From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“PENIS PENIS FROM THE SOUTH
PENIS PENIS IN MY MOUTH
PENIS PENIS EVERYWHERE
SPRAY YOUR CUM ALL IN MY HAIR”
“I used to think Four leaf-clovers brought luck, until i went on 4chan”
4chan is an electo-nation founded in 2003 by their leader moot (which, in hindi, stands for stinking urine). It has a population of over 9000! citizens composed
almost exclusively of young white (and semi-proud) angst-ridden males, the detritus of normal society. 4chan's major imports are porn and those Guy Fawke masks, its major exports are Internet Memes and DeMotivational Posters. With the population having almost no females the nation depends entirely on immigration to maintain its numbers, who 4chan citizens affectionately refer to as newfags.
4chan is sometimes known as The Internet Hate Machine (not to be confused with Internet Rape Machine), but it is more commonly referred to as 4ailchan. 4chan.org was the creator of the Internet, before the internet there was 4chan they than said let there be servers thus creating the internet
"4chan" is the fourth creation of the "chan" family. The first 3 "chan"s were quite successful at first, but unfortunately have ended up failing or got shut down. The first "chan" was a big hit with the males, particularly the whites, just like common day "4chan" is... today. The extremely fast popularity increase attracted the government's attention. Confusing it for the devil spawning out of modern day technology, it was regrettably shut down.
The second chan was popular with the females, and mainly was a discussion board for female menstruation issues. This angered the original creator, as he intended it for use of the clinically insane, not "those whiny bitches". He then went to each of those girl's houses, and proceeded to viciously murder all of them. He then named the website "3chan".
The third chan was hardly known or visited, but some people claimed it died of a severe case of syphilis. 4chan was founded by the Something Awful admins to feed their ongoing obsession with animated naked furry pedophile hentai OS-Tan oil wrestling GIFs, furries having sex with animals and amusing pictures of snowy owls. It went downhill from these innocuous beginnings to something far more morally ambiguous.
It was originally going to be named 4chin in honor of the most prominent facial feature of the average 4chan member's morbidly obese body but site registration was left up to the guy who does all the lolcats so an unnecessary vowel replacement was inevitable. But this wasn't enough of a barrel roll. The 4chin.com web domain is currently held by the Chinese law firm of Chin, Chin, Chin and Chin and they don't feel like selling it.
4chan users are Anonymous (With a capital A). This isn't because they witnessed a Mafia hit or something. The real reason is simple wish fulfillment. Being nobody in particular is a dramatic improvement over being whoever you actually are if you're a 4chan regular. Imagine, for example, that you're a millionaire with a former beauty queen for a wife (or bodybuilder for a husband, if you're a lady or more than likely just a fag, cuz there are no ladies on 4chan). Despite your good life you can still wish that you're the Emperor Of China, have the year's entire series of Playboy (or Playgirl) centerfolds for your wives (husbands) and a magic flying horse that can talk. This is the sort of step up a 4chan user gets by becoming nobody. Being a faceless drone isn't so bad when your face resembles the greasy, toxic, barnacle encrusted hull of a sunken oil tanker. Actually, this might be a good description of Uncyclopedia!
IIchan is similar. Their 'g' section takes your brain out, rolls it in lint, skull fucks you, puts it back, then skull fucks your mother. (Oops! A naughty word. Just can't get that image out of my head. Damn you, Full Metal Jacket!) If you look at IIchan at work or home, you will grow zits on your palms, fingers and genitalia and never masturbate again, let alone interact with humans of any desired sex whatsoever. Then Networks will come over and beat the fucking crap out of you personally.
4chan used for information
O RLY? republishes a lot of it. Networks, of course, have a full shelf of O RLY? books. Not only do they republish a lot of IIchan material (which is why the Network guys look and smell like they do), they're big and heavy for beating the fucking crap out of the users with. If you put a pocket-sized YA RLY! just under the user's shoulder blades (This Is Your Brain In A Nutshell, On A Plane is a good one) and whack it about where the kidneys are with a baseball bat a few times, they'll piss blood for a month but not actually bruise much externally. Try it, it really works!
(If you were as fat as the guys from Networks, lived in your mother's basement, had as extensive a collection of Star Trek figurines and smelt vaguely of cat piss, you'd be prone to turn into a psychotic bastard too. Remember: the networks would work perfectly if users didn't keep fucking them up.)
4chan is often referred to as an educational website. This is only if your education consists of loli, harbl, longcat and Raptor Jesus. O RLY? Ya rly. Cheezus (Cheese Jesus) has yet to be found.
Stick to ordinary porn at work
And remember: your boss is still trying to work out how he can look at girlie pictures in Excel. Don't disturb his business labors.
After Networks have hunted you down like a dog
Contemplate the suicide bomber whose noble Jihadic efforts will lead to him spending eternity in the company of seventy-two Networks guys and their complete Star Trek video collections. "PICARD!" "NO, JANEWAY!" Remember: you can't kill yourself a second time.
Detailed Chan Description
To make sure Uncyclopedia had a very detailed view of 4chan, we have deemed it necessary to put ourselves at great risk to create a detailed commentary of the different sections. It was a difficult thing to do and a lot of our users have since seen three psychiatrists, two psychologists, eight neurologists, twelve gynecologists and a dermatologist (don't ask), all at some hospital in New York City I can barely remember. (Its address was in the basement of the 2nd Ave. Deli, so the treatment also involved ritual circumcision. Once again, don't ask.) But nothing that any of us could write could make it funny enough. So please, we have given ourselves brain damage by visiting these accursed piles of demon-spawn so you don't have to. Have fun!
/a/ - Anime & Manga
これはmanga の屑すべてが行くところであp。注eしなけれnあなたの皮は奇iな色を回す。これのsりは私誰も英語にこれを翻訳することを行っていない で深いであることを公正な行くこと話す屑である
/b/ - RandomThere was once a dream, a dream that was /b/.
The dream was that all persons, from all lands could be made to live, in harmony, with each other and moderators.
But alas, this dream was not to /b/.
The history of /b/ is shrouded in mystery, deep in the sands of time. It was said that /b/ was originally created by the three Goddesses of Hyrule, but this is no longer the case. Once a meadow where the sheep could lay with the lion, where a man was defined by his actions (and the pictures posted to prove it happened), and where people could go to confide in each other their troubles and their tribulations, /b/ has become something completely and entirely different. Today, /b/ is a terrifying place, made so by the anonymous. Those who go to /b/ looking for the comfort and support it was once supposed to offer now can find everything ranging from people putting up pictures of themselves for others to rate, threads full of porn, threads full of gore, threads full of Al Gore, threads full of dancing hippos, and threads full of packing peanuts. Those threads full of packing peanuts are the most interesting and hotly debated. /b/ is where trolls are born, and where they go to die.
If you're caught browsing /b/ at work(Implying you even HAVE a job). Chances are there's gonna be a new job opening in your spot soon afterwards, cuz yo ass gonna get fired. /b/ is no way, shape, or form worksafe. In fact, it's like, everything non worksafe rolled into one, giant, pulsing clusterfuck of tits and gore and anything else the mind can think of. It's the kind of place that would show sympathy to a child molester. The place that would praise Hitler for the Holocaust. The place that views cats as gods. Yeah, all that happens on /b/. If you really wanna experience something, go there. Be prepared to either be enlightened to the face of the internet, or to be subjected to intense fits of vomiting and nausea, followed by several trips to a therapist to discuss the horrors you've seen. Or nothing will happen at all and this is really just an over-dramatic rant over an image board. That's why it's called random. See that magic?
Oftentimes, frequent visitors of /b/ will suddenly be unable to display (or in that case, even appreciate) any type of humor that doesn't involve anything from /b/. These people will often go to random message boards, do away with their normal personality, and become lurkers, only posting once in a blue moon. Their messages will now always consist of a tired meme derived from /b/ (usually something that involves cats, plays upon the war cry of 'WRRYYYYYYYYY' and, of course, DESU~), then will insult all of the other users, in a rather piss-poor attempt at trying to be cool. It's rumored that they behave this way in order to prevent death from an elusive virus contracted from the /b/ section -- a virus that causes them to lose excessive amounts of blood, provided they do not utter, or display in other types of communication, any joke that does not involve /b/. But then, came Boxxy, a virus comprised of AIDS, herpes, cancer, and the black plague, with an effect that no mortal being could fathom.There is only one true way to describe looking into the heart of /b/. That is when you look at it your butt-hole will grow 10 times its normal size, then your butt cheeks will turn into televisions that will show separate things. One T.V. will show nothing but two girls one cup, the other T.V. will show nothing but anime tentacle rape with a hint of blood and violence in both. Then you will poop the pure and untouched essence of rape in physical form. This is the only TRUE way to describe the heart of /b/ and the results can be staggering. But for those who are in love with that which we call /b/, all we can do is get a slight laugh out of it, then start fapping vigorously.
Despite on the official 4chan "rules", not that anyone really even reads them, it says /b/ has none, there are rules there. These are more so laws of the jungle. The most important rules of course being, "Do not talk about /b/", "Do not talk about /b/" and "If it exists, there is porn of it..NO exceptions". Those are the 3 biggest rules of /b/. If you see any rulebreakers, you have the power to take law into your own hands and enforce it. Also, if you troll, do it good.
Trolling /b/ is like pissing in an ocean of piss. There's just no real way to make any effect. DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS;
Some newfags tried to force memes in order to troll them. But sadly, they all failed. seriously. it's not going to make any effect. only geniuses can troll /b/. and you are not likely the one. INB4 Shitstorm.
/c/ - Anime/Cute
/c/ is /a/ for paedophiles (In other words: it is more popular). Supposedly standing for cute, it seems to have degenerated into how to show cartoon porn without anyone in it actually doing it. This creates a real problem for normal people, including tired donut-munching cops who can't hold down their coffee, because they know they are watching it to get off during their break on the fire escape, but can't actually do anything about it. Say "OMG KAWAII!!11!" a lot, they'll love you for it. These anime shows they watch must have really good plots. It can't possibly be because they have images of cute little girls in them.... nothing disturbing about that, is there?
/r9k/ - ROBOT9001 (What.)
> that feel when no gf
> mfw every single post is little more than a variation on the above but worded differently
/ck/ - Food & Cooking
Where people go to talk about food.
Seriously, you couldn't figure that out from the title? You're really stupid.
Nobody really cares about this board, like, honestly, you'd be lucky to find 6-7 women on it at one time..or not (there's no Internet in the kitchen or the bedroom). Either way, stupid board, probably just all porn and food and porn.
/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL
DRAMA. Name says it all, really. People dressing up as various things, cats, mice, Pizza Hut boxes, and 16 year-old PVC addicts. To sum this one up... it's filled with faggots. The kind of people you'd see dressed up as wizards and shit, casting spells on one another and later on jerking off to some stupid anime show. Also with weirder people (Yes, they get weirder, amazing right?) that dress up in animal costumes then proceed to fuck each other. You can't make shit like that up. Either way, if you're one of the above, this is the place for you.
You may stumble upon a few threads that contain badassery, in which case you should probably screenshot it due to being rare as shit. Other than those rare occurances, this board's dominated by those other fags.
/co/ - Comics & Cartoons
Wow! Western cartoons (meaning cowboys and Indians, preferably from Texas and titled "Gunsmoke")! Unfortunately, even western cartoons are not safe from the hideous imaginations of the "artists" who post their work on this board. Unless you have the mental-ability to ward off any of the horrors you will witness here, it is not advised to touch this board. The less said, the better (and not in a good way). Essentially the OTHER poor-man's version of /a/.
/d/ - Hentai/Alternative
The disgusting, horrific mind of Japan manifests itself in this complete cunt of a board. If it has breasts and a dick, and also some tentacles, it's here. Occasionally you will find something fappable, but for the most of the time you should Wash your eyes out with industrial nuclear soap (which is a fetish in its own right) after visiting this board, unless you have a huge dickgirl fetish.
/e/ - Ecchi
A kind of hentai with rules so complex no one can explain them. No-one except the really, really, really, REALLY weird of the weirdest 4chan users even visits this board, let alone posts on it (in the rare case of which one should immediately contact the authorities).
/f/ - Flash
Flash Japanese porn. If it moves, fucks, has six breasts/tentacles and does it doggie-style with the Queen of Sheba, then you will find it here. And then Networks will come over and beat the fucking crap out of you personally.
/i/ - Oekaki
Formerly the Insurgency board. This used to be a breeding ground for two types of people: 14 year-olds who thought they were cool and slightly older people who clicked the board by accident thinking it was another one of those hentai image-forums because no-one talked about it. But what does "insurgency" actually mean? It is what happens when anger issues and a script meant for malicious use downloaded from sourceforge collide. This might sound like a dangerous place to piss off in case you were hacked or suffered identity theft were they would use your credit-card to send ten pizzas to your door, in reality all that would happen if you trolled people on this board is that you could bask in the satisfaction of knowing that you caused several or so autistic people to thumble about for 45 minutes attempting and failing to run a distributed denial-of-service attack and failing badly.
Eventually, after a long string of raids on this board by people who actually knew what they were doing, the administrators eventually came to their senses and realised that the board had no real point other than to give 4chan an even worse reputation than what they already had, resulting in them pulling the plug on it. Now /i/ is a board for Oekaki, where terrible people make terrible drawings and share it with other terrible people in terrible threads and receive terrible replies on a terrible board. One to put on the "not to care about" list.
/hc/ - Hardcore
'Nuff said. That is all.
/hr/ - High Resolution
Large pictures with super awesome quality. Lots of boobies and Star Wars and Transformers. The only board which (usually) has non-disturbing porn. Worth checking out at least once if you're into good-quality photographs. So it's probably the only proper example of a 4chan image board doing exactly what it says on the tin. That's literally all there is to say about this board. Moving along....
/o/ - Automobiles
You have never witnessed such trolling. Commonly agreed on /o/ that v6 mustangs and the BRZ/ FRS are the greatest cars to have ever existed. Disagreeing to accepted theorys will insure shitstorm to follow.
/k/ - Weapons
Where prepubescent kids and thick-as-pig-shit, balding men go talk about guns they use in this week's Call of Duty. Also filled with weeaboos who think " the guv'mnt" wants to take away their guns (see Deliverance). They are known as /k/ommandos. Note that "day /k/" and "night /k/" are two different entities. After night falls, the Call of Duty fans go to bed and /k/ turns into an actual informative board. Compared to other boards (/g/, /v/, /b/, etc.), /k/ is one of the more polite boards.
/mu/ - Music
Once an indie nation where people could go to talk about music, instrumentation, and all the aspects of making and performing music, /mu/ has been sold out to the tourist industry. Its most infamous tourist (simply named, "The Tourist", has almost single-handedly brought /mu/ down to mainstream standards. Metalheads and hipsters now wage massive wars amongst each other on the board, while some of the underground citizens meet up to fight the power, and bring /mu/ back to its former glory. This Nationalist movement, however, has not gone far. Conservative /mu/tants have mostly given up, and gone on to simply trolling like the tourists around them. The land of /mu/ is governed by Supreme President Jeff Mangum and his Co-Commander ybf. The primary currency of /mu/ is Indie Cred (I.C.) and its national anthem is "King of Carrot Flowers pts 2 & 3", by Neutral Milk Hotel.
/pol/ - Politically Incorrect
It's pretty much /b/ except a few people are talking about Politics and the News. The rest of it is Interracial Cuckold porn.
/g/ - Technology
/tv/ - Television and Film
Consists mostly of "waifu" threads, pedophilia, foot fetishism, and tripcode users. Occasionally they'll bash the latest blockbuster, and have threads where they list their 9 favorite films. Of course, this is just a front for being able to attack other's taste in film and call them plebeians. Blade Runner and 2001 A Space Odyssey are regarded as objectively the greatest films of all time, so don't go there and tell them otherwise. It's like going into a Catholic church and calling them sheep. Also, Breaking Bad.
/v/ - The Vidya
Home of unsuccessful trolls and grumpy old men who complain "Whaaah everything after 1996 sucks!". The actual board itself isn't that bad, it is just a bad place to discuss video games. Filled with 12 year-olds, furries, weeaboos (what a shock) and neckbeards, this is a board which is more comfortable with discussing how great Gabe Newell is (though not actually talking about his work), the film 300, Hentai, green-text stories and sometimes SNSD, a Korean pop group that has absolutely NOTHING to do with videogames.
About as fun a place to be as the above paragraph makes it sound.
/int/ - international
The idea behind /int/ is simple: For the exchange of language and culture. However, it soon degenerated into little more than a large number of Polish, Swedish, Finnish, German and (Bizarrely) Serbian people who bicker over which country is the best. If it was not that, it would be threads which would become long and heavily ambiguous question-and answer sessions about countries no-one cares about that exist purely to boost the original-poster's ego. It has also become the Internet's largest social-gathering for Slavic people: Presumably Facebook must be banned in Kosovo, because that's the way the Serbians on /int/ treat 4chan. But the worst thing about it is that a lot of the users are nationalists who think every other country in the world exists purely for people to come over and take their job, to the point this accurately describes the average point of discussion on a usual thread:
/x/ - Paranormal
There is much dispute between the nature of /x/ and /b/. /x/ was originally meant to be a paranormal image board, but during a period of crashes in /b/'s history, the denizens of /b/ invaded and took over /x/ for their own purposes, temporarily. Somewhere along there, a random anonymous said the fateful words:
"post ending in 69 takes over /x/."
And then /x/ was the /b/-tards. Interesting fact: birthplace of the "WHO WAS PHONE?" meme.
Not that anyone cares.
A place for fandomentalists who whine about gen V and Gen IV, as well as the only SFW 4Chan board. Basically what happened on this channel is the fandomentalists and the true pokemon fans argue upon each other about which generation is the best. This has caused mass conflict about Reshiram or ho-oh is the better legendary and GEN V SUXORS POSTS. Other posts regulate on how furries from deviantart are ruining the pokemon fandom and newfags getting banned for posting rule 34. And Also DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT SMOGON. They think they are bereaucratic nazis (In fact this was true, as smogon thinks they are the God of pokemon). Their rules are mostly tl;dr, and they will enforce it until nobody plays pokemon online.) and anybody that dare mentions them will be thought as being the furher and will be banned from the board for teh lulz.
/u/ Yuri and /y/ Yaoi
Yaoi Fangirls. Enough said. No, really, if you don't know what the above two terms mean, you should be thankful for what you have.
/u/ was once described as: "like /v/, except with more videogames and less porn."
/z/ - the best board of them all
Tucked away, deep beneath the Yao and Paranormal boards, is /z/. It is by far the most intelligent, witty and useful board which is why it doesn't seem to be talked about. The denizens of /z/ are a great and friendly bunch, who are always happy to help with computer or social problems. Need help with work or a game? This is the board to go. As there is absolutely nothing wrong with this board, it is greatly advised to visit this board before any of the others. In fact, make it your homepage! Having everything that makes 4chan shine and so much more, you'll never have to visit another board again! So just enter into your browser "boards.4chan.org/z/" and prepare to be happily surprised and amazed!
You could browse 4chan for years and never have to bother even battering an eyelid at this board. Presumably created entirely because moot couldn't think of something to begin with "R", this is a board which is about as popular as Hepatitis B. A large amount of what is "requested" can be described as [REDACTED TO ENSURE CONTINUED MENTAL HEALTH]. In short, ignore and continue.WE HAVE SAVED THE WORST UNTIL LAST, FOLKS.
AND THE AWARD FOR THE SHITTIEST BOARD ON 4CHAN GOES TO...
/mlp/ - My Little Pony
/mlp/ is no ordinary 4chan board. It is not inhabited by regular humans, but eldritch monstrosities known as Bronies. In 2010 these transexual creatures had invaded 4chan and manifested the boards of 4chan with outdated meme generator memes full of cute ponies which turn other members into more of them (yes, like other forms of plague). The mods were displeased and they swept these beasts out of 4chan. However, the bronies will still invade the boards with their girly shit once the mods are gone. So to distract the bronies the /mlp/ board was born.
/mlp/ is known as a cancer of the nets and is usually not entered by any normal person. The disease which one contracts from bronies is so infectious that just visiting this board will mean you will begin to have erections towards children's characters. In fact moot said "/mlp/ is the leprosy island of 4chan", in one of the few cases he has spoken the absolute truth. This is the worst board for one reason and one reason only: Bronies. If you don't see how this is a bad thing, please check to make sure a pony plushy with a "strategically-placed hole" has not somehow found its way onto your unmentionables.
- 4chan: The Asshole of the Internet.
- Zombears Shoot The Most Famous Meme created by 4chan
- Use Google, you lazy bastard. I'm not your mother.
- Oh, alright. Why /b/tards are called tards.