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- AAA AAAAA AA AAAAAAA AAA AAAAAAAAA!, AAA AAA AAAA AAAA AA!
AAA is, was, and always will be, without question, the greatest video game player on Earth. Known only by the three initials he uses on arcade high score lists, he has left his ubiquitous mark in the RAM chips of countless motherboards. He both owns and has played every single video game in the universe, including the superintelligent ones developed by the Pentagon that suck you into a Tron-like cyberspace where you fight to the death against the CPU itself. He has killed approximately 12 video game CPUs in this fashion.
Among other accolades awarded to him, he has a cylindrical battery cell size named after him as well as an automobile organization.
Appearance of AAA
It is not known exactly what AAA looks like, as he is understandably reclusive. Conflicting eyewitness reports of a skinny twenty-something Korean with stubble, a pasty-faced former Atari beta-tester, and even a six-foot-tall bearded Eastern European have all at some point been attributed to AAA. It is clear that unless he ever chooses to publicly reveal himself, we can only continue to speculate. Personally, I think he is a tall, Asian, stunningly handsome, single, twenty-something, well built hunk. Sigh. Unfortunately the odds are that AAA is a small Japanese boy with a ridiculous amount of talent at DDR. Most of the time, he wears a hood to hide his face. Scary.
Despite the enigma surrounding AAA, a few footprints have been traced back to him to what scientists call a "probably-enough-to-prove-something"-degree. The most noted of which is probably the 3D Realms incident of May 1998. George Broussard of 3D Realms, at the time developing Duke Nukem Forever, allegedly found his computer hacked screening only a short, though heavily encrypted, message:
|I finished your game and will not allow it to be released until it meets my standAAArds.|
Due to the previous success of 3D Realms' Duke Nukem games an interest in such a company would not seem unlikely. Dismissed as a mere amateur-hack the message was sent to the FBI for decryption without any change of directions concerning the game's progress. A few days later the developers found that their work had been severely improved, as someone during closed hours had begun to replace their use of the Quake 3 engine with the better suited Unreal-engine. The confusion was stilled when the FBI's encryption units found the cleverly disguised signature in the message. Duke Nukem forever has since then been a work in progress.
Myths about AAA
It is a common myth that AAA is actually a very bad player, citing several sub-par high scores signed 'AAA'. What the people making these claims don't understand, however, is that these scores are actually so high that AAA overflowed the score counter. Thus, it is possible that the top score in your local arcade machine is actually several billion points more than that displayed.
Another popular theory is that AAA is actually such a bad player, that matter and time formed a cylindrical paradox, reversing human perception, so that the average joe believes that AAA is actually a god-like video gamer.
Yet another group of people think that this is simply part of AAA's sly tactics and an instance of him trying to lull you into a false sense of security. One final group suggest that for a challenge AAA simply tasks himself to score predetermined random numbers.
Another myth claims that AAA is so bad, that he uses cheat devices to beat games he buys.
Contrary to popular belief, he has yet to win The Game - something he himself admitted to in a rare interview - although he has come far closer then anyone else, and plays it every single day. Shortly after said interview was conducted, he returned to Valhalla to slumber and feed.
Speculations about AAA
Since AAA's first high score in 1958, experts have pondered what, if anything, AAA does between playing video games. For the longest time, it was thought that AAA was somehow the source of all video game hints, but nobody could compile any solid evidence to prove this. When Prima invented Strategy Guides in the mid 1990s and sold them before the games for them even came out, experts began to assume that she, in fact, was AAA.
Further studies via hidden cameras disproved this notion when Prima, though incredibly skilled, failed to produce the high scores attributed to AAA. Though Prima does not say anything on the subject, experts generally accept the idea that Prima somehow obtains hints from AAA, which she then tests and writes down into her strategy guides. How Prima obtains this information is yet to be determined, but interviews with the former Queen of the Martians suggest that she does have some sort of relationship with the mysterious AAA.
About AAA insurance
AAA's influence has appeared in several elementary schools in several anti-drunk driving programs. However, AAA was true to his mysterious identity and took the form of a DrumMania 4th Mix machine and played catchy disco-infused-with-voodoo/tribal songs written by Vin Diesel for the children to remember. One boy attempted to play the game machine but since there were too many 128th notes in a level-1 song, the boy's head exploded. Investigators would later find out that the game did not cause his death, but his infalliable faith for several religions, which is impossible. The widespread of the boy's death and these excruciatingly catchy songs made AAA popular with the MADD. Fortunately, 117% of the members were experiencing menopause. This caused the MADD to take action, out of spontaneity, and create the American Automobile Association, or Triple A, named after AAA.
The company ended up losing millions of dollars in profit in its first quarter because soon after it began business, a majority of the people who signed were people who had too much time on their hands. These people became curious about what AAA meant (through days of staring contests in the mirror) and ended up listening to the extremely catchy disco-infused-with-voodoo/tribal songs, resulting in spontaneous combustion just from being near, looking at, or even thinking about anything besides the lyrics to the song, the beat to the song, the tune to the song, and sports drinks (especially water, or, in fact, any liquid/gel substance).
Unfortunately, the buzz and popularity of the Vin Diesel songs ironically caused more people to listen to them. People today still suffer from Vin Diesel songs. Vin Diesel's disco-infused-with-voodoo/tribal music is now the 7th leading cause of death, placing in front of being stung by several stingrays.
Stories from the life
I was playing Halo 2 on Containment, right? We were playing Capture the flag, we just started. me and six other guys were watching the flag when two seconds later, the flag vanished. it said: Spartan 114 took the flag! No one was that fast, there were no possible Multiplayer cheats for Halo 2 so far. My guess? It was AAA.
My mom is a kind of person who never plays videogames, but once she gave Contra III, or "Super Probotector" as it is known in Europe, a go just to be friendly with us kids. She tapped the buttons so randomly and so ferociously that suddenly she skipped to the second level. I swear on my father's bones it's true, even though no level skipping cheat has ever been found for this game. My guess is AAA whispered the secret to her in her dreams.
Once upon a time I was the king of Street Fighter. I'd travel the land and wherever I found an arcade, I'd play and I'd beat everyone who stepped up with impunity. My skill was so great I used to humiliate my opponents by beating them in every possible match-up the game had to offer. I'd pay for their games and their food and their drink to make them stay and take more punishment. I turned the game into an art, where my every move was the most graceful, I stopped the opponent at his every turn, and I never repeated a combo twice in the same day.
But then I met this guy. . . it's so weird, it wasn't like I paid attention to what he looked like but when I try to remember I can only see a blank space. He didn't make eye contact, he didn't say anything, he just picked Balrog. In World Warrior. Without putting in a quarter. I didn't really have time to take in that and to tell the truth I was so far into the game I didn't notice it was weird. But then he beat me so damn hard he got on top of the high score list in just one round. The second round was over in like, four seconds and I sort of fell over. I got to my feet right away but the guy had vanished, just vanished without a trace. But not before putting in his name on the high score, you guessed it, AAA.
There was this one time I was playing Road Burners at the arcade, and this guy jumps onto the bike next to me, drops a quarter in, and waits until I picked the track. As soon as it says Go, he just zooms straight past me. I barely even caught a glimpse of him. Then a few seconds later, he races towards me. Backwards. I just manage to get out of the way, and complete the race at what was my best time ever. I went to put my initials in, but it wouldn't let me. I'd lost! Written in the place that should've been mine was "AAA - "0.00.93".
I took my old N64 and Diddy Kong Racing game I had out of the closet and turned it on, and it said that the Game Pak is corrupted and may be irreparably damaged. I continued and I went to the time trial mode, and each track had a lap record of 00:00:00, followed by the 3 letter ID, AAA.... I turned it off and powered it back up, and it was gone, and all of my data was back, but I will never forget this, the time when AAA conquered my DKR game.
I was trying to frame AAA by having a bad score at pinball and typing AAA for the initials. But when it showed the high score table my score changed from 100 to 9,999,999,999. Then a man came up to me and said "You're not AAA!" and kicked me. I will never forget what happened and will continue on my search for AAA.
One time, I was playing mortal kombat in this arcade and this asshole kept doing this cheat that he learned on the internet from Oscar Wilde so i couldn't play against him without dying instantly, but I thought that it was just his skill so i kept challenging him over and over hoping to eventually win! After about 3 hours and $75 Later, I heard the door creeeeeek open and this hooded black figure walked through the arcade towards us and every machine he passed was setting the score list to AAA (Some machines couldn't handle his power and proceeded to burst into flames). I was scared shitless and tried to run but I was frozen to the floor. He came up to the machine we were at and threw me to the side... After that I saw the kid who had harassed me look up into the hood like it were the face of god himself then turn to the screen and choose his character Sub-Zero (I couldn't see if AAA chose a character because he was too fast). All of the sudden I saw the kid to drop knees and beg for mercy as his character kept being brutally raped by AAA..I'll never forget that day...
Chen Shi Jia
There was once when I played this really high graphics quality game Sexy Bitch III on my room computer. No matter how I tried I could not beat my record of doing 3 different sex moves in 20 seconds. Though I tried practising for 3 years, I never managed to beat my score. Then when I was playing one night, a guy that looked like grim reaper came through my window and told me the true "Way of the Game". He did like wtf? 10 sex moves in 3 seconds! My computer could not take it and got the BSoD. When I finally got my computer turned on again, the only letters I saw were AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I reckon it was AAA that came that night to help me.
I was playing Salamander for the Arcade, and I was playing, minding my own business. I got a 602,000 high score, and then all of a sudden, I swear, the game was possessed the next minute. An unknown creature beat the entire game in like twelve minutes! He got a 999,999 score, beating mine by a long shot. He sure beat the game easily! I could have sworn that was none other than the mystical AAA. I cannot beat the game that quickly. AAA is a true living legend!
Innocent Bystander #2594535761
Well, Your Honor, I was with my good friend Carlisle when it happened. We were just playing some really old NES games in my basement, when Carlisle somehow managed to hit the kill screen on Super Mario Bros. 2. He was really proud of himself, I could tell that right away. He apologised, then promised to replace the game as soon as possible, then said, and I quote, "It's not my fault I'm the best player to ever touch a controller!" Suddenly, a black, hooded figure came out of nowhere and sprang on Carlisle. He ripped Carlisle's heart right out of his chest! He quickly grabbed my controller, and he must've moved so fast I didn't see him put in the original Super Mario Bros., then raced through the entire game before Carlisle died! He then vanished in the blink of an eye, and he only left the letters "AAA" written in Carlisle's blood. Now I'll never get play Super Mario Bros. 2 ever again!
I was playing Capture The Flag Extreme Battle and it got to night. I was creeping around in black robes with a knife in my hand and NobodyCares993 came out of nowhere and started throat grabbing me! But then AAA came out of nowhere, grabbed a sword out of a statue's hands and ripped him into chicken nuggets! It was fucking insane!
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