Emoticons

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Emoticon
What emoticons are expected to look like.

An emoticon (colloquially known as a "smiley"), is a small person, about 5 millimetres tall and weighing half a gram. Emoticons are made of keyboard characters loosely defined by a common trait of whinyness, comb-overs, eyeliner, lack of testosterone, poor self image, flatulence, an affinity for Rites of Spring or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, ridiculous pop-punk; and the uncanny ability to self-replicate.

edit Types of emoticons

To learn about emotes (emoticons) you first must be able to identify an emoticon.

edit The Simplest Emoticons

Tilt-Your-Headicons

:)  smile
:-) (Rhinoplasty)
:D  laughing (For people who dislike LOL.) 
:(  sad 
:'( having a leech on on your face.
:k  Having your mouth turned into the letter K. 
:p  sticking out tongue (Naughty, naughty...)
:P  sticking out tongue in a much more grown up way almost like Gene Simmons
;)  wink (Mostly used by sex offenders or Perverted Justice decoys)
:o  *sucking of cock*
:O  very shocked (My daughter slept with a what?!)
:@  e-mail address
$)  loaded (pregnant)
B)  Poorly made sunglasses
:-*  Failed Rhinoplasty
s:)  Help I have brain sucking snake in my head!
<:o)  Conehead
>:=( Hitler
<:oD  Happy Conehead.
|-(  asleep
?:^O Conan O'Brien
?:^(0) Conan O'Brien (with a beard)
8-)  Eye problem.
8(  Realising you have an eye problem.
D:< Hangover
>:[ Angry Pedophile
:S  Really bad Rhinoplasty.
:*( Unbelievably bad Rhinoplasty
XD Constipation
xD Less constipation
xd ...Wait.
ZVWIGB  I am an idiot.
>:D Ebil
>:) Less Ebil
☭  I'm a god damn commie!
:P---X Spitting
>:0(&) I just found out that I have a tapeworm!

Keep-Your-Head-Right-Side-Upicons

-_- bored
>_< giving birth
oHo fat
XXX I am three Xes.
o.- wink
o.o The shit?
o.O Holishit
O.O WTF?
@_@ Stoned (or just crazy)
$_$ Rich (or dreaming of being rich)
e_e Why are my eyes little Es?
._o Why are you talking to me?

edit The More Complicated Emoticons

And now, we introduce some slightly more complex relatives.

Some smilies are created solely to impress, and I mean impress! Not Peter Andre and jOOrdan impress, like an American beauty pageant impress, where they all hold their breath and put on slutty bikinis. The kind where you can really put your own stamp on them. Now watch closely children, because this WILL help you pass your GCSEs.

(^^^) Shark!!!
*^_^* I'm so cute and don't I goddamn know it!
@(^^)@ Hello?! Listening to ipod here!
(oYo) *ahem*
£("-') Loving the profile darling, now spin, spin, spin and show off that hair!
{*>*} I'm an INDIEvidual
(^+^) Mommy! I love you! Now can I have another biscuit? Please?
=^-^= Miaow!
±_± Now, when I was a young grasshopper.......
§^~^§ Look at my pwetty lickle piggytails!
!'_'! Mommy's tired now kids......
(///_V) OH NOOO! IM AN EMO!!!
(@_X) what was in those muffins??
(_._) a butt
("\.:...:./") RAWR!!
(_~;;;) side of your face
(;;;~_) other side of your face
(~-_-)~ im a dancin face WOOOOO!!
(V)_(*,,,*)_(V) Zoidberg
(O_@) I HATE YOUR FACE!!!!!
(~0~) EAT MEE!!!
(o.-) Orgasming. (Oh baby...)
\(>.<)/ CHIKAWAHH!!! (A.k.a. DIE BITCH!)
<(0o0)> I'm gonna eat you and get good at whatever you can do.
/.--|---^- I'm in the military, I'm in a R. Lee Ermey mood, Who wants some?!
>:0(&) I just found out that I have a tape worm!
<("<) Kirby!
,.., Vampire, for all you stupid Twilight fans

...and so on. As you can see these "more complex" emotes are completely idiotic and make no sense whatsoever. In fact, it is a common belief that the whole concept of emotes is stupid. If you feel the need to express emotions go and call someone and talk to them over the phone or use one of those new-fangled web-cams.

edit Why do emoticons exist?

Eomticon family
Typical view inside your everyday chatroom

Emotes exist because a single person who had way to much spare time decided that it wanted to express itself through semi colons, asterixes, commas, full stops, arrows and many more odd little markings that exist on our keyboards. The inventor (religion soon to come) of emotes must obviously have had no social life and therefore decided that trying to make cute little faces out of these odd markings would be a good waste of time. What a pampered fathead.

edit Who uses emoticons?

Mostly emoticons are used by children with instant messaging or 'messenger' who uses them to express feelings they have. They are also frequently used on MySpace, Bebo and other MySpace like sites for stupid people with the emotional range of a keyboard. Some people take it upon themselves to give every emoticon they send a silly little nose resembling either a triangle or a line.

Emotes are not usually used by sane people as sane people know how to express their feelings through speech and body language instead of strange markings on a piece of paper or computer screen. However no sane person has been validly spotted on the internet since 1995.

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