4/0 Time (Music)
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“You have four beats. The denominator says it can't divide the beats, so it kills your beats. One survives, but it is worthless, so you shoot it. You watch it writhe in pain as a smile of grim satisfaction leaps across your face. And the deed was done...”
~ Two Cows on 4/0 Time
“EXPLODE”
~ Band Student on 4/0 Time
“Well, that's... ghastly. What, is this math rock? Can't do that on a calculator!”
~ Smiley Johannsson on 4/0 Time
“I've seen worse.”
~ Band Director on 4/0 Time
“It's a lot better than 0/4. Zero quarter notes. When does it end? It doesn't. When does it start? It already did.”
~ Band Director on how he's seen worse
4/0 time, which would've been called 4|0 time had the Uncyclopedia at the time allowed such a character string, is an illegal time signature that is automatically pasted onto the page whenever a band student sees something frikking impossible, such as three consecutive turns and a 64-note trill. Since 4/0 is mathematically and musically impossible, it means you don't even have to play the music, you can just do whatever you want. It is frequently used by jazz musicians, grindcore bands, and people just wholeheartedly not wanting to be in band.
Contents |
[edit] Theorems Associated with the 4/0 Quandary
[edit] Music Theory: 4/0 Time
Music Theory, when applied to 4/0 time, would stipulate that it formats a bar of 4 beats of zeroth duration. As there is no known zeroth note, it can be whatever you want it to be, which is the basis of 4/0 time. Whenever you see that next measure of 5/4 going into 11/16, whip out the old "...And what the hell is this bloody time signature, then?!" as that always seems to work. If not, you can always poke the director in the eyes and then run away really fast.
[edit] Mathematical Theory: 4/0
Division by zero is impossible for the weak minded, because you can't divide anything into zero parts unless you are dividing nothing, which does not exist in our universe, as everything is full of something; most likely, shit, just like this article. Actually, especially this article. If you attempt to find out the true value of 4/0, you will quickly find a squad of Daleks coming to EX-TER-MI-NATE you into a nice roasted duck. Otherwise, you can just roll d12, and if lands on 5, the answer will be revealed. On pg.678 of the DnD Secrets Guide, Edition 4, of course. Oh, come on, STOP that.
[edit] Musical Expression through 4/0 Time
[edit] Rudimentary Techniques
Many beginning players of 4/0 often either explode, or attest to the fact that they shat their pantaloons. Either reaction is a normal human response when faced with something as daunting as complete freedom. The correct way to begin playing a measure of 4/0 is to first examine it with your eyes closed. If you can't see anything, you're doing it correctly. Now, imagine that there are no notes; not only on the page, but in the world. Now, play. If what you play attracts a wild wildebeest for all the wrong reasons, Congratulations! There may be hope for you yet!
[edit] Advanced Techniques
After exciting the beasts of the wild with your arhythmic dischords, you can now try to yell into your instrument. If your instrument is not capable of being yelled through, such as a cello, punch a hole in it with your face, as your face is the most commonly forgotten blunt instrument humankind possesses.
[edit] Yelling Loudly
Yelling loudly through or near the instrument always makes it sound better, if not magnificent. When yelling to make the instrument sound better, take care not to let your inner racism leak out, as most people will disapprove, and the yelling will actually make the instrument sound worse, and racist. Instead, you can attempt to yell things such as:
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! AAAAAHHH! AAH! AAH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!”
~ Death Metal Songs on Lyrics
[edit] Grunting or Expelling Gas
Your primal instincts can also serve your playing quite well indeed. Expelling gas by flatulence or burp can be a great way to clear the way for a 4/0 solo, or for making the ozone hole bigger; thanks a lot, America! Grunting into the instrument also shows your regal and honourable upbringing as an affluent human being. The nasty viscous sounds emitted from the end of your instrument will serve only to show people the extent of your awesomity.
[edit] Mid-Song Anthropocide
Killing people during your song can be a great way to show how connected you and your song really are. Once people start to fear flying rusty chainsaws of doom, they'll certainly remember your awesome 4/0 solo.
