- AAA AAA AA AAAAAAA AAA AAAAAAAAA!, AAA AAA AAAA AAAA AA!
|Ha! I Won Again!|
“Whoever he is, he must piss a lot of people off. I mean, I'd be pissed too if my high score just got knocked down ten ranks in about two minutes by an anonymous showoff.”
“Man, who is this guy who keeps beating my PacMan score?”
“Sure plays a mean Pinball.”
“Snake! Respond! Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!”
“I can imagine how many people suffered because of this... someone.”
“Nobody can beat him.”
AAA is without question the greatest video game player on Earth. Known only by the three initials he uses on arcade high score lists, he has left his ubiquitous mark in the RAM chips of countless motherboards. He has played every single arcade game in the universe, including the superintelligent ones developed by the Pentagon that suck you into a Tron-like cyberspace where you fight to the death against the CPU itself. He has killed approximately 12 video game CPUs in this fashion.
Among other accolades awarded to him, he has a cylindrical battery cell size named after him as well as an automobile organization.
Appearance of AAA
It is not known exactly what AAA looks like, as he is understandably reclusive. Conflicting eyewitness reports of a skinny twenty-something Korean with stubble, a pasty-faced former Atari beta-tester, and even a six-foot-tall bearded Eastern European have all at some point been attributed to AAA. It is clear that unless he ever chooses to publicly reveal himself, we can only continue to speculate. Personally, I think he is a tall, Asian, stunningly handsome, single, twenty-something, well built hunk. Sigh.
Myths about AAA
It is a common myth that AAA is actually a very bad player, citing several sub-par high scores signed 'AAA'. What the people making these claims don't understand, however, is that these scores are actually so high that AAA overflowed the score counter. Thus, it is possible that the top score in your local arcade machine is actually several billion points more than that displayed.
Another popular theory is that AAA is actually such a bad player, that matter and time formed a cylindrical paradox, reversing human perception, so that the average joe believes that AAA is actually a god-like video gamer.
Yet another group of people think that this is simply part of AAA's sly tactics and an instance of him trying to lull you into a false sense of security. One final group suggest that for a challenge AAA simply tasks himself to score predetermined random numbers.
Speculations about AAA
Since AAA's first high score in 1958, experts have pondered what, if anything, AAA does between playing video games. For the longest time, it was thought that AAA was somehow the source of all video game hints, but nobody could compile any solid evidence to prove this. When Prima invented Strategy Guides in the mid 1990s and sold them before the games for them even came out, experts began to assume that she, in fact, was AAA.
Further studies via hidden cameras disproved this notion when Prima, though incredibly skilled, failed to produce the high scores attributed to AAA. Though Prima does not say anything on the subject, experts generally accept the idea that Prima somehow obtains hints from AAA, which she then tests and writes down into her strategy guides. How Prima obtains this information is yet to be determined, but interviews with the former Queen of the Martians suggest that she does have some sort of relationship with the mysterious AAA.
Stories from the life
My mom is a kind of person who never plays videogames, but once she gave Contra III, or "Super Probotector" as it is known in Europe, a go just to be friendly with us kids. She tapped the buttons so randomly and so ferociously that suddenly she skipped to the second level. I swear on my father's bones it's true, even though no level skipping cheat has ever been found for this game. My guess is AAA whispered the secret to her in her dreams.
Once upon a time I was the king of Street Fighter. I'd travel the land and wherever I found an arcade, I'd play and I'd beat everyone who stepped up with impunity. My skill was so great I used to humiliate my opponents by beating them in every possible match-up the game had to offer. I'd pay for their games and their food and their drink to make them stay and take more punishment. I turned the game into an art, where my every move was the most graceful, I stopped the opponent as his every turn, and I never repeated a combo twice in the same day.
But then I met this guy. . . it's so weird, it wasn't like I paid attention to what he looked like but when I try to remember I can only see a blank space. He didn't make eye contact, he didn't say anything, he just picked Balrog. In World Warrior. Without putting in a quarter. I didn't really have time to take in that and to tell the truth I was so far into the game I didn't notice it was weird. But then he beat me so damn hard he got on top of the high score list in just one round. The second round was over in like, four seconds and I sort of fell over. I got to my feet right away but the guy had vanished, just vanished without a trace. But not before putting in his name on the high score, you guessed it, AAA.
AAA's video gaming achievements
AAA has achieved the world's highest scores on hundreds of video games. Just for the sake of it, he's also achieved the world's lowest and middlest scores as well. He even achieves scores in regular increments, just to show that he can get any score he wants, really.
- Kicked that time when you typed in "A-S-S" off the high score board... bastard
- In Giga Wing, the bullets bounce off his ship all the time.
- In Darius, the game says "WARNING! A HUGE BATTLESHIP AAA IS APPROACHING FAST.".
- A is the only letter to be shared by all human languages (and possibly quite a few more), thanks to AAA's efforts.
- He beat the "Nuclear Mode" in the Atari game Missile Command
- He can race the Running Man in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and win.
- He once beat Donkey Kong Country with 101% with one life in less than an hour. The ending sequence had Cranky Kong chanting "We are not worthy!" over and over.
- He unlocked Big Boss on Super Smash Bros. Melee by unlocking all stages, characters, and trophies within 2 seconds of turning on his 'Cube. Before the intro even started. Unfortunately nobody saw because the GameCube exploded shortly afterwards - not from overheating but from amazement.
- He also unlocked Master Hand, Crazy Hand, Giga Bowser, Fighting Polygon Team, the Fighting Wireframes, Sonic, Tails, and Toad by beating Classic, Adventure, and All-Star modes on Very Hard with one life, without continues, in a row, without taking damage. All in the span of 10 seconds. Using Sandbag.
- He beat Cruel Melee.
- He beat Adventure mode in under one second on Very Hard using Mewtwo with one life. Instead of fighting Giga Bowser, AAA was forced to fight a level 50 Giant-Metal-Invisible-Invincible-Bunny-Hood-Giga-Bowser-Wearing-Master-Hand-And-Crazy-Hand-On-His-Claws-With-An-Infinite-Supply-Of-Home-Run-Bats-That-Can-Only-Be-Used-By-Him. And, of course, creamed him.
- Drilled through to the core of the planet on Mr. driler.
- He is so good on Zero Wing that he unlocked 'Proper grammar mode'.
- He beat Pacman without eating any of those dot thingies...before inserting quarters.
- He got a score of 99999999 on every fighting game known to man, such as Street Fighter, King of Fighters, Power Instinct, and others. He's also so good that he gets 99 wins in every one. INCLUDING Killer Instinct. And its all done in less than an hour.
- He got 103% on VerTex² on In the Groove...twice.
- Not only did he unlock Luigi in Super Mario 64, he also unlocked Wario, Waluigi, Yoshi, Toad, Toadette, Peach, Toadsworth, Daisy, Bowser, and Sonic the Hedgehog.
- He even knows the meaning of "L is Real" or whatever the hell that statue is supposed to say.
- Achieved AAA in every song in DDR Max 7, so they named the rank after him.
- He also did this with only one foot.
- And this was before the concept of rhythm games was even invented.
- He also did this with only one foot.
- He beat the original Metroid in under 1 minute, unlocking the ending with Samus completely nude.
- This wasn't enough of a challenge, so he beat it in one second. The game tried to remove more clothing, but since Samus was completely naked, it just showed her skeletal structure.
- The top of the screen surrendered to him in Tetris.
- He once played Pong against a solid brick wall rather than an AI paddle, and still won.
- He beat Super Mario Volcano three years ago.
- Never heard of the game? That's because it won't be announced for another twelve years, and won't be released for another fifteen.
- He once hacked Mario Kart: Double Dash!! and made it so the opponents were invincible,invisible,and 40 times faster than the fastest car in the game, and then beat it on 150cc Mirror Mode using the slowest car in the game, driving backwards with the TV off.
- He beat Ocarina of Time with the Triforce and Quadforce three minutes before the Nintendo 64 was released.
- Beat civilization on "Deity" by doing a bad impression of Ghengis Khan.
- He can destroy video game stores just by looking at them.
- He can create video games just by typing the command "I am AAA, now make me a game."
- He beat a level 100 Mewtwo using a level 2 Jumpluff.
- He has seen the ending to all four Simcity games.
- He can kill Grues since he can beat Zork before the game even starts
- He also beat a level 255 Missingno using a level -1 Magikarp.
- He beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without even touching his controller. He just walked into the room, and the game beat itself out of pure and utter fear. On top of that, the system wasn't turned on, the controllers weren't plugged in, and the cartridge was sitting on a nearby shelf.
- Even the King of all Cosmos had to stare in awe at the Size of his Katamari.
- He knows the truth about everything, including The Patriots, in Metal Gear Solid, since the first Metal Gear was thought of by Hideo Kojima.
- He knew how to unlock level 4 in Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. This also made it an ACTUALLY PLAYABLE game.
- He once took over the universe in GalCiv. Using the alterians. And no, he will not tell you how to get your ships to another galaxy.
- In New Super Mario Bros, he has beaten the game in three minutes as Mini Mario.
- Also, this was done eight minutes before the Nintendo DS was released.
- He beat the Elite really fast.
- He played ET on the Atari 2600, and lived to tell the tale.
- Hell, he even stuck it out long enough to play through and beat the whole game.
- He caught all 493 of the Pokémon...in Red version's Beta.
- On World of Warcraft the only known people to almost damage him him are: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny.
- In Trauma Center Under the Knife, the G.U.I.L.T killed itself when AAA turned on his DS. Even Savato, the death incarnate.
- Owns the only rainbow party hat in runescape. And no, he will not tell you how he dyed it that way.
- He has played every video game. AT THE SAME TIME.
- He knows what Stop 'N' Swop is. And no, he's not going to tell you.
- In Phoenix Wright, nobody ever dares to object to him.
- He beat Nethack as an illiterate atheist vegan Wizard, without landing a single blow. When a trap on level 10 polymorphed him into a floating eye, he completed the rest of the game that way, blindfolded. When he met the Wizard of Yendor in Gehenomm, the Wizard simply dropped the Book of the Dead, and cut his own throat out of sheer respect. And stayed dead. The High Priest of Moloch asked for his autograph, but was refused. Pestilence caught a cold from him. Famine bought him lunch. (AAA didn't eat it.) His final score wrapped MAXINT twice and still pushed ten other players off the screen.
- Somehow, during the opening level of Halo 2, he took control of the MAC gun and blew the covenant fleet to shreads. The rest of the levels surrendered and later formed a support group.
- Manages to read all the entire back catalouge of gaming webcomics on the hour, every hour. He considers them a plesant diversion.
- Somewhat oddly, AAA is rubbish at scrabble. He lost a game against the dictonary once, and considers this faliure. Evidently, his powers only apply to electronic games.
- He has the only copy of The Sims 4 on PC, and it ACTUALLY works (out of pure utter fear)!
- In Madden NFL, he beat the 1985 Chicago Bears with the Amsterdam Admirals using only the Flea Flicker play.
- He married all of the girls in Harvest Moon, and became a farm baron, managing a black market drug ring and buying out the election as mayor of Mineral Town.
- He can afford a PS3.