deceased interviewer.

Love Like Winter There they go, talking about the seasons again!

The Killing Lights The other song that suggest that they may be vampires. This implies that they could be killed by light, although it is very doubtful. Not even vampires can be killed by light, just weakened.

37mm When someone who is not a member of AFI sings Strength Through Wounding, this is the non-existent gun they will be shot with.

Endlessly, She Said The only thing anyone is positive about this album is the fact that She is Miss Murder. What does she say? Who does she say it to? In what language does she say it? Nobody knows for sure.

Band members

Current
  • Davey Havok – Lead Singer/Criminal Mastermind. Havok was born in Rome as the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of Cagnasino Maternastronzo. He was raised in an abandoned synagogue by the self-proclaimed "true pope," Ducharse Havok. Spending the first 26 years of his life studying this religion drove him mad, turning him into the killer/songwriter that he is today.
  • Jade Puget – Known in his home town of St. Louis, Minnesota as "The Guitar Rapist," Jade Pugent spent the majority of his adult life as a sole serial killer. He was given his nickname not only because of his impressive skills on the electric guitar, but also for his fetish for inanimate objects, most often musical instruments.
HunterAFI

Clearly soulless.

  • Adam "Arson" Carson – Though not an official murderer before joining the 'band' in 1996, Adam Carson, oftenly called Adam Arson, was well-known in Canchukto, Texas for his love of setting fire to everything that did or did not move. The 'band' regularly rejected simple arsonists, but Adam was accepted for his creative arsonry, including the filling of a fire hose with gasoline, causing it to become a powerful flamethrower whenever sujected to hot conditions.
  • Hunter – Nothing is known about Hunter; not even his last name. He has no birth certificate or record of existence. He is assumed to be a netherworld creature summoned through the music in the first album.
Former
Evil captain planet

Graphic novelists sprung at the chance to portray Captain Planet in this new "light."

  • Captain Planet – After the lost election of Al Gore, the lack of society's care about the environment plunged Planet into a deep depression. The depression lead to an obseesive alcoholism. This overtake of alcohol (an amount that would've killed a normal human) destroyed his liver, turning it a disgusting black color. His diseased liver eventually led to the diseasing of many other organs, including his heart, right lung, bladder, skin and aqualatory lobe, all of which became the black color. The depression also led to the abuse of his powers. He joined AFI one day when he met with Davey Havok in a local park. Havok noticed Planet, shadowy and randomly setting fire to stray cats, and Planet was more than happy to join the 'band'. His membership lasted for 4 years, until the ignorance of global warming and recycling led to his suicide. His charred body was found in the same local park, being devoured by starving and slightly singed cats, rabbits, and squirrels.
  • Saduchi Vonswello – Before he went into a solo career, Vonswello was an original member of AFI. In the original 'band', he had played the shit out of the organ, and when he left, he was replaced by an automated music player.
  • George Ozenen – One of the three original members of AFI. Because of Ozenen's political career (governor of Massachusetts at the time), his involvement in the 'band' and the murders that occurred in the name of it had to stay hidden. This, along with Havok's chronic fear of the sun, were the true reasons that AFI was originally considered an underground 'band'. Ozenen, was so angry at America that he ironically decided to take out his frustration in the most American ways possible: murder and rock music.
JadePuget

A police sketch of Jade Puget, and, in fact, the most accurate depiction of him thus far.

  • Frank Dodd – The fictional "Castle Rock Strangler" from Stephen King's The Dead Zone was a member of AFI for 4 days in December 1997. Adam Arson claimed to have heard of this man and suggested that he be initiated into the 'band'. None of them ever having read a book, they thought a strangler was just what they needed. For the first (and only) time in history, someone was initiated into AFI without appearing at the initiation. Yet the 'band' soon realized their mistake when it was pointed out that Dodd was a fictional character.
  • Hans Gratuitansen – The only German to ever be a member of AFI, Hans joined in 1995, shortly after an escape from the Haufferbraut Home for the Criminally Insane. He was at first meant to be a victim of AFI, but, after the 'band' realized it would be no fun to kill a man who had no idea what was going on, he was accepted. While it seemed he wouldn't last long in the 'band', he pointed out the location of his previous mental institution, which was forcibly shut down immediately. However, his only musical ability was to smash his head repeatedly against solid objects, which fit perfectly with the 'band's' musical style, but he died from a concussion shortly after his 2nd performance.
  • Bruce Jaconan – Technically was never a member. During an initiation ceremony, as he was about to become a member of AFI, he muttered the chant of Strength Through Wounding (see below) and was shot and killed by a 37mm gun(see farther below).

Discography

Most of these are unimportant because at the point of recording, the 'band' had not lost sight of its goal: to kill. One can see in later years that they began to concentrate on quality ear torture, and when they did so, their intentions became blurred, as happens to many rock stars.

Studio albums
  • Answer That and Stay Fashionable (1995)
  • Very Proud of Ya (1996)
  • Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Eyes (1997)
  • Black Sails in the Sunset (1999)
  • The Art of Drowning (2000)
  • Sing the Sorrow (2003)
  • Decemberunderground (2006)
  • Crash Love (2009)

See also

BloodSplat

The author of this article

appears to have been

violently murdered.

If this article has offended

anyone, justice has

been dealt.

(He deserved it)

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