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This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 801 to 900.
The 9th century includes the years 801 to 900.
War continues to be the favorite sport during this century. This would not change until the 20th century, when the World Cup would come in a close second. Why the era is called the Dark Ages is questionable as it was very bright even at night what with all the flames from burning villages. In the British Isles, the 9th century would mark the years of the Great Dane Invasions, whose barking would keep the neighbours up all night.
A bright spot is Al-Andaluz, the Arab-occupied part of Spain. There, learning of all types like medicine and science flourish and Christians, Jews and even Vikings are tolerated and make contributions. This panics God as such things have really never happened like this before. Still, war continues in the north against Spanish kingdoms that vow to resist STEM education programs in their schools at any cost.
- 802 King Jayavarman I establishes a Cambodia independent of Java. Emperor Larry Ellison of the Oracle Kingdom will watch and wait but constant volcanic eruptions and sailboats would distract him.
- 804 Madagascar tries to sneak up on Africa, who notices just in time.
- 807 Monkeys invent and build a large device to shake fruit from trees; it triggers the sinking of the continent Lemuria.
- 808 Jewish merchants in Lombardy open the first bank. Toasters are given away for opening a new account, leading to the invention of regifting.
- 810 A major trade network is established in the Americas with chocolate and parrots sent north, corn and squash sent south with intermediaries contributing postcards, souvenir salt and pepper shakers and air fresheners in various shapes.
810-820: Boom timesEdit
- 814 Charlemagne dies. In other words, he has ceased to be, expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace.
- 815 Gregorian chant is developed for liturgical music in Europe. It would progress in starts and stops in style and form after the writer of Tranhentibus, Trahentibus, Trahentibus Navem Tuam (Row, Row, Row Your Boat) is burnt at the stake.
- 820 Gunpowder is invented in China. Originally just used for fireworks, 9-year-olds break into the factory and manage to blow up themselves and the surrounding city. After careful experimentation involving more 9-year-olds, many weapons are created, some even not fatal to the user.
- 820 The number of Chinese pyromaniacs breaking into factories drops to the lowest levels up to that time. As Chinese experts continue to develop weapons using gunpowder, little could they imagine director Michael Bay in the far flung future using massive quantities of it, cackling with glee and doing a little dance whilst rubbing his hands together.
821-830: Maths confusionEdit
- 821 Amoeba around the world gain sentience but decide it isn’t worth it.
- 824 In Ireland, Fionn eats the Salmon of Knowledge, acquiring all the knowledge in the world. Whilst plagued with headaches from remembering all the cheat codes in future computer games, he loses it all by washing down an aspirin with the Beer of Stupid.
- 830 The House of Wisdom is constructed in Baghdad, with the first library card invented. It leads to the creation of one of the earliest maths texts by Maktoum Al-Jabr, leading to the library being burnt down by mobs of angry middle school students.
831-840: A time of eunuch viewpointsEdit
- 835 Chinese Emperor Wenzong cocks up an attempt to wrest control from court eunuchs despite his opponents not having any stones.
- 836 Mott and bailey castles become popular in Northern Europe though they are criticised for their sameness by architectural writers, attacking warlords and Vikings.
- 838 Mosaics are attempted and fail miserably. Eventually someone will get the idea to attach the pieces with glue and fill in the gaps with grout. Until then, airbenders would be hired to keep all the little bits in place until they had to go to the loo.
841-850: Althings must passEdit
- 842 Vlastimir beats Presian in an overtime shootout, 3-1.
- 845 Buddhism and Buddhists are banned in China. The use of the phrase 'If you see Buddha on the road, kill him', is temporarily suspended by monks as Chinese officials prove to be very efficient at the job.
- c.850 Norse settlers trying to find Disneyland reach Iceland instead and stay, as geysers and volcanic eruptions prove to be quite the entertainments. They establish the first parliament, the Althing, which would much later be merged with Funkadelic and become P-Funk.
851-860: Great Danes gone wildEdit
- 851 Vikings overrun Ireland looking for potato trees.
- 851 Vikings attack and occupy London. They attempt a quick raid but get lost in the twisty streets and stay for years. Pound stores do a brisk business selling them hair care products and bags of crisps.
- 852 Vikings attack Scotland and are only temporarily repulsed by haggis and bagpipe music.
- 853 Erik the Wet claims an iceberg as his kingdom with predictable results.
- 860 Viking chieftain Hastein fakes his own death. His men then carry his 'body' into Rome in a funeral procession, allowing them to enter without suspicion. They successfully overwhelm the city, which turns out to be Luna, not Rome.
861-870: King me!Edit
- 862 Viking chieftain Rurik establishes his rule in Russia. His first edict: no lutefisk.
- 862 The Moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.
- 867 Basil the Fawlty takes control as Holy Roman Emperor. Hilarity ensues.
- 868 First known printed book in China, Wang’s Big Book of Dirty Jokes, is published.
- 869 A tsunami strikes Hawaii; surfing is accidentally invented.
- 870 Serbia converts to Christianity en masse as they find they can still kill their neighbors by declaring them infidels.
871-880: Plant careEdit
- 871 Time travelers arrive, planting fake artifacts for wackadola geologist Scott Wolters to find. He still manages to misdate the items by 300 years.
- 872 King Æthelmertz decrees that all victims of Viking attacks should crawl on the right side of roads leading away from their burning town or village. This was roundly ignored, leading to today’s UK traffic rules.
- 874 Mount Etna, returning from a McDonald’s drive through, gets home and finds her order completely bollixed up. Mount Etna explodes.
- 878 Alfred the Great defeats the Danes, keeping crispy, dry pastry out of London for the next 500 years.
881-890: Pasta is prologueEdit
- 881 The Flying Spaghetti Monster is seen over Padua and the Miracle of Linguine With Clams would occur. Intelligent design advocates take full credit for the dish. However, food poisoning strikes many due to bad clams. Intelligent design fans then blame the Jews.
- 882 Mayan city-states Tikal and Calakmul battle for the umpteenth time. The resultant noise and failure to clean up after themselves causes thousands of Mayans to move away into the Yucatan jungles.
- 888 The Carolingian Empire falls. Historians would later ask 'If there was no one to hear it, would it make a sound?'.
- 889 The city of Forli becomes a city-state so it can pick fights with other cities. Other cities eagerly follow suit.
891-900: Bjorn to be wildEdit
- 891 In retrospect, it is conceded that making false teeth for crocodiles is a bad idea.
- 896 Harald Fairhair unites Norway; defeated herring move to the North Sea.
- 898 Chess is introduced to Japan, a country that today lives for ABBA.