A. Weissman

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“A. Weissmann once told me, "Learn how to spell you fool!"”
~ Illiterate Person on a wiseman's advice

Alfred Very Weissman (b. 1959), Born to Burt and Silvia Weissman of Bronx, New York is most known for his monumental works in the field of science, literature, medicine and time travel. One of the only people to win Nobel Prizes in every category, most notably attributed to him are a plethra of famous quotations he had spoken and written over his lifetime. Although it had been mainly accepted by the general public beforehand, it wasn't until he had won his actual court case that the official credit for his accomplishments had actually gone to him.

edit Early Life

edit Birth

Although no
Dictionary

Can You guess who really wrote this dictionary? Hint: It Doesn't Rhyme with Zebster's

video cameras were around at the time, hospital records have indicated that the first few moments of Weissman's life went somewhat like this: Ahhhhh! Whahhhh! Ahhhhh! Whahhhh! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! Gurgle. Coo. Gurgle.[1]

edit Childhood

Growing up in a family of 21 Children, the terms "Sharing" and "Discovery Health Channel Special" came up very often in Weissman's Childhood. After jointly graduating from Yale and Harverd Jointly [2] at the age of 7, Weissman found himself spending more and more time at home. This occurred mostly because as he was skipping grades very close to the speed of light, most of the friends Weissman had made existed on planes only visible through insanely immense ammounts of academia, and therefore were in most cases unable to invite him over for very many play dates.

As he spent more time in the home he found that typing was an enjoyable hobby for him. On one evening he wrote out what would come to be known as Othello. On another evening he wrote what would come to be known as the orignal script for the Gene Wilder movie "Silver Streak".

edit Discoveries and Inventions

It took A. Weissman to invent such things as the Lightbulb and the Calculator. Besides those highlights of his inventing carrer, Weissman has also invented many other things used throughout history.[3]

His writings on the concept of gravity and his three laws are what founded the principals many other scientific investigations have been based upon.[4]

edit The Time Machine Incident

The Infamous "Time Machine Incident" occurred on a rainy November 27th 1998. As Weissman was putting the finishing touches on the prototype time machine in his old workshop, he noticed there was a paint crack on the wall on the other side of the room. When walking over to inspect the paintwork of the wall, Weissman slipped on a small puddle of water. As he was falling backwards Weissman inadvertently pushed what happened to be a collection of his life's work and quotes through a moving fan shreading them to pieces. The fan then proceeded to blow the shreads of information into the time machine scattering them throughout time and space.

The Ordeal itself and the insuing court cases to follow left Weissman feeling fairly Verklempt.[5]

edit Court Cases

Due to the controversial time-space paradox matters involved calling most major witnesses during the cases, Weissman would have had a very tough time proving his points. Luckly for him one of the documents to fall back through the time machine was the New York State copyright bill he had authored, and possibly due to The Theory of Extremely Lucky Mishaps landed right on top of the orignal draft of the New York State copyright bill just seconds before it had been signed into law.


Although a few are still pending, all of the finalized court cases have been setteled in favor of A. Weissman. Most major ones still active, Involving Oscar Wilde, have been pursued by Lawyers from the Uncyclomedia foundation.

edit Political Carrer

Although having run for several different offices numerous times, A. Weissman has had a very limited political carrer.

edit A incomplete list of works written/produced by A. Very Weissman

  • The Wind in the Willows
  • Valley Of the Dolls
  • Othello
  • "Silver Streak"
  • Cheers [6]
  • Weissman's New World Dictionary
  • Of Mice and Men
  • 1984
  • Weird Science[7]

edit An incomplete list of Quotes by A. Very Weissman

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
~ A. Weissman on a quote originally thought to be from Ghandi
“Envy is the ulcer of the soul.”
~ A. Weissman on a quote originally thought to be from Socrates
“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.”
~ A. Weissman on a quote originally thought to be from Oscar Wilde
“If you forget to wear pants, your day will be notably different.”
~ A. Weissman on surprisingly one of the few quotes that wasn't sent back in time


edit Footnotes
  1. It Should be noted said Gurgling and Cooing occurred after Weissman was handed off to his Mother
  2. Juggling Major Classes in both universities
  3. Which I will refrain from mentioning until further court cases are setteled
  4. You lost the court case Newton, Get over it!
  5. Yiddish. Look it up
  6. The Scripts for the television series.
  7. The Script for the movie
edit Note

As A. Weissman once said, "Always recognize a good joke."

Personal tools
projects