4chan
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
4chan is an electo-nation founded in 2003 by their leader moot. It has a population of over 9000! citizens composed almost exclusively of young white (and semi-proud) angst-ridden males, the detritus of normal society. 4chan's major imports are porn and those Guy Fawke masks, its major exports are Internet Memes and DeMotivational Posters. With the population having almost no females the nation depends entirely on immigration to maintain its numbers, who 4chan citizens affectionately refer to as newfags.
4chan is sometimes known as The Internet Hate Machine (not to be confused with Internet Rape Machine), but it is more commonly referred to as 4ailchan.
4chan.org was the creator of the Internet, before the internet there was 4chan they than said let there be servers thus creating the internet
edit History
"4chan" is the fourth creation of the "chan" family. The first 3 "chan"s were quite successful at first, but unfortunately have ended up failing or got shut down.
The first "chan" was a big hit with the males, particularly the whites, just like common day "4chan" is... today. The extremely fast popularity increase attracted the government's attention. Confusing it for the devil spawning out of modern day technology, it was regrettably shut down.
The second chan was popular with the females, and mainly was a discussion board for female menstruation issues. This angered the original creator, as he intended it for use of the clinically insane, not "those whiny bitches". He then went to each of those girl's houses, and proceeded to viciously murder all of them. He then named the website "3chan".
The third chan was hardly known or visited, but some people claimed it died of a severe case of syphilis.
4chan was founded by the Something Awful admins to feed their ongoing obsession with animated naked furry pedophile hentai OS-Tan oil wrestling GIFs, furries having sex with animals and amusing pictures of snowy owls. It went downhill from these innocuous beginnings to something far more morally ambiguous
It was originally going to be named 4chin in honor of the most prominent facial feature of the average 4chan member's morbidly obese body but site registration was left up to the guy who does all the lolcats so an unnecessary vowel replacement was inevitable. But this wasn't enough of a barrel roll. The 4chin.com web domain is currently held by the Chinese law firm of Chin, Chin, Chin and Chin and they don't feel like selling it. Barrel roll, barrel roll, the millionth Fresh Prince re-write.obamas fault......
4chan users are Anonymous (With a capital A). This isn't because they witnessed a Mafia hit or something. The real reason is simple wish fulfillment. Being nobody in particular is a dramatic improvement over being whoever you actually are if you're a 4chan regular. Imagine, for example, that you're a millionaire with a former beauty queen for a wife (or bodybuilder for a husband, if you're a lady or more than likely just a fag, cuz there are no ladies on 4chan). Despite your good life you can still wish that you're the Emperor Of China, have the year's entire series of Playboy (or Playgirl) centerfolds for your wives (husbands) and a magic flying horse that can talk. This is the sort of step up a 4chan user gets by becoming nobody. Being a faceless drone isn't so bad when your face resembles the greasy, toxic, barnacle encrusted hull of a sunken oil tanker. Actually, this might be a good description of Uncyclopedia!
edit IIchan
IIchan is similar. Their 'g' section takes your brain out, rolls it in lint, skull fucks you, puts it back, then skull fucks your mother. (Oops! A naughty word. Just can't get that image out of my head. Damn you, Full Metal Jacket!) If you look at IIchan at work or home, you will grow zits on your palms, fingers and genitalia and never masturbate again, let alone interact with humans of any desired sex whatsoever. Then Networks will come over and beat the fucking crap out of you personally.
edit 4chan used for information
O RLY? republishes a lot of it. Networks, of course, have a full shelf of O RLY? books. Not only do they republish a lot of IIchan material (which is why the Network guys look and smell like they do), they're big and heavy for beating the fucking crap out of the users with. If you put a pocket-sized YA RLY! just under the user's shoulder blades (This Is Your Brain In A Nutshell, On A Plane is a good one) and whack it about where the kidneys are with a baseball bat a few times, they'll piss blood for a month but not actually bruise much externally. Try it, it really works!
(If you were as fat as the guys from Networks, lived in your mother's basement, had as extensive a collection of Star Trek figurines and smelt vaguely of cat piss, you'd be prone to turn into a psychotic bastard too. Remember: the networks would work perfectly if users didn't keep fucking them up.)
4chan is often referred to as an educational website. This is only if your education consists of loli, harbl, longcat and Raptor Jesus. O RLY? Ya rly. Cheezus (Cheese Jesus) has yet to be found.
edit Stick to ordinary porn at work
And remember: your boss is still trying to work out how he can look at girlie pictures in Excel. Don't disturb his business labors.
edit After Networks have hunted you down like a dog
Contemplate the suicide bomber whose noble Jihadic efforts will lead to him spending eternity in the company of seventy-two Networks guys and their complete Star Trek video collections. "PICARD!" "NO, JANEWAY!" Remember: you can't kill yourself a second time.
edit Detailed Chan Description
To make sure Uncyclopedia had a very detailed view of 4chan, I deemed it necessary to put myself at great risk to create a detailed commentary of the different sections. It was a difficult thing to do and have since seen three psychiatrists, two psychologists, eight neurologists, twelve gynecologists and a dermatologist (don't ask), all at some hospital in New York City I can barely remember. (Its address was in the basement of the 2nd Ave. Deli, so the treatment also involved ritual circumcision. Once again, don't ask.) But nothing I wrote could make it funny enough. So I was forced to An Hero (explanation below) by diving into a washing machine full of rusty razors and Oscar Wilde's penis (A.K.A. the Wildesteak).
edit /a/ - Anime & Manga
これはmanga の屑すべてが行くところであp。注eしなけれnあなたの皮は奇iな色を回す。これのsりは私誰も英語にこれを翻訳することを行っていない で深いであることを公正な行くこと話す屑である
、私は実際にすべてpokemon のポルノグラフィーで終わるので正常な人々がこの漫画の原料を見なかったらそれが最もよいことを考える
我々は、我々は多数ある、私たちを忘れないでください匿名されても我々は、私たち期待を許す！ ので、私はあなた悪魔城ドラキュラするように聞いたことがある！！
^--WTF?
edit /b/ - Random
There was once a dream, a dream that was /b/.The dream was that all persons, from all lands could be made to live, in harmony, with each other and moderators.
But alas, this dream was not to /b/.
The history of /b/ is shrouded in mystery, deep in the sands of time. It was said that /b/ was originally created by the three Goddesses of Hyrule, but this is no longer the case. Once a meadow where the sheep could lay with the lion, where a man was defined by his actions (and the pictures posted to prove it happened), and where people could go to confide in each other their troubles and their tribulations, /b/ has become something completely and entirely different. Today, /b/ is a terrifying place, made so by the anonymous. Those who go to /b/ looking for the comfort and support it was once supposed to offer now can find everything ranging from people putting up pictures of themselves for others to rate, threads full of porn, threads full of gore, threads full of Al Gore, threads full of dancing hippos, and threads full of packing peanuts. Those threads full of packing peanuts are the most interesting and hotly debated. /b/ is where trolls are born, and where they go to die.
If you're caught browsing /b/ at work(Implying you even HAVE a job). Chances are there's gonna be a new job opening in your spot soon afterwards, cuz yo ass gonna get fired. /b/ is no way, shape, or form worksafe. In fact, it's like, everything non worksafe rolled into one, giant, pulsing clusterfuck of tits and gore anNIGGERSd anything else the mind can think of. It's the kind of place that would show sympathy to a child molester. The place that would praise Hitler for the Holocaust. The place that views cats as gods. Yeah, all that happens on /b/. If you really wanna expirience something, go there. Be prepared to either be enlightened to the face of the internet, or to be subjected to intense fits of vomiting and nausea, followed by several trips to a therapist to discuss the horrors you've seen. Or nothing will happen at all and this is really just an overdramatic rant over an image board. That's why it's called random. See that magic?
Oftentimes, frequent visitors of /b/ will suddenly be unable to display (or in that case, even appreciate) any type of humor that doesn't involve anything from /b/. These people will often go to random message boards, do away with their normal personality, and become lurkers, only posting once in a blue moon. Their messages will now always consist of a tired meme derived from /b/ (usually something that involves cats, plays upon the war cry of 'WRRYYYYYYYYY' and, of course, DESU~), then will insult all of the other users, in a rather piss-poor attempt at trying to be cool. It's rumored that they behave this way in order to prevent death from an elusive virus contracted from the /b/ section -- a virus that causes them to lose excessive amounts of blood, provided they do not utter, or display in other types of communication, any joke that does not involve /b/. But then, came Boxxy, a virus comprised of AIDS, herpes, cancer, and the black plague, with an effect that no mortal being could fathom.
There is only one true way to describe looking into the heart of /b/. That is when you look at it your butt-hole will grow 10 times its normal size, then your butt cheeks will turn into televisions that will show separate things. One T.V. will show nothing but two girls one cup, the other T.V. will show nothing but anime tentacle rape with a hint of blood and violence in both. Then you will poop the pure and untouched essence of rape in physical form. This is the only TRUE way to describe the heart of /b/ and the results can be staggering. But for those who are in love with that which we call /b/, all we can do is get a slight laugh out of it, then start fapping vigorously.
Despite on the official 4chan "rules", not that anyone really even reads them, it says /b/ has none, there are rules there. These are more so laws of the jungle. The most important rules of course being, "Do not talk about /b/", "Do not talk about /b/" and "If it exists, there is porn of it..NO exceptions". Those are the 3 biggest rules of /b/. If you see any rulebreakers, you have the power to take law into your own hands and enforce it. Also, if you troll, do it good. Trolling /b/ is like pissing in an ocean of piss. There's just no real way to make any effect. Make sure to force memes, do it often and try very hard, they'll accept you. Remember, if you rage, you lose. If you raff, you ruse. If you spam, you will be spammed (or worse). If you BAWWW you lose. And of course...THE GAME.
Now /b/ is filled with cry's for the return of encyclopedia dramatica. The wealth of /b/tard information that was held there has been lost. INB4 shitstorm.
edit /c/ - Anime/Cute
/c/ is /a/ with big eyes, REALLY big eyes and for paedophiles (in other words: booooooring). Supposedly standing for cute, it seems to have degenerated into how to show cartoon porn without anyone in it actually doing it. This creates a real problem for normal people, including tired donut-munching cops who can't hold down their coffee, because they know they are watching it to get off during their break on the fire escape, but can't actually do anything about it. Say "OMG KAWAII!!11!" a lot, they'll love you for it.
edit /ck/ - Food & Cooking
Where people go to talk about food.
Seriously, you couldn't figure that out from the title? You're really stupid.
Nobody really cares about this board, like, honestly, you'd be lucky to find 6-7 women on it at one time..or not (there's no Internet in the kitchen or the bedroom). Either way, stupid board, probably just all porn and food and porn.
edit /cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL
DRAMA. Name says it all, really. People dressing up as various things, cats, mice, Pizza Hut boxes, and 11 year old PVC addicts.
To sum this one up...it's filled with faggots. The kind of people you'd see dressed up as wizards and shit, casting spells on one another and later on jerking off to some stupid anime show. Also with weirder people(Yes, they get weirder, amazing right?) that dress up in animal costumes then proceed to fuck each other. You can't make shit like that up. Either way, if you're one of the above, this is the place for you.
You may stumble upon a few threads that contain badassery, in which case you should probably screenshot it due to being rare as shit. Other than those rare occurances, this board's dominated by those other fags.
edit /co/ - Comics & Cartoons
Wow! Western cartoons (meaning cowboys and Indians, preferably from Texas and titled "Gunsmoke")! Unfortunately, even western cartoons are not safe from the hideous imaginations of the "artists" who post their work on this board.
edit /d/ - Hentai/Alternative
The disgusting, horrific mind of Japan manifests itself in this complete cunt of a board. If it has breasts and a dick, and also some tentacles, it's here. Wash your eyes out with industrial nuclear soap (which is a fetish in its own right) after visiting this board.
edit /e/ - Ecchi
A kind of hentai with rules so complex no one can explain them.
edit /f/ - Flash
Flash Japanese porn. If it moves, fucks, has six breasts/tentacles and does it doggie-style with the Queen of Sheba, then you will find it here. And then Networks will come over and beat the fucking crap out of you personally.
edit /hr/ - High Resolution
Large pictures with super awesome quality. Lots of boobies and Star Wars and Transformers.
edit /o/ - Automobiles
You have never witnessed such trolling. Also mustangs.
edit /k/ - Weapons
Where prepubescent kids and paedophiles go talk about guns they use in call of duty. Also filled with weeaboos who think " the guv'mnt" wants to take away their guns (see Deliverance). They are known as /k/ommandos.
edit /mu/ - Music
Once an indie nation where people could go to talk about music, instrumentation, and all the aspects of making and performing music, /mu/ has been sold out to the tourist industry. Its most infamous tourist (simply named, "The Tourist", has almost single-handedly brought /mu/ down to mainstream standards. Metalheads and hipsters now wage massive wars amongst each other on the board, while some of the underground citizens meet up to fight the power, and bring /mu/ back to its former glory. This Nationalist movement, however, has not gone far. Conservative /mu/tants have mostly given up, and gone on to simply trolling like the tourists around them. The land of /mu/ is governed by Supreme President Jeff Mangum and his Co-Commander ybf. The primary currency of /mu/ is Indie Cred (I.C.) and its national anthem is "King of Carrot Flowers pts 2 & 3", by Neutral Milk Hotel.
edit /v/ - The Vidya
The home of 8.8, NO GAEMS, RRoD, 33%, Wagglan, PC gaming is dead, and other poor trolling attempts. Of course, this is the worst board to try and discuss video games on. /v/ tends to discuss things along the lines of Transvestites, furries, rage, and occasionally SNSD, a Korean pop group that has absolutely NOTHING to do with videogames.
Of course, it's not all bad. When /v/ does talk about videogames in a non-trolling environment, great things can happen. /v/ made popular one of the most successful indie videogames of all time, known as Minecraft. /v/'s also responsible for some of the most famous internet memes, among them, the RickRoll. /v/ is not a bad board, it's just a bad place to talk about videogames.
typical /v/ video
edit /x/ - Paranormal
There is much dispute between the nature of /x/ and /b/. /x/ was originally meant to be a paranormal image board, but during a period of crashes in /b/'s history, the denizens of /b/ invaded and took over /x/ for their own purposes, temporarily. Somewhere along there, a random anonymous said the fateful words:
"post ending in 69 takes over /x/."
And then /x/ was the /b/-tards.
Interesting fact: birthplace of the "WHO WAS PHONE?" meme.
Not that anyone cares.
edit /u/ Yuri and /y/ Yaoi
Both are pretty popular in Greenwich Village and San Francisco. Both would also probably tick off Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. Nuff said.
/u/ was once described as: "like /v/, except with more videogames and less porn."
edit /r/ Request
The proud nation of Request, where the benevolent citizens help each other with anything. It is ruled via an anarchy, where everyone is equal and respected.
edit /mlp/ My Little Pony
/mlp/ is no ordinary 4chan board. It is not inhabited by regular humans, but half male half females known as Bronies. In 2010 these transexual creatures had invaded 4chan and manifested the boards of 4chan with outdated meme generator memes full of cute ponies which turn other members into more bronies. The mods are displeased and they swept these bronies out of 4chan. However, the bronies will still invade the boards with their girly shit every once the mods are gone. So to distract the bronies the /mlp/ board was born. /mlp/ is known as a cancer of the nets and is usually not entered by any normal person. All of the members are bronies, and they will spread their zombie-like diesease onto anybody who sees /mlp/. In fact moot said "/mlp/ is the leprosy island of 4chan.".
edit News
We have assembled.
edit Auto
A masturbation forum. You reach into the car's trunk, rub the engine, rub the wheels, take pictures, stick gasoline nozzles into the car trunk... ("Masturbation" is misunderstood and mispronounced as "carburetor" in some circles.)
edit If post ends with 13, you are a faggot:
Also, the game.
edit "Never loved nobody fully"
edit External links
- 4chan: The Asshole of the Internet.
- Zombears Shoot The Most Famous Meme created by 4chan
- Use Google, you lazy bastard. I'm not your mother.
- Oh, alright. Why /b/tards are called tards.
- Sauce?
edit See also
- Internet
- Basement Dweller
- Kakun's Place
- Book of 4chan
- Encyclopedia Dramatica
- Mudkips
- Pedobear
- obnosis
 NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!The article you were looking at could get you fired! If a boss or Cow-orker saw you looking at this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Then Networks will come over to your desk and beat the fucking crap out of you personally. Pity we didn't tell you at the top of the article instead of the bottom, hey. |
It's pretty S.F.W., no boobs.
