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The following is a fox news report.
The following report also focuses on the /b/ board of 4chan. The other boards are populated by well-adjusted people who are brought down by /b/'s notoriety.
4chan users are hackers on steroids, treating the Web like a real-life video game, hacking Web sites, creating chaos and disrupting innocent people's lives. They are an internet hate machine. Created by noted homosexual and possible terrorist moot (which is arabian for "HOORAY FOR ALLAH") to talk about how to destroy America, 4chan has moved away from its dark roots into the leaves of criminal activity. And these leaves of criminal activity harbour birds.
The birds... of OUR DOOM.
(Also the tree is made of Obama.)
(And the Obama is made of socialism.)
Why 4chan will break into your house at night and drink the spinal fluid of your family.
So I suppose you are wondering "But Mr. Smart n' sexy Republican! How will a website pose any danger to me?" Well I'm sorry to tell you that while you have great taste in presenters, you have poor judgement about websites. 4chan is not a mere website, but a breeding ground for the scum of our nightmares and the bane of Bilbo Baggins: Trolls.
That's right: they're real, and they are using the internet.
These trolls do not die when they see the sun - They live on the internet in their hivemind called Anonymous, and they want to make all people assimilate into their hivemind. They want to make you lose your hard-earned all-american individuality that you earned when you agreed to everything we here at Fox News said. That's right - they want to take away your ALL AMERICAN REPUBLICAN DOWN-TO-EARTH INDIVIDUALITY. You thought we were kidding when we said that this place will destroy America? You know nothing.
(Also the socialism is made of homosexuals.)
How is this?! What will these 4chan liberals do to my children?!!!
4chan is indeed a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Their primary hobbies are bestiality (in the form of "lolcats"), bullying your children, being gay, and bullying your children into being gay. And really, how can you be surprised? The site is practically a Gaia Online fan community, a website notorious for it's "Internet Superheroes".
You see, the way this obama-socialism-homosexuality-doom-tree website works is on a system known as imageboards, originating in that one island we really nailed once. Wow, and wasn't that awesome? We dropped some bombs, and the world learnt that you don't fuck with the USA.
Now, the way an imageboard works is that a user posts an image. They don't have to register for an account or even have a name, and thus, they can post anonymously. The user must write a comment to accompany a disgusting picture and they start a "thread". This "thread" then gets accused of being afflicted with popular disease "cancer", and is "Sage-bombed, or so our research into infiltrating the website has gone.
Common trends in these threads are called "momes", a term invented by Richard Dawkins to describe a unit of cultural information. Momes turn up all over this 4chan, which include everything from linking people to 70s music superstar Rick Roll worldwide hit song "99 red balloons" to excreting building materials.
However these "threads" are where 4chan users prepare their vile deeds - because other users can comment on the pictures and comments, using vile Russian technology known as "posts". With these "posts", they collaborate in "threads" and plan to advance the Chinese Homosexual Agenda™.
Notable acts of "pwnage"
"pwnage" is the term those vile pedophiles of 4chan use to refer to the drugs they get from engaging in "invasions". Once you have the "pwnage", it is up to you what to do with it. Fox News failed to receive any "pwnage" in it's investigation, but assumes that it is used to advance socialism. Here are notable events that gave out "pwnage":
- 4channers closed a pool at the famous Habbo Hotel, claiming that it was made of "FAIL" and "AIDS". This was not a benevolent action - FAIL is nowhere near as dangerous as the 4chan will have you believe. In fact, they have claimed Fox News is made of Fail. So FAIL is just a liberal invention, designed for trickery and horror.
- 4channers made fun of noted AMERICAN AN HERO myspacekid055 for treating the internet like it was "Serious Business".
- 4channers are responsible for the popularity of humour-wiki Encyclopedia Dramatica, which claims to be satirical, but has a page on Fox News that says that we are "massive fagots". So it cannot be that they are making fun of us because we are large corporation and famous things are satirized - it is out of SHEER MALICIOUSNESS.
- 4channers are famous for their hypocrisy. The most notable act of this is their claim to "liek (sic) mudkips" (a popular red digimon) and then proceed to attack "furries" for liking other animals. At Fox News, we know all about identifying hypocrisy, and this isn't the only time they've ever been guilty of it. We'd type out all the times but we're too smart to do that.
- Fox News is great.
- It is, really.
- Please keep reading.
How to deal with the 4chan
There must be defences against this clear and obvious threat. Something so obviously worth worrying about cannot simply be an undefeatable evil that no man can overcome. Jesus would not abandon us that way. No, we need to do this right. We need to defend ourselves. And we will. Here are some ways that will protect you from the 4chan agenda.
- Buy a dog.
- Buy two dogs.
- Close your curtains.
- Call them names. An extremely effective tactic this one. They will get offended and go away. Be as colorful and batshit as possible in your reply and repeat.
- All 4 Chan citizens are insane. Play ePsychologist and reduce them to tears.
- Eat your dogs, post it and hope you will find the human side of 4chan?
If you know how to stop the 4chan, please add your information here because we too have a userbase and things.
Get the FCC on your side.
Promote being knowledgeable on hacking.
I must be informed about said userbase.