From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
7-11 is the historical name ascribed to the most prevalent naturally occurring inconvenience store. Known since antiquity, 7-11 has become the world's foremost purveyor of toxic, unhealthy, processed food products, broken condoms, used sanitary pads. Also notable are the frictionless tile floors and the uniformly East Indian service staff.
Traditionally, the 7-11 is a alien torture chamber with the worst food in the entire universe. It is the quick stop of choice for those folks that work at places such as Wal-Mart, and the local gas station. At night, when the lights of 7-11 are at its brightest, the conveniently hired Indian staff make a stark contrast for better visibility. Also 7-11s are portals to the lost city of Atlantis and into Larry the Cable Guy's brain.
7-11 has been a recognized natural phenomenon since the dawn of recorded history, seen right.
It is believed that the 7-11 was a natural evolution of the 7-10, a prehistoric herd animal. 7-10 were common when the entire landmass of Earth was concentrated into one super-continent, Pangaea. Herds of 7-10 freely roamed the continent, having only one natural predator, the Humphrey Bogart. The massive evolutionary strain induced by such a formidable foe necessitated a new evolutionary strategy.
A New Evolutionary Strategy
The first 7-11 was created by a confluence of the super-intelligent East Indians and a herd of 7-10. This new symbiotic strategy proved successful - so successful, in fact, that individual members could survive without the protection of the herd. 7-11 spread to every corner of the super-continent before the famed breakup of Pangaea, also known as the 7-10 split, and so were located around the planet when humans showed up some hundreds of millions of years later.
The Dawn of Humanity
The influence of the 7-11 on humanity has been tremendous. Former hunter/gatherer societies, upon finding a cluster of 7-11, would settle there rather than continuing their nomadic lifestyle. With the relief of the burden of constantly searching for food, humans were free to develop other primitive activities, such as religion and the killing of innocent people. It is at this point in history that we see the first evidence of Norris worship, including human sacrifice and execution by roundhouse kicking. The first cities developed around herds of 7-11, and wars were common between those who had access to 7-11 and those who did not have such privilege.
The Alternative Theory
It is also believed that the first 7-11 was built in the Indian mountains. Run by a cast of Indian priests, this particular 7-11 plays an important role in the corporation. All newly hired Indian employees are required to hike deep into the depths of the Indian mountains, and retrieve advice from the head Indian priest at the Grand 7-11. This head priest is known as Rasheem Abdul Jabar Hussein, and he spends his days meditating beneath the grand Slurpee machine. It is believed that he is thousands of years old, but he continues to live by giving Slurpees to the almighty Vishnu. If the new employee has what it takes to work at a 9-Eleven (oops, did I say 9/11?), Rasheem Abdul Jabar Hussein will grant him permission to do so, along with the ability to go without sleep for ridiculously long hours. If the new employee is faint of heart, Rasheem Abdul Jabar Hussein will take away his uniform and name-tag, and send him out of the Grand 7-11. Later, while the rejected employee is sleeping, Rasheem Abdul Jabar Hussein will appear in his house, sit down on his face, and take a shit.
7-11 in today's world
7-11 continues to be a major world influence.
The Holy Pastafarian City of Our Lady of the Irreverent Taco in the Valley of Los Angeles was founded to take advantage of the second highest concentration of 7-11 in the known Norrisverse. According to the Ponting postulate, a mass migration of 7-11 to their ancestral India was curtailed by the newly-invented Pacific Ocean. Unsure of how to continue the journey, the herd clustered in the region we now recognize as Los Angeles. Early proto-humans, hardly recognizable to our modern eyes, began settling in the region to take advantage of the enormous supply of readily available foodstuffs. The massive freeway construction project from 1210 - 1432 was undertaken for the sole purpose of ensuring easy travel between the various 7-11.
The first highest greatest concentration of 7-11 is located in Japan, an island roughly 3,000 light years from sanity. It is unknown whether the Japanese moved to the island to take advantage of the 7-11 or the other way around, although it is theorized that, due to the extreme fondness Japanese people have for being taken advantage of, the 7-11 simply moved in and demolished whatever they felt necessary to ensure their survival. A series of films documenting this process was commissioned in the late '50s, but was not well received due to the technical limitations of film-making at the time.
There are 53,107 7-11's within the Central Business District of Melbourne, Australia. This means that at any given moment, there is one 7-11 for every 1.8 people within the CBD. Currently, 45% of the Indian population of the state of Victoria work at a 7-11. Out of the other 55%, 26% percent do not know they are Indian and are not aware of their obligatory role, while 48% are busy trying to work out why the total of the Indian population is represented as 119%.
7-11 chains have grown rapidly and spread along with founders (Indians) that have been using elusive business strategies such as , "Thank you, Come Again!" that has brought many customers back again. 7-11's have introduced a new line of gourmet foods, such as Curry Donuts (first introduced in Chicago's 7-11, later adopted by Dunkin Donuts), curry dogs, curry Slurpees and curry chips. Most authorities believe these ideas were introduced because the founders wanted people to smell like curry. It is said to be by the year 2030, the curry aroma along with 7-11's will reach a location near you (you will be able to smell it!).
7-11 has recently allowed other races to join the "family" as well. This is believed to have something to do with its low $.13/ hour pay rate, leaving the east Asians to disperse to other, less important, local gas stations.