ABC Gum

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Gum

Mmmm... ABC gum.

ABC Gum (Also known by the common street names: Alabaster Chugum, Abso-C, and Pakuni.) was a popular chewing candy from the 1920’s through 1980’s before it’s commercial production was destroyed by the advent of aspartame’s common use in foodstuffs. Now the ABC gum can only be readily obtained through costly restricted substance programs in the United States, or inexpensively through Canada, Mexico, Italy or any other non-prudarian society.

edit History

The gum was first created in the 1920’s for the NBC Blue Radio Network (now known as the television network American Broadcasting Corporation - ABC) as a boon for the American economy. (Unfortunately all recordings asking children who they ‘Blue’ have been lost.) Corporate overlords had commissioned the gum as a way to entice more kids to tune into a program designed to encourage children to enter the work force. The under-the-age-of-seven crowd was easily enticed by the slick marketing campaign, thus insuring the candy’s survival through the change from NBC Blue to ABC.

ABC gum obtained mass appeal to adults in the late 1940’s when the soldiers of World War @ discovered (by accident) that by combining the gum with morphine and other painkillers it enhanced the experience.

Casual use of ABC gum has fallen since the early 1980’s when it was discovered the ABC gum/crystal meth (Methamphetamine) combination caused death in 97% of users. When obtainable however, it is still used in combination with other readily available blendings as the inebriatedness effect on substances “still fuckin’ works man!” [citation needed]

edit Medical Stuff & Junk

  • ABC gum has over the course of it’s almost 80 year history contained several ‘secret’ ingredients some of which were rumored to be carcinogens. It is know to contain, or have contained, the following elements: 42, 115, and 121.
  • Common modern pharmaceutical useages of ABC gum include hair replacement, prevention of Shriner’s disease, and as a sea monkey fornication enhancement.
  • A casual law abiding citizen can experience mild pleasant feelings (akin to being massaged by a yoga monkey during the summer solstice) by smoking the gum & banana peels together.
  • ABC gum combined with Kitten Huffing is currently under review by several state governments as a possible revenue generator.


Caution: Scientists now think the use of the drug-gum combination may increase the chances of an asplosion 3.14% of the time when combined with dairy products -- also known as the “butter-pi effect”.

edit Television Tie-Ins Timeline

edit Prior To Way Before

  • Keyser Söze gave ABC gum to Adolf Hitler as a special gift during his televised appearance in the 1936 summer Olympics. (This clip can also be seen in the movie Contact when Jodie Foster is caught off camera telling Matthew McConaughey he has a booger in his nose.)

edit Way Before

  • The creators (Sid and Marty Krofft) of the series Land of the Lost were known to have overdosed on a special mixture of ABC gum and pop rocks in the late 1960’s.

edit Before

  • Seen as a kid’s prize in the second season of the show LOST, when the castaways enjoy several boxes of cereal from the 1970's.

edit Now

  • The ABC gum bubbles made famous by Marilyn Monroe’s 1956 film Poker Buddy can be seen currently (as of this writing) as the large rubber ball-type obstacles on the show WIPEOUT.

edit Related Factoids

  • Jimmy Kimmel was ironically conceived through the improper use of ABC gum.
  • ABC gum first allowed Americans to see colours and greys on the Beatles Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album in 1967.
  • The child labor practices of the early twentieth century were restricted to orphans in the 1990’s.

edit See Also:

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